The Happiness Project

Want to Join a Happiness Project Group? Make Friends, Have Fun, Stick to Your Resolutions!

One happiness-project resolution that has added enormously to my happiness is my resolution to Join or start a group.

For many people, making and keeping friends is one of the most important (and challenging) elements of their happiness project, and being part of a group is a terrific way to make new friends, deepen existing friendships, have fun, create a sense of belonging, and spend time thinking about a subject that interests you. (For tips on making friends, read here and here). It sounds odd to talk about "efficiency" in the context of friendship, but belonging to a group is a very efficient way to build and strengthen relationships -- especially if you have a hard time making time for friendships.

I've heard from lots of people who want to launch or join groups for people doing happiness projects together, so I created this (free) starter kit, to help folks get the ball rolling. If you want a copy, email me at gretchenrubin1 at gretchenrubin dot com.

People all over the world have started groups for people doing happiness projects together. These groups swap ideas, build enthusiasm, give encouragement, and – perhaps most important – hold each other accountable. (Think AA and Weight Watchers.) Some of these groups consist of people who know each other already -- colleagues at a law firm, a sorority, a church study group, members of a family -- and some of these groups consist of strangers who come together just to work on happiness projects.

Thanks to the people who responded to a survey, I now have a list of many of the existing groups. You can see the current list of existing groups here or on Facebook here. If you'd like to find out if other people in your areas would like to start a new group with you, start a Discussion Topic under the Discussions tab in the left-hand column on Facebook here. If you've started a group, please do take a second to answer these six quick questions! It's really helpful to have this information.

One important note: it takes work to start a group, and once a group has started, it takes work to keep it going. My three children's literature reading groups are among the lights of my life, but they do require a fair amount of time and energy. (Yes, it's true, I'm in three of these groups.) The thing is, being in this group is so worth the effort. It absolutely is. But it's not effortless. For instance, right now I'm in the middle of an email blizzard as I try to coordinate the next meeting date for one group. It's a bit of a hassle -- but what truly fun thing isn't sometimes a bit of a hassle?

As Samuel Johnson (one of the patron saints of my happiness project) observed: “The production of something, where nothing was before, is an act of greater energy than the expansion or decoration of the thing produced.” And while it takes special energy to start something, it also takes energy to keep something going. Just acknowledging that to myself helps me expend the energy more readily.

Have you found that it takes effort to be in a group? And did the group make you happy, nevertheless? What kinds of groups make you happy?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* I got a kick out of seeing these smiles hidden in everyday scenes.

* Want a free, personalized bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project – or for a friend? Or a signed signature card (if you have an e-book or audio-book)? Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gretchenrubin dot com. ask for as many as you’d like, I'll mail anywhere, and they're free.

8 Tips for Making Friends.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: eight tips for making new friends.

Last week, I posted a list How to make friends -- or at least think about it more clearly. That list sets forth the "essential friendship skills."

But knowing the essential friendship skills isn't the same thing as being able to make friends. And friends are very important to happiness. The more I've studied happiness, in fact, the more convinced I've become that loneliness is a very common and very serious challenge to happiness. I think it's a subject that deserves more attention.

Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree: strong social ties are a key -- arguably the key -- to happiness. You need close, long-term relationships; you need to be able to confide in others; you need to belong; you need to get and give support. Studies show that if you have five or more friends with whom to discuss an important matter you’re far more likely to describe yourself as “very happy.”

Not only does having strong relationships make it far more likely that you take joy in life, but studies show that it also lengthens life (incredibly, even more than stopping smoking), boosts immunity, and cuts the risk of depression.

But making friends can be difficult. Here are some strategies to try, if you’re eager to make friends but finding it tough:

1. Show up. Just as Woody Allen said that “Eighty percent of success is showing up,” a big part of friendship is showing up. Whenever you have the chance to see other people, take it. Go to the party. Stop by someone’s desk. Make the effort. I'm a big believer in the power of online tools like Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ to help sustain relationships, but nothing can replace a face-to-face meeting.

Also, the mere exposure effect describes the fact that repeated exposure makes you like someone better – and makes that person like you better, too. You’re much more likely to become friends with someone if you see him or her often. I’ve seen this happen over and over in my life. I’ve become close to unlikely people, just because circumstances put us in constant contact.

2. Join a group. Being part of a natural group, where you have common interests and are brought together automatically, is the easiest way to make friends: starting a new job, taking a class, having a baby, joining a congregation, or moving to a new neighborhood are great opportunities to join a group. If those situations aren’t an option, try to find a different group to join. Get a dog, for example. Or pursue a hobby more seriously. An added advantage to making friends through a group is that you'll have something obvious in common with these new acquaintances, and you can strengthen your friendships to several people at once -- very helpful if you don't have a lot of free time. Which is important, because for many people, lack of time is a real obstacle to making and sustaining friendships.

3. Form a group. If you can’t find an existing group to join, start a group based around something that interests you. My children's literature reading groups – (yes, now I’ve helped start three of these groups) are among the top joys of my life. Studies show that each common interest between people boosts the chances of a lasting relationship, and also brings about a 2% increase in life satisfaction, but I’m confident that my kidlit groups have given me a lift in life satisfaction much higher than two percent. Movies, wine, cheese, pets, marathon-training, a language, a worthy cause…I know people in all these sorts of groups. You can start a Happiness Project group! (If you want the starter kit, to help launching a group, email me at gretchenrubin1 at gretchenrubin dot com.)

4. Say nice things about other people. It’s a kind way to behave; also, studies show that because of the psychological phenomenon of spontaneous trait transference, people unintentionally transfer to you the traits you ascribe to other people. So if you tell Jean that Pat is arrogant, unconsciously Jean associates that quality with you. On the other hand, if you say that Pat is hilarious, you’ll be linked to that quality.

5. Set a target. This strategy sounds very calculating, but it has really worked for me. When I enter a situation where I meet a new set of people, I set myself the goal of making three new friends. This seems artificial, but somehow, this shift makes me behave differently, it makes me more open to people, it prompts me to make the effort to say more than a perfunctory hello.

6. Make an effort to smile. Big surprise, studies show that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct effect on how friendly you’re perceived to be. In fact, people who can’t smile due to facial paralysis have trouble with relationships. I've been working hard on this myself lately; I've become more solemn over the years, or at least more distracted and tightly wound.

7. Make friends with friends-of-friends. “Triadic closure” is the term for the fact that people tend to befriend the friends of their friends. So friends-of-friends is an excellent place to start if you’re trying to expand your circle.

8. Be aware of cultural differences. On last week's post, a commenter noted that now that she lived in the United States, she missed the kind of easy, drop-by-your-house friendships that she'd had in Australia. She just didn't seem able to make those close friends. But I suspect that friendship intensity isn't the problem, just cultural practice. At least in Kansas City and New York City, the places I know best, even a very close friend wouldn't be likely to drop by your house unannounced -- no matter how those crazy kids behaved on the TV show Friends. So try to be aware of how friendship signals may be different in different places.

What other strategies have you used to help build friendship? And what challenges have you faced? The ones I hear the most are 1) lack of time and 2) new place with no network to draw upon. What about you?

* Yesterday, I tried ineffectually to describe to a friend the brilliance of TV Tropes. It's hard to explain, you just have to check it out yourself. It can also be a little hard to navigate, but stick with it -- it's worth it. For example, start with Characters or Fate and Prophecy, and dig in.

* "Ah, if only I had a Page-a-Day calendar of The Happiness Project book and blog," you may have wistfully thought to yourself, "then I would be happy." Well, guess what! Your dream has come true. Now for sale: the 2012 Page-a-Day calendar of The Happiness Project. Get them while they're still hot off the presses. Buy links and sample pages here.

How To Make Friends – or At Least Think About It More Clearly.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or Quiz Day, or List Day.
This Wednesday: Two lists about making new friends.

I’m a huge fan of Michael Thompson’s book, Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children, so when I noticed that he was a co-author, with Lawrence Cohen and Catherine O’Neill, of Mom, They're Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems, I picked it up right away.

I saw the title of the introduction: “It All Started When She Hit Me Back…” Ah, I recognized that kind of claim! I needed no further persuasion to read the book (though my children, thankfully, have no particular social problems at the moment).

Given the title of the book, it’s no surprise that the authors discuss at some length the subject of friendship and how children learn to make and keep friends, and they include a list of “essential friendship skills.”

As I read this list, I was struck by how it could just as easily be applied to marriage or to work. These are the qualities a person wants to see in a spouse and in co-workers. They’re important in all kinds of circumstances.

According to these authors, the essential friendship skills are:

• The enjoyment of the company of others
• A capacity for reciprocity, turn taking, cooperation, and sharing
• Empathy
• Realistic, generally positive expectations that allow you to approach the world with confidence
• Problem-solving ability
• The ability to regulate aggressive impulses and other emotions
• The ability to read emotions, especially subtle and mixed emotions
• The ability to tolerate frustraton
• The ability to “hold others in mind” [to think lovingly about absent friends]
• Trust that others can and will hold you in mind
• Self-disclosure—the willingness and ability to show vulnerability

The authors go on to list the essential elements of social competence that children need to use at school:

• Emotional regulation
• Turn taking
• Joining a group
• Giving positive attention to others
• Sociability
• Social knowledge [knowing the norms, customs, and references of your subculture]
• Tuning in to social cues [picking up on other people’s emotions and signals]
• Balancing autonomy with relationships

Again, I found myself thinking – marriage! work! family! These skills aren’t just for children, and just for school. I struggle to work on these precise skills, every day of my life.

Making friends can seem like an overwhelmingly complex, tangled subject to broach. It can be difficult to know even how to think about it. For a person who struggles to make and keep friends, or to maintain friendly relations with others, this list gives a helpful breakdown of areas to tackle. If you have trouble making conversation, you could work on your “social knowledge.” If you find yourself getting in a lot of disagreements, you could work on “emotional regulation” and “giving positive attention to others.”

What do you think? Has anything important be omitted from these lists? Do they provide a helpful framework for thinking about friendship?

* I loved scrolling through the beautiful images on Design for Mankind -- "unearthing the internet's treasures since 2006."

* If you're also looking for a good book, please consider The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

6 Tips for Battling Loneliness.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: six tips for battling loneliness.

The more I've learned about happiness, the more I've come to believe that loneliness is a terrible, common, and important obstacle to consider.

A while back, after reading John Cacioppo's fascinating book Loneliness, I posted Some counter-intuitive facts about loneliness, and several people responded by asking, "Okay, but what do I do about it? What steps can I take to feel less lonely?"

I recently finished another fascinating book, Lonely -- a memoir by Emily White, about her own experiences and research into loneliness. White doesn't attempt to give specific advice about how to combat loneliness, but from her book, I gleaned these strategies:

1. Remember that although the distinction can be difficult to draw, loneliness and solitude are different. White observes, "It's entirely reasonable to feel lonely yet still feel as though you need some time to yourself." Loneliness feels draining, distracting, and upsetting; desired solitude feels peaceful, creative, restorative.

2. Nurturing others -- raising children, teaching, caring for animals -- helps to alleviate loneliness.

3. Keep in mind that to avoid loneliness, many people need both a social circle and an intimate attachment. Having one of these elements may still leave you feeling lonely.

4. Work hard to get your sleep. One of the most common indicators of loneliness is broken sleep -- taking a long time to fall asleep, waking frequently, and feeling sleepy during the day. Sleep deprivation, under any circumstances, brings down people's moods, makes them more likely to get sick, and dampens their energy, so it's important to tackle this issue. (Here are some tips on getting good sleep.)

5. Try to figure out what's missing from your life. White observes that making lots of plans with friends didn't alleviate her loneliness. “What I wanted," she writes, "was the quiet presence of another person.” She longed to have someone else just hanging around the house with her. The more clearly you see what's lacking, the more clearly you'll see possible solutions.

6. Take steps to connect with other people (to state the obvious). Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they're big, flashing signs that something needs to change. The pain of loneliness can prod you to connect with other people. Unfortunately, loneliness itself can make people feel more negative, critical, and judgmental. If you recognize that your loneliness may be affecting you in that way, you can take steps to counter it.

Most people have suffered from loneliness at some point. Have you found any good strategies for making yourself less lonely? What worked -- or didn't work?

* My friend Stuart Vance just started a very cool site where he posts his iPhone art: ArrghPtoo!

* If you'd like a free, personalized bookplate for your copy of the print book of The Happiness Project, or if you read an e-book, audiobook, or library book and you'd like a free, personalized signature card (with the Paradoxes of Happiness on the back), email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. Ask for either, or both; feel free to ask for as many as you'd like; I mail them anywhere in the world. But be sure to include your mailing address!

If you've already written to me but haven't received your signature card yet -- I'm sorry. I've had many more requests than I expected, and ran out almost immediately. The new ones should arrive very soon, and then I'll send them out as quickly as possible.

Join or Start a Group. And Please Answer These Six Questions!

I’ve written before about why the resolution to Join or start a group -- any kind of group -- can bring you happiness. I’ve joined or started fourteen groups since I began my happiness project, and they've added tremendously to my happiness.

Many people have started Happiness Project groups, for people meeting to discuss their own happiness projects; they swap ideas, build enthusiasm, and hold each other other accountable for their resolutions -- which is so important for making change. (Think about AA or Weight Watchers.) In fact, here are 9 reasons why starting a Happiness Project group will boost your happiness. It's also true that just the fact of joining a group, whatever the focus might be, brings happiness.

For people who interested in Happiness Project groups, I created a starter kit, to help get the ball rolling. Many thousands of people have requested one. (To receive one yourself, email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com.)

I’m extremely interested in these groups, and have wanted to be able to track and engage with them, and at last, after a few false starts, I think I've figured out how to do that.

If you’re in a Happiness Project group, or starting one, please, take this quick survey -- it’s just six questions and will take you less than a minute -- to provide some basic information.

People often ask me, “How do I find out if there’s a group in my area?” This survey will allow me to put together a complete list, along with contact information for the groups that want to provide that. I'll post the list on my here and on Facebook (but because I don't have information yet, that material isn't yet available.)

If your group is just getting started, fill in what information you can, and write a note in the "Additional comments" section to say that you're still putting it together.

Also, I know that the groups would like to be able to discuss issues among themselves. That discussion will take place here on Facebook.

I’m wildly interested to learn more about the groups! So please do fill out the survey. Thanks! I really appreciate it.

If you want to start a happiness project as a solo project instead of as part of a group, here's some information that might be useful.

* To get the starter kit for launching a happiness project group, email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. And don't forget to take the survey.

Quiz: What's Your Personality Type -- for Play?

Every Wednesday is Tip Day -- or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: Quiz: What's your personality -- for play?

As I've worked on my happiness project, the importance of play has becoming increasingly apparent to me. For a happy life, it's not enough to have an absence of bad feelings -- we also need sources of good feelings.

For many adults, however, it's surprisingly hard to know how to have more fun. If you don't know what to do for fun, a good question to consider is: What did you do for fun when you were ten years old? Because that's probably something you'd enjoy now, whether walking in the woods, playing with your dog, making things with your hands, taking pictures, playing basketball, or dancing around the living room. When I was ten years old, I spent hours copying my favorite quotations into "blank books" and illustrating the passages with pictures I cut from magazines. Exactly what I do on my blog!

Because of my interest in play, I couldn't resist picking up Stuart Brown's Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul.

I was particularly struck by Brown's analysis of the question, "What is your play personality?" He makes clear that these categories aren't scientifically based, but a product of his years of observation.

Where do you fit in these eight personalities?

1. The Joker -- makes people laugh, plays practical jokes.

2. The Kinesthete -- loves to move, dance, swim, play sports.

3. The Explorer -- goes to new places, meets new people, seeks out new experiences (physically or mentally).

4. The Competitor -- loves all forms of competition, has fun keeping score.

5. The Director -- enjoys planning and executing events and experiences, like throwing parties, organizing outings, and leading.

6. The Collector -- loves the thrill of collecting, whether objects or experiences.

7. The Artist/Creator -- finds joy in making things, fixing things, decorating, working with his or her hands.

8. The Storyteller -- loves to use imagination to create and absorb stories, in novels, movies, plays, performances.

What do you think? Does this accurately capture the different worlds of play?

I found it extremely helpful to see these categories, because it made clear some questions that have long mystified me. How is it possible that some people seem positively to enjoy planning big events? Why don't I enjoy having a collection the way so many people do? Why don't I much like playing cards or board games?

I am #8 through and through, with only a bit of #7. How about you? I wonder if some people have strong appreciation for more than a few categories, or if I'm typical, with a strong inclination for a single category.

Do you see yourself in this scheme? What do you do for play, and where does it fit in here?

* I love every visit to Communicatrix -- great material, thought-provoking and funny. And I can't wait to see the Communicatrix herself at the SXSW Interactive conference this weekend.

* It's true, The Happiness Project is out in paperback! Yes, now you can read the #1 New York Times bestseller in paperback.
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

Make People Happier by Acknowledging That They're Not Feeling Happy.

Sometimes, an idea sounds so simple, and so non-controversial, that it takes a while to appreciate how important and helpful it is.

I found this to be true about a happiness-project resolution I made after reading the brilliant parenting book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. In it, the authors Faber and Mazlish suggest acknowledging the reality of other people’s feelings: instead of denying feelings like anger, irritation, fear, or reluctance. articulate the other person’s point of view. In other words, Make people happier by acknowledging that they're not feeling happy.

Sounds easy, right? Wrong. I had no idea how often I contradicted other people’s assertions of their feelings until I tried to quit. “You always have fun when we go.” “You should be thrilled, this is great news.” “It won’t be that much work.”

I had the opportunity to put this resolution into action just yesterday, over a minor issue that could nevertheless have turned into a big pain. We've had a lot of snow here in New York City, and I wanted my younger daughter to wear her snow boots to school, but she wanted to wear sneakers. (Why do children always resist wearing appropriate gear?) I could tell by the warning signs that she was on the brink of getting very riled up. Without this resolution, I would have answered her protests with a stream of contradictions: "The boots aren't uncomfortable," "You've worn them before, and they felt fine," etc. Instead, the conversation went like this:

"I don't want to wear those boots. They don't feel comfortable."
"It's wet and snowy out, so you need to wear the boots, but you'd rather not."
"I don't want to wear the boots."
"You wish you could wear your sneakers."
"I don't want to take my sneakers in a bag, I want to wear them."
"You just don't feel like wearing these boots today! They aren't as comfortable to wear for the long walk to school."

Then she calmly put on the boots. Really.

Experts say that denying bad feelings intensifies them; acknowledging bad feelings allows good feelings to return. That sure seemed to be what happened. Also, on my side, it's much more pleasant to feel calm, agreeable, and understanding.

This principle is just as true for adults. Recently, I undertook a MAJOR household project. Which, I admit, I did with about zero grace – but I did do it. My husband was well aware of my simmering resentment. Just before I was about to start the biggest part of it, he looked around and remarked, “Well, this doesn’t look like it will be too tough.” Wrong thing to say! Probably, he thought he was being comforting or encouraging. Instead, he enraged me. It would have been better to have acknowledged my feelings, by saying something like, “Wow, this looks like a huge job, it’s great that you’re going to do this.” Plus it never hurts to give me some gold stars.

I’ve found, too, that when other people deny or ignore my feelings, I tend to keep repeating myself (i.e., whining), because I think my feelings haven't registered. So, for example, maybe my husband doesn’t want to talk about my irksome problems with my email, and I don’t even particularly feel like talking about it, but until I get my “Wow, that must be so annoying,” I can’t let it go.

Have you found that acknowledging bad feelings allows them to dissipate better?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* The other day, I posted about the resolution to Ask yourself: What did you do for fun when you were 10 years old? On that topic, here's a short news clip about Michael Giacchino -- a spectacular example of someone turning a childhood passion for music and film into a career.

* Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, and each weekday morning, you'll get a happiness quotation in your email in-box. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com (don't forget the "1").

Difficult Questions We Face in Creating a Happy Life.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or Quiz Day, or List Day.
This Wednesday: Difficult questions we face in creating a happy life.

As I think about happiness, and talk to people about their own happiness challenges, certain issues come up over and over. Some arise within a person -- “How do I make myself do something I don’t want to do?” and some arise in a relationship -- “Why won’t you do this task, even if only to make me happy?”

In seeing these questions, it’s tempting to say that some of these questions are “wrong.” For example, the question “Can you make me happy?” But rather than describe how people ought to frame these questions, I’ve tried to characterize them to reflect my sense of how people do frame them.

• How do I balance what makes me happy now with what will make me happy in the long term?
• Should I make myself do something I don’t want to do? And how do I make myself do something that I want to do (but for some reason, am not doing)?
• How can I insulate myself from your constant negativity?
• How do I balance what makes me happy against what makes you happy?
• How can I be happier if you won’t make any changes?
• Is it possible for me to be happy if I grew up in an unhappy family?
• After the terrible thing I’ve suffered, can I find my way back to a happy life?
• Can I make up for lost time?
• Why won’t you do this task, even if only to make me happy? --do I have to do everything myself?
• Can I make you happy? Can you make me happy?
• Do I expect too much? Too little?
• How do I make time for all the things that are important to me?
• If I try to be positive and enthusiastic, does that make me insincere?
• Do I deserve this?
• Why won’t you give me what I need to be happy?
• When should I accept myself, and when should I expect more from myself?
• What if I not only want you to do something, but I want you to want to do it? And to do it without me asking you to do it?
• Why don't you appreciate my honesty?
• Why is it sometimes so hard to do things that I know will make me happy? And to resist doing things I know will bring unhappiness?
• When should I give up on you?
• What if you don’t accept me? What if I don’t accept you?
• How do I make time for myself when I feel overwhelmed by your needs?
• Why am I drawn to you, when I know you’re a hurtful person?
• How is it possible that I simultaneously love and hate you?
• How can I claim my rightful share of attention?
• What’s the most effective way to show you my love?
• How do I take responsibility and make amends for the terrible mistake I made that hurt you?
• How can I forgive you?
• When should I show you tenderness and sympathy, and when should I get tough?
• How can I be happy with this terrible thing hanging over my head?
• How can I escape the unhappiness of the life I now live?

These questions don't have easy answers. There's no book to consult, no Delphic oracle to provide the answers. But sometimes it helps to distill a large issue into a very simple question. I’m sure I’m missing many big questions. What have I overlooked?

* I was charmed by this short video, Found: Lost Pictures of New York Blizzard. The longing for adventure, the desire to do a good deed, the fascination of glimpsing other people's hidden lives -- all mixed together. (Someone told me that it may not be "true," but that doesn't matter much to me in this case.)

* If you'd like a free, personalized bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project -- or as a gift for someone else -- email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. (Don't forget the "1".) Be sure to include your mailing address, feel free to ask for as many as you like, and yes, I'll mail them anywhere in the world.

Ask For a Favor.

Here’s a proposed resolution that might strike you as counter-intuitive: Ask for a favor.

A line often attributed to Benjamin Franklin -- though I can't locate the actual source, so it may be apocryphal -- is "If you want to make a friend, let someone do you a favor.” Whether or not it was Franklin who actually made this suggestion, it's sound advice.

Ask for help, for advice, for suggestions. By doing so, you place yourself under obligation to your favor-givers – which makes them feel kindly toward you. Studies show that for happiness, providing support is just as important as getting support. When people provide support, they feel good about themselves and about you.

And on your side, asking for a favor is a sign of intimacy and trust. The fact that you've asked for a favor shows that you feel comfortable being indebted to someone -- and that suggests a special rapport. I remember a friend at work telling me, “I never liked that guy until he asked to borrow $30. Then I realized he must consider me a friend, and presto! I started liking him.”

So asking, and receiving, a favor generates good feelings on both sides.

Obviously, there are small favors and big favors. You don’t want to ask someone to take care of your dog while you’re on vacation unless that person is already a close friend. But asking for a recommendation for a good dentist isn’t burdensome.

One of my most helpful Secrets of Adulthood is “It’s okay to ask for help.” Asking for help is a very useful way of asking for a favor. I’m absolutely mystified by asking for help is so hard for me. So often, I can just solve a problem by asking for help -- which is almost always freely and cheerfully given.

Happiness paradoxes: It can be selfless to be selfish, and you can be generous by taking.

Have you ever been in a situation where asking for a favor helped you draw closer to someone?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* Lots of interesting, fun material on Gimundo -- "good news...served daily."

* If you'd like to volunteer as a Super-Fan, from time to time, I'll ask for your help. Nothing onerous, I promise! Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. Just write "super-fan" in the subject line, and I'll add you to the list.

13 Tips for Sticking to Your New Year's Resolutions.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 13 tips for sticking to your New Year’s resolutions.

New Year’s Eve is just a few weeks away, and that means it’s the season for resolutions. I’ve always been part of the some 44% of Americans who make (and also break) New Year’s resolutions; I’m a big believer in the power of small changes to make us happier.

Along the way, and especially since I started my resolutions-based happiness project, I’ve hit on some strategies for helping myself stick to resolutions.

1. Be specific. Don’t resolve to “Make more friends” or “Strengthen friendships”; that’s too vague. To make more friends as part of my happiness project, I have several very concrete resolutions like: “Start a group,” “Say hello,” “Make plans,” “Show up,” and “No gossip.”

2. Write it down.

3. Review your resolution constantly. If your resolution is buzzing through your head, it’s easier to stick to it. I review my Resolutions Chart every night.

4. Hold yourself accountable. Tell other people about your resolution, join or form a like-minded group, score yourself on a chart (my method) -- whatever works for you to make yourself feel accountable for success and failure. (If you want to see my Resolutions Chart, as inspired by Benjamin Franklin, email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com.)

5. Think big. Maybe you need a big change, a big adventure – a trip to a foreign place, a break-up, a move, a new job. Let yourself imagine anything, and plan from there.

6. Think small. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that only radical change can make a difference. Just keeping your fridge cleared out could give you a real boost. Look close to home for ways to improve and grow.

7. Ask for help. Why is this so hard? But every time I ask for help, I’m amazed at how much easier my task becomes.

If you have an especially tough time keeping resolutions, if you have a pattern of making and breaking them, try these strategies:

8. Consider making only pleasant resolutions. We can make our lives happier in many ways. If you're struggling to keep your resolutions, try resolving to “Go to more movies,” "Find more time to read," or whatever resolutions you’d find fun to keep. Often, having more fun in our lives makes it easier to do tough things. Seeing more movies might make it easier to keep going to the gym.

9. Consider giving up a resolution. If you keep making and breaking a resolution, consider whether you should relinquish it entirely. Put your energy toward changes that are both realistic and helpful. Don't let an unfulfilled resolution to lose twenty pounds or to overhaul your overgrown yard block you from making other, smaller resolutions that might give you a big happiness boost.

10. Keep your resolution every day. Weirdly, it’s often easier to do something every day (exercise, post to a blog, deal with the mail, do laundry) than every few days.

11. Set a deadline.

12. Don’t give up if something interferes with your deadline.

13. “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” Thank you, Voltaire. Instead of starting your new exercise routine by training for the marathon, aim for a 20-minute walk each day. Instead of cleaning out the attic, tackle one bureau drawer. If you break your resolution today, try again tomorrow.

What else? What are some strategies you've discovered, to help you stick to your New Year's resolutions?

If you're getting geared up to do some happiness resolutions next month, to make 2011 a happier year, join the 2011 Happiness Challenge! I'm still working on the sign-up page; stay tuned.

* The bluebird is a symbol of happiness, so it's one of my auspicious symbols. A thoughtful reader sent me a link to this fabulous display of Tiffany & Co.'s holiday windows, with bluebird.

* Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, and each weekday morning, you'll get a happiness quotation in your email inbox. Sign up here or email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. I've thrilled by the response to this -- I started it just a few weeks ago, and almost nine thousand people have signed up already.