My Experiments in the Practice of Everyday Life

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December 3, 2012
14 Comment

Secret of Adulthood: Where You Start Makes a Big Difference in Where You End Up.

Further Secrets of Adulthood:

 

Agree, disagree?

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  • peninith1

    In the sense that we all have to deal with where and how we started, yes, I think this is truer than the standard ‘American Dream’ story would have us believe. We can all look around us and see stories of people who began life at a great disadvantage, yet achieved great skill, high earnings or extraordinary knowledge. The truth no one likes to admit is that these stories are attractive because they are exceptional. We all know also stories of the downfall of privileged individuals who failed to live up to the gifts they were given at the beginning of life. The greater number, however, don’t move extraordinarily up or down the income and social and intellectual scale. Apples do not far as fall from the tree as we may wish that they would–privilege breeds more privilege than is earned, and misfortune more misfortune than is deserved. So it is important for us all to be keenly attentive to the needs of children for safety, good early childnood education, nurturing, fostering good work habits, self control and self discipline, creativity and physical fitness. Those are the beginnings that can help all children, whatever their starting place, to have a chance on the increasingly unlevel playing field of American life. Self-regulation and good work ethic and habits are a lot more important in this set of skills than almost anything else!

    Ont he more personal level I have also found it to be true that ‘where you start’ in your mental, emotional and spiritual health can be a great handicap or help in life going forward. Those who are always having to overcome difficulties in those areas that are quite apart from economic and social circumstances can find themselves always running from behind in their lives.

  • molly

    I think it is at least partly true, and for the reasons stated by peninith1. If we want to focus on a more optimistic side of this truth, it might be to say that where you start can make it a lot EASIER to get where you want to end up. For example, my parents did not go to college and while I had the good start that my parents were good parents and wanted better for their children, so had the intention that my sister and I would go to college, once I got there, my parents didn’t have the know-how that I imagine some kids parents have to help them figure out how to navigate the tricky road through academia. I did ultimately earn a PhD (it took a long time!) and since I now have the inside scoop on how academia works, I feel that I will be able to help my son in a way my parents couldn’t help me.

    I find this to be true in a different way (and it is a bit more egalitarian). I find that when I start a book, how I feel about it in the first few pages usually (not always) determines how I feel about it as I get further into it. When we date, find a passion, or try a job, we often find that the tone is set at the beginning. I have spent too much time trying to make myself like certain activities, jobs, people, etc., and while I think we have to give things and people a chance, the major passions of our lives usually start off with a spark that we cannot get in spite of our efforts to like something or make it our passion.

    • peninith1

      I like your take that attitude can make a difference to your ‘start’ . . . and of course we all get a lot of chances to start over, all through our lives.
      In spite of my rather deterministic response to the aphorism, I do think that attitude (together with fortitude and self discipline) can empower a person to make enormous changes.We can learn to cultivate healthier attitudes throughout our lives.
      I definitely do not believe that it is ok to shirk our responsibility for our own lives by blaming a bad start–I am simply aware that it is harder to overcome that than many people would like to believe.
      This question just focused me on how important it is to focus on children in our neighborhood and community as well as in our families, to contribute what we can to a good start!

  • Margaret

    I think it’s a flawed question, actually, because we all start at birth and end at death. But it has to be true to the extent that the journey between is affected by the circumstances to which you are born, but not necessarily determined by them. None of us receive exactly the same challenges and opportunities, nor do we receive the same talents and abilities. It’s what you do with what you have that counts.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=690133287 Jacob Cremer

    There are things we can control and things we can’t. The things we can’t control certainly have a huge influence on where we end up. But happiness is about finding control where we can. I don’t think everyone in life has the same fair chances. But all of our lives are relative moment to moment and the more unhappy you are, the more room for progress you have. $10,000 might be a 33% raise for one guy and a 1% raise for another. Who’s happier with that $10,000 raise? Also, it’s not a competition. The person who wins the happiness competition needs the recognition the least.

  • Christine Pignatello

    Agree. Well-begun is half done. :-)

  • Kiran

    Depends…….there’s so much to explore and learn. Discovering new things makes life interesting and exciting.

  • HEHink

    For some reason this makes me think of a line from a book – adolescent lit – for which I can’t recall the title. (Maybe you’ll recognize it!) An elderly person is teaching a young person the art of calligraphy (it may be a grandmother & grandson). The elder is explaining the somewhat mundane part of how to get paper, pens, and ink organized before forming the letters, and she says “Don’t think of it as getting ready to begin. Think of it as The Beginning.” Sometimes we’re impatient to ‘get started’ with something, and we skip important beginning steps like these, thus ending up in a mess. On the flip side, sometimes we wait so long to be ‘ready’ to start something that we never actually begin…or we’re procrastinating because we don’t like the tedious beginning steps. Wanting to redecorate my bedroom before clearing out the clutter comes to mind. If I reframe de-cluttering as the actual beginning of my redecorating process, I am more motivated to do it and to recognize it as an accomplishment toward the goal. It’s amazing what a change it attitude and perspective will do!

    • gretchenrubin

      This is a very thought-provoking point.

  • jessief

    Of course it matters where you start. The daughter of Donald Trump wouldn’t be the executive she is at her young AGE if she wasn’t the daughter of a millionaire, who put her in her position I might add. I don’t care if she has the applicable degrees, the poise, etc. If someone favors you as soon as you put your foot in the door of your workplace, sure you’ll get promoted – the sky is the limit. I was the last born in my family, During my childhood, I heard a lot of NOs for my requests because my parents already had spent time/money in the “problems” of my siblings because they were “older” and had “more serious” problems. What about my problems and my needs? I didn’t choose to be born last, why should I accept the crumbs falling off the table? I had it about that irrational response: they are always going to be older! I rebelled against that treatment and they straightened out afterwards, no more “they have more serious problems than you” demeaning nonsense. There are things that we control and many that we don’t, and there is out there a very convenient status quo against those who are not like the majority. Sorry people, discrimination is alive and well: yes, it matters where you start: the journey is really uphill for those who are not privileged to have been born with teh majority’s race and conveniences.

  • Arlene

    I have instantly saved and made this as wallpaper on my computer. Thank you, Gretchen!!

  • CABlane

    The Cheshire Cat chimes in…

  • http://www.lifewhack.com/ Peter Ewin Hall

    I want to agree as knowing where you are is logically useful to planning how to get where you want to be. Except… I remember something about some soldiers stranded somewhere in Europe during some war where they needed to navigate to safety. They succeeded using a map that they had. What’s amazing is that it was the wrong map (they didn’t know) and where they thought they were and the navigation by the map was all complete nonsense. Any map will do (if it helps), the intention and drive to succeed to get to where you want is more important. Worrying too much about where we are might not be the most important thing.

  • Jenna

    I like to remind myself to “grow where you’re planted.”

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