The Happiness Project

Secrets of Adulthood: Burn Energy to Create Energy.

A new Secret of Adulthood:

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A Secret To More Happiness And Energy? Give Yourself A Bedtime.

As a result of my happiness project, I've become a sleep zealot. It's just so obvious to me—from reading the research and from personal experience—that getting enough sleep is a key to a happier life.

I've noticed something, however. I noticed this in myself, before I became such a sleep nut, and I see it in the people around me: most adults don't give themselves a bedtime.

Children have a fixed bedtime; we know they need their allotment of sleep, and we pack them off to bed when it's time. But many adults just go to bed whenever they feel like it.

The problem with this approach is that it's far too easy to stay up too late. The TV, the internet, your email, your book...these distractions keep you alert past the point at which you should head to bed. Many of us know we ought to go to sleep sooner, but we just can't manage to pull it off.

One suggestion: Give yourself a bedtime. Even if you don't actually go to bed on time, at the very least, you should know that you're "staying up past your bedtime." Just the realization that it's an hour past your "bedtime" might help you nudge yourself into bed. Most adults should get 7-8 hours of sleep each night, so do the math.

I get up at 6:00 am, which means my bedtime is 10:30 pm. When I first gave myself a bedtime, I was in the habit of going to bed around 11:30 or midnight. I thought that was an appropriate grown-up bedtime. Well, it's not if you're a grown-up who gets up at 6:00!

For me, at least, getting more sleep was a habit that was self-reinforcing. I felt so, so much better when I started getting enough sleep that it was very easy to observe that bedtime, even though I do regret the loss of those leisure hours.

How do you know if you're not getting enough sleep? Some warning signs:

• you're jolted out of sleep by your alarm clock every morning
• you fall asleep any time you find yourself in a quiet, still place (in a movie theater, or rocking your child)
• you sleep-binge on the weekends
• you feel exhausted all the time
• on the day when Daylights Savings Time gives you an extra hour of sleep, you feel amazing

Try it. Don't even attempt to go to bed earlier. Just identify your bedtime. We tend to manage what we measure, and by identifying a specific bedtime, you might find yourself developing the habit of turning off the light earlier.

Do you have a regular bedtime, or not? If so, how much sleep do you get, and when do you turn off the light?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* My friend Debbie Stier has a blog called the Perfect Score Project, all about her attempts to ace the SAT. I have no interest in taking the SAT (thank goodness!), but she is so funny and engaging that I love checking out the site, anyway.

* Would you like a copy of my personal Resolutions Chart, just to see how I organized it (and copied from Benjamin Franklin)? Email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com if you'd like to get it.

Have Fun That's Actually Fun—For You.

One of my favorite Secrets of Adulthood is "Just because something is fun for other people doesn't mean it's fun for me, and vice versa." This sounds simple, but it actually was a huge breakthrough for me. So many things that other people consider “fun” are not fun for me, and it took me an astonishingly long time to realize that. Drinking wine, shopping, doing crossword puzzles, cooking, most games…I just don’t enjoy those activities. But reading! Ah, reading is fun for me.

Even now, I have to remind myself that people go skiing because they honestly want to go skiing, not because they are made from a sterner moral fiber than I.

I’ve realized, too, that it’s important to think about this in the context of my family. If I want to have fun with my family, I need to make sure that we’re doing activities that—at least some of the time—are honestly fun for me. Otherwise, I just get bored and try to end things, or even sneak away. Was it Jerry Seinfeld who said, "There's no such thing as fun for the whole family?" Well, I'm trying.

For instance, each night I read aloud to my six-year-old, and I'm very careful to choose books that we both like. She loves some books that I just don't enjoy at all, but if those books are the choice, that reading time becomes a drag instead of a pleasure for me. There are so many books we can both enjoy, so why not make sure that it's fun for me as well as fun for her?

Obviously, as a parent, I can’t follow this rule all the time. My children enjoy things that aren’t much fun for me, so I get my fun vicariously, by watching their fun. But I’ve decided to try to steer our activities more to things that we all find fun, because then I’m so much more enthusiastic.

We've all heard the saying, "All work and no play make Jack a dull boy." But play, to be play, must truly be fun; the fact that other people find it fun, or I wish I found it fun, or I think I ought to find it fun, doesn't make it fun for me.

One of the great mysteries of happiness is—why is it so hard to “Be Gretchen”? Why is it so hard to know my own likes and dislikes? It seems that nothing should be more obvious than the question of what I find fun, yet I have to think hard about this, all the time. (On the subject of fun, here are the three types of fun.) In The Luminous Ground, Christopher Alexander remarks, “It is hard, so terribly hard, to please yourself. Far from being the easy thing that it sounds like, it is almost the hardest thing in the world, because we are not always comfortable with that true self that lies deep within us.”

This principle doesn't only apply to children; fun with your sweetheart, fun with your family, fun with your friends, fun with your co-workers. Have you found any good ways to have fun with others that's also fun for you? What do you find fun?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* There was an interesting post by Tara Parker-Pope of the New York Times about the importance of generosity in marriage, with a quiz to determine, "Do you have a generous relationship?" I love a quiz.

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month’s material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Quiz: Are You an "Energizer" or a "De-Energizer" at Work?

Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or Quiz Day, or List Day.
This Wednesday: Quiz--Are you an "energizer" or a "de-energizer" at work?

I'm reading Cross and Perker's The Hidden Power of Social Networks: Understanding How Work Really Gets Done in Organizations, and I was riveted by their discussion of energy. This caught my eye, because my father is always emphasizing the importance of energy, whether at work or at play -- especially at work.

Cross and Parker argue that energy is a key factor in understanding who is effective at work, and why. When they analyzed networks of co-workers, knowing whether someone was considered an "energizer" and a "de-energizer" shed a great deal of light on how networks worked, and how productive various people managed to be. Their discussion is complex, but here are some highlights.

About energizers:
-- those who energized others are much higher performers
-- energizers are more likely to be heard and to see their ideas acted upon
-- people are more willing to engage with energizers: to give them undivided attention, to devote discretionary time to them, to respond to them, and to want to work with them
-- energizers are quick to point out potential problems, but always in service of reaching a goal
-- energizers listen to others and value others' ideas, concerns, and contributions
-- energizers don't posture or conspire in alliances or cliques
-- energizers articulate a compelling vision, but not one so grand that it feels frustratingly out of reach
-- energizers show integrity: they follow through on their promises, deliver bad news or point out problems when appropriate, and deal fairly with others
-- Key point: "Note that energizers are not entertainers, or even necessarily very charismatic or intense. Rather, they bring themselves fully into an interaction." In a nutshell, energizers help move the ball forward.

About de-energizers:
-- people go to great lengths to avoid dealing with de-energizers
-- when bypassed, de-energerizers tend to persist in unhelpful responses; they feel ignored, so they behave in ways that make people avoid them all the more, instead of finding ways to engage constructively
-- de-energizers tend to see nothing but roadblocks
-- de-energizers, especially those with great expertise, tend to shut out others' views

So, are you an energizer or a de-energizer? Here are eight questions, adapted from Cross and Parker:

1. Do you take a sincere interest in other people?

2. Do you follow through on your commitments?

3. Do you engage in self-serving machinations, or do you work in service of a goal larger than yourself?

4. Do you see possibilities, or only problems?

5. Are you able to disagree with someone without attacking that person personally? (Note: excessive agreement is also de-energizing.)

6. Do you give people your full attention? It turns out people are far more aware of a lack of attentiveness than you might think.

7. Are you flexible enough in your methods so that others can contribute, or do you demand that others adapt to you?

8. Do you exercise your expertise without bulldozing over other people?

What do you think? Does this category of "energy" make sense in terms of your own work experience? For me, it rings absolutely true. And I completely agree that a person can be very soft-spoken and languid in behavior, and yet terrifically energizing, because of the contribution that person is making toward reaching a goal.

* I get a big kick out of the lifestyle and design blogOh Happy Day -- partly because it's fun to read, and partly because when I was starting my book The Happiness Project and this blog, a good friend insisted that the phrase "happiness project" sounded like too much work, so I should re-name my blog "Oh Happy Day." So I feel a strange kinship to the site.

* If you haven't read it please consider The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

Prediction: Will You Stick to Your Exercise Program?

Every Wednesday is Tip Day (or Quiz Day, or List Day).
This Wednesday – Warning signs that you might abandon your exercise program.

I've discovered that the key to my happiness project is my determination to make and keep my innumerable resolutions. I follow -- or try to follow -- dozens of resolutions, and they've made a real difference in the happiness of my everyday life. (If you’d like to get a copy of my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com).

One resolution that many people make and break is the resolution to exercise. Exercise is a key to good health, and for me, has always been essential to feeling cheerful. In fact, when I’m feeling blue, one of the best ways to shake the mood is to exercise. Also, exercising has a strange double effect: it makes me feel both calmer and more energetic. My husband is the same way. On Sunday, he was feeling low, and a trip to the gym chirked him up considerably.

And even if I don’t feel better, at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that I exercised.

I’m fascinated by the question of why sometimes people are able to stick to resolutions, and some people aren’t – and what steps people can take to help themselves stick to their resolutions. There are a lot of factors, of course, in each individual’s case.

Take me. As I just detailed above, I know that exercise is an essential element of a happy life for me, and yet I've been very bad, lately, about getting exercise. Often, when I have a lot of work, I skip the gym as a way of proving my diligence to myself. "Look, I'm working so hard, I can't even find time to exercise." Sometimes, it's inevitable, but I've been using that excuse too readily for the last month.

So, how to do better? I have a friend who is a yoga instructor and a friend who is a strength training trainer. I asked them if they recognized any warning signs in people who are likely not to stick to a resolution to keep exercising.

They both agreed that there are warning signs. Read on, and if you recognize yourself in the statements below, beware. You may need to make a special effort to stick to a program. Check off any statement that sounds like it could have come out of your mouth:

“This time, I’m really going to stick to it! I mean it, I’m totally, 100% committed!”
This person sounds like he’s trying to convince himself but not really succeeding.

“I’m potentially thinking that maybe I might join this class.”
This person hasn’t really made up his mind. He’s not committed. Although he sounds very different, he's actually an awful lot like the person who says…

“I have to start tomorrow. No delay!”
This person is afraid that she’s going to lose her resolve. It’s probably happened to her before.

“Well, afternoons don’t work. And I can’t do mornings. I can come Tuesdays at noon, but not this Tuesday. Or next Tuesday...”
If people really want to exercise, they find the time.

“I’ll squeeze it in at lunchtime. I can just run out between meetings.”
This person hasn’t acknowledged to herself that exercise must be its own priority, and if she doesn’t make it a priority, it’ll always get shoved to the bottom of the to-do list. Which means it won't happen.

"As soon as I've done this task for Pat, and this other task for Blake, I'll exercise."
Again, exercise needs to be on the official to-list.

“I can’t wait to start. But first, I need to buy some new clothes. And some new shoes. And a mat. And I want to read up on it, too.”
I had a roommate like this. She loved shopping and everything involved in the preparation stage. But once she had all the stuff she needed for yoga or roller-blading or whatever, she lost interest.

If any of these statements remind you of yourself, use it as a warning sign to re-commit yourself to sticking to your exercise plan.

If you're embarking on a new routine, sometimes it helps to tell yourself that you’re just going to do it for six months. That doesn’t sound too onerous. Both instructors agreed that once people have kept up a program for six months, the exercise has become part of their routine, and it becomes much less likely that they’ll drop out. Also, if you really just can't fit it in, or make yourself do it, try to go for a twenty-minute walk each day. Or two ten-minute walks. Even that much exercise is so much better than nothing. I'm fortunate, because every school-day morning, I get a twenty-minute walk in, just taking my daughter to school.

* There's a huge amount of fascinating information on the blogs at Psychology Today.

If you like the blog, you'll love the book! Please consider The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

8 Tips to Stop Procrastinating.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips to stop procrastinating, and get yourself to do something you don't want to do.

How many times each day do you try to work yourself up to tackle some undesirable task? If you’re like me – several. Nothing is more exhausting than the task that is never started, so I've come up with some tricks to use on myself, to prod myself to get started:

1. Put yourself in jail. If I feel pressure to jump in and finish something in a rush, and therefore can't bear to start, sometimes I put myself in jail. If you're in jail, you have all the time in the world. You have no reason to hurry, no reason to cut corners or to try to do too many things at once. You can slow down, concentrate. You can take the time to get every single detail right.

2. Ask for help. This is one of my most useful Secrets of Adulthood. Why is this so hard? I have no idea. But whenever I have trouble getting started because I don't know exactly what to do, and I ask for help, I'm amazed at how much it...helps.

3. Remember: most decisions don’t require extensive research. I often get paralyzed by my inability to make a decision, but by reminding myself that often, one choice just isn’t that much different from another choice, I can get started. Also, I try to identify a knowledgeable person, and just follow whatever that person does.

4. Take a baby step. If you feel yourself dismayed at the prospect of the chain of awful tasks that you have to accomplish, just take one step today. Tomorrow, take the next step. The forward motion is encouraging, and before long, you’ll probably find yourself speeding toward completion. In the same vein...

5. Suffer for 15 minutes. You can do anything for fifteen minutes, and fifteen minutes, day after day, adds up surprisingly fast. That's how I finally dug myself out of my crushing (if virtual) load of digital photos. Fifteen minutes at a time.

6. Do it first thing in the morning. The night before, vow to yourself to do the dreaded task. Get everything ready -- any phone numbers of information you need, files assembled, everything ready to go. And the next day, at the first possible moment – as soon as you walk into work, or when the office opens, or whenever – just do it. Don’t allow yourself to reflect or procrastinate. This is particularly true of exercise. If you think you’ll be tempted to skip, try to work out in the morning.

7. Protect yourself from interruption. How often have you finally steeled yourself to start some difficult project, only to be interrupted the minute you get going? This makes a hard task much harder. Carve out some time to work.

8. Remember, work can be one of the most pernicious forms of procrastination. Don't kid yourself.

Note: Pay attention to the amount of time you spend working on tasks you dislike. No one enjoys getting invasive medical tests or preparing tax returns, but if you feel like your life consists of nothing but going from one dreaded chore to the next, you might be better off figuring out a way to avoid some of those tasks altogether.

I’m very good at making myself do things I don’t want to do, and while this is an enormous help in many situations, it has also allowed me to go down some dead ends in my career. The fact is, you’re unlikely to be happy or successful when every aspect of your life or job feels like a big drag. Don’t accuse yourself of being lazy or being a procrastinator, but ask – what’s making this so difficult? The fact that you're finding it hard to make yourself do something is a sign that maybe you should be doing something else.

On the other hand, novelty and challenge, as uncomfortable as they can be, do bring happiness. The chore that feels onerous today may give you a huge boost of satisfaction tomorrow, when it’s behind you. Keep that in mind, too.

What are some other strategies that you've found useful in trying to get yourself to jump some hurdle?

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Listen To Your Favorite Song.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! This month’s theme is the Five Senses, and last week’s resolution was to Tap into your senses--go outside. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution, to tap into the power of hearing, is to Listen to your favorite upbeat song.

Listen to your favorite upbeat song.

If you're curious about the song I mention, the Border ballad Raggle Taggle Gypsies, here are two great versions, from the Waterboys and from the Irish Descendants. (Preview: a very careful reader of Happier at Home will spot a fleeting reference to the song, which, as it happens, is also an allusion to Virginia Woolf.)

How about you? Do you find that listening to your favorite music cheers you? What song do you know will lift your spirits, every time?

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Want to feel happier? Listen to a favorite song.
The joy of rediscovering a song I love.
9 tips for dealing with a happiness emergency -- in the next hour.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I'll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* My thoughtful friend Melanie Notkin, a/k/a Savvy Auntie, let me know that the Girl Scouts now have a badge for "The Science of Happiness." Excellent!

* Join the happiness conversation on the Facebook Page. Lots of interesting discussion there.

Tap into Your Senses: Go Outside.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! Last month's theme was Self-control, and last week's theme was to Beware the licensing effect. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

his month’s theme is the Five Senses, and this week’s resolution is to Go outside.

Go outside.

You'll notice the loudness of New York City!

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Need a quick, easy happiness boost? Go outside.
Anne Frank: "Go outside; enjoy the sun and all nature."
16 tips for feeling happier at work.

Have you found that just going outside lifts your mood? Have you noticed whether the time of day, or being in nature, has any additional effect?

If you're new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I'll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* At the Mighty Summit a few weeks ago, I met Sarah Bryden-Brown, who told me about her e-book, Welcome To My World, with essays by mothers in various circumstances. Looks fascinating.

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month’s material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Email me at gretchenrubin1 at gretchenrubin dot com, or sign up here.

To Increase Your Self-Control, Boost Your Energy Level.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! Last month's theme was neighborhood, and last week’s resolution was to Call up past memories. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness? This month’s theme is Self-control.

This week’s resolution is: To increase self-control, boost your energy level.

To increase self-control, boost your energy level..MP3 for Audio Podcasting

 

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
8 tips for boosting your energy right now.
A new study explains why I can use self-control to meet one challenge, but not two.
14 tips for getting more sleep--and why it matters.

How about you? Have you found any good strategies for boosting your self-control? We all need as many as we can get.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I'll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* A thoughtful reader send me this image -- I love the fact that King's Cross has so entered into the spirit of Harry Potter.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:
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7 Tips for Making Happy Decisions about How to Spend Your Time, Energy, and Money.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 7 tips for making happy decisions about how to spend your time, energy, and money.

We all have to make decisions about how to spend our time, energy, and money. Because of my happiness project, I now explicitly ask myself, “Will this decision make me happier?” I’m determined to get the most happiness bang for the buck.

Here are some questions I consider:

1. Is this decision likely to strengthen my relationships with other people? Strong relationships with other people are a key—the key—to happiness, so decisions that help me build or strengthen ties are likely to boost my happiness. Yes, it’s a hassle and an expense to go to my college reunion, but it’s likely to have a big happiness pay-off.

2. Will this decision provide me with novelty and challenge? Novelty and challenge make me happier—but they also make me feel insecure, intimidated, frustrated, and stupid. To get past that hurdle, I remind myself that in the end, I usually get a big shot of happiness. When I considered adding video to my blog, I reminded myself that the process of mastering the process would likely make me happier. And it has.

3. What is the opportunity cost of this decision? (“Opportunity cost” describes that fact that doing one thing means foregoing alternatives.) Energy, time, and money are limited. Even if a decision would bring happiness, if it means that I have to give up the opportunity to do many other happiness-boosting activities, it may not be worth it. I could dedicate many hours to learning about classical music, and in the end, I might enjoy classical music more, but that activity would crowd out too many other things that I want to do more.

4. Does this decision help me obey my personal commandment to Be Gretchen? I want to shape my life to reflect my temperament, interests, and values. I ask myself: Am I making this decision to “Be Gretchen,” or because I want to impress other people, pretend that I’m different from the person I actually am, or deny a truth about myself?

5. When I consider a particular course of action, do I feel energized or drained?

6. How happy are the people who have made that particular decision? In Daniel Gilbert’s book Stumbling on Happiness, he argues that the most effective way to judge whether a particular course of action will make you happy in the future is to ask people who are following that course of action right now if they’re happy, and assume that you’ll feel the same way. Going on a family trip to Disneyworld. Getting a hamster. Learning to use Instagram. Working as a paralegal. Volunteering. In evaluating the likely consequences of a decision, other people’s experiences of happiness—or lack thereof—can be very instructive for me.

7. I remind myself to “Choose the bigger life.” People make different decisions about what the “bigger life” would be, but when I ask myself that question, it always helps me see the right answer, for myself.

This list might help answer questions such as:

• Should I join Facebook?
• Should I buy a tent?
• Should I throw a Labor Day party?
• Should I buy a new kitchen table?
• Should I sign up for Spanish lessons?

There’s no right answer or wrong answer -- only the right answer for me.

How about you? Have you developed questions for yourself, or other strategies, to help make wise decisions?

* I came across Adam Bryant's New York Times interview of Kip Tindell, the chief executive of the Container Store. Very thought-provoking -- and I'd love to talk a look at his "Philosphy Epistle" file.

* If you read this blog, but haven't read the book The Happiness Project -- I promise, the book isn't just a duplicate of the blog. It's different, and I think most people think it's better. There's only so much that can be said in a blog post! Anyway, if you'd like more information...
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.
Can't resist adding: #1 New York Times and international bestseller