The Happiness Project

Why "Twilight" Inspired Me To Do Better With My Resolutions.

Assay: I'm a huge fan of Twilight (books and movies)—a fact about myself that continues to fascinate and puzzle me. Last night, I went to see the fourth movie in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn, which inspired me to look back at a post I wrote two years ago. I really love that post, so here it is again.

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Following my resolution to Enter into other people’s interests, last week I watched the movie Twilight with my older daughter. This wasn’t a sacrifice for me; I love Stephenie Meyer's books (oh, how I love children’s and young-adult literature), so I was curious to see the movie.

I found the movie interesting for many reasons not relevant here (other than to say I’m thinking about Jung generally, Frazier’s The Golden Bough, and George Orwell’s discussion of “good bad poetry” in his essay, “Rudyard Kipling”), but in particular, I loved the depiction of wordless, instantaneous, passionate love.

Many of my happiness-project resolutions are meant to help me be more tender, more loving, more-lighthearted, more appreciative…more romantic.

My husband and I met when we were in law school. I still remember the first time I saw him walk into the library—a shock ran through me, and I could practically feel my pupils dilate. He was wearing jeans and a rose-colored Patagonia pull-over (which I still keep in my closet). I walked over to a friend and whispered casually, “Who is that guy?”

Our law school is small, and our social circles magically started to overlap, so I met him, and my crush deepened. One important night, we sat next to each other at a dinner party. There was that afternoon when we ran into each other on the law-school staircase in front of the stained-glass windows.

But he had a girlfriend, and I had a boyfriend. Then he broke up with his girlfriend. A week later, on May 1 (I just looked up the exact date in my calendar), I broke up with my boyfriend. It happened in the morning, and I went out into the courtyard and made a general announcement of the break-up to a bunch of friends—to see what his reaction would be.

No reaction. “Hmmmm,” I thought. “Maybe I misread this situation.” Had I imagined what I thought was between us? After all, the two of us had never talked about anything of importance, certainly not about “us”; we’d never spent any time alone, only in chaperoned groups (except that once he’d asked me to breakfast at the Copper Kitchen before our Corporations class, an occasion so thrilling to me in prospect that I slept only a few hours the night before); and neither of us had ever made even the smallest romantic overture toward each other.

But that same afternoon after my break-up, he told me he was going to walk to Wawa’s (the New Haven version of QuikTrip) to get a Coke, and did I want to come? I did. We walked to Wawa’s, then back to the law school, and sat on a bench beneath some blooming magnolia trees. He said something completely incoherent, then took my hand; this was the first time we ever touched. At that moment, if he’d asked me to marry him, I wouldn’t have been at all surprised, and I might well have said “Yes.” (We did get engaged several months later.)

Now, so many years later, is it the same? Yes and no. Yes, because I still love him passionately, and more deeply, because I know him so much better. No, because he pervades my entire life, so now sometimes it’s hard to see him. Married people are so intertwined, so interdependent, so symbiotic, that it’s hard to maintain that sense of wonder and excitement.

If I’ve learned one thing from my happiness project, it’s that if I want my life to be a certain way, I must be that way myself. If I want my marriage to be tender and romantic, I must be tender and romantic.

Am I tender and romantic? Am I appreciative, thoughtful, forbearing, fun-loving? Or do I march around the apartment snapping out reminders and orders? Am I quick to feel annoyed or aggrieved? When we first met, I honestly wondered whether it would ever be possible for me to read when we were sitting in a room together; I found it so hard to concentrate that I couldn’t make sense of anything more complicated than the newspaper. Now, I find it hard to tear myself away from my work and my email to hold up my end of a marital conversation.

So, inspired by the springtime, and the memories of early love brought back to me by Twilight, I’m going to redouble my usual efforts to keep my resolutions related to love. Think of small treats or courtesies. Leave things unsaid. Give proofs of love. Don’t expect praise. Take time to be silly. Fight right.

Have you found any good ways to stay tender and romantic in a long relationship?

Here, to me, is the great mystery: we’re perfectly suited to each other—but how did we fall in love before we knew each other at all? How is that possible?

* The movie also reminded me to Be Gretchen and accept my taste in music. I loved the song from the Twilight piano scene, "Bella's Lullaby," and instead of dismissing that pleasure, I let myself enjoy it—and in the process, came across this engaging post by the composer Carter Burwell. (To listen to the song, listen to the clip on his post, or this preview.)

It reminds me of another soundtrack song I love, The Promise, from the mind-blowing movie The Piano. The pairing of the two songs/movies is interesting, because The Piano is about wordless passion between adults, with their complications, instead of teenagers.

* Join the happiness discussion on Facebook.

Assay: Why Does Happiness Have Such a Bad Reputation?

Assay: One surprising thing about happiness is that it has such a bad reputation.

Yesterday, I was reading to my younger daughter from Shel Silverstein’s classic book of children's poetry, Where the Sidewalk Ends. We came to this poem – which caught my eye, for obvious reasons.

The Land of Happy
Have you been to The Land of Happy,
Where everyone's happy all day,
Where they joke and they sing
Of the happiest things,
And everything's jolly and gay?
There's no one unhappy in Happy,
There's laughter and smiles galore.
I have been to The Land of Happy —
What a bore!

Happiness, many people assume, is boring – a complacent state of mind for self-absorbed, uninteresting people. Consider the scene in Woody Allen’s movie Annie Hall, when Alvy asks a happy couple how they account for their happiness, and the woman answers, “I am very shallow and empty, and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say,” and the man agrees, “I’m exactly the same way.”

In fact, however, studies show — and experience bears out — that happiness doesn’t make people complacent or self-centered. Rather, happier people are more interested in the problems of other people, and in the problems of the world. They’re more likely to volunteer, to give away money, to be more curious, to want to learn a new skill, to persist in problem-solving, to help others, and to be friendly. They’re more resilient, productive, and healthier. Unhappy people are more likely to be defensive, isolated, and preoccupied with their own problems.

Some people are argue that it's better to be interesting than happy. But that's a false choice.

It’s true that if you’re trying to tell an interesting story, unhappiness makes a much easier subject. There’s more conflict, more drama. Unhappy circumstances hold our attention. But real life is different.

I often think of Simone Weil’s observation, adapted for unhappiness and happiness: “Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.”

I'm not arguing that a happy life should be free from all negative emotions -- not at all. I think there's much value in bad emotions. Nevertheless, while the Land of Happy might be a boring place to read about, I imagine it would be a nice place to live.

* I love the delightful blog 1000 Awesome Things, and I'm looking forward to meeting Neil Pasricha for the first time when I go to Toronto on January 17-18. So I was eager to check out his TEDxToronto talk on The 3A's of Awesome. Funny, thought-provoking...dare I say it? awesome!

* * If your book group is reading The Happiness Project -- or considering it -- I've prepared a one-page discussion guide for book groups, as well as a guide tailored for church groups, spirituality book groups, and the like. If you'd like either discussion guide (or both), email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. (Don't forget the "1.")

Happiness Is...Platform 9 and 3/4 in New York City's Union Square Station.

A friend sent me this photo. It made me so happy. I love New York City! And, of course, I love Harry Potter.

* On Twitter? Follow me @gretchenrubin.

"Flirting, Watching Clips from Broadway Shows and Nature Documentaries, and Reminding Myself to 'Suck It Up and Deal With It Now.'"

Happiness interview: Natasha Vargas-Cooper.

My love for all things Twilight, books and movies, both fascinates and puzzles me. Obedient to my Personal Commandment to "Be Gretchen," I wear my passion on my sleeve, and so last year, a movie-critic friend emailed me to say, "Hey, I know you love Twilight stuff. You should check out this review."

I read the attached review of New Moon, and I recently read the review of the new movie Eclipse, and I was blown away by the writing of Natasha Vargas-Cooper and Mary H.K. Choi. This kind of crazy, high-low, jumping style looks playful, but is very, very hard to do well -- pyrotechnical effects combined with real insight and analysis. As G.K. Chesterton observed, "It is easy to be heavy; hard to be light."

I'm a big fan of this writing, but these reviews are crammed with graphic sexual language, curse words, and possibly offensive remarks. So much so that I'm not even going to link to them here, but if you're curious, and don't mind that kind of thing -- and a fan of the Twilight "Saga" of course -- you can look on The Awl where they appeared. Reader, know thyself!

For a broader audience, Natasha has a book that just hit the shelves yesterday, Mad Men Unbuttoned: A Romp Through 1960s America. If you're a Mad Men fan -- and all my favorite people are -- you''ll love it. I confess that I've only seen three episodes; I'm dying to catch up and join the frenzy, but first, I want to watch every episode of Vampire Diaries, the show my sister is now writing for. (Hmmm...odd vampire theme emerging in this post.) Then, Mad Men. I don't have much TV time, but this book made me very impatient to get started.

The book is heavily and fabulously illustrated, and highlights intriguing aspects of the Mad Men milieu -- topics like Polaroid, Stewardesses, California Cool, Puffing While Pregnant, Suburban Rococo, Cheever Country, just to name a few. But before I read a word, I turned every page to look at the pictures. I love that 60's look.

I wanted to ask Natasha about her views on happiness.

What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Flirting! It’s the first honest answer that popped into my head and I know that it’s true. I am super naturally good at it!

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Mostly that short cuts to happiness will intensify unhappiness later. Avoiding the yucky awful things like break ups, confrontations, quitting jobs so you can simulate being content will eventually make you miserable. So just “suck it up and deal with it now! You’ll thank me,” is what I would say to 18 year old me.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I tend to brood. Once I’m in a bad mood I try to stay there. The sad music comes on, I self induce nostalgia, and mope. Tremendous effort goes into moping.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
“Breathe and don’t drink.” I’m not even a drunk! But in the recovery world, this is what people tell themselves when they feel overwhelmed. It’s the simplest axiom, but it saved people’s lives. So if something as complex and overpowering as addiction can be kept in check with that saying, it gives me hope that any issue that comes before me is manageable.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
Showtunes! I like to find clips from Broadway shows because growing up listening to musicals you could only imagine would it be like to watch Chita Rivera sing a solo but now on Youtube you can see it! You can see the dream!

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I’m young so in my cohort the people who I know are miserable are usually angst ridden because they feel overwhelmed by circumstance; Either an awful job or dysfunctional relationship or lack of direction. So they idle, and all their feelings clot into a these big sad blobs. They just congeal, making any movement forward or backward or even lateral too painful to do. Idling is a destroyer.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I am at my most full tilt depressed when I work for some who is a bad leader. Not just bad manager, but a person or group of people in a position of power who don’t know how to lead other people. It makes me act out I spend all of my time making sure that every one around me is also angry. When I’ve have been at my unhappiest is when I’m in that position. I go bonkers.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I spend the last hour of my day watching nature documentaries. I don’t read or TV before I go to bed. This has made me miraculously calmer person. It humbles me and inspires me and always puts ideas into my head so I wake up the next morning feeling good because I went to bed serenely. I think this is how some people feel about prayer? Richard Attenborough is my god!

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
I thought being alone would make me crazy with unhappiness. I never thought I could steer my life on my own. The notion used to fill me with dread and some days it still does. But in general it’s great! My default is now ‘solo’. I never thought I would enjoy hanging out with me so much. Let me tell you, I am a delight.

* On the subject of writers-I-admire, my friend Amy Wilson's blog, Mother Load -- "musings of a former perfectionist and current mother" -- is hilarious and thought-provoking. Her book, When Did I Get Like This?: The Screamer, the Worrier, the Dinosaur-Chicken-Nugget-Buyer, and Other Mothers I Swore I'd Never Be, came out recently, too.

* If you'd like a personalized, signed bookplate to put in your copy of The Happiness Project, email me your name, or someone else's name, and the address to which I should mail the bookplate, and I'll send it right off. Feel free to ask for as many as you like. My email is grubin [at] gretchenrubin [.com]. Don't forget to include your mailing address

Stop Talking, Or, a Happiness Lesson from Sex and the City 2.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A few days ago, as a treat, a friend and I went to see Sex and the City 2, which was tons of fun.

SPOILER ALERT: I am going to talk about the plot here for a minute, so be warned.

My favorite moment of the movie came when Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) was sobbing to Charlotte (Kristin Davis) about the fact that she’d kissed her ex-boyfriend. She couldn’t believe she’d done it, she was frantic with remorse, and she wanted to tell her husband and be forgiven.

What struck me about the scene was that, for a long time, Charlotte said nothing. She sat right beside Carrie, gently stroked her hair, and said nothing. Her posture and her face showed that she was listening, and sympathizing, but she kept quiet. Charlotte’s silence was more powerful and more loving than anything she could have said. Sometimes words can only diminish what you want to convey.

This struck me because one of my resolutions is Stop talking. I find it very easy to talk, talk, talk. I’m a talkative person, plus, as a writer, I work alone and in silence for most of the day, so when I’m around people, I have a strong impulse to talk. If there’s a problem of some kind, I want to talk, when sometimes I should be more focused on listening. Also, I worry about knowing the right thing to say, and that can distract me from listening.

A few days ago, my older daughter was upset about something, and -- more because I didn’t know how to respond than because I remembered this resolution -- I said nothing. Instead, I just hugged her. That seemed to give her a lot of comfort, more comfort than perhaps my commentary would have brought.

Sometimes, it’s good to talk. Sometimes, it’s good to stop talking.

* I loved this video about an office prank. Wonderful! How fun is your office? Take this quiz.

* There's been a lot of interest in the one-page discussion guide for book groups. Because so many people mentioned that they're reading The Happiness Project with their church group, or in a spirituality book group, and the like, I wrote another one-page discussion guide that focuses on the spiritual aspect. If you'd like either discussion guide (or both!), email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com.

Happiness Is...Reminscing about Terrific Old TV Ads.

I love getting the chance to meet friends from blogland in real life, and on Sunday, I had coffee with Meagan Francis, of The Happiest Mom fame. It's so funny in these situations -- we'd never met before, and I felt like we could've talked all afternoon, it was so much fun.

Among other topics, she told me she’d seen my TV ad, which got us talking about commercials that made us very emotional.

We happily reminisced about the “Homefront” public-service ads that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ran on TV during the 1970s and 80s. Those ads were so powerful. She and I could both remember them well, and in fact, we both choked up while recounting them!

Meagan remembered best the ad where the father started to yell at his kids playing in the mud, then instead jumped in to play with them. I remembered the ad that opened with a husband and wife yelling at each other, then showed the husband surprising his wife at work, in the classroom where she taught, and writing, “I’m sorry” a hundred times on her blackboard. If I remember correctly, the tagline was, “Love lasts when you put your family first.”

I went back on YouTube to look for them. I couldn’t find those two, but here are a few others; unfortunately, they aren't as good as ones we remembered:

“Power Out” – worth watching for the hairstyles alone

“Who Broke My Window?”

The public-service ad that I remember most clearly of all is the Schoolhouse Rock segment on “The Preamble.” It came in handy not only in high school, when I had to memorize the Preamble to the Constitution, but again in law school (where I often found myself wishing that Schoolhouse Rock had done a segment about the Constitutional Amendments).

"The Preamble"

Gosh, speaking of powerful ads from days of yore, what about that Yul Brynner ad about quitting smoking? I just looked it up on YouTube this minute. Until now, I’d only seen this ad once in my life, and I remembered it practically verbatim.

"Don't smoke."

I was trying to figure out why it gives me such a feeling of happiness to reflect on these ads. In part, it’s the nature of the messages, and also nostalgia for childhood associations, but also, I think, the happiness that comes from seeing a piece of work that's very well done. For such a short message to be so well crafted that it’s remembered for decades – it makes me happy to see such great craftsmanship, in any arena.

Do you remember an ad that roused particularly strong or happy emotions?

* Trying to figure out a good Mothers' Day gift? Please consider The Happiness Project. Remember that old saying! "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Here's an

Avoid a Repellent Plotline.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too.! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One of the key tools for a happiness project, I’ve discovered, is mindfulness. Which is unfortunate, because I’m a very unmindful person. (Take this quiz to find out how mindful you are.) But I see that the more aware I am of my emotions, reactions, and behavior, the more readily I can shape them.

For example, it took me years to notice a very obvious fact about myself: I have a horror of any plotline involving unjust accusation. I just can’t bear it. I’d find myself intensely disturbed by books, plays, movies, or histories that other people enjoyed – if I was even able to finish them. Say, Othello.

I’m not sure when I developed this aversion. I haven’t always had it; when I was a child, I had a fascination with the Salem witch trials, a subject that now I’d never want to study.

Once I’d noticed this revulsion in myself, I felt embarrassed about it. It seemed immature and unsophisticated to discount books, historical subjects, TV shows, and movies because of this antipathy. But as part of my effort to “Be Gretchen,” I started to cut myself slack in this area. And it’s such a relief!

My book group chose Ian McEwan's Atonement, and I’d read about twenty pages when my warning siren started going off. I never finished it (and I love McEwan). I bought but then never read George Orwell’s Burmese Days (and I love Orwell); ditto, Julian Barnes’s Arthur & George (and I love Barnes). I can’t watch a movie like The Fugitive. Many people have recommended The Shawshank Redemption as a terrific movie about happiness, but I’ve never managed to force myself to watch it. I read Alexandre Dumas’s The Count of Monte Cristo, and loved it, because I love revenge fantasies, but I had to skip the first section -- I flipped ahead to the prison escape and started reading there.

Was I the only person to have this kind of plotline issue, I wondered? I posted a question, and I've discovered that I wasn’t as unusual as I thought.

"I thought I was the only "grown-up" who cringed at certain things portrayed in movies or TV shows. In my case, it's embarrassment. I hate to see characters subjected to embarrassment or humiliation. Often, I have to click the TV off when I see that coming. I hate to see people--even fictional people--hurt in that way."

"For me, it's the scenes of wild destruction of someone's big project. Like the big mess made in Elf of the store's winter wonderland. Horrible!! And all the worse when everyone else laughs their head off in the theater."

"Oddly enough, I cannot handle anything where there's potential harm to animals. I don't mind violent movies, but stay away from the animals.”

"I can't stand the "missed connection" story-lines. You know the ones where two people *just* miss one another (the movie Serendipity was TORTURE to me). Funny what drives people up a wall :)"

"I can't handle driving scenes when I think there may be an impending wreck. Like if the driver is chatting away and not paying attention to driving."

"It sets my nerves on edge when the plot is driven by a misunderstanding between two people (usually the romantic leads) that could be solved in an instant if they would just communicate with each other. I want to yell "Just talk to him/her!" Unfortunately for me, this is the plot of about one-third of all romantic comedies."

"Anything related to dementia."

“When someone is sentenced to death or buried alive.”

“Can't stand the domestic violence theme.”

“Anything about a child in danger makes me too upset. Didn't bother me as much before I became a mother!”

“I can't bear to read about/watch supreme and unrecognized self-sacrifice.”

“I don't like stories that start out with a lie that sparks more lies which leads to more lies.”

“The evil twin.”

“Sympathetic criminal trying to go legit, sucked in for one last score that you know will ruin his life.”

“Anything having to do with torture turns my stomach.”

“Fiction where everything just keeps going wrong 2 excess, whether it's a thriller or a comedy, it makes me anxious.”

“I've had quite enough of women whose greatest ambition is to marry and they'll go to humiliating lengths to catch their man.”

“When someone lies and you just know it will ruin everything in the relationship when the person lied to finds out.”

"I don't like plots where the momentum depends on the main character doing incredibly stupid or self-destructive things. I will usually stop reading if that starts to happen."

“I personally can do without disaster films where everything hinges on an unrecognized genius, who is also trying to get back together with his estranged family."

If you can identify a plotline you find repellent, consider letting yourself avoid it! Don’t force yourself to read or watch, just because you “should” find it enjoyable.

How about you? Have you identified a plotline you can't stand?

* Do you live in Calgary? A Canadian writer based in Calgary is looking to interview fellow Calgarians who have launched happiness projects. Her name is Alison Azer and she can be reached at alisonazer@shaw.ca.

* Interesting (and reassuring) article on Gimundo about a study that shows that parents today spend more time with their children than did previous generations.

* The book The Happiness Project has been bouncing around the New York Times bestseller list for fifteen weeks now! – including hitting #1! You can...
Order your copy!
Read sample chapters!
Watch the one-minute book trailer!
Join the discussion on the Facebook Page!
If you're inspired to start your own happiness project, join the 2010 Happiness Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year.