The Happiness Project

To Be Happier, Write Your Own Set of Personal Commandments.

One of the most challenging—and most helpful and fun—tasks that I've done as part of my Happiness Project is to write my Twelve Personal Commandments. These aren't specific resolutions, like make my bed, but the overarching principles by which I try to live my life.

It took me several months to come up with this list, and it has been very useful for me to have them identified clearly in my mind. It's a creative way of distilling core values.

To get you started as you think about your own commandments, here are my Twelve Commandments:

1. Be Gretchen.
2. Let it go.
3. Act the way I want to feel.
4. Do it now.
5. Be polite and be fair.
6. Enjoy the process.
7. Spend out. (This is probably the most enigmatic of my commandments.)
8. Identify the problem.
9. Lighten up.
10. Do what ought to be done.
11. No calculation.
12. There is only love.

So how do you come up with your own list?

Consider phrases that have stuck with you. When I look at my Twelve Commandments, I realize that five of them are actually quotations from other people. My father repeatedly reminds me to “Enjoy the process.” A respected boss told me to “Be polite and be fair.” A good friend told me that she’d decided that “There is only love” in her heart for a difficult person. “No calculation” is a paraphrase of my spiritual master St. Therese (“When one loves, one does not calculate”), and “Act the way I want to feel” is a paraphrase of William James.

Aim high and fight the urge to be too comprehensive. I’ve found that my commandments help me most when I review them at least daily, to keep them fresh in my mind, and to do this, it helps to keep the list short and snappy. I suspect that Twelve Commandments is too much. Maybe I only need two, “Be Gretchen” and “There is only love.”

Think about what's true for you. Each person’s list will differ. One person's commandment is to "Say yes," another person's commandment is to "Say no." You need to think about yourself, your values, your strengths and weaknesses, your interests.

I've written about commandments in the past, and it's fascinating to read other people's commandments. For instance:

Do stuff.
Talk to strangers.
Stay in touch.
Make haste to be kind.
Dig deep.
Less is more.
Smaller.

Have you identified some of your own personal commandments? What are they? Please consider posting them. It's so interesting to see what other people identify.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* I'm a huge fan of my friend Erin Doland's terrific blog, Unclutterer—"daily tips about getting and staying organized." Useful and funny. Who knew that clutter could be funny?

* Want a happiness quote in your email inbox every morning? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Do You Have The "Quality Of Keeping People Together"?

Assay: Recently, when I was rereading Gertrude Stein's The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas, I was very struck by this observation about the French poet Guillaume Apollinaire:

The death of Guillaume Apollinaire at this time made a very serious difference to all his friends apart from their sorrow at his death. It was the moment just after the war when many things had changed and people naturally fell apart. Guillaume would have been a bond of union, he always had a quality of keeping people together, and now that he was gone everybody ceased to be friends.

The "quality of keeping people together" seems an important and rare attribute, and although it doesn't come naturally to me, I'm trying to do a better job of it myself, and also to appreciate more the work of the Apollinaire-ish types whose efforts benefit me.

This quality has been on my mind since the sad occasion of a memorial service of a friend. I knew her in a work context, but at the service, I realized from the tributes of her college friends that, along with many other wonderful traits, she had the "quality of keeping people together" from that time.

My sister is this way, too, and from watching her in action, I know how much energy and time it takes to act like glue, to make the efforts that allow people to stay close.

Who coaxes people into showing up to the reunion? Who remembers everyone's birthdays, and insists that everyone get together to mark the occasion? Who plans the promotion celebration? Who organizes the group wedding gift? Who keeps track of everyone's addresses? Who sends out the group emails? It doesn't sound very hard—until you're the one doing it.

And although it's a lot of work, it's all too easy for people to take these efforts for granted, or not to realize how important one person is to the strength of a particular web of relationships. In fact, that person might well be teased for these efforts, and instead of people being appreciative and cooperative, they might act jaded and superior to such gung-ho antics.

Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree: one of the keys—perhaps the key—to happiness is strong relationships, and the often unsung work of such folks to keep up a "bond of union" makes a tremendous difference to everyone in their circles.

How about you? Do you have the "quality of keeping people together"? Do you feel that your efforts are appreciated? If you don't naturally play this role, have you found strategies to work at it?

* I love cruising around Parent Hacks—which "collects and shares parents' tips, recommendations, and bits of wisdom—their hacks—so we can all benefit."

* Want a happiness quotation in your email inbox every morning? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Self-Acceptance: Are You An "Alchemist" Or A "Leopard"?

As a student of human nature, one of my favorite exercises is to try to divide people into two camps. For instance, I've managed to identify splits like abstainers vs. moderators and under-buyers vs. over-buyers.

Walking to the gym today, I found myself thinking about a passage written by critic John Ruskin:

The little pig was so comforting to me because he was wholly content to be a little pig; and Mr. Leslie Stephen is in a certain degree exemplary and comforting to me, because he is wholly content to be Mr. Leslie Stephen; while I am miserable because I am always wanting to be something else than I am.

This passage made me reflect about a way that my sister and I differ, and I think I identified a new set of oppositions: alchemists vs. leopards. Ruskin and I are alchemists. My sister is a leopard.

Alchemists seek ways to change or re-direct our fundamental natures; we're dissatisfied with ourselves; we're often tempted to behave, and make choices, that don't comport with who we really are.

Leopards don't try to change their spots. They know who they are, and they don't worry about everything they aren't.

The first and most important of my Twelve Personal Commandments is to Be Gretchen. This commandment is important for everyone—though people should substitute their own names!— but I suspect alchemists have a much tougher time keeping the commandment than leopards do. (I wish I could think of a tidier pair of symbols, but I haven’t come up with anything better. Ideas?)

I wish I could be more like my sister. Look, there I go again! Wishing I could change my nature.

* Speaking of siblings, check out 2 Peas and a Pot, where my brother-in-law writes a blog. It's fun to read even if you're not a serious foodie. Inveterate alchemist though I am, I have admitted that I'm not, and never will be, a serious foodie.

* My next book, Happier at Home, is inching its way toward completion. The cover is just about finished, which is an enormous step. If you'd like to be notified when the book is available, sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com

"Everyone Shines, Given The Right Lighting."

Happiness interview: Susan Cain.

I'm so excited for my friend Susan Cain. Her terrific new book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, just came out two days ago, and already it has been the subject of a huge amount of buzz, discussion, and debate. Susan shines a powerful spotlight on a fascinating aspect of human character: the power of introverts. The book is an absolutely compelling read—full of research and insight interesting to introverts and extroverts alike.

I knew Susan had done a lot of thinking about the relationship of introversion, extroversion, and happiness, and also about her own happiness, so I was very interested to hear what she had to say.

What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Writing. I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was four years old. But as a grown-up, I trained myself to love my work by doing all my writing in a sunny café window while sipping on a latte and snacking on chocolate. Over time, I came to associate writing with the pleasures of that window seat. These days, I don’t need the coffee or chocolate, or even the café—though they still help! But I love the feeling of entering into my inner world. It’s like going through a magic portal every time I sit at my laptop.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Everyone shines, given the right lighting. For some it’s a Broadway stage, for others a lamplit desk. For me (as for many introverts!) it’s definitely the latter.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
The book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by the great psychologist Mihaly Csizszentmihalyi. He talks about how one of the highest states of being is when you’re totally engaged in an activity—from exercise to painting to a conversation with your four-year-old—and you’re operating in the sublime channel between boredom and anxiety. I think about that all the time, and try to live in a state of flow as often as possible.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I try to appreciate small, Life is Beautiful moments, and savor them. As I write this, I hear the rain on my rooftop and the wind in the trees. It’s a gorgeous, peaceful sound, and I feel lucky just to listen to it. I also try not to let a day go by without feeling grateful for my family and my writing life—the two things I’ve always wanted most in the world.

What is your most surprising way of feeling happy?
Recently I’ve been thinking about a state I call the “happiness of melancholy.” Why do supposedly sad things, like minor key music or the evanescence of cherry blossoms, make us happy? I think they help us appreciate the fragile beauty of life and love.

 

* A great site to explore is Lifehacker. There's a lot there.

* Would you like a free, signed bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project, or for a gift? Or, for the audio-book or the e-book, a free signature card? Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Happiness Challenge: Saying the Right Thing.

Assay: I get a tremendous intellectual and emotional satisfaction when I hear someone give exactly the right answer to a difficult question. I was trying to remember some of my favorite examples of this kind of response, because just thinking about them makes me happy.

Here are four examples that sprang to mind.

1. My very favorite parenting book (its principles that apply equally to adults) is Faber and Mazlish’s How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, and I also love their book, Siblings Without Rivalry. It has a terrific section about dealing with a child who says, "You love Joe more than me!" The authors point out that the answer "I love you both equally" isn't satisfying, because we all crave to be loved uniquely. They tell a story to give an example from the adult context. When a wife turned to her husband and said, "Whom do you live more? Your mother or me?" she didn't want to hear him say, "I love you both the same." Instead he said, "My mother is my mother. You're the fascinating, sexy woman I want to spend the rest of my life with." Good answer!

2. A few days before my wedding, I was in high-anxiety mode about all the details and all the opportunities for disaster. (Among other things, I was very preoccupied with the fear that my veil would come off my head during the ceremony. Have you ever heard of this happening?). My mother listened patiently for a while, then observed, “The things that go wrong often make the best memories.” This instantly comforted me.

3. In Piers Anthony's fantasy novel, A Spell for Chameleon, Bink despairs because he doesn't know what kind of magic he possesses. To learn the answer, he goes to the Good Magician Humpfrey, who will answer a question in exchange for a year's servitude. While there, Bink meets a manticora who is almost at the end of its service.

"What question did you bring?" Brink asks.
"I asked whether I have a soul," the monster said seriously.
..."What did he tell you?"
"That only those who possess souls are concerned about them."
"But—but then you never needed to ask. You paid a year for nothing."
"No. I paid a year for everything...A simple yes or no answer would not have satisfied me; it could be a blind guess, or merely the Magician's off-hand opinion. A detailed technical treatise would merely have obfuscated the matter. Humfrey phrased it in such a way that its truth was self-evident. Now I need never doubt again."

4. My husband and I were working on a project with several other people. After we all received a certain email, one person meant to forward the group message just to my husband and me, with a critical comment about it. Alas, he made the classic mistake and hit “reply all.” He sent a nice note to the people who might’ve been annoyed, and then sent another note to us to lament what had happened. My husband sent back what seemed to me to be a simple and perfect response: “We’ve all done it.”

When I thought about why I found these answers so deeply satisfying, I realized they shared certain qualities.

First, they acknowledge the reality of other people's feelings. "Don't be silly" or "It's all going to be fine" denies that a person is feeling worried. Whether or not they should be worried, they are.

Along the same line, they don't argue that a person's concern is unfounded. Hearing "Oh, it doesn't matter" isn't very comforting when you're feeling anxious. These responses put the issue in a helpful perspective.

Importantly, the answers also have the ring of deep truth. A comforting truth is truly comforting, while a flip "Why are you worried about it?" often just makes a person feel worse.

Have you ever heard someone make just the right response? Even better, have you ever felt that you had exactly the right words to offer?

* If you haven't visited Neil Pasricha's 1000 Awesome Things, check it out. An instant happiness booster.

* My next book, Happier at Home, is at the copy-editing stage now—which is both exciting and terrifying. If you'd like to be notified when the book becomes available, sign up here. It's thrilling to have a new book coming out.

Respond To The Spirit Of A Gift.

December is the month of gift-giving, and my birthday falls in December, so I get practically all my gifts during this month.

Often when I read, I’m struck by a particular passage without understanding why it has caught my attention, then over time, its significance becomes clear. I’ve read Story of a Soul, the spiritual memoir of St. Thérèse of Lisieux (my spiritual master), several times. Recently, I suddenly realized why I kept thinking about one particular paragraph.

Its context: one day in 1897, when she in her early twenties, and weakened by the tuberculosis that would soon kill her, Thérèse was sitting in her wheelchair in the garden of her convent. Ordered by her Prioress to complete an account of her childhood memories, she was trying unsuccessfully to write:

When I begin to take up my pen, behold a Sister who passes by, a pitchfork on her shoulder. She believes she will distract me with a little idle chatter: hay, ducks, hens, visits of the doctor, everything is discussed…another hay worker throws flowers on my lap, perhaps believing these will inspire me with poetic thoughts. I am not looking for them at the moment and would prefer to see the flowers remain swaying on their stems…

…

I don’t know if I have been able to write ten lines without being disturbed…however, for the love of God and my Sisters (so charitable toward me) I take care to appear happy and especially to be so. For example, here is a hay worker who is just leaving me after having said very compassionately: “Poor little Sister, it must tire you out writing like that all day long.” “Don’t worry,” I answer, “I appear to be writing very much, but really I am writing almost nothing.” “Very good!” she says, “but just the same, I am very happy we are doing the haying since this always distracts you a little.” In fact, it is such a great distraction for me…that I am not telling any lies when I say that I am writing practically nothing.

St. Thérèse emphasizes the importance of accepting gifts in the spirit in which they’re offered, instead of responding to the gift itself. She doesn’t want to be distracted with chit-chat; she wants to write. She doesn’t want a bouquet in her lap; she wants to see wild flowers growing in the fields. But she “takes care to appear happy and especially to be so.”

One memory that makes me squirm is that once, several years ago, my husband brought home a big gardenia plant. I love gardenias.

“Thanks,” I said weakly. “It’s so…big.” Inside, my thoughts were about my own limitations: “Where will I put it to display it properly? Can I take care of it? I’m sure to kill it in just a few days, as I always do, and that will be so upsetting. What a waste.”

Gifts often strike strange chords in us. Andy Warhol observed, “You can never predict what little things in the way somebody looks or talks or acts will set off peculiar emotional reactions in other people.” The gift set off a reaction of self-doubt, so I didn’t respond with the enthusiasm that such a thoughtful gift should have provoked. My husband knew I loved gardenias, so he bought me the biggest one he could find! I should’ve taken care to appear happy and especially to be so. Now I think of that gift every time I see a gardenia.

(Reacting to the spirit of a well-intentioned gift wasn’t the same as reacting to a passive-aggressive gift. My friend’s mother thinks she needs to lose weight, so she’s given her running clothes, a certificate for ten spinning classes, and an electronic calories tracker—none of which were appreciated.)

“Respond to the spirit of a gift” is a resolution that’s so obviously right that I shouldn’t have to remind myself of it—but I do.

How about you? Have you ever had trouble responding to the spirit of a gift?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* I don't read every post on Tyler Cowen's blog, Marginal Revolution, but when he writes about something interesting to me, it's very interesting.

* Do you love quotes as much as I do? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, a daily happiness quote in in your email inbox. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Think of Yourself In The Third Person.

I remember reading somewhere that writer Anne Lamott thinks about herself in the third person, to take better care of herself: “I’m sorry, Anne Lamott can’t accept that invitation to speak; she’s finishing a book so needs to keep her schedule clear.”

I find that often, the same trick helps me to be realistic about myself. "Gretchen gets frantic when she's really hungry, so she can't wait too long for dinner." "Gretchen needs some quiet time each day." "Gretchen really feels the cold, so she can't be outside for too long."

Yes, I admit, this approach makes me sound a bit affected and self-important, but the thing is, it really works.

For instance, for the last few weeks, I felt...depleted. Physically, I felt energetic enough, but mentally, I was like a cell phone that couldn't take a charge. I couldn't figure out what to do, but finally I thought of myself in the third person.

As the long holiday weekend approached, I asked myself, "What's the best medicine for Gretchen when she feels drained?" And, when I framed the question about my nature that way, from outside myself, I immediately knew the answer. "Gretchen gets mentally refreshed by doing a lot of reading."

That's what I needed. No writing; hours and hours of reading. A novel I'd never read before, a novel that was long enough to last, a novel that was absorbing without being so demanding that it would just exhaust me more. Fortunately, I had exactly the right book, right on my bedside table. I spent a good part of the holiday weekend reading Neal Stephenson's Reamde. And by the time I finished the book, I felt restored.

Self-knowledge! It seems as though it should be so easy to know yourself, but it's very, very challenging. For me, it's often easier to gain self-insight by using indirect routes—such as asking myself questions like What do I lie about? or Who are my patron saints?—rather than by trying to look at myself directly.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* Lots of great material on Positively Positive—"your attitude + your choices = your life."

* The holidays are approaching! If you're giving The Happiness Project as a gift (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller), and you'd like a signed bookplate or signature card to include with it, sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com. But do it fast! There's not much time.

Make the Positive Argument.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! This month’s theme is Gratitude, and last week’s resolution was to Follow a threshold ritual. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is to Make the positive argument.

Make the positive argument.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Feeling angry, resentful, or self-critical? Make the positive argument.
Why a hurricane filled me with gratitude.
Why I try not to do things for others, but instead, do them for myself.

How about you? Have you managed to make yourself take the opposite view, by making the positive argument? Or what are other ways you help yourself adopt an "attitude of gratitude"?

If you're new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I'll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* This morning, a friend pointed me to the site Remodelista -- "sourcebook for the considered home." Beautiful, engaging, thought-provoking.

* Is your book group reading The Happiness Project? Email me if you'd like the one-page discussion guide -- or the discussion guide for spirituality book groups, Bible study groups, and the like -- at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com. Happy reading!

Want to Join a Happiness Project Group? Make Friends, Have Fun, Stick to Your Resolutions!

One happiness-project resolution that has added enormously to my happiness is my resolution to Join or start a group.

For many people, making and keeping friends is one of the most important (and challenging) elements of their happiness project, and being part of a group is a terrific way to make new friends, deepen existing friendships, have fun, create a sense of belonging, and spend time thinking about a subject that interests you. (For tips on making friends, read here and here). It sounds odd to talk about "efficiency" in the context of friendship, but belonging to a group is a very efficient way to build and strengthen relationships -- especially if you have a hard time making time for friendships.

I've heard from lots of people who want to launch or join groups for people doing happiness projects together, so I created this (free) starter kit, to help folks get the ball rolling. If you want a copy, email me at gretchenrubin1 at gretchenrubin dot com.

People all over the world have started groups for people doing happiness projects together. These groups swap ideas, build enthusiasm, give encouragement, and – perhaps most important – hold each other accountable. (Think AA and Weight Watchers.) Some of these groups consist of people who know each other already -- colleagues at a law firm, a sorority, a church study group, members of a family -- and some of these groups consist of strangers who come together just to work on happiness projects.

Thanks to the people who responded to a survey, I now have a list of many of the existing groups. You can see the current list of existing groups here or on Facebook here. If you'd like to find out if other people in your areas would like to start a new group with you, start a Discussion Topic under the Discussions tab in the left-hand column on Facebook here. If you've started a group, please do take a second to answer these six quick questions! It's really helpful to have this information.

One important note: it takes work to start a group, and once a group has started, it takes work to keep it going. My three children's literature reading groups are among the lights of my life, but they do require a fair amount of time and energy. (Yes, it's true, I'm in three of these groups.) The thing is, being in this group is so worth the effort. It absolutely is. But it's not effortless. For instance, right now I'm in the middle of an email blizzard as I try to coordinate the next meeting date for one group. It's a bit of a hassle -- but what truly fun thing isn't sometimes a bit of a hassle?

As Samuel Johnson (one of the patron saints of my happiness project) observed: “The production of something, where nothing was before, is an act of greater energy than the expansion or decoration of the thing produced.” And while it takes special energy to start something, it also takes energy to keep something going. Just acknowledging that to myself helps me expend the energy more readily.

Have you found that it takes effort to be in a group? And did the group make you happy, nevertheless? What kinds of groups make you happy?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* I got a kick out of seeing these smiles hidden in everyday scenes.

* Want a free, personalized bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project – or for a friend? Or a signed signature card (if you have an e-book or audio-book)? Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gretchenrubin dot com. ask for as many as you’d like, I'll mail anywhere, and they're free.

Do You Think About "Self-Curation"?

I read an excellent novel this weekend, Dana Spiotta's Stone Arabia. Like any good novel, it's about many things, but in particular, it made me think about the issue of self-curation.

In his "Chronicles," the character Nik elaborately archives his work in music and an alternate autobiography. He tells his sister Denise, "Self-curate or disappear."

As I was reading, I realized: I suffer from archive anxiety. Partly about my actual life, which is why I've adopted resolutions such as Keep a one-sentence journal and Suffer for fifteen minutes. They help me chronicle my life.

But for me, the greater worry is the archiving and curation of my observations -- not my actual life, but my intellectual life. Even though taking notes on my reading and thinking is one of my favorite things to do, it's also burdensome: it takes up a lot of time, and I worry about whether I'll be able to find what I want later and whether I'm making good use of my materials. So much wonderful material! I want to write book after book after book, to think it all through.

Reading Stone Arabia has made me consider this theme of "self-curation" in a different light.

I need to think about this more.

How about you? Do you "self-curate"? What steps do you take to preserve memories, to catalog memorabilia, to leave a record of your life, thoughts, experiences, and to review it? Do you do it for yourself, or with an eye to an audience? Do you feel the need to curate anyone else's history?

* Check out the Pop vs. Soda map that shows, county by county, the most commonly used term for "soft drink": pop, Coke, soda, or "other."

* Join the happiness conversation on Facebook or on Twitter (@gretchenrubin). Lots of interesting discussion there.