The Happiness Project

Want To Feel Happier? Enjoy Childish Pleasures.

My children make me happy for many reasons, of course. But it strikes me that one reason that they make me happy is that they encourage me to engage more deeply with the physical world.

Left to my own instincts, I’d drift absent-mindedly through the apartment, reading, writing, and eating cereal for dinner every night. Through my daughters, I become much more alive to ordinary pleasures—the comfort of our weirdly soft fleece blanket, the vanishing sweetness of cotton candy, the textures and colors of the Play-Doh, scented markers, and velvety pipe cleaners left scattered around the kitchen.

I'm trying to push myself to enter more deeply into childish pleasures. I love blowing bubbles, but I haven't blown bubbles in a long time. I delight in looking at new boxes of Crayons and magic markers, but I almost never do any coloring myself. I've never used our cunning set of animal stamps.

I do make good use of food dye and sprinkles, however. I use any excuse to pull out our food dye! We have a giant box of sprinkles, colored markers that work on food, sugar crystals, rainbow nonpareils, and the like.

I get so much pleasure from turning vanilla yoghurt into a rainbow confection that I'm trying to be more aware of other opportunities to enjoy childish pleasures.

How about you? What childish pleasures do you enjoy, or wish you took the time to enjoy? Skate-boarding, jump-roping, shooting hoops, playing jacks? A forty-something friend told me that whenever she and her three sisters get together, they play Four-Square. It made me so happy just to hear that.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* A thoughtful reader sent me the link to this one-minute YouTube video for Google's "Search plus Your World." If you watch like a hawk, you can see the URL for The Happiness Project make a cameo in the search results displayed. Note: you will have to watch very closely.

* If you're looking for a good book, please consider The Happiness Project. Blatant self-promotion: New York Times bestseller for 44 straight weeks now.
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9 Tips for Dealing with Difficult Relatives Over the Holidays.

For many people, the holidays are a joyous time; other people dread them. If you anticipate that you might have to spend time with difficult relatives, here are some strategies for keeping family dinners pleasant:

1. Before you walk into the situation, spend a few minutes thinking about how you want to behave. Don’t just react in the moment; consider how you want to act. If you’ve had unpleasant experiences in the past, think about why they were unpleasant and what you could do to change the dynamics of the situation. You may just need to be more careful about getting enough sleep or giving yourself more travel time. If you want a peaceful dinner, think about how to contribute to a harmonious atmosphere. In particular…

2. Think about how topics that seem innocuous to you might upset someone else. You may think you’re showing a polite interest, but some questions will rub a person the wrong way: “So do you have a boyfriend yet?” “When are you two going to get married/start a family?” “Didn’t you give up smoking?” “Can you afford that?” “When are you going to get a real job?” Show an interest with more open-ended questions, like “What are you up to these days?” or “What’s keeping you busy?” Also…

3. Avoid strife. Some families enjoy arguing passionately amongst themselves; however, most don’t handle arguments very well. If you know Uncle Bob’s view of politics are going to drive you crazy, don’t bring it up! And if he brings it up, you don’t have to engage. Try to make a joke of it, and say something like, “Let’s agree to disagree,” “Let’s not talk about that, and give the rest of the family something to be thankful for,” etc. There's a time and a place for everything.

4. Don’t drink much alcohol. It can seem festive and fun to fill up your glass, but it’s easy to lose track of how much you’re drinking. Alcohol makes some people feel merry, but it also makes some people feel combative, or self-pitying, or lowers their inhibitions in a destructive way. I basically had to give up drinking because alcohol makes me so belligerent. And if other people seem to be trying to avoid or curb their drinking, don't make a big deal of it or urge them to indulge.

5. As best you can, play your part in the tradition. For some people, traditions are very, very important; for others, no. You may feel irritated by your brother’s insistence on having exactly the same food every Thanksgiving, or by your mother’s extreme reaction to the possibility that you might not come home for the day. Try to be patient and play your part. In the long run, traditions and rituals tend to help sustain happiness and family bonds. On the other hand...

6. On the other hand, if you’re the one who wants everything to be perfect, try to ease up on yourself and everyone else, so you can enjoy the day, whatever happens. Make the best of the situation. Even f the day isn't exactly the way you hoped it would be, try to enjoy what it is. My mother once told me, "The things that go wrong often make the best memories," and it's really true.

7. Don’t stuff yourself. Research shows that in fact, most people add just one pound during the holidays – but then they never lose it. You’ll have more fun if you’re not feeling uncomfortably full and then guilty about having eaten too much. Think about strategies for staying in control of holiday eating; feeling bad about having eaten too much can make you feel irritable and angry, which spills over into your interactions with other people. And, in the same vein as #4, if you notice that someone is skipping the mashed potatoes or skimping on dessert, don't comment or make it harder for them.

8. Find some fun. One of my Secrets of Adulthood is Just because something is fun for someone else doesn't mean it's fun for you, and vice versa. If the time with your relatives is meant to be fun, make sure you're spending at least some time doing something that's fun for you. Working in the kitchen, playing touch football, sitting around talking, running errands, watching TV -- these things may or may not be fun for you, no matter how the rest of the family feels.

9. Find reasons to be grateful. Be thankful that you get to cook, or that you don’t have to cook. Be thankful that you get to travel, or that you don’t have to travel. Be thankful for your family or your friends. Find something. Studies show that gratitude is a major happiness booster. Also, feeling grateful toward someone crowds out emotions like resentment and annoyance.

Wait, you might be thinking, these strategies don't tell me how to deal with my difficult relatives -- they tell you how to behave myself. Well, guess what! You can't do anything to change what your difficult relatives are going to do; you can only change yourself. Also, in many situations, people behave in a difficult way in reaction to something else. So you may think your niece flies off the handle without any reason, but she's furious because she thinks you're needling her about her appearance. If you behave differently, she will too.

Have you found any helpful strategies for dealing with a difficult Thanksgiving situation? What more would you add?

* Get a happiness quotation in your email inbox every morning -- sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Hug More, Kiss More, Touch More.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! This month’s theme is the Five Senses, and last week’s resolution was to Cultivate good smells. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is to Hug more, kiss more, touch more (appropriately, of course). This is one of my very favorite resolutions.

Hug more, kiss more, touch more.

(Sorry about the mediocre sound quality -- microphone troubles, now fixed.)

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Kiss more, hug more, touch more.
Making home happier: give warm greetings and farewells.
Act the way you want to feel.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I'll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* Is your book group reading The Happiness Project? Email me if you'd like the one-page discussion guide -- or the discussion guide for spirituality book groups, Bible study groups, and the like -- at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com. Happy reading!

5 Mistakes I Continue To Make in My Marriage.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: 5 mistakes I continue to make in my marriage, and how I try to address them.

One of the main themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life, my home, and my happiness.

When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make, I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them, though they remain challenging:

1. Demanding gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.

In response, I now think more about doing things for myself. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, I don't expect him to respond in any particular way.

2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I've worked on this issue relentlessly for years, and still have a really tough time with it. For instance, I spoke in a snappish tone just last night.

3. Not showing enough consideration. . Studies show that married people treat each other with less civility than they show to other people -- and I do this with my husband, I know. I'm working hard on basic consideration, such as giving him warm greetings and farewells, not reading my emails while talking to him on the phone, etc. Very basic, I know.

4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” -- that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.

First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.” I complain about the time I spend paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our our car. It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.

Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.

5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws. For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.

I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind, with my husband and my daughters, too. KMHMTM is one of my very favorite resolutions! It doesn't take any extra time, energy, or money, and it makes a real difference in the atmosphere of my home.

What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any useful strategies for addressing them?

* I love the internet! For some reason, I was thinking about the fabulous opening scene from the first Austin Powers movie, and then I thought -- I bet I can watch it on YouTube! And there it is. Silly, hilarious. If I had to pick a personal theme song, that music would definitely be a candidate.

Need a good book? TryThe Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
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In Which I Reveal a Big Secret. Well, It's Big to Me.

It's time to admit that I’ve been keeping a secret from my blog. Now all will be revealed! At last, it’s time to confess…not only am I working on a new book, I actually just handed in the draft to my editor! I’ve been working on it for a long time! (I know, this secret may not seem quite as earth-shattering to you as it does to me.)

Happiness is an inexhaustibly fascinating subject; I’d just begun to plumb its depths by the time I’d finished my last book. I wanted to pursue the subject more deeply -- but how?

For the first project, I had to develop a framework to understand happiness, and I took a wide, encompassing approach. For this new project, I wanted to go narrower, and deeper. I wanted to put some striking concept at the center, to find a single lens through which to view happiness. But what should that idea be?

As I was pondering this question, I recalled one of my favorite lines from Samuel Johnson: “To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition.” HOME! That’s what’s most important to me, I realized. To be happy at home.

Happier at Home is about what I did to try to be happier at home. I was pretty happy when I started -- happier than when I started The Happiness Project -- but still, I knew I could be happier.

Why am I announcing this today? Well, today my two daughters headed back to school, to start seventh grade and first grade, and I'm reminded, once again, of my Third Splendid Truth: The days are long, but the years are short. (Of everything I’ve written about happiness, I think this piece, as short as it is, is the one that resonates most with people.) Now is the time to be happier.

And for me, throughout my life, September’s back-to-school atmosphere has always given me a new zeal for self-examination and self-mastery. Those fresh clean notebooks, that new schedule...everything seems possible. I make resolutions at New Year’s, and also in September.

For that reason, Happier at Home spans a school year. From September through May, I work on being happier at home, with themes like Possessions, Time, Marriage, Interior Design, Parenthood, Neighborhood, Body, Now.

Happier at Home will come out next August.

Ah, it feels good to talk about it!

What do you think? Does it grab your interest? How do you like the subject and the title? (Subtitle is still a work in progress.) Each time I write a book, I think sadly, "Alas, no book will ever be as much fun to write as this book. It's all downhill from here." And each time, I've loved my next book even more. And so it is with Happier at Home. It is such a joy to write this book.

* Good news, bad news. Good news: Colleen Wainwright successfully hit her goal for her fiftieth birthday, to raise $50,000 in 50 days for WriteGirl, a project to which she's deeply committed. Bad news: now she has to keep her promise and shave her head -- bald! Learn more about the fabulous "50-for-50 project" here.

* Sign up for the daily Moment of Happiness to get a happiness quotation in your email inbox. Or sign up for the monthly newsletter, to get highlights from the blog and Facebook. If you'd rather, send your requests by email to gretchenrubin1 at gretchenrubin dot com.

Trying To Make Home Happier: Give Warm Greetings and Farewells.

One of the bedrock principles of my happiness project is that I can't change anyone but myself. It's so easy to imagine that I’d be happier if only other people would behave properly, but I can't assign resolutions to anyone but myself.

I firmly believe this, yet I did decide to try something that runs completely contrary to this very sound Gretchen-only rule. I proposed a family resolution to Give warm greetings and farewells.

When our two daughters were little, they’d greet me and my husband with wild enthusiasm whenever we walked in the door, and often cried miserably when we left. Nowadays, they sometimes barely looked up from their own games or homework or books when we walked in or out. It was a relief, in a way, but also a little sad. And too often, my husband and I didn’t give warm greetings or farewells, either.

I love my resolution to Hug more, kiss more, touch more. It takes no extra time, energy, or money, and it makes a big difference in the atmosphere of my apartment. To build on that resolution, I wanted family members to feel acknowledged and welcomed, every time they walked through the door.

Over Sunday pancakes, I posed a question: “If you could make a resolution for everyone in the family, what would it be?”

My husband answered without hesitation. “I do whatever I want, while the rest of the family cleans up the apartment and runs errands.”

“That’s a thought,” I said drily. “Next?”

My older daughter said, “We’d have different things for breakfast during the week, like eggs, instead of just cereal or peanut butter on toast.”

“We could do that,” I said. “I didn’t know you wanted anything else.” Then I turned to my younger daughter. “Do you have a suggestion?”

“People would always give me a big hug and a big kiss every time they saw me. And I would go to State News to buy a toy whenever I want.”

“Well, I want to propose something,” I said. “It’s a lot like the first part of that suggestion. I want us to have the rule that when any one of us comes home, or is leaving, we all have to pay attention to that person for a minute. Let’s give warm greetings and farewells.”

“Why?” asked my daughter.

“Let’s show more affection and attention for each other. I know that I’m bad about this, myself. It’s hard to be interrupted when you’re in the middle of something, but this is important.”

Everyone agreed good-naturedly with the aim of the resolution to give warm greetings and farewells -- but would we all remember to do it, without nagging? I didn’t want a resolution meant to boost our feelings of affection to turn into a source of conflict.

Somewhat to my surprise, we all quickly began to follow this resolution (most of the time). Giving warm greetings and farewell feels like a natural thing to do, and the more we do it, the more it becomes a habit. As a consequence, each day, several times, we have moments of real connection among all members of our family. For instance, instead of letting my older daughter yell, “I’m leaving” before she disappears out the door to go to school, I call, “Wait, wait,” and we all hurry to give her a real hug and a real good-bye.

A small thing, very small -- nevertheless, it makes a real difference. As Benjamin Franklin pointed out, “Human Felicity is produc’d not so much by great Pieces of good Fortune that seldom happen, as by little Advantages that occur every Day.”

How about you? Do you make a special effort to give warm greetings and farewells, or does this happen naturally?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* I'm very intrigued by a new blog called Startup Marriage -- "balancing entrepreneurship and relationship" -- and thrilled to see, in the inaugural post, that The Happiness Project blog and book have been an inspiration for Brad Feld and Amy Batchelor in what they're doing.

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month’s material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com.

Any Suggestions for Ways to Reach Members of the Military and Military Families?

As I was researching The Happiness Project, I was struck by the fact that I often found it more helpful to read about one person's idiosyncratic happiness project than to read about general principles applying to all humankind or studies applying to large populations. For some reason, reading about Thoreau's very individual decision to move to Walden Pond, or St. Therese's struggle to stay patient with the nun who made clicking noises during evening prayers, was what taught me most about myself.

I've heard from people whose lives are very different from mine, on the surface -- but it turns out that we face many of the same challenges in our happiness projects.

Here's a question for you, readers: I've been steadily getting email from members of the military and from military families who have found The Happiness Project helpful.

I'd like to do more to connect with this group of readers, but I don't know that world well. Do you have any suggestions for me?About blogs I should read, people I should contact, sites I should visit, and other resources I should know about? If you know that world, can you help spread the word? I'd so appreciate any advice or assistance.

* If you love a good uncluttering the way I do, you'll love Unclutterer -- "daily tips on how to organize your home and office." Useful and hilarious.

* If you'd like a signed, personalized bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project -- or for an e-book or audio book, a signed, personalized signature card, with Paradoxes of Happiness on the back -- email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. Feel free to ask for as many of either or both as you'd like, for yourself or for a gift; I'll mail anywhere in the world; they're free -- and please remember to include your mailing address.

"When My Mother Died, She Basically Told Me To Try to Enjoy My Life More."

Happiness interview: Meghan O'Rourke.

Meghan O'Rourke is a writer in many incarnations -- an essayist, poet, critic, and editor. I got to know Meghan during the time that this blog appeared on Slate , and I was very eager to get my hands on her new book.

The Long Goodbye is a memoir of her mother's death from cancer in 2008, at the age of 55, when Meghan was 32 years old. Going through great unhappiness is one of the best, and most difficult, teachers of happiness, so I was very interested to hear what Meghan had to say.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Meghan: Taking a walk. I used to run a lot, and that always made me happier (even if I was unhappy lacing up my shoes to do it). But I tore the cartilage in my right hip and need surgery – so I can’t run anymore. The injury happened about 9 months after my mother died, and running had been one of my ways of dealing. This has been a real challenge. But I realized that I could walk instead, and over time I’ve come to see that slowing down and taking things in – rather than running through them like a linebacker – might be good for me.

Generally, reading a good book makes me happy. Reading Anne of Green Gables or T. H. White’s The Once and Future King always is great, and I return to them when I’m particularly low. And learning does too. There is a beautiful passage in The Book of Merlyn, the prequel to The Once and Future King, about this, and after my mother died it was a kind of lifeline for me:

“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder in your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewer of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then—to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it.”

[I love that passage, too! In fact, I quoted it here two years ago.]

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
I guess that it comes and goes. When I’m unhappy, I know that the worst part of it will pass if I just stick it out; I can survive it. At the same time – and this is more complicated, and may seem to contradict what I just said – I have a stronger sense that certain kinds of pain do stay with us and shape us profoundly. My mother’s death on Christmas Day 2008 taught me that. The shaping isn’t all for ill, though it can be challenging to remember that.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Not sleeping enough. Not exercising. Obvious things. One that’s less obvious, to me at least: I can be a workaholic. Sometimes I look up, feeling lonely, and realize I haven’t seen my friends or gotten out of the house for a few days. Not seeing people always makes me feel down, even though I sometimes think it will feel good to just hole up and be quiet.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself that “There is only love.”)
My mother used to say, “Lighten up, Meg,” when I got uptight about little things. It was her way of saying, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” She knew that I was anxious, and a little obsessive, and that sometimes I let the world seem darker than it needed to. Now that she’s gone, I say that to myself – usually when fretting that I said the wrong thing to so-and-so, or made the wrong call about something at work, or some such. Or when I wanted to do x and instead got stuck doing y – but it really doesn’t matter.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Sweating the small stuff; not taking time to feel grateful. I know these are things you talk about a lot on your blog – but actively taking the time to feel grateful can change your day radically. After my mother’s death the only way I got through the worst months of grieving was in trying to identify beauty. It sounds corny, and I probably would have laughed at myself for this once upon a time, but I would make myself try to find several beautiful things in the day and not let myself spiral into anxiety that they might someday disappear.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I do work on being happier. When my mother died, she basically told me to try to enjoy my life more. So now I take more care with boring things – like trying to go to bed at the same time, eat well, exercise a little every day. I try to notice when something feels bad, or spending time with someone leaves me feeling deflated. And I tell myself most of the things that I get worried about truly don’t matter. I have a fairly hokey routine of trying to remind myself of the largeness of the universe and the minuteness of my place in it.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
Great question. I once moved to a bigger apartment in a remoter location thinking that the space would make me happier. In fact, I missed feeling in the thick of things – and preferred having a smaller place to feeling lonely.

The real surprise though has been what happened to me after my mother died: I remember feeling that nothing good could ever happen again, that her death was a painful force of ill in my life. But two and a half years on I can see that there were things that have come out of it that have helped me – I learned to relax a bit, paradoxically, because the thing I was most frightened of happened, and I survived. In a strange way, it has made me more grateful, and I think a lot of stuff is much funnier than I used to. (Particularly my own failures and pretensions.) In a sense, I’m so grateful not to be in the kind of pain I was right after she died that lots of little things seem pretty extraordinary – and big things, too, like the fact that loss can connect you to other people who have suffered. Ironically, I made friends with people because I was grieving and they came forward to help – and it forced us into a kind of closeness we might not otherwise have had.

* I'm now officially obsessed with the sense of smell, so was intrigued by this post, Curious about...Sillage on the terrific site The Curiosity Chronicles. I'd never heard the wonderful term "sillage," which is French for "wake" (as in the wake left by a boat) and is also used to describe how a perfume leaves behind its scent.

* Father's Day is coming soon! (June 19 in the U.S., UK, and Canada.) For your consideration...The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller). To make a book gift more special, perhaps you'd like a signed, personalized bookplate -- or for an ebook or audio book, perhaps you'd like a signed, personalized signature card, with Paradoxes of Happiness on the back. If so, email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. Feel free to ask for as many as you'd like, for yourself or for a gift; I'll mail anywhere in the world; they're free -- and please remember to include your mailing address.

"I Focused on Who I Wasn't By My Mid-Thirties...Instead of Focusing On Who I Am."

Interview: Melanie Notkin.

One reason that this blog has brought me so much happiness is that blogging has widened my circle of friends so much. I met Melanie Notkin because we're both interested in using social media to engage with readers, and I'm very excited for her this week -- her first book just hit the shelves, Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers, and All Women Who Love Kids. In it, she shines a light on relationships that bring a tremendous amount of love and happiness -- the bond among "aunties" and their nieces, nephews, god-children, etc.

I knew Melanie has done a lot of thinking about happiness, so I was eager to hear what she had to say.

Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Melanie: I call my nephew and nieces to hear the sound of their voices. Nothing puts a smile on my face faster than that.

What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?
When I was a teenager, I thought happiness was an automatic result of popularity. Today I know it’s the reverse; popularity is often a result of happiness.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to "Enjoy the fun of failure.")
“Keep going.” A close friend reminds me of this when I share a success… reminding me that there’s more where that came from if I just keep going with a positive attitude.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I know what used to detract from my happiness. I focused on who I wasn’t by my mid-thirties (a wife, a mother) instead of focusing on who I am (a devoted aunt, a business owner). Once I began referring to myself in the positive (I’m not childless, I’m “childfull” because I choose to fill my life with children to love) that I quickly realized that happiness is self-defined. You just need the right words to rewrite happiness for yourself if life didn’t go as planned. That's why I launched SavvyAuntie.com in 2008 and wrote Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers, and All Women Who Love Kids. So many women have discovered their incredible value as aunts and godmothers and the invaluable role they play in a child's life. That makes them - and me - very happy.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Every day. I practice letting things go…. Not giving up on success, but rather understanding, knowing and believing that cause and effect are not always immediately directly related or visible. If I do something that I believe will make me happy, and yet it fails, I believe the success will come from an unexpected source in the future. Letting go of my perceived beliefs of what I think should make me happy, versus believing that all efforts result in eventual greater happiness, is my greatest “work.” Happiness is undeniable because I don't stop believing in it.

* I was very interesting in this post by Austin Kleon, How to steal like an artist (and 9 other things nobody told me). I don't agree with every item, but many of them rang true, and it's a very thought-provoking piece.

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Curious about the book, The Happiness Project? (Can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
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Make the Most of Your Photographs.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! This month’s theme is Memories, and last week’s resolution was to Keep a file box. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is to Make the most of your photographs.

Make_the_most_of_your_photographs_Podcast

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Photographs make me happy, but they're also making miserable.
Need a simple way to boost your mood in one minute? Look at a photo of someone you love.
Six tips for using mementos to keep happy memories vivid.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I'll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* If you like a good questionnaire, you'll find a lot of terrific happiness-related questionnaires on the Authentic Happiness site.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:
-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, “Email me for new uploads.” Or...
-- Go to your main drop-down box, click “Subscriptions,” find the GretchenRubin channel, click “Edit Subscriptions,” and check “Email me for new uploads” there.

To get the audio podcast of the video:
-- Log in to iTunes
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-- Search for “The Happiness Project.” Free, of course.