The Happiness Project

How to Make Friends and Have Fun.

One of my happiness-project resolutions is Join or start a group. I can’t begin to measure how much happiness I’ve received from starting my two children’s literature reading groups (yes, now I belong to two of these groups, because the first one got so big we stopped accepting new people). If you’re trying to find more happiness in life, being part of a group helps you make new friends, deepen existing friendships, and have fun – all factors that will make you happier. Also, it can be a source of an atmosphere of growth in your life, also key for happiness.

If you want to start a group, a common passion is a great organizing principle: French movies, gardening, learning Italian, training for a marathon, etc. But what if you don’t have a specific passion that lends itself to a group activity? What’s another way to form a group?

A reader, Jeff, wrote me with a great idea. He’s starting a club, The Magnificent Secret Science Club, all about conversation – with the idea that people are increasingly connecting through technology, but they still need and want a way to meet face-to-face.

Jeff has organized people to meet regularly in a bar for conversation. At each meeting, he’ll open with three questions for discussion, and then everyone can talk to each other.

This group meets in Minneapolis, so how do I know about it? Because he asked me for some discussion questions about happiness.

I tried to think of questions that would generate real debate and self-disclosure (self-disclosure is a great way to build trust and friendship). I suggested:

1. What’s the relationship between money and happiness?
2. What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
3. Is it selfish to work on being happier?
4. Is there a quotation, a book, or a scene from a movie that you’ve found particularly compelling?
5. If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
6. Have you noticed people with habits that regularly detract from their happiness? Or boost their happiness?

In fact...it strikes me that a great organizing principle for a group would be HAPPINESS! Everyone has strong views and experiences to share. If people got together to talk about their happiness projects, they could swap ideas, build enthusiasm, and hold themselves accountable – and have fun with friends at the same time. How great would it be to see happiness meet-ups popping up across the country? Boy, if people want to start happiness-project groups, I'd create some kind of kit to help them get the ball rolling. If you think you’d be interested in starting something like that, drop me a note at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com]. (Sorry to write in that weird way -- trying to thwart spammers.)

I know some of you are wincing at this idea -- yes, I know you're scoffing! Oh well, it's not for everyone. Have you formed a group? What organizing principle did you use?

* I always enjoy checking out The Art of Non-Conformity. Great stuff there – and very original presentation.

Why Facebook Can Make You Happier.

Younger people don't say this, but I’ve heard several people in an older age bracket make a similar argument recently: Facebook isn’t good for people’s happiness. “Instead of making plans and meeting face to face and doing things," one guy told me, “everyone’s typing away in front of a screen, alone. It’s terrible for human relationships.”

I disagree. True, meeting face to face is more energizing, more fun, and strengthens ties better. But not using Facebook because it isn’t as good as meeting in person is an example of letting the perfect be the enemy of the good.

In my own experience, Facebook allows me to manage ties to a much larger group of people than I could possibly manage in a more direct way. It makes it practical to keep track of people through many changes of email, address, etc. It gives me a quick way to reach out to friends, and also a low-key way to connect with people whom I wouldn’t feel comfortable calling or even emailing. And I'm sure not going to write a letter!

Perfect example: This morning I had coffee with a friend, “Jane,” whom I hadn’t seen in many years. We met when, a year after college, I moved to San Francisco for ten months and lived with my college roommate, who was dating a guy who had a bunch of friends from college, including Jane -- we all spent a lot of time together.

After I left San Francisco, I moved to New Haven, then to New York City, then to Washington, D.C., then back to New York. Jane moved from San Francisco to Cambridge, then to New York City, then to Kampala, then to Boston, then to Nairobi, then back to New York City.

I always liked Jane a lot, but she wasn’t one of my closest friends, and I lost track of her. (As she told me, "You lose five people with every move.") Recently she found me on Facebook, and we re-connected -- tremendously fun and big happiness booster. It turns out we live thirteen blocks from each other!

Everyone from ancient philosophers to contemporary researchers agrees that the KEY to happiness is strong ties to other people. We need need close, long-term relationships, we need to be able to confide in others, we need to belong, we need to give and receive support. Studies show that if you have five or more friends with whom to discuss an important matter you’re far more likely to describe yourself as “very happy.” If a mid-life crisis hits, one of the most common complaints is the lack of true friends.

Anything that helps you hang onto your friends is going to make you happier.

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Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

This Wednesday: Eight psychological terms to help you strengthen your friendships.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight psychological terms to help you strengthen your friendships.

Ancient philosophers and modern scientists agree: the most essential key to happiness is strong relationships with other people.

We all have many kind of relationships that contribute to our happiness, and one of the most important is our friendships. My happiness-project resolutions aimed at friendship include “Cut people slack,” “Show up,” “Make three friends,” “Bring people together,” “Remember birthdays,” “No gossip,” and “Say hello.”

Here are eight psychological terms and principles that I’ve found helpful as I’ve been trying to build and strengthen my friendships.

1. Triadic closure. In a phenomenon called “triadic closure,” people tend to befriend the friends of their friends – and this is very satisfying. Friendships thrive on inter-connection, and it’s both energizing and comforting to feel that you’re building not just friendships, but a social network. I now make much more of an effort to help my friends become friends with each other, and to befriend friends’ friends. (Total non sequitur: “befriend friends’ friends” is quite a phrase! Bad writing, but I couldn’t resist.)

2. Emotional contagion. “Emotional contagion” is a strong psychological effect in which we “catch” the happy, sad, or angry moods of others. Someone in a happy, energetic mood will help boost the moods of others, and obviously, this creates a very pleasant atmosphere. Unfortunately, negative moods are more contagious than positive moods; if I’m crabby, I can trigger a wave of crabbiness in my friends. I’m trying to do a better job of living up to my duty to be happy.

3. The mere exposure effect. Familiarity breeds affection. The "mere exposure effect" describes the fact that repeated exposure makes people like music, faces -- even nonsense syllables -- better. Because of the "exposure principle," the more often a person sees another person, the more intelligent and attractive that person will be ranked. So I try to put myself in situations where I’m going to see a lot of the same people over and over.

4. Fundamental attribution error. The fundamental attribution error is a psychological phenomenon in which we tend to view other people’s actions as reflections of their characters, and to overlook the power of the situation to influence their action. In other words, we over-emphasize the role that personality plays in shaping others’ behavior, and under-emphasize the role of outside forces. I assume that the guy in the drugstore is an inconsiderate jerk because he rushed ahead of me to get to the counter, when in fact, he’s very considerate, and he’s rushing to get home with the medicine for his sick girlfriend.

5. Warmth. Attraction is reciprocal; we tend to like people more when we think the like us. So if I’m friendly and openly pleased to see someone person, that person is more likely to feel friendly toward me. Instead of playing it cool, I try to show a lot of warmth.

6. Smiling. As obvious as it seems, studies do show that we’re perceived as more friendly when we smile more (it also helps to have an expressive face, to nod, to lean forward, to have a warm tone). The sheer amount of time smiling makes a very big difference on perceived friendliness.

7. Subliminal touching. Studies show that subliminal touching – that is, touching touching a person so unobtrusively that it’s not noticed – dramatically increases that person’s sense of well-being and positive feelings toward the toucher. And vice versa. This fleeting touching might be something like touching a person’s back as you walk through a door, or touching his or her arm for emphasis.

8. Situation evocation. In situation evocation, we spark a response from people that reinforces a tendency we already have — for example, if I act irritable all the time, the people around me are probably going to treat me with less patience and helpfulness, which will, in turn, stoke my irritability. If I can manage to joke around, I’ll evoke a situation in which the people around me were more likely to joke around, too. In other words, I make my own weather.

As with many aspects of happiness, people often assume that friendship should flow easily and naturally, and that trying to "work" on it is forced and inauthentic. But in the bustle of everyday life, it's easy to forget to take time for our real priorities. Since I've started trying to keep my happiness-project resolutions, I've found that my friendships have expanded and deepened. It's worth the effort.

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A while back, I posted about getting my "Style Statement" with Carrie McCarthy and Danielle LaPorte. Now they have a book, Style Statement: Live By Your Own Design, and I just got my copy.

The “style statement” is a two-word phrase that sums up your personal style. It’s descriptive, but also prescriptive, because it not only describes you, it’s meant to help you think about your decisions and actions with more insight into what makes you happy. The first word in the phrase describes your dominant style, and the second word, the individual edge – in an 80/20 balance. For example, I’m “Constructive Insouciant.”

The book helps you figure out your own “style statement” and, knowing that, to think about how you might bring your life into better alignment with your style. Thinking about being “Constructive Insouciant” has given me real insight into certain decisions I’ve made.

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If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.