The Happiness Project

Problem With Procrastination? Try This: Do Nothing.

Just about anyone who has ever put off a troublesome task is familiar with one of my Secrets of Adulthood: Working is one of the most dangerous forms of procrastination.

When there’s some chore you just don’t want to tackle, every other chore seems alluring. As a friend told me, “My apartment is never cleaner than when I have a writing assignment due.”

In Roy Baumeister and John Tierney’s fascinating book, Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength, they suggest the “Nothing Alternative” to this problem. That is, if you want to get yourself to do something, make the alternative to that task to do nothing.

This rule was inspired by the habits of writer Raymond Chandler. Chandler set aside at least four hours each day for writing; he didn’t force himself to write, but he didn’t let himself do anything else. He wouldn’t let himself read, write letters, write checks—nothing. He summed up: “Two very simple rules, a. you don’t have to write. b. you can’t do anything else. The rest comes of itself.”

When I read this, I realized that I’d been following this rule without giving it a name. When I want to do the difficult work of original writing, I often work outside my apartment, in a library a few blocks away. This gets me away from the temptations of the internet, and it also forces me to accept the “nothing alternative.” I say to myself, “I’ll stay here for two hours,” and then I’m stuck. If I’m not writing, I’m just sitting there. Sure, sometimes I jump up and go look for a book in the stacks, but that doesn’t take long. I end up writing just to pass the time. At home, by contrast, there’s no end to the useful tasks that I can find to occupy myself.

So if you often find yourself procrastinating by working, try making yourself do nothing.

How about you? Do you procrastinate by working—by cleaning, organizing, answering emails, cruising the internet doing “research,” making plans, or the like? Has the "do nothing" alternative worked for you?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* My friend Laura Vanderkam told me about the blog Wandering Scientist, and I've really enjoyed reading it.

* Want a happiness quotation in your email inbox every morning? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Quiz: How Fun Is Your Workplace? Your Home?

In The Levity Effect: Why it Pays to Lighten Up, Adrian Gostick and Scott Christopher make an interesting argument that “levity” is an extremely effective tool for helping people to work better. An atmosphere of light-heartedness, it turns out, helps people pay attention, eases tensions, and enhances a feeling of connection.

When I read this, I thought, “Well, levity would be tough for me, I’m not particularly funny, and I’m not particularly outgoing.”

But what the authors mean by “levity” is really a sense of lightness. It's less about being funny and more about being able to have fun and see the humorous side of everyday situations—especially difficult situations.

Ah, I thought, I’m trying! The Ninth of my Twelve Commandments is “Lighten up." When I posted sticky notes with key phrases all around my office and apartment, the one I put in the master bathroom read, “Tender and light-hearted.”

Gostick and Christopher include a quiz about workplace levity. Looking at it, I realized that most of my workplaces included these elements, which I’m sure contributed to the positive experience I had everywhere (except for the summer I worked as a waitress at Dos Hombres Mexican restaurant, and zoikes, I did not like that job).

For example, I’d assumed that the atmosphere around the Supreme Court would be serious, thoughtful, and grand. And it was. But in her chambers, Justice O’Connor incorporated several goofy aspects that made it a lot of fun, too. Each Halloween, she required her clerks to decorate elaborate pumpkins, and birthday celebrations were always a big deal, and she took the clerks on a yearly outing (we went fishing). And that sort of thing really did make a difference.

How does your workplace measure up? Take Gostick and Christopher’s quiz:

New employees are made to feel welcome
Meetings are positive and light
We have fun activities at least once a month
It’s common to hear people laughing around here
I can be myself at work
We have a lot of celebrations for special events
When brainstorming, we like to have fun
My boss is usually optimistic and smiling
Customers would call us fun to do business with
I have a friend at work who makes me laugh
We have a good time together

Does your workplace have "levity," according to this quiz? Do you think it matters?

This is a great list for home, too. For my next book, Happier at Home, I tried several resolutions that were meant to try to bring more levity into my apartment. For instance, I tried to under-react to problems, and it really did help.

How about you? Have you found that an atmosphere of levity and good humor makes a difference to your workplace or home? Have you found any good strategies to keep things fun and light?

* It's fun to look around Laughing Squid, which "features interesting art, culture, and technology from around the web."

* Valentine's Day is next week. Give the gift of happiness! Well, you can't do that, but you can give The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller). Buy it for yourself, for your sweetheart, or for anyone who needs a good book to read.
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.

Do You Have The "Quality Of Keeping People Together"?

Assay: Recently, when I was rereading Gertrude Stein's The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas, I was very struck by this observation about the French poet Guillaume Apollinaire:

The death of Guillaume Apollinaire at this time made a very serious difference to all his friends apart from their sorrow at his death. It was the moment just after the war when many things had changed and people naturally fell apart. Guillaume would have been a bond of union, he always had a quality of keeping people together, and now that he was gone everybody ceased to be friends.

The "quality of keeping people together" seems an important and rare attribute, and although it doesn't come naturally to me, I'm trying to do a better job of it myself, and also to appreciate more the work of the Apollinaire-ish types whose efforts benefit me.

This quality has been on my mind since the sad occasion of a memorial service of a friend. I knew her in a work context, but at the service, I realized from the tributes of her college friends that, along with many other wonderful traits, she had the "quality of keeping people together" from that time.

My sister is this way, too, and from watching her in action, I know how much energy and time it takes to act like glue, to make the efforts that allow people to stay close.

Who coaxes people into showing up to the reunion? Who remembers everyone's birthdays, and insists that everyone get together to mark the occasion? Who plans the promotion celebration? Who organizes the group wedding gift? Who keeps track of everyone's addresses? Who sends out the group emails? It doesn't sound very hard—until you're the one doing it.

And although it's a lot of work, it's all too easy for people to take these efforts for granted, or not to realize how important one person is to the strength of a particular web of relationships. In fact, that person might well be teased for these efforts, and instead of people being appreciative and cooperative, they might act jaded and superior to such gung-ho antics.

Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree: one of the keys—perhaps the key—to happiness is strong relationships, and the often unsung work of such folks to keep up a "bond of union" makes a tremendous difference to everyone in their circles.

How about you? Do you have the "quality of keeping people together"? Do you feel that your efforts are appreciated? If you don't naturally play this role, have you found strategies to work at it?

* I love cruising around Parent Hacks—which "collects and shares parents' tips, recommendations, and bits of wisdom—their hacks—so we can all benefit."

* Want a happiness quotation in your email inbox every morning? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

"Quiet Minds Cannot Be Perplexed Or Frightened."

“Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened, but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm.”
--Robert Louis Stevenson

I love the simile of a "clock in a thunderstorm." It makes me feel calmer, just to imagine that image.

* Check out the Happiness Project Toolbox: eight free tools to help you track your own happiness project.

11 Brilliant Writing Commandments From Henry Miller.

Cruising around Pinterest (my new toy), I came across this list of Henry Miller's eleven work commandments, posted by Sadie Skeels. I'm astounded by how absolutely apt these commandments are for my own writing practices.

For instance, #10. I struggle with this problem all the time. And #2. I remember a conversation I had with my agent when I was writing Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill. I was so enthralled with the material that I couldn't stop researching, and finally she said to me sternly, "No more research." #5 is terrific advice; when I can't seem to write, I can review my notes, edit, cut...and pretty soon I've started writing again. I think about #11 in a different way; I struggle to make sure that writing doesn't crowd out other things that are also important to me.

Henry Miller's Commandments, from Henry Miller on Writing:

1. Work on one thing at a time until finished.
2. Start no more new books, add no more new material to “Black Spring.”
3. Don’t be nervous. Work calmly, joyously, recklessly on whatever is in hand.
4. Work according to Program and not according to mood. Stop at the appointed time!
5. When you can’t create you can work.
6. Cement a little every day, rather than add new fertilizers.
7. Keep human! See people, go places, drink if you feel like it.
8. Don’t be a draught-horse! Work with pleasure only.
9. Discard the Program when you feel like it–but go back to it the next day. Concentrate. Narrow down. Exclude.
10. Forget the books you want to write. Think only of the book you are writing.
11. Write first and always. Painting, music, friends, cinema, all these come afterwards.

These rules seem helpful to non-writers as well; in almost everything we do, it helps to stay focused, refreshed, and perseverant.

What work commandments would you add? And what exactly do you think that Miller meant by #6?

* As I mentioned, I'm really enjoying Pinterest—"an online pinboard where you can organize and share the things you love." If you'd like me to send you an invitation, drop me a request at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

* Looking for an idea for a Valentine's Day gift? Give the gift of happiness! Well, you can't do that, but you can consider giving The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.

Would You Want A "Permanent Smell Collection" Like Andy Warhol's?

I've become transfixed with the power of the sense of smell, and I've also been on an Andy Warhol bender lately—not looking at his art, which I don't particularly admire, but reading his writing and his interviews. He is brilliantly thought-provoking.

These two interests intersected as I was re-reading, for the third time, Andy Warhol's The Philosophy of Andy Warhol (From A to B and Back Again).

I love his notion of creating a "smell collection."

I switch perfumes all the time. If I’ve been wearing one perfume for three months, I force myself to give it up, even if I still feel like wearing it, so whenever I smell it again it will always remind me of those three months. I never go back to wearing it again; it becomes part of my permanent smell collection.
...
Seeing, hearing, touching, tasting are just not as powerful as smelling if you want your whole being to go back for a second to something. Usually I don’t want to, but by having smells stopped up in bottles, I can be in control and can only smell the smells I want to, when I want to, to get the memories I’m in the mood to have. Just for a second. The good thing about a smell-memory is that the feeling of being transported stops the instant you stop smelling, so there are no aftereffects. It’s a neat way to reminisce.

I wouldn't have the discipline to limit myself to one perfume and then switch every three months, but it's certainly true that certain smells recall certain times very powerfully for me. For instance, the perfume I wore my senior year in college—Perfumers Workshop's Tea Rose, a very distinctive fragrance—transports me back that time. I would love to be able to capture the smells of certain periods or places in my past: the art room in my grade school; my family's favorite Kansas City diner, Winstead's; summer camp; and so many others.

Fun fact, perhaps apocryphal: Andy Warhol was buried with a bottle of the Estee Lauder perfume, "Beautiful."

* A thoughtful reader sent me the link to this interesting post, 30 things to start doing for yourself, on the blog Marc and Angel Hack Life—"practical tips for productive living."

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month’s material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

"The Longer I Stayed, The Larger It Grew."

Early in his career, artist Alberto Giacometti moved into a Paris studio that measured only about sixteen feet square. He didn't expect this to be a permanent situation, but he stayed for the next thirty-eight years. "The longer I stayed," he said, "the larger it grew."
-- Alberto Giacometti, Giacometti: A Biography

* I enjoy reading Jonah Lehrer's blog, Frontal Cortex. Great stuff.

* Join the discussion on the Facebook Page and on Twitter (@gretchenrubin).

"Everyone Shines, Given The Right Lighting."

Happiness interview: Susan Cain.

I'm so excited for my friend Susan Cain. Her terrific new book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, just came out two days ago, and already it has been the subject of a huge amount of buzz, discussion, and debate. Susan shines a powerful spotlight on a fascinating aspect of human character: the power of introverts. The book is an absolutely compelling read—full of research and insight interesting to introverts and extroverts alike.

I knew Susan had done a lot of thinking about the relationship of introversion, extroversion, and happiness, and also about her own happiness, so I was very interested to hear what she had to say.

What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Writing. I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was four years old. But as a grown-up, I trained myself to love my work by doing all my writing in a sunny café window while sipping on a latte and snacking on chocolate. Over time, I came to associate writing with the pleasures of that window seat. These days, I don’t need the coffee or chocolate, or even the café—though they still help! But I love the feeling of entering into my inner world. It’s like going through a magic portal every time I sit at my laptop.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Everyone shines, given the right lighting. For some it’s a Broadway stage, for others a lamplit desk. For me (as for many introverts!) it’s definitely the latter.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
The book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by the great psychologist Mihaly Csizszentmihalyi. He talks about how one of the highest states of being is when you’re totally engaged in an activity—from exercise to painting to a conversation with your four-year-old—and you’re operating in the sublime channel between boredom and anxiety. I think about that all the time, and try to live in a state of flow as often as possible.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I try to appreciate small, Life is Beautiful moments, and savor them. As I write this, I hear the rain on my rooftop and the wind in the trees. It’s a gorgeous, peaceful sound, and I feel lucky just to listen to it. I also try not to let a day go by without feeling grateful for my family and my writing life—the two things I’ve always wanted most in the world.

What is your most surprising way of feeling happy?
Recently I’ve been thinking about a state I call the “happiness of melancholy.” Why do supposedly sad things, like minor key music or the evanescence of cherry blossoms, make us happy? I think they help us appreciate the fragile beauty of life and love.

 

* A great site to explore is Lifehacker. There's a lot there.

* Would you like a free, signed bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project, or for a gift? Or, for the audio-book or the e-book, a free signature card? Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Having Trouble Getting Yourself To Write? 9 Tips.

The most challenging aspect of being a writer? Writing. When I find myself struggling to be productive or creative, I remind myself of these nine tips.

1. Write every day. Staying inside a project keeps me engaged, keeps my mind working, and keeps ideas flowing. Also, I find, perhaps surprisingly, it’s easier to do something every day than to do it some days. (This may be related to the abstainer/moderator split.) "You're just grinding out material," a friend protested. "But that's when I have my best ideas," I answered.

2. Even fifteen minutes is long enough to write. For years I told myself, “If I don’t have three or four hours clear, there’s no point in starting.” Now I realize that if I'm deep in a project (see #1), even a short bit of time is long enough to get something done.

3. Remember that good ideas often come during the revision stage. I've found, for myself, that I need to get a beginning, middle, and an end in place, and then the more creative and complex ideas begin to form. So I try not to be discouraged by first drafts.

4. Don’t binge-write. Pulling all-nighters, wearing pajamas for days, abandoning all other priorities to finish a project—these habits lead to burn-out. Also, if you do all your writing at the last minute, you don't get the benefit of #3.

5. Keep a commonplace book, inspiration board, scrapbook, or catch-all box to keep track of ideas and images. Not only do such collections help you remember thoughts, they create juxtapositions that stimulate creativity. My catch-all happiness document for happiness is 500 pages long, single-spaced. When I need a mental jolt, I just skip around and read random sections. It always helps.

6. Consider physical comfort. Do you have a decent desk and chair? Are you hungry? Too hot or too cold? (I now wear fingertipless gloves at my desk, because my hands are always so cold; they make me so happy.) Do you jam your shoulders up to your ears as you write? Is the light too dim or too bright? Make a salute—if you feel relief when your hand is shading your eyes, your desk is too brightly lit. Being physically uncomfortable tires you out and makes work seem harder.

7. Down with boredom. When my college roommate was writing her Ph.D. thesis, she kept a sticky note on her computer that read, "Down with boredom." She'd vowed to construct her thesis in a way that eliminated everything she found boring. When I'm working on a book, I repeat that mantra. If something's boring to me, I probably can't write about it in an interesting way. I need to find a way to make that subject interesting (Secret of Adulthood: If you can't get out of it, get into it), or find a way to leave it out altogether.

8. Stuck? Go for a walk and read a good book. Virginia Woolf noted in her diary: “The way to rock oneself back into writing is this. First gentle exercise in the air. Second the reading of good literature. It is a mistake to think that literature can be produced from the raw.”

9. At least in my experience, the most important tip for getting writing done? Have something to say! This sounds obvious, but it’s a lot easier to write when you’re trying to tell a story, explain an idea, convey an impression, give a review, or whatever. If you're having trouble writing, forget about the writing and focus on what you want to communicate. For example, I remember flailing desperately as I tried to write my college and law-school application essays. It was horrible—until in both cases I realized I had something I really wanted to say. Then the writing came easily, and those two essays are among my favorites of things I’ve ever written.

* Now for some blatant self-promotion: The Happiness Project has been on the New York Times bestseller list for 46 weeks, which is tremendously thrilling of course. Getting to week 46 has made me think about hitting the one year mark. That would be extraordinarily thrilling. If you're inclined to buy the book, or read it in your book group, or give it as a gift, I would so appreciate it if you'd do that sometime before March 1. Okay, end of commercial!

Happiness: "You Bring Your Own Weather To The Picnic."

Happiness interview: Harlan Coben.

How did I first make the acquaintance of Harlan Coben? His brother and I went to college together, somehow Harlan and I struck up a conversation by email...it's lost in the sands of time. Harlan is the spectacularly successful author of many #1 bestselling, prize-winning mystery novels and thrillers, one of which was also turned into a movie.

He's a gifted writer and a very thoughtful person, so I was curious to hear what he had to say about happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Harlan: Writing. I know that sounds a tad hackneyed and sometimes I don’t even like writing, but it makes me happy. Yes, that’s a contradiction, so let me quote either Dorothy Parker or Oscar Madison: “I don’t like writing—I like having written.” In short, the satisfaction of creating, not necessarily the process, always lifts my heart.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
It’s all about balance.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Yes. At the risk of making people click off this website, the Internet is often a waste of time that leaves me feeling drained and unhappy. Again it’s about balance—you’ll see a theme here. Some time online or texting or playing with social media is fine and probably healthy—but not a lot. Think about those times you are forced to unplug. You’re happier, right?

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “There is only love.”)
I have two mantras.

One I’ve already typed twice before: “It’s all about balance.” Family, writing, health, friends, surfing the web—whatever. They all need to be in balance. If I’m not writing well, I’m not happy. If I’m not spending enough time with my family, I’m not happy. If I’m not connecting to friends or if I don’t work out enough…. You get the point. Everything has to be balanced. Nothing should be an extreme.

My second mantra is more basic: “You bring your own weather to the picnic.” My kids roll their eyes at this one, but there is no question that attitude can go a long way.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
It varies. I’ve never found much comfort, for example, in materialism or shopping. It always feels like a temporary boost, followed by some kind of crash. But I still participate. Mostly I find solace in renewing connections and in writing. Those are real. I try to stress to my children that buying something never leads to true happiness.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Envy, of course. I see a lot of it in my profession. One of my favorite mantras is: “No one has to fail so I can succeed.” Enjoy your friends’ successes—and your own.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
That’s a good question. I don’t know. I just turned 50. I don’t look back much. I like where I am and so I don’t want to risk going back and changing things and then, well, where would I be? Even the mistakes led me here. I’m always, for better or worse, looking forward.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I think consciously or subconsciously we are always fine-turning our happiness quotient. In my case, as I’ve already said, it’s about balance and connecting. Happiness is a bit like owning a car. Most times it just needs gas and maybe an oil change, but then every, say, six months, when I feel the need for more of an overhaul, I will read a book like, well, The Happiness Project. [Awww, thanks Harlan!] To slip out of this rather lame mixed metaphor, I may already know the information, but a reminder is a good thing.

I also derive a great deal of pleasure out of making other people happy. Yes, I know how self-serving that sounds, but it could, in fact, be pretty damn selfish. I love, for example, when readers tells me that my book made them happy—but is that about them or me or is there a “happiness cusp” between those two? I don’t know, but it might be worth exploring. It certainly sounds win-win.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t—or vice versa?
Not really. In the end, we know what makes us happy. We also know what makes us unhappy. That’s the irony. We know and yet we still mess it up. That’s part of the human condition, no, and why we need to work on it.

* Join the happiness conversation on Facebook and Twitter (@gretchenrubin).