The Happiness Project

"There's Nothing Like The Comfort Of My Bed To Restore Me To My Happiness."

Happiness interview: Agapi Stassinopoulos.

Through a mutual friend, I e-met Agapi Stassinopoulos. She has a new book that's just hitting the bookstores, Unbinding the Heart. She grapples with the question of how we can "unbind our hearts" better to experience playfulness, connection, self-expression, and joy. Clearly happiness is at the heart of this challenge.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Agapi: Getting together with the people I care for and having an intimate time, where we lovingly share and listen to each other in a safe haven, recharges me and fills my heart. It beats any good therapist! After all, it’s a Greek tradition that around the kitchen table, through food, laughter, and a little bit of wine, all sorts of problems can get resolved. Your heart gets nurtured and your spirit gets lifted.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Now I know that my happiness is generated from inside myself. My happiness is not dependent on what I get from the outside world, but more about what I can bring to the world.  

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
The two main things that get most in my way of happiness are worrying and pressure. Sometimes, I start to worry about the outcome of things, rather than projecting positively into the future, and finding happiness in the present. It’s a terrible habit that I catch myself doing, and I try to course correct the moment I recognize it. Other times, I pressure myself to do more, to be more…It’s the “more” obsession. There is only one remedy, which is to call myself back into the present and to be grateful.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (E.g., I remind myself, “No calculation.”) Or a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
My mantra is “I am fully present with myself wherever I am.” Like my mother used to say, “give your full attention to whatever it is you are doing.”

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
I light some candles, get cozy in bed with my favorite comforter. I read anything I want to, listen to audio books or spiritual seminars, talk to my friends on the phone, or watch movies. There’s nothing like the comfort of my bed and my fluffy pillows to restore me to my happiness.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness? 
I think what detracts from a lot of people’s happiness is that they separate from each other and shut down, instead of opening up and embracing each other.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
My remedy for my happiness is to listen to myself. If I’m too tired, I put myself to bed. If I’m hungry, I make sure I eat the things that are nurturing for me. If somebody I am talking to is depleting my energy, I stay away from that person. I try to keep the people who are nurturing and uplifting close to me. I freely express feelings and do not censor myself. Definitely sharing the joy and the light randomly with people brings me a lot of happiness. All these are factors that contribute to a high level of taking care of myself, so I can then contribute more to other people’s happiness. Attending to myself is something that I have worked hard at over time to make into a positive habit. 

* I had fun checking out the site Yasiv. You enter the name of a book in the Search bar at the top, and the site generates results based on Amazon's "also bought" feature.

* Are you reading The Happiness Project in your book group? Email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com if you'd like the 1-page discussion guide. Or if you're reading it in your spirituality book group, Bible study group, or the like, email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com for the 1-page spirituality discussion guide.

"Everyone Shines, Given The Right Lighting."

Happiness interview: Susan Cain.

I'm so excited for my friend Susan Cain. Her terrific new book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, just came out two days ago, and already it has been the subject of a huge amount of buzz, discussion, and debate. Susan shines a powerful spotlight on a fascinating aspect of human character: the power of introverts. The book is an absolutely compelling read—full of research and insight interesting to introverts and extroverts alike.

I knew Susan had done a lot of thinking about the relationship of introversion, extroversion, and happiness, and also about her own happiness, so I was very interested to hear what she had to say.

What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Writing. I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was four years old. But as a grown-up, I trained myself to love my work by doing all my writing in a sunny café window while sipping on a latte and snacking on chocolate. Over time, I came to associate writing with the pleasures of that window seat. These days, I don’t need the coffee or chocolate, or even the café—though they still help! But I love the feeling of entering into my inner world. It’s like going through a magic portal every time I sit at my laptop.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Everyone shines, given the right lighting. For some it’s a Broadway stage, for others a lamplit desk. For me (as for many introverts!) it’s definitely the latter.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
The book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by the great psychologist Mihaly Csizszentmihalyi. He talks about how one of the highest states of being is when you’re totally engaged in an activity—from exercise to painting to a conversation with your four-year-old—and you’re operating in the sublime channel between boredom and anxiety. I think about that all the time, and try to live in a state of flow as often as possible.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I try to appreciate small, Life is Beautiful moments, and savor them. As I write this, I hear the rain on my rooftop and the wind in the trees. It’s a gorgeous, peaceful sound, and I feel lucky just to listen to it. I also try not to let a day go by without feeling grateful for my family and my writing life—the two things I’ve always wanted most in the world.

What is your most surprising way of feeling happy?
Recently I’ve been thinking about a state I call the “happiness of melancholy.” Why do supposedly sad things, like minor key music or the evanescence of cherry blossoms, make us happy? I think they help us appreciate the fragile beauty of life and love.

 

* A great site to explore is Lifehacker. There's a lot there.

* Would you like a free, signed bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project, or for a gift? Or, for the audio-book or the e-book, a free signature card? Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Happiness: "You Bring Your Own Weather To The Picnic."

Happiness interview: Harlan Coben.

How did I first make the acquaintance of Harlan Coben? His brother and I went to college together, somehow Harlan and I struck up a conversation by email...it's lost in the sands of time. Harlan is the spectacularly successful author of many #1 bestselling, prize-winning mystery novels and thrillers, one of which was also turned into a movie.

He's a gifted writer and a very thoughtful person, so I was curious to hear what he had to say about happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Harlan: Writing. I know that sounds a tad hackneyed and sometimes I don’t even like writing, but it makes me happy. Yes, that’s a contradiction, so let me quote either Dorothy Parker or Oscar Madison: “I don’t like writing—I like having written.” In short, the satisfaction of creating, not necessarily the process, always lifts my heart.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
It’s all about balance.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Yes. At the risk of making people click off this website, the Internet is often a waste of time that leaves me feeling drained and unhappy. Again it’s about balance—you’ll see a theme here. Some time online or texting or playing with social media is fine and probably healthy—but not a lot. Think about those times you are forced to unplug. You’re happier, right?

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “There is only love.”)
I have two mantras.

One I’ve already typed twice before: “It’s all about balance.” Family, writing, health, friends, surfing the web—whatever. They all need to be in balance. If I’m not writing well, I’m not happy. If I’m not spending enough time with my family, I’m not happy. If I’m not connecting to friends or if I don’t work out enough…. You get the point. Everything has to be balanced. Nothing should be an extreme.

My second mantra is more basic: “You bring your own weather to the picnic.” My kids roll their eyes at this one, but there is no question that attitude can go a long way.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
It varies. I’ve never found much comfort, for example, in materialism or shopping. It always feels like a temporary boost, followed by some kind of crash. But I still participate. Mostly I find solace in renewing connections and in writing. Those are real. I try to stress to my children that buying something never leads to true happiness.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Envy, of course. I see a lot of it in my profession. One of my favorite mantras is: “No one has to fail so I can succeed.” Enjoy your friends’ successes—and your own.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
That’s a good question. I don’t know. I just turned 50. I don’t look back much. I like where I am and so I don’t want to risk going back and changing things and then, well, where would I be? Even the mistakes led me here. I’m always, for better or worse, looking forward.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I think consciously or subconsciously we are always fine-turning our happiness quotient. In my case, as I’ve already said, it’s about balance and connecting. Happiness is a bit like owning a car. Most times it just needs gas and maybe an oil change, but then every, say, six months, when I feel the need for more of an overhaul, I will read a book like, well, The Happiness Project. [Awww, thanks Harlan!] To slip out of this rather lame mixed metaphor, I may already know the information, but a reminder is a good thing.

I also derive a great deal of pleasure out of making other people happy. Yes, I know how self-serving that sounds, but it could, in fact, be pretty damn selfish. I love, for example, when readers tells me that my book made them happy—but is that about them or me or is there a “happiness cusp” between those two? I don’t know, but it might be worth exploring. It certainly sounds win-win.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t—or vice versa?
Not really. In the end, we know what makes us happy. We also know what makes us unhappy. That’s the irony. We know and yet we still mess it up. That’s part of the human condition, no, and why we need to work on it.

* Join the happiness conversation on Facebook and Twitter (@gretchenrubin).

"My Focus? The Overlap Between Things I Can Control and Things That Matter."

Happiness interview: Carl Richards.

I initially got to know Carl Richards's work because he and I share the same literary agent, which creates a fellow-feeling akin to having gone to the the same high school. I was very interested in his writing (and drawing), because he often addresses the connection between happiness and money, which is one of the most complicated and emotionally charged subjects within happiness.

One thing I particularly admire about Carl is his ability to sum up large issues in simple, powerful sketches. Seeing a problem that feels very complicated distilled into a napkin-sized drawing helps me understand the essentials.

His book, The Behavior Gap: Simple Ways to Stop Doing Dumb Things with Money, has just hit the shelves. It's about the "behavior gap"—the distance between what we should do and what we actually do.

I was very interested to hear his thoughts about happiness.

Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Carl: Getting outside! I live in the mountains of Utah and have found that every single time I get myself out on my mountain bike or skis it makes me happy. Of course, it’s often even better when done with family or friends, but even alone…it works. What’s wild is that despite knowing this is true, it’s often hard to get myself out. There are always other things that seem urgent, but most of the time there is nothing more important.

What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?
I used to think that the way to find happiness was to search for it. I’m starting to believe that the key to happiness is to get myself to a place where I stop looking for it. It seems that being happy is really a function of being present. Here. Now. Like you say, on that bus with your daughter.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Because I spend a huge amount of my time thinking about it (it’s my job!), I often find myself feeling regret for past mistakes or worrying about the future. Neither of those two activities makes me happy. It’s pretty clear why. Worrying about the future or feeling regret about the past takes me out of the present and then I miss the joy that comes from living now.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've found very helpful?(e.g., I remind myself to "There is only love.")
Two things come to mind:

[1] I breathe! It’s amazing to me how much peace you can find in focusing on your breath. I guess there is a reason so many of the ancient spiritual traditions focus on it. When I find myself getting anxious or upset, I just take a minute and breathe. If my mind wanders back to the problem, I gently pull it back to my breath.

[2] I work through a little Q&A with myself:
Is this an issue or "problem" I’m having with something that really matters?
Is it something I can control?

I have found it helps (particularly with financial decisions) to focus on those things that matter and that you have at least some control over.

5. If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
I get outside and exercise. Hard. In fact my wife has learned that when I’m being particularly, shall we say, "unhappy" that the best thing for me is to get out! It only takes an hour and things seem much better afterwards.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I often see people worrying about things that don't matter anymore or things they have very little control over. Working as a financial planner, I often see a lot of people unhappy with their finances. Money seems to have the ability to make people happy or miserable depending on their approach. When I wrote The Behavior Gap, I hoped that I could help people figure out how to have a better relationship with money, to take the misery out of it, by helping them get really clear about the things that matter when it comes to money and the things that don't. Because the things that really matter will vary from person to person, it wasn't my goal to provide answers for people, but instead help people find the right questions to ask.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
There have definitely been times when I have been very unhappy, depressed even. Most times it's when I allow myself to get overwhelmed or distracted by the things that don't matter. One of my favorite sketches in the book is Things to Focus On. It's the perfect reminder that there are things we can control and things that matter, and where they overlap, that's where we should focus our efforts.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Without question. The last few years have been challenging ones for my family, both personally and professionally. So we make an effort to focus on things that bring us real happiness. Not too surprisingly the things that cost the least or nothing at all often resulted in the happiest moments. One way I try to stay happy is by doing my best to react less on emotion and to make decisions based on our family's plan. I'm rarely unhappy when I can stick to that goal.

* I love checking out Maxwell Gillingham-Ryan's blog, Apartment Therapy—"saving the world, one room at a time."

* Would you like a free, signed bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project, or or a gift? Or, for the audio-book or the e-book, a free signature card? Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

"Volunteering Made Me So Happy That I Altered the Course of My Life."

Happiness interview: Conor Grennan.

I met Conor Grennan at a book event in Canada—he was there for his book, Little Princes: One Man's Promise to Bring Home the Lost Children of Nepal, and I was there for The Happiness Project.

Conor's book—which came out in paperback this week—tells an amazing story. At age 30, when he was volunteering at an orphanage in Nepal, he realized that the children there weren't orphans, they were trafficked. He put himself on a mission to reunite these lost children with their families, and he managed to get many of them back to their families, after years of separation, fear, and privation. He also founded Next Generation Nepal, an organization that continues to help trafficked children.

That day, we had a chance to talk only for a few minutes, but I could tell that Conor had many interesting things to say about happiness, so I was very pleased to get the chance to interview him.

What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Knowing that I have one small routine every day that makes me happy. No matter how busy I am, I always take lunch off (or at least 30 minutes, anyway) to mindlessly chill out. I love that.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That there’s never a real “This is my last time to do this!” I thought college was my last time to have fun. I thought post-college was my last time to take that big European trip. I thought before my son was born was the last time to really travel. None of these things turned out to be true.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Checking email too often.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be polite and be fair.”)
“Will I look back on this when I’m 50 and be proud I did this?” (I imagine that age will increase as I approach it.) It’s what made me move to Prague when I was 21, then Brussels when I was 28, then go around the world when I was 30, then move to Nepal when I was 31. I thought my 50-year-old self would think those things were pretty cool.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
I go see my kids—3 years old and 8 months old. Nothing cheers me up quicker.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I’ve never seen somebody come back from exercising in a bad mood.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy, if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
Taking bold decisions, or setting a goal that seems too hard and reaching for it, those things make me much happier.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
Yes! I thought volunteering would definitely not make me happy. In fact, it not only made me overwhelmingly happy, but it made me so happy that I altered the course of my life to put make helping kids in Nepal at the center of it.

I’ve never known anybody who has volunteered internationally to not say it was one of the best things they ever did. Getting involved with people and kids that you can actually help is one of the things that’s made me the happiest.

* My latest obsession is color, and I've had fun cruising around Colour Lovers. I love the internet! Fodder for every obsession.

* Looking for a good book? Please consider The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

"My New Mantra: Do One Thing at a Time."

Happiness interview: Rachel Bertsche.

I got to know Rachel Bertsche because I stumbled upon her blog, MWF Seeking BFF, which is all about the challenge of making friends as an adult. Making and keeping friends is is one of the most common, and also most significant, happiness challenges; friendship is very, very important to happiness, but as adults, we often don't have the time and opportunities to build and strengthen those relationships.

Rachel's book, MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend, just hit the shelves. In it, she talks about her adventures as she tried to meet and make friends after she moved to a new city. The relationship between friendship and happiness is a constant theme in the book, so I was eager to here more about her views on hapipness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Rachel: Spending time with friends. Even if I'm exhausted and want nothing more than to go home and crash on the couch, when I force myself to go out and spend an hour or so with friends (and this time together can take any form—a dinner date, going for a walk, even watching TV side by side) I feel so much happier afterwards. In fact, a 2004 study found that 85% of adults feel happier, less stressed and more energized after spending time with friends—and yet 62% of those people said they spent less time with friends than ever before.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Oversleeping! I work from home, which makes it a lot easier to hit the snooze button over and over. Now I do it almost every morning and can't even remember it when I finally wake up. I loved sleeping in as a teenager (who didn't?) but now whenever I wake up an hour later than planned, I have that strange nagging feeling as if I've forgotten to do something. And I feel like I've missed a vital hour of the day. When I wake up on the earlier side, having still gotten enough sleep, I always have a better "time to face the day!" feeling when I wake up.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
I'm a huge fan of The Happiness Project (both book and blog) [awww, thanks Rachel!] so I try to keep many of your lessons in mind, including to "Be Rachel." These days, a mantra I am trying to adopt is "Do One Thing at a Time." I find that so often my mind is working on overdrive, and I'll start one project, get distracted, start another, and forget to go back to the first. It only serves to make me more overwhelmed. This mantra is still new, so I'm not sure if it is contributing more to my happiness yet, but I think it will.

The happiness-related book passage that has always stuck with me is from AJ Jacobs's The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World. In it, he tells the fable of a Middle Eastern potentate who called all the wise men of his kingdom together and tasked them with gathering all the world's knowledge in one place. In the end, that knowledge came down to one sentence: This too shall pass. I like to remember that if, as Jacobs says, the Black Plague passed, and the Hundred Years' War passed, then when I'm having hard times, those will pass too.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Not to harp on the friends point, but having spent so much time researching and focusing on friendship, I'm especially attuned to it. And what I see people doing that adds a lot to their happiness is making time for friendships. Since I work from home, I spend a lot of time in the nearby coffee shop. I love watching people get together for a quick catch-up. When they greet each other, their faces light up, they hug and laugh, and they just look so happy! I often feel like I'm in that scene of Love Actually, when Hugh Grant is watching everyone in the airport reunite and he says "Love, actually, is all around us." As I write this, there is a group of friends—men and women—laughing together at the table next to me. Even watching them gives me a little happiness boost.

On the flip side, not making time for friends can really detract from happiness. Research shows that during our teenage years, we spend nearly one-third of our time with friends. For the rest of our lives, the average time spent with friends is less than 10%. That's a pretty big jump, and can make us feel lonely or unfulfilled. If you are married with kids and you have a job and an endless list of errands to run, it's likely that time with pals slips off the to-do list. It can feel more like a luxury than a necessity. But just a little bit of time with the gals (or guys) can go a long way towards our overall health and happiness.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I've always considered myself a pretty happy person, but I've definitely had my swings. Some of the happiest times in my life were spent at summer camp. I went to an all-girls summer camp in Maine for eight weeks, from when I was eight to when I was 16. I used to feel a happiness rush the moment I stepped off the bus onto the campgrounds in June. I think it was the knowledge that for the next two months, all that was expected of me was to have fun. Suddenly there wasn't the pressure of grades, or the social drama that seemed to accompany school. For two months I played sports, acted in the plays, had cookies every day at 10:15, went swimming, and sang a lot of songs. It probably won't surprise you to read that my best friend in the world went to camp with me, so that increased my happiness plenty. Camp basically provided a double-happiness boost: it removed the stress of trying to excel in school or extra-curriculars that existed in my "regular" life, and gave me 24/7 friend time!

The most unhappy I've ever been was when my father died. And even then it wasn't exactly unhappiness, but sadness, which I'd argue are two different things. I didn't feel like I had an unhappy existence, I was just dealing with something sad that happened to me. I became happier by letting myself feel the sadness, and grieve, and not rush myself to feel better. It didn't get less sad that my father died, but it became easier to be happy despite having lived through that one crummy thing. It took time. You can't always force yourself to be happier, I don't think. You have to let yourself feel unhappy for a bit, and if you recognize your feeling and acknowledge it, you can have your sad moment and then move on.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Yes! All the time. My husband calls them my "kicks." As in "What kick is Rachel on this time?" Like you, I love having little rules or resolutions that I'll commit to for a time. Unlike you, Gretchen, I'm not great at always sticking to them. But I try. I love your one-minute rule, for example, though I don't always remember to adhere to it. I often try out different rules/resolutions and see if they add to my happiness. So that could be as broad as "work out 5 times a week" or as specific as "buy one magazine I've never read before whenever I'm in an airport."

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
Well, I definitely suffer from the arrival fallacy that you have written about. Whenever I achieve something I'm working for, I tend to already be thinking about the next thing, and thus I don't get the satisfaction out arriving at the milestone that I should. I'm working on that though. Also, shopping. I often get excited to buy something new—a purse, clothes, a gadget—but once I have that object in my house, it never really gives me the happiness boost I expect.

On the other hand, being a Big Sister (through Big Brothers Big Sisters) is something I decided to do because I thought it would make someone else—my "little"—happy. As it turns out, it might make me happier than it makes him. My husband and I do it together as a couples match, so we have a "little" together. We take him to the movies, the park, the library, or just to lunch. Spending time with our little ALWAYS makes us happy. There's something about that 10-year-old energy that is infectious, and the feeling that we might be making a positive contribution to his life is amazing. So that's something I did in order to boost someone else's happiness, but instead I improved my own.

* Want to sign up for the 2012 Happiness Challenge? The link is ready! Sign up here. Studies suggest that if you take an action, such as signing up, you're more likely to keep your resolutions. For the Challenge, in a weekly video, I'll discuss a Pigeon of Discontent to consider tackling as you think about your own happiness. If you'd like to see my personal Resolutions Chart, as an example, email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

"Catalogs. Don't Look At 'Em. Big Time Suck."

Happiness interview: Kelly Corrigan.

Kelly Corrigan is a writer well-known for her books, The Middle Place and Lift, and also from her YouTube video, Transcending, which has been viewed more than 4.75 million times.

She writes a lot about the challenges of life, small and large—from ordinary, day-to-day issues to major challenges such as her fight with cancer. I was very interested to hear her thoughts on happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Kelly: Walking outside, preferably with my dog, ideally with the dog and a friend.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
It comes, it goes, it comes back.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Eating and drinking too much. Short term highs vs. long term satisfaction—still tricky for me.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
Things happen when you leave the house. Also, make yourself useful doing something hard with good people (video).

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
Reading with the girls. I always know that's time well spent and a lot of my anxiety is around wasting time.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Catalogs. Don't look at 'em. Big time suck. Wish lists take up brain space better used on something more promising.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
Was really down one summer before I met Edward. Panic attacks, lifeless, etc. I went to see a great therapist named Priscilla Marquis in San Francisco. Helped a lot. Also read a book I liked called The Feeling Good Handbook.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Keeping track of moods—what's driving them—how to recreate them.

* Join the Facebook Page—lots of interesting discussion there.

"What a Difference a Few Small, Consistent Changes Can Make."

Happiness interview: Crystal Paine.

One of the most complicated and emotionally charged topics within the larger subject of happiness is the relationship between money and happiness. Figuring out how to live within your means, dealing with financial anxiety, spending money in ways that boosts happiness instead of undermining it...these are common, major challenges.

I was happy to make the e-acquaintance of Crystal Paine, who has a new book coming out next month: The Money Saving Mom's Budget: Slash Your Spending, Pay Down Your Debt, Steamline Your Life, and Save Thousands a Year. That certainly covers a lot of issues that people grapple with, just in the subtitle! She also has a very popular blog, Money Saving Mom.

Because Crystal has thought a lot about how to create the life that reflects your values related to money, I was curious to ask her specifically about happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Crystal: I usually have to drag myself to the treadmill in the mornings, but I never regret getting on it and running--even if it's just for a mile. It gets my blood pumping, it helps to clear my head, and it makes me feel much more energetic and efficient the rest of the day.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I often get distracted, procrastinate, or choose to do what I want to do over what I should do (i.e. surfing the web versus writing an article that is due). Any time I do this, I end up feeling frustrated at myself for wasting time. And I usually end up stressed, too, because it results in me being behind schedule or late to an event.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
Singing is a guaranteed mood-lifter for me. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly low, I'll force myself to start singing, even though it's the last thing I feel like doing. It only takes a few minutes of singing and I will feel ten times better about life. I’m not sure why or how that is, but it always works!

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I've been working on consistently sticking with three daily habits recently (going to bed early, getting up early, and tackling my laundry pile every day instead of letting it pile up) and I've been amazed at what a difference a few small, consistent changes can make. I'm getting more done since I’m getting up earlier, I’m more energetic due to getting more sleep, and there’s a weight off my shoulders since I’m no longer waking up to face a mountain of laundry every morning.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
When my husband and I got married, we moved to a town where we knew no one so he could start law school. We had committed to stay out of debt while he was in law school, so we lived on a very meager beans and rice budget of $800 to $1000 per month to pull it off.

Sticking with our goal of staying out of debt meant that we gave up a lot of stuff--cable tv, magazine subscriptions, eating out, gym memberships, many social engagements, buying new clothes, gifts, travel, and much more. We drove an old car, we lived in a little basement apartment, we used coupons, we ate a lot of meatless meals, and we checked out a lot of books and DVDs at the library! It wasn’t easy--especially when we were almost out of money and we were tired of the beans and rice ritual--but we learned invaluable lessons through those law school years.

Most importantly, I learned that my joy and contentment with life wasn’t dependent upon the car we drove, the food we ate, or the clothes we wore. Contentment is a state of the heart, unaffected by outward circumstances. If I have a cheerful attitude, it will make a dismal situation seem so much more brighter. I can choose joy, I can choose to make the most of whatever circumstances I find myself in, and I can choose to be thankful for the blessings I do have.

* Shameless Self-Promotion: I can't resist announcing that as of yesterday, The Happiness Project has been on the New York Times bestseller list for nine months. Nine! Thanks so much, readers, for your enthusiasm and support. I appreciate it very, very much.
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.

'Isn't Love the Only Thing We Can Expect To Make Us Happy?"

Happiness interview: Deborah Needleman.

I've been preoccupied with the subject of home for a long time now, as I've been working away on my next book, Happier At Home.

So, naturally, I couldn't wait to get my hands on Deborah Needleman's new book, The Perfectly Imperfect Home: How to Decorate and Live Well. Deborah, now editor-in-chief at WSJ. Magazine and creator of the Wall Street Journal's "Off Duty" section, was also one of the founding editors of the famous home style magazine, Domino, so it's no surprise that the book is crammed with ideas about making your home more beautiful.

But the parts that I appreciated even more were about how to make your home more comfortable, more serene, and more cozy. Or, as Gertrude Stein might have said, exciting and peaceful.

The book is full of beautiful hand-drawn illustrations and helpful, realistic ideas (plus lots of quotations, which I always love). Some of my favorites:
-- the importance of "jollifiers"
-- include "something unexpected" -- like a giant urn, or a painting hung where it doesn't belong
-- my favorite: "a bit of ugly." "This might sound counter-intuitive, but to create a beautiful home, you need a bit of ugly."

I knew Deborah was as interested in happiness and home as much as I was, though through a different lens, so I was very eager to talk to her.

Gretchen: What's a simple activity that makes you happier?
Deborah: Staying in evenings with my family. (But like all good things if you did them all the time, they wouldn’t be as special or nice.) Children are very useful for shaking you out of yourself. It’s hilarious and wonderful watching their brains develop in front of you.

What’s something you know about happiness that you didn’t know at 18?
I know how to look after my own happiness, because I know myself better--what I like, and what I don’t. It is such a fantastic relief to no longer bother about those things in life that don’t make me happy, whether that’s certain people or situations or places. I avoid them without the slightest pangs of guilt, or if I feel I need to be in a situation or around someone that doesn’t make me happy, I am very aware that I am willingly do it for someone else’s happiness.

I also understand my own shortcomings, and while I wish I didn’t have them, it makes me happy to finally know how to deal with them. For instance I have learned over the years that I’m happiest if I don’t go out two nights in a row—that I just start to fall apart when I’m out in the world too much, without recovery time. When I am putting out socially, or on behalf of my job, I need an almost equal amount of time to recompose myself. (It always makes me think of Newton’s law that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.)

I imagine myself like ball of string, and going out into the world unravels the string, and then I need time to wrap the string back around the ball. Otherwise I keep unraveling and end up as just a mess of string, rather than something solid. I wish I didn’t need life recovery time or so much sleep or that I were more competent in certain areas in which I am hopelessly deficient, but it’s such a lovely relief to know and to accept these things and deal with yourself as you are. Phew.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
I get blue if I haven’t been around trees and air and sky for a while. I feel really lucky to have a life in the city and a place in the country that puts me back together humpty-dumpty style. Gardening is the first thing I was ever passionate about. I love it because it is beautiful and a largely futile battle against time, weather, disease and animals. But there’s nothing like a bunch of flowers from your own garden. I am also a failure, but a completely devoted vegetable gardener, and my lettuces and veg rarely taste as good as the ones from the farmers market, but they’re mine dammit.

Pathetically and unfortunately for me, if I’m feeling blue, I let myself believe that I deserve whatever food I want. Then of course after you’ve stuffed your face with shit food you most definitely have not stopped the blues. I have never been able to learn to act on the fact that I know I will regret it later. I am hopeless failure when it comes to those idiotic ricocheting thoughts: I want it, I regret it, I promise not to do it again, I want it, I regret it…etc. That is the most boring soundtrack, played most often in my head.

Do you work on being happier?
On a philosophical level I have always sought happiness above all else. I have not sought money or success or a career or a certain type of life, I have sought only happiness. I did not grow up having ambition or desire to do or be anything, nor did I have any particular skills or talents or passions. I had a hard time projecting myself into the future or imagining or desiring anything for the future. I just simply sought happiness. I sound so Zen, when in fact I was just bored, apathetic and not terribly self-confident, but I did think happiness was the end game: finding it and giving it.

Now I am ambitious, but even still, I’m ambitious to be the best I can, make good things, not to reach any level or tick off any box. When Conde Nast closed the magazine I started, I didn’t spend a minute being sad about losing my connection to that institution or any of the lovely benefits of being an editor there. I was heartbroken as a boss, over the demise of a product and a brand we spent a great deal of energy building, but I also knew I was lucky to have ever had the chance to create it all.

I just remember the next day walking down the street thinking that now I have my freedom, to walk around on a beautiful day, and to have another chapter in my life. It was like a gift. (Granted, I had severance pay defray other worries.)

I think you always have to be ready to have those things taken from you. I like always having a back-up plan ready, an escape plan. Even if it’s just a total fantasy. I need to know my freedom is mine always.

That is not the case for things that are core to my life: my husband and children. I can’t imagine the severing of those connections, even though that is sadly always possible.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t or vice versa?
I don’t know if it’s a game of low expectations I started playing when I was young and had slim prospects, but I don’t ever expect anything to make me happy, and then I am just surprised and happy when it does. But how can you expect anything to make you happy? A child, a husband, a job, a house? Really the second you expect happiness you’ve destroyed something in your relationship to that thing. My husband made me happy so I married him. I didn’t expect marriage would make me happy. Why would anyone think marriage would make them happy? We wanted to have children, but I didn’t have them so they could make me happy or because I expected they would. That would be unfair to them. And how can you expect a job to make you happy? You can hope of course, and if it does, great. Happiness comes if you’re open to it. It’s not hiding behind things. “I’ll be happy when…” “I’ll be happy if…” That is a flaw in one’s logic. Not to go all deep, but isn’t love the only thing we can expect to make us happy?

* I was thrilled to be asked to contribute to Quarterly -- "a subscription service for wonderful things." If you subscribe to Quarterly, every three months (quarterly), you get a present in the mail; you subscribe to a certain person's choices. Check it out!

* Join the happiness conversation on Twitter (@gretchenrubin) or on the Facebook Page.

"Discovering a New Passion Always Makes Me Happy."

Happiness interview: Grace Bonney.

I'm a big fan of the wildly popular design blog Design*Sponge -- "your home for all thing design" -- headed up by Grace Bonney. Grace also has a new book out, Design*Sponge at Home -- a kind of design "bible" with home tours, DIY projects, and lots of my personal favorite feature: before-and-afters. (Zoikes, I love any before-and-after.)

Because the subject of my next book is Happier at Home, I've been thinking a lot about how aspects of home contribute to how...homey it feels. Sometimes, even a small change can make a big difference.

I knew that Grace had given this kind of issue a lot of thought, so I was curious to hear what she had to say on the subject of happiness.

What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Sleep. It is the thing in my life that's most lacking right now, and when I get a decent amount I am a completely different person. I'm happier, more energetic and better able to tackle just about any problem that comes my way.

Also, spending time with animals. I've always been someone who felt more comfortable around pets than people and spending time with my cats always calms me down and makes me feel at ease. Something about the way they blink slowly instantly relaxes me.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That I'm the only person responsible for making it happen. Like a lot of 18-year-olds I had a huge chip on my shoulder and felt like the world was going to hand me things, people and experiences that made me happy. It wasn't until I was in my mid-twenties that I realized the only person responsible for all of that was me.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Procrastinating. I am still a terrible "wait until the last minute" person and it always leads to a lack of sleep (see question #1), bad mood and more stress. I'm getting better at making to-do lists that minimize procrastination, but it's something I still struggle with in a big way.

Is there a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful? Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
I've never relied on books or quotations, so much as real-life examples of people who live lives I admire. These days I'm incredibly inspired by some of my favorite female musicians and bands that live boldly, bravely and with such passion. That sort of fearlessness is something I hope to have one day and seeing them on stages putting it all out there really inspires me to live more fully.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
Can I be blunt? I totally eat my feelings. I'm a classic example of someone who heads straight for the fridge/cabinet/bakery when things are rough. Few things are as reliable (in both a good and bad way) as a giant piece of chocolate (or chocolate cake). It's not the healthiest activity, but for some reason I've always associated comfort food with "taking care of myself." I only do it in moderation, but it's been a consistent activity that really makes me feel better quickly. If things are rough I'll often walk outside, treat myself to a big latte and chocolate croissant and by the end of that little indulgent break I feel a lot better.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I'm incredibly inspired by the open-mindedness of my friend and co-worker, Amy. She went through a tough personal time and came out stronger and braver and now is open to just about any life experience and challenge you throw her way. Just this summer she decided to start skateboarding, surfing and rock-climbing. If you throw a new idea her way she's always wiling to give it a shot. That "let's try it!" attitude has made her incredibly happy and has totally rubbed off onto me. It's inspiring just to watch her try everything.

I sadly have a lot of friends that detract from happiness by dwelling on what their life is like NOW. I'm a big fan of being responsible for your own fate, so I hate when people feel as if they have no role or no control over what happens NEXT in their life. I always try to remind them that yes, maybe today is awful, but instead of dwelling on that you should focus on the changes YOU can make tomorrow to make sure things go up from here.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I think I've been a pretty happy person since I got out of college, but I was pretty negative before that. I didn't really hit my stride and make great friends until after high school and college, and I always felt that that was someone else's fault. When I finally found something I enjoyed doing and did well, I got a boost of confidence that made me realize that my negativity was my own fault and that I needed to kick it. So I did. I've been pretty happy since then. I have periods where I feel uninspired or over-worked and those are tough, but in general I think my mood level is on the "glass is half full" side of things.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I've had a rough year personally so happiness is foremost on my mind right now. I love my job so much that I think I let that happiness overtake everything and I forgot to take care of myself as a person and not just a blogger or business owner. So after I finish my book tour this winter, I'm going to take some time off to focus on myself and try to get back to a place where I feel more carefree and open and happy again. I don't often hear women running their own businesses admitting that even after you're successful there are still plenty of chances to mess up, make mistakes or lose track. I think I did all those things to some degree and now it's my job to make sure I put the same amount of energy and passion into my "real" life as my work life.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
All the time. Writing Design*Sponge at Home was a constant process of being surprised. I thought I'd be elated when I finished and the book came out, but more than joy I felt a sense of relief. It was such a long hard process to get the book finished that all I wanted to do was take a nap. I was happy, but I didn't feel the type of happiness I thought I would.

On the flip side, when I did a small video series with the New York Public Library a few years ago, I expected it to be a fun blip of an activity and nothing more. Filming with that team (one of whom, Amy, ended up coming to work with me full time at D*S) was probably the happiest work experience I've ever had. I was more excited to play around with video cameras and filming than I knew I would be. Discovering a new passion for something always makes me happy.

* Join the discussion on the Facebook Page. Lots of interesting conversation there.