My Experiments in the Practice of Everyday Life

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January 25, 2013
11 Comment

21 Day Relationship Challenge – Day 12

Don’t Keep Score

21-DayChallenge-BlogPhotoToday’s resolution suggests that you “Don’t keep score.” This one is very hard for me. I’m a big score-keeper. For this reason, one of my Twelve Personal Commandments is “No calculation.”

If you’re a score-keeper, were you able to put it aside?

Did it make a difference to your happiness?

We can all learn from each other, so please post your experiences with the resolution in the comments section below.

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  • http://thesepeastastefunny.blogspot.com Terry Cohoe

    I find this one ridiculously difficult.

  • Reddog

    I also find this terribly hard. Not at first, but then the balance starts to seem all out of whack, and I feel like I have to speak up for “my turn!”

  • diana

    Seems like a good time to check in about the 21 day relationship challenge. Biggest payoff has been to “give warm greetings and farewells.” I started this resolution when I read Happier at Home in September but I really put more effort into it this month. It has really paid off. My 11 year old son told me that getting good hellos and goodbyes from me makes him want to do it more, and my husband told me that he this son, who is sometimes like a cat, is now giving much more hugs. I didn’t know if I would be able to do the “no nagging” resolution, but I have been able to keep it (maybe its been a day). I am trying to “have a soft touch” and use humor and so far its been working.

    • gretchenrubin

      Terrific! So happy to hear that it has been useful.

  • Susanne

    Oh, ow, ow . . . and ow! I try my best to not keep score and with many things, and with many people, am successful. But for some reason there are some situations and some people with whom I find this so very difficult. But — when I really think about it, I realize I keep score with scorekeepers. And I can definitely see where it was an issue (for both of us) when I was married (yes, past tense). Thanks, Gretchen. This challenge is certainly a learning experience, and not always a pleasant one! LOL!

    • Reddog

      Yes! So hard to avoid when someone else is a scorekeeper too!

    • Reddog

      Yes! It’s so hard when someone else is also a scorekeeper!

  • Dorie

    I am definitely an abstainer but after reading today I am going to be a positive one saying I am free of chips……like the positive twist your sister put on it !!

  • Miljana

    My dear, what to say and not to lie? At the beginning, I agree with Susanne. And I was unhappy married, and happy divorced 21 yrs later. It’s better good divorce than bad marriage! So, trust me, it’s better not to keep score, but sometimes everyone has to check him/herself this way– He did that, that, this, the others did those, these, and I didn’t do anything, or I did only … or I did this and that, this, that, it’s ok, or I have to do more, than I did. If people check themselves that way, that’s ok. Oposite is wrong way. But, I’d like to hear about premaritial agreements. Isn’t that calculating at the first beginning? Does it mean those people cannot be happy in their marriages or it means that wouldn’t disturb them to create successful and happy marriage-ship?
    Finally, It’s nice for you dear Grechen that everything in your life pass on your way and so happy, but “how many people are, so tempers”. That mean it’s very good and so kind of you that all your experience you shared with million people, over your book. All of us have to read it and check ourselves. Not to copy you. Only if something in our lives makes our relationship unhappy we can try your way. But, the most important is that we must be, at the first place, honest with ourselves. It is a condition of happiness.

    Many warm greetings.

  • Dr. Philip Domenico

    Happiness is also found through nutrition. Read my blog post on the subject: http://thescienceofnutritiondotnet.wordpress.com/2013/01/27/the-foundation-of-happiness-is-good-nutrition/

  • http://www.facebook.com/arden.greenspangoldberg Arden Greenspan-Goldberg

    I have not ever kept a score card but a sibling has and my husband does sometimes. Even if i’m annoyed or more that’s not my nature. Actually I say to those folks in my life, and my patients, that score keeping creates a big dis-connect to yourself and your precious significant other. I am all for fairness and justice, but that can be done collaboratively, like you said, coming from a place of love. It’s so much better that way.
    Blessings to you!

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