“Familiarity does not breed contempt. On the contrary the more familiar it is the more rare and beautiful it is. Take the quarter in which one lives, it is lovely, it is a place rare and beautiful and to leave it is awful.”
-- Gertrude Stein, Paris France
* Join the happiness conversation on Facebook and on Twitter (@gretchenrubin).
Early in his career, artist Alberto Giacometti moved into a Paris studio that measured only about sixteen feet square. He didn't expect this to be a permanent situation, but he stayed for the next thirty-eight years. "The longer I stayed," he said, "the larger it grew."
-- Alberto Giacometti, Giacometti: A Biography
* I enjoy reading Jonah Lehrer's blog, Frontal Cortex. Great stuff.
* Join the discussion on the Facebook Page and on Twitter (@gretchenrubin).
2012 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2012 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2012 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! Each week in a video, my friend Maria poses a question about some Pigeon of Discontent raised by a blog reader. Because, as much as we try to find the Bluebird of Happiness, we're also plagued by the Pigeons of Discontent.
This week's Pigeon of Discontent, suggested by a reader, is: "I feel discouraged by my messy house."
If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
10 steps to beat clutter...in less than 5 minutes.
Need a simple way to get your life under control? Try the "one-minute rule."
Fighting clutter? Go shelf by shelf.
How about you? Have you found any simple strategies for staying on top of the mess at home, at work, in the car...?
I hope you enjoy the new format. It's still evolving, so bear with me while it's taking shape.
You can post your own Pigeon of Discontent at any time; also, from time to time, I'll make a special call for suggestions.
If you're new, jump in right now, sign up here. Studies suggest that by taking action, like signing up for this challenge, will help you keep your resolutions. For the 2012 Challenge, each week I'll post a video for you to consider, and you can check out the archives of videos here.
* I'm a huge fan of the work of Jacqueline Schmidt, an artist who makes many things--in particular, I love her shadow boxes. I was thrilled to see her work featured in the Wall Street Journal over the weekend. I love all things miniature: shadow boxes, dioramas, terrariums, bonsai, maquettes.* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:
-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, “Email me for new uploads.” Or...
-- Go to your main drop-down box, click “Subscriptions,” find the GretchenRubin channel, click “Edit Subscriptions,” and check “Email me for new uploads” there.
To get the audio podcast of the video:
-- Log in to iTunes
-- Go to “Podcasts”
-- Search for “The Happiness Project.” Free, of course.
"There are no chains of houses; there are no crowds of men…Each of these houses stands in the centre of the world. There is no single house of all those millions which has not seemed to some one at some time the heart of all things and the end of travel."
-- G. K. Chesterton, Twelve Types
* I was thrilled to read about the two bloggers of Chronically Distracted who are doing their own happiness projects together, and writing about it. I can't wait to hear about their experiences in 2012.
* Want a happiness quote in your email inbox every morning? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.
“If you want a golden rule that will fit everybody, this is it: Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”
-- William Morris, "The Beauty of Life"
* I'm thrilled to contribute to Quarterly—"a subscription service for wonderful things." If you subscribe to Quarterly, every three months (quarterly), you get a present in the mail chosen from the person to whom you subscribe. So please consider signing up for my curated gifts! You can also give a Quarterly subscription as a gift, tons of fun (and easy).
“It is well to have some water in your neighborhood, to give buoyancy to and float the earth.”
-- Henry David Thoreau, Walden
* I really enjoyed looking around on Crooked House.
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In crime-fighting, the "broken windows theory" holds that signs of vandalism and petty crime foster more crime and anti-social behavior; fix problems like broken windows, graffiti, or trash when they're small, and people will behave better and remain in their neighborhoods.
This theory is controversial, but whether or not it's true in a municipal context, I've been trying to apply it in my own home, by trying to do a better job of fixing small things right away.
Just yesterday, a light bulb burned out in my office. My instinct would be to put up with this for weeks, while half-heartedly reminding myself to replace the bulb, to little effect; instead, this morning, I marched myself over to the closet where we keep light-bulbs, grabbed one, and swapped them out.
This issue is familiar to me. In college, my roommate and I would joke about the fact that we were the kind of people who, when some very necessary light-bulb in the living room burned out, would just resignedly say to each other, "Oh, well, now we have to learn to live without that light-bulb." It took us forever to take care of those kinds of tasks.
This morning, I got a ridiculous sense of accomplishment from this small act. And now it's done, and won't consume any more precious mental energy.
I find that when the little things in my home are out of order, I feel restless, anxious, and overwhelmed. When I take care of the little things, I feel more ready to tackle the large things.
How about you? Do you find that taking care of seemingly inconsequential tasks makes you feel happier and calmer? Am I the only one who has this strange resistance to light-bulb replacement?
I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
* I'm thrilled to contribute to Quarterly—"a subscription service for wonderful things." If you subscribe to Quarterly, every three months (quarterly), you get a present in the mail chosen from the person to whom you subscribe. So please consider signing up for my curated gift! You can also give a Quarterly subscription as a gift, tons of fun (and easy).
* Want a free, personalized bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project—or for a friend? Or a signed signature card (if you have an e-book or audio-book)? Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.
Assay: In a novel, a mark of greatness is that a reader can return, over and over, and find something new. I've read Anna Karenina four times, and each time, it has been a different experience. As I am able to bring more to the novel, I take more from it.
This is a mark of greatness even in children's books. You might think that a book written for children would be so simple that it couldn't provide that depth of experience, but that's not true at all.
For instance, over the weekend, I re-read Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little Town on the Prairie. And although I've read that book dozens of times, I loved it just as much as ever, and appreciated it in new ways, yet again.
For instance, I was struck by a line that I'd never particularly noticed before. The awful Miss Wilder has just sent Laura and Carrie home from school -- a terrible disgrace. As they're walking home to tell their parents what happened, Laura tells Carrie that she's not sorry for the way she behaved, because it was all Miss Wilder's fault. The narrative continues:
"Carrie did not care whose fault it was. There is no comfort anywhere for anyone who dreads to go home."
I've been thinking so much about home lately -- the idea of home, the reality of home -- that this one line hit me with particular force. People's idea of "home" may be very different, but home is one of the keys to happiness.
That's why it seems to me that the effort to make home more homey is so worthwhile. Have you found any good strategies to help ensure that your home is welcoming, so you don't dread going home, but look forward to going home?
* I loved cruising around Inchmark. I wish my daughters' school had "Crazy Hair Day." Maybe we'll do a home version.
* Yes, my next book is about happiness and home, with the surprising title of...Happier at Home. If you'd like to be notified when it's available, sign up here.
I've been preoccupied with the subject of home for a long time now, as I've been working away on my next book, Happier At Home.
So, naturally, I couldn't wait to get my hands on Deborah Needleman's new book, The Perfectly Imperfect Home: How to Decorate and Live Well. Deborah, now editor-in-chief at WSJ. Magazine and creator of the Wall Street Journal's "Off Duty" section, was also one of the founding editors of the famous home style magazine, Domino, so it's no surprise that the book is crammed with ideas about making your home more beautiful.
But the parts that I appreciated even more were about how to make your home more comfortable, more serene, and more cozy. Or, as Gertrude Stein might have said, exciting and peaceful.
The book is full of beautiful hand-drawn illustrations and helpful, realistic ideas (plus lots of quotations, which I always love). Some of my favorites:
-- the importance of "jollifiers"
-- include "something unexpected" -- like a giant urn, or a painting hung where it doesn't belong
-- my favorite: "a bit of ugly." "This might sound counter-intuitive, but to create a beautiful home, you need a bit of ugly."
I knew Deborah was as interested in happiness and home as much as I was, though through a different lens, so I was very eager to talk to her.
Gretchen: What's a simple activity that makes you happier?
Deborah: Staying in evenings with my family. (But like all good things if you did them all the time, they wouldn’t be as special or nice.) Children are very useful for shaking you out of yourself. It’s hilarious and wonderful watching their brains develop in front of you.
What’s something you know about happiness that you didn’t know at 18?
I know how to look after my own happiness, because I know myself better--what I like, and what I don’t. It is such a fantastic relief to no longer bother about those things in life that don’t make me happy, whether that’s certain people or situations or places. I avoid them without the slightest pangs of guilt, or if I feel I need to be in a situation or around someone that doesn’t make me happy, I am very aware that I am willingly do it for someone else’s happiness.
I also understand my own shortcomings, and while I wish I didn’t have them, it makes me happy to finally know how to deal with them. For instance I have learned over the years that I’m happiest if I don’t go out two nights in a row—that I just start to fall apart when I’m out in the world too much, without recovery time. When I am putting out socially, or on behalf of my job, I need an almost equal amount of time to recompose myself. (It always makes me think of Newton’s law that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.)
I imagine myself like ball of string, and going out into the world unravels the string, and then I need time to wrap the string back around the ball. Otherwise I keep unraveling and end up as just a mess of string, rather than something solid. I wish I didn’t need life recovery time or so much sleep or that I were more competent in certain areas in which I am hopelessly deficient, but it’s such a lovely relief to know and to accept these things and deal with yourself as you are. Phew.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
I get blue if I haven’t been around trees and air and sky for a while. I feel really lucky to have a life in the city and a place in the country that puts me back together humpty-dumpty style. Gardening is the first thing I was ever passionate about. I love it because it is beautiful and a largely futile battle against time, weather, disease and animals. But there’s nothing like a bunch of flowers from your own garden. I am also a failure, but a completely devoted vegetable gardener, and my lettuces and veg rarely taste as good as the ones from the farmers market, but they’re mine dammit.
Pathetically and unfortunately for me, if I’m feeling blue, I let myself believe that I deserve whatever food I want. Then of course after you’ve stuffed your face with shit food you most definitely have not stopped the blues. I have never been able to learn to act on the fact that I know I will regret it later. I am hopeless failure when it comes to those idiotic ricocheting thoughts: I want it, I regret it, I promise not to do it again, I want it, I regret it…etc. That is the most boring soundtrack, played most often in my head.
Do you work on being happier?
On a philosophical level I have always sought happiness above all else. I have not sought money or success or a career or a certain type of life, I have sought only happiness. I did not grow up having ambition or desire to do or be anything, nor did I have any particular skills or talents or passions. I had a hard time projecting myself into the future or imagining or desiring anything for the future. I just simply sought happiness. I sound so Zen, when in fact I was just bored, apathetic and not terribly self-confident, but I did think happiness was the end game: finding it and giving it.
Now I am ambitious, but even still, I’m ambitious to be the best I can, make good things, not to reach any level or tick off any box. When Conde Nast closed the magazine I started, I didn’t spend a minute being sad about losing my connection to that institution or any of the lovely benefits of being an editor there. I was heartbroken as a boss, over the demise of a product and a brand we spent a great deal of energy building, but I also knew I was lucky to have ever had the chance to create it all.
I just remember the next day walking down the street thinking that now I have my freedom, to walk around on a beautiful day, and to have another chapter in my life. It was like a gift. (Granted, I had severance pay defray other worries.)
I think you always have to be ready to have those things taken from you. I like always having a back-up plan ready, an escape plan. Even if it’s just a total fantasy. I need to know my freedom is mine always.
That is not the case for things that are core to my life: my husband and children. I can’t imagine the severing of those connections, even though that is sadly always possible.
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t or vice versa?
I don’t know if it’s a game of low expectations I started playing when I was young and had slim prospects, but I don’t ever expect anything to make me happy, and then I am just surprised and happy when it does. But how can you expect anything to make you happy? A child, a husband, a job, a house? Really the second you expect happiness you’ve destroyed something in your relationship to that thing. My husband made me happy so I married him. I didn’t expect marriage would make me happy. Why would anyone think marriage would make them happy? We wanted to have children, but I didn’t have them so they could make me happy or because I expected they would. That would be unfair to them. And how can you expect a job to make you happy? You can hope of course, and if it does, great. Happiness comes if you’re open to it. It’s not hiding behind things. “I’ll be happy when…” “I’ll be happy if…” That is a flaw in one’s logic. Not to go all deep, but isn’t love the only thing we can expect to make us happy?
* I was thrilled to be asked to contribute to Quarterly -- "a subscription service for wonderful things." If you subscribe to Quarterly, every three months (quarterly), you get a present in the mail; you subscribe to a certain person's choices. Check it out!
* Join the happiness conversation on Twitter (@gretchenrubin) or on the Facebook Page.
One of my Secrets of Adulthood is: What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while. I’ve been surprised how often this “secret” comes in handy.
Exercising -- I have a friend who thinks she’s a regular exerciser because every several weeks, she goes to the gym for two hours. Nope!
Having enough time to read -- I used to think, "I love to read, it's my favorite thing to do! Of course I make time to read." But when I really examined my schedule, I realized I needed to clear out more time to read; day after day, it was getting shoved aside.
In his fascinating book, House Lust, Daniel McGinn notes that market researchers use the term maximum-use imperative to describe the fact that people will often buy something to accommodate a use that they need only rarely. So, for example, you might look for a house, or a dining room table, that’s big enough to seat your entire family when it’s your turn to host Christmas dinner, even though you have a family of four that’s dwarfed by that size.
Along the same lines, I’ve noticed that when making decisions, I tend to give too much thought to what I do once in a while and not enough weight to what I do every day. For example, I wear running shoes 29 days out of 30 days a month, yet I have three pairs of black flats and only one pair of running shoes.
Why does this matter for happiness? Because we’re happiest when our decisions most closely match our natures and our values.
If I splurge on linen cocktail napkins, but never have cocktail parties, I'm not going to be pleased with my purchase. If I tell myself I eat lots of fruits and vegetables, but actually eat lots of pizza and subs, I'm not going to fostering good health. If I insist that I love skiing, when in fact, I love staying inside reading, I'm not going to enjoy the vacation.
It can be hard to be myself, to acknowledge what I really enjoy -- it can be easy to let lofty fantasies get in the way. Again, I ask, why is it so tough to Be Gretchen?
If I pretend to myself that I’m different from the way I truly am, I’m going to make choices that won’t make me happy.
* I'm a huge fan of the work of Bob Sutton, and always enjoy reading his blog Work Matters -- "about all things related to management, workplaces, and organizations."
* Would you like a copy of my Resolution Chart, for inspiration? The last page is blank, so you can use it as a template for yourself. Just email me at email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.
Gretchen Rubin is the best-selling writer whose book, The Happiness Project, is the account of the year she spent test-driving studies and theories about how to be happier. Here, she shares her insights to help you create your own happiness project.
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