The Happiness Project

Why "Twilight" Inspired Me To Do Better With My Resolutions.

Assay: I'm a huge fan of Twilight (books and movies)—a fact about myself that continues to fascinate and puzzle me. Last night, I went to see the fourth movie in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn, which inspired me to look back at a post I wrote two years ago. I really love that post, so here it is again.

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Following my resolution to Enter into other people’s interests, last week I watched the movie Twilight with my older daughter. This wasn’t a sacrifice for me; I love Stephenie Meyer's books (oh, how I love children’s and young-adult literature), so I was curious to see the movie.

I found the movie interesting for many reasons not relevant here (other than to say I’m thinking about Jung generally, Frazier’s The Golden Bough, and George Orwell’s discussion of “good bad poetry” in his essay, “Rudyard Kipling”), but in particular, I loved the depiction of wordless, instantaneous, passionate love.

Many of my happiness-project resolutions are meant to help me be more tender, more loving, more-lighthearted, more appreciative…more romantic.

My husband and I met when we were in law school. I still remember the first time I saw him walk into the library—a shock ran through me, and I could practically feel my pupils dilate. He was wearing jeans and a rose-colored Patagonia pull-over (which I still keep in my closet). I walked over to a friend and whispered casually, “Who is that guy?”

Our law school is small, and our social circles magically started to overlap, so I met him, and my crush deepened. One important night, we sat next to each other at a dinner party. There was that afternoon when we ran into each other on the law-school staircase in front of the stained-glass windows.

But he had a girlfriend, and I had a boyfriend. Then he broke up with his girlfriend. A week later, on May 1 (I just looked up the exact date in my calendar), I broke up with my boyfriend. It happened in the morning, and I went out into the courtyard and made a general announcement of the break-up to a bunch of friends—to see what his reaction would be.

No reaction. “Hmmmm,” I thought. “Maybe I misread this situation.” Had I imagined what I thought was between us? After all, the two of us had never talked about anything of importance, certainly not about “us”; we’d never spent any time alone, only in chaperoned groups (except that once he’d asked me to breakfast at the Copper Kitchen before our Corporations class, an occasion so thrilling to me in prospect that I slept only a few hours the night before); and neither of us had ever made even the smallest romantic overture toward each other.

But that same afternoon after my break-up, he told me he was going to walk to Wawa’s (the New Haven version of QuikTrip) to get a Coke, and did I want to come? I did. We walked to Wawa’s, then back to the law school, and sat on a bench beneath some blooming magnolia trees. He said something completely incoherent, then took my hand; this was the first time we ever touched. At that moment, if he’d asked me to marry him, I wouldn’t have been at all surprised, and I might well have said “Yes.” (We did get engaged several months later.)

Now, so many years later, is it the same? Yes and no. Yes, because I still love him passionately, and more deeply, because I know him so much better. No, because he pervades my entire life, so now sometimes it’s hard to see him. Married people are so intertwined, so interdependent, so symbiotic, that it’s hard to maintain that sense of wonder and excitement.

If I’ve learned one thing from my happiness project, it’s that if I want my life to be a certain way, I must be that way myself. If I want my marriage to be tender and romantic, I must be tender and romantic.

Am I tender and romantic? Am I appreciative, thoughtful, forbearing, fun-loving? Or do I march around the apartment snapping out reminders and orders? Am I quick to feel annoyed or aggrieved? When we first met, I honestly wondered whether it would ever be possible for me to read when we were sitting in a room together; I found it so hard to concentrate that I couldn’t make sense of anything more complicated than the newspaper. Now, I find it hard to tear myself away from my work and my email to hold up my end of a marital conversation.

So, inspired by the springtime, and the memories of early love brought back to me by Twilight, I’m going to redouble my usual efforts to keep my resolutions related to love. Think of small treats or courtesies. Leave things unsaid. Give proofs of love. Don’t expect praise. Take time to be silly. Fight right.

Have you found any good ways to stay tender and romantic in a long relationship?

Here, to me, is the great mystery: we’re perfectly suited to each other—but how did we fall in love before we knew each other at all? How is that possible?

* The movie also reminded me to Be Gretchen and accept my taste in music. I loved the song from the Twilight piano scene, "Bella's Lullaby," and instead of dismissing that pleasure, I let myself enjoy it—and in the process, came across this engaging post by the composer Carter Burwell. (To listen to the song, listen to the clip on his post, or this preview.)

It reminds me of another soundtrack song I love, The Promise, from the mind-blowing movie The Piano. The pairing of the two songs/movies is interesting, because The Piano is about wordless passion between adults, with their complications, instead of teenagers.

* Join the happiness discussion on Facebook.

5 Mistakes I Continue To Make in My Marriage.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: 5 mistakes I continue to make in my marriage, and how I try to address them.

One of the main themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life, my home, and my happiness.

When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make, I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them, though they remain challenging:

1. Demanding gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.

In response, I now think more about doing things for myself. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, I don't expect him to respond in any particular way.

2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I've worked on this issue relentlessly for years, and still have a really tough time with it. For instance, I spoke in a snappish tone just last night.

3. Not showing enough consideration. . Studies show that married people treat each other with less civility than they show to other people -- and I do this with my husband, I know. I'm working hard on basic consideration, such as giving him warm greetings and farewells, not reading my emails while talking to him on the phone, etc. Very basic, I know.

4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” -- that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.

First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.” I complain about the time I spend paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our our car. It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.

Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.

5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws. For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.

I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind, with my husband and my daughters, too. KMHMTM is one of my very favorite resolutions! It doesn't take any extra time, energy, or money, and it makes a real difference in the atmosphere of my home.

What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any useful strategies for addressing them?

* I love the internet! For some reason, I was thinking about the fabulous opening scene from the first Austin Powers movie, and then I thought -- I bet I can watch it on YouTube! And there it is. Silly, hilarious. If I had to pick a personal theme song, that music would definitely be a candidate.

Need a good book? TryThe Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

"I Place a High Value on These Black Market Pearls of Wisdom."

Happiness interview: Natalie Taylor.

Natalie Taylor has written a wonderful, moving memoir, Signs of Life. When she was 24 years old and five-months pregnant, Natalie's husband Josh died in a skateboarding accident, and her book describes what she went through over the next few years.

I really loved this book. One of my happiness-project resolutions is to Read memoirs of catastrophe, and out of her experience, Natalie was able to convey some very profound insights into the nature of love and happiness.

I also loved this book for another reason. As an ardent supporter of organ donation, I was very moved to read how her family handled the issue: without a second thought. "Josh donates seven organs," Natalie wrote. Tears welled up in my eyes when I read that.

Gretchen: Becoming a widow is an enormous happiness challenge. How did you meet it?
Natalie: A few days after losing my husband, I vividly remember sitting in the passenger’s seat of my sister’s car telling her I could never be happy again. Three and a half years later, I don’t feel that way at all. I’m not even quite sure how or when it happened. I just know that at the time, I was desperate not to be destroyed by grief, not just for me, but for my son. So, I tried everything. I saw a psychologist, I went to spousal grief group, I went to a single mom’s group, I forced myself to go through pictures, I wrote, I read, I acknowledged anniversaries, and as much as I faked it in front of other people (man, did I get good at that), I never lied to myself. Part of me knew I needed to get in the fight early and often or else the grief could morph into a very dangerous monster. It’s not to say I’m on cloud nine everyday, but the pain of the immediate grief is like the pain of labor—you how bad it hurt, but the intensity of the moment is a memory of the past.

What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Two things: 1. Playing with my son. A lot of times I get so wrapped up in making dinner and doing laundry that I forget to slow down and just play. The best is when I turn my phone off, turn the radio off, turn the oven off and just put 100% of myself into pretending to be Han Solo.

2. Exercise. I do this thing called CrossFit where it’s a one-hour class that usually leaves me crumpled up on the floor gasping for air feeling like I am going to die. It’s awesome. But more than the workout itself, I love the people at my gym. The combination of getting stronger and having a fun community of people is totally addicting.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I’m pretty sure it’s called “eating your feelings.” I’m not sure if this happens to anyone else, but when I am full of mixed emotions, I will walk into my kitchen and have sort of a black out moment and then the next thing I know there are cookie crumbs all over the counter. I can tell you from experience, this does not make me happier, but shamefully, I do it repeatedly.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
In the midst of my grief, a wise person told me, “you are only visiting this place.” Sometimes life has us feeling like we are stuck in a bad place forever. In my book I talk a lot about not just my bad place, but how I got out—sometimes I was gently carried by those who loved me, sometimes I was dragged by my collar, and other times I clawed my way out myself. I came to realize that no matter how dark life got, I did not have to stay there forever. Now when I have a hard day, I remind myself that it’s a visit, not a permanent residence.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I love being around people who aren’t afraid to speak the truth. I remember before my husband’s viewing, my best friend, Katie, who had lost her mom three years earlier, told me that people were going to say a lot of stupid things to me at the viewing about why Josh died. She said, “I am handing you an invisible stack of STFU cards” which stood for “Shut the F@#& Up” and she told me when people say things that I don’t care to hear, I can imagine handing them one of my cards. Katie’s honest and humorous approach has gotten me through a lot.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I keep my ear to the ground for the little tricks on leading a happier life. The Monday after Easter, Anne, a coworker of mine with four little kids, told me she was always overwhelmed with holidays, but this year she took the advice of another mom whose kids are older now. Anne told me before her relatives and in-laws came over for brunch, she took a shot of tequila. She said it actually really helped. I’m not advocating for drunk Easter Sundays, I’m just saying, I place a high value on these black market pearls of wisdom. It’s usually the best advice.

* Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, and every weekday morning, you’ll get a happiness quotation in your email inbox. Sign up here, or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com.

9 Tips to Quit Nagging.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 9 tips to quit nagging.

From what I hear from other people, it's clear that I'm not the only person who struggles with nagging. It turns out that being a nag is just as unpleasant as being nagged -- so finding strategies to stop nagging brings a real happiness boost to a relationship.

But even though no one enjoys an atmosphere of nagging, in marriage or any partnership, chores are a huge source of conflict. How do you get your sweetheart to hold up his or her end, without nagging?

One of my best friends from college has a very radical solution: she and her husband don’t assign. That’s right. They never say, “Get me a diaper,” “The trash needs to go out,” etc. This only works because neither one of them is a slacker, but still — what a tactic! And they have three children!

That's something to strive for. But even if we can’t reach that point, most of us could cut back on the nagging. Here are some strategies that have worked for me:

1. Don’t insist that a task be done on your schedule. “You’ve got to get those boxes into storage today!” Says who? Try, “When are you planning to deal with the boxes?” If possible, show why something needs to be done by a certain time. “Will you be able to get the boxes out of the hall before your family comes over next week?"

2. Remind your partner that it’s better to decline a task than to break a promise. My husband told me that he’d emailed some friends to tell them we had to miss their dinner party to go to a family dinner—but he hadn’t. Then I had to cancel at the last minute, it was incredibly rude, and I was enraged. Now I tell him, “You don’t have to do it. But tell me, so I can it.”

3. Every once in a while, do your sweetheart’s task, for a treat. This kind of pitching-in wins enormous goodwill.

4. Assign chores based on personal priorities. I hate a messy bedroom more than my husband, but he hates a messy kitchen more than I. So I do more tidying in the bedroom, and he does more in the kitchen. My husband thought our older daughter needed a spring jacket, but I didn't. He asked me a few times when we were going to pick one up, and I said, "I don't really think she needs a jacket, so I'm not planning to do that."

5. Settle for a partial victory. Maybe your partner won’t put dishes in the dishwasher, but getting them from the family room into the sink is a big improvement. My husband used never to return my emails. Now he sometimes returns my emails. That's progress.

6. Re-frame: decide that you don’t mind doing a chore — like putting clothes in the hamper or hanging up wet towels. Surprisingly, this is easier than you’d think. I used to think, "I don't like making the bed." Then I realized, "Actually, I like making the bed."

7. No carping from the sidelines. If your partner got the kids dressed, don’t criticize the outfits. If you want something done your way, do it yourself.

8. Think about how money might be able to buy some happiness. Could you find a teenager to mow the lawn? Could you hire a weekly cleaning service? Could you buy prepared foods a few nights a week? These days, money is very tight, but eliminating conflict in a relationship is a high happiness priority, so this is a place to spend money if you can, and if it can help.

9. Most helpful: Do a task yourself. I used to be annoyed with my husband because we never had cash in the house. Then I realized: why did I get to assign that job? Now I do it, and we always have cash, and I’m not annoyed.

Any other ideas about how to avoid nagging? What have I missed? If you want suggestions about how to stop being nagged, here are 8 tips to stop the nagging.

Also, sometimes one person is absolutely oblivious for the need for chores to be done. That person just doesn't notice, and doesn't care. In that case, it's hard to know what to do. I have it easy, because if anything, my husband is more chore-oriented than I am. I'm a naggee as well as a nagger. If that's your situation -- what do you do? What advice to do you offer?

* Is your book group reading The Happiness Project? (I know a lot of groups were waiting for the paperback release.) I've prepared a one-page discussion guide for book groups, as well as a guide tailored for church groups, prayer circles, spirituality book groups, and the like. If you'd like either discussion guide (or both), email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. (Don't forget the "1.")

Virginia Woolf: "The Immense Success of Our Life Is...That Our Treasure is Hid Away."

[Of her marriage to Leonard Woolf]: "The immense success of our life is, I think, that our treasure is hid away; or rather in such common things that nothing can touch it."
-- Virginia Woolf, Diaries, June 14, 1925

* Join the discussion on the Facebook Page -- lots of interesting conversation there. And on Twitter, @gretchenrubin.

In Which I Fail, Yet Again, To Keep My Personal Commandment: "No Calculation."

Assay: One of my most important personal commandments -- and one that I struggle with constantly -- is No calculation. It’s meant to remind me not to keep score, not to stint on love and generosity, not to keep track of who’s done what. This commandment is based on an observation by my spiritual master St. Therese of Lisieux: "When one loves, one does not calculate."

I remind myself, “No calculation,” when I find myself starting to start to bargain or trade or keep score – and I broke this commandment just this weekend.

Earlier in the day, I’d been on a panel at a conference at Harvard Business School, and I’d just arrived home after a four-hour train ride from Boston. My older daughter had gone to a birthday party, and my husband or I needed to go out into the cold night and retrieve her.

The question of who would make the trek hung in the air. My husband said reluctantly, “I’ll go pick her up.”

This is where I broke my commandment. I wish I'd said, “Oh, thanks so much! After that long train ride, I don’t feel like going out again. I really appreciate it.”

But instead, I said defensively, “What have you been doing for the past three hours?” Meaning, you’ve just been relaxing for the last several hours, so really, you should do it. That’s score-keeping: I did this, so now you have to do that. (Or, you got to do this, so now I get to do that.)

He said, “I’ve been taking care of everything here. You’ve been sitting on a train.”

Fortunately, I recognized my mistake before the conversation devolved into a fight about who had had a less taxing afternoon and therefore “should” do this chore. After all, he's already said he'd do it.

I realized that by suggesting that my husband “should” do this task, I was undermining his generosity – turning his offer to do the pick-up into an obligation he “had” to do, instead of treating his offer as a thoughtful gesture he’d made for my benefit. I was invoking calculation, even though he'd already volunteered!

I backtracked as best I could, to show a different kind of reaction. It's much more pleasant to feel grateful for a nice gesture than to squabble about the score.

Now, it’s true that every relationship involves some calculation. It wouldn’t be fair for one person to do everything, and the other person to do nothing. I’m not sure how I would view this commandment if I thought my husband would take advantage of it. In my relationship, though, things tend to balance out evenly, and the atmosphere is much happier when I don’t keep score, when I don't calculate, but just try to do the loving thing.

Do you have a problem with score-keeping and calculation? I wonder if it is related to the craving for gold stars. Which I absolutely, positively have.

* My friend Susan Cain has a fabulous new blog, Quiet -- "the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking." I was so pleased to see her post, Why you don't like being teased, where she picked up the conversation I'd started here, on teasing. A really fascinating subject.

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month’s material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com (don't forget the "1). Just write “newsletter” in the subject line.

Make People Happier by Acknowledging That They're Not Feeling Happy.

Sometimes, an idea sounds so simple, and so non-controversial, that it takes a while to appreciate how important and helpful it is.

I found this to be true about a happiness-project resolution I made after reading the brilliant parenting book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. In it, the authors Faber and Mazlish suggest acknowledging the reality of other people’s feelings: instead of denying feelings like anger, irritation, fear, or reluctance. articulate the other person’s point of view. In other words, Make people happier by acknowledging that they're not feeling happy.

Sounds easy, right? Wrong. I had no idea how often I contradicted other people’s assertions of their feelings until I tried to quit. “You always have fun when we go.” “You should be thrilled, this is great news.” “It won’t be that much work.”

I had the opportunity to put this resolution into action just yesterday, over a minor issue that could nevertheless have turned into a big pain. We've had a lot of snow here in New York City, and I wanted my younger daughter to wear her snow boots to school, but she wanted to wear sneakers. (Why do children always resist wearing appropriate gear?) I could tell by the warning signs that she was on the brink of getting very riled up. Without this resolution, I would have answered her protests with a stream of contradictions: "The boots aren't uncomfortable," "You've worn them before, and they felt fine," etc. Instead, the conversation went like this:

"I don't want to wear those boots. They don't feel comfortable."
"It's wet and snowy out, so you need to wear the boots, but you'd rather not."
"I don't want to wear the boots."
"You wish you could wear your sneakers."
"I don't want to take my sneakers in a bag, I want to wear them."
"You just don't feel like wearing these boots today! They aren't as comfortable to wear for the long walk to school."

Then she calmly put on the boots. Really.

Experts say that denying bad feelings intensifies them; acknowledging bad feelings allows good feelings to return. That sure seemed to be what happened. Also, on my side, it's much more pleasant to feel calm, agreeable, and understanding.

This principle is just as true for adults. Recently, I undertook a MAJOR household project. Which, I admit, I did with about zero grace – but I did do it. My husband was well aware of my simmering resentment. Just before I was about to start the biggest part of it, he looked around and remarked, “Well, this doesn’t look like it will be too tough.” Wrong thing to say! Probably, he thought he was being comforting or encouraging. Instead, he enraged me. It would have been better to have acknowledged my feelings, by saying something like, “Wow, this looks like a huge job, it’s great that you’re going to do this.” Plus it never hurts to give me some gold stars.

I’ve found, too, that when other people deny or ignore my feelings, I tend to keep repeating myself (i.e., whining), because I think my feelings haven't registered. So, for example, maybe my husband doesn’t want to talk about my irksome problems with my email, and I don’t even particularly feel like talking about it, but until I get my “Wow, that must be so annoying,” I can’t let it go.

Have you found that acknowledging bad feelings allows them to dissipate better?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* The other day, I posted about the resolution to Ask yourself: What did you do for fun when you were 10 years old? On that topic, here's a short news clip about Michael Giacchino -- a spectacular example of someone turning a childhood passion for music and film into a career.

* Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, and each weekday morning, you'll get a happiness quotation in your email in-box. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com (don't forget the "1").

Difficult Questions We Face in Creating a Happy Life.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or Quiz Day, or List Day.
This Wednesday: Difficult questions we face in creating a happy life.

As I think about happiness, and talk to people about their own happiness challenges, certain issues come up over and over. Some arise within a person -- “How do I make myself do something I don’t want to do?” and some arise in a relationship -- “Why won’t you do this task, even if only to make me happy?”

In seeing these questions, it’s tempting to say that some of these questions are “wrong.” For example, the question “Can you make me happy?” But rather than describe how people ought to frame these questions, I’ve tried to characterize them to reflect my sense of how people do frame them.

• How do I balance what makes me happy now with what will make me happy in the long term?
• Should I make myself do something I don’t want to do? And how do I make myself do something that I want to do (but for some reason, am not doing)?
• How can I insulate myself from your constant negativity?
• How do I balance what makes me happy against what makes you happy?
• How can I be happier if you won’t make any changes?
• Is it possible for me to be happy if I grew up in an unhappy family?
• After the terrible thing I’ve suffered, can I find my way back to a happy life?
• Can I make up for lost time?
• Why won’t you do this task, even if only to make me happy? --do I have to do everything myself?
• Can I make you happy? Can you make me happy?
• Do I expect too much? Too little?
• How do I make time for all the things that are important to me?
• If I try to be positive and enthusiastic, does that make me insincere?
• Do I deserve this?
• Why won’t you give me what I need to be happy?
• When should I accept myself, and when should I expect more from myself?
• What if I not only want you to do something, but I want you to want to do it? And to do it without me asking you to do it?
• Why don't you appreciate my honesty?
• Why is it sometimes so hard to do things that I know will make me happy? And to resist doing things I know will bring unhappiness?
• When should I give up on you?
• What if you don’t accept me? What if I don’t accept you?
• How do I make time for myself when I feel overwhelmed by your needs?
• Why am I drawn to you, when I know you’re a hurtful person?
• How is it possible that I simultaneously love and hate you?
• How can I claim my rightful share of attention?
• What’s the most effective way to show you my love?
• How do I take responsibility and make amends for the terrible mistake I made that hurt you?
• How can I forgive you?
• When should I show you tenderness and sympathy, and when should I get tough?
• How can I be happy with this terrible thing hanging over my head?
• How can I escape the unhappiness of the life I now live?

These questions don't have easy answers. There's no book to consult, no Delphic oracle to provide the answers. But sometimes it helps to distill a large issue into a very simple question. I’m sure I’m missing many big questions. What have I overlooked?

* I was charmed by this short video, Found: Lost Pictures of New York Blizzard. The longing for adventure, the desire to do a good deed, the fascination of glimpsing other people's hidden lives -- all mixed together. (Someone told me that it may not be "true," but that doesn't matter much to me in this case.)

* If you'd like a free, personalized bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project -- or as a gift for someone else -- email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. (Don't forget the "1".) Be sure to include your mailing address, feel free to ask for as many as you like, and yes, I'll mail them anywhere in the world.

Six Questions To Help You Keep Your Cool -- Instead of Losing Your Temper.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Six questions to help you keep your cool.

One of my worst faults is my tendency to “snap” – to react sharply, in a minor but harsh way. This trait clouds my happiness and the happiness of everyone who feels the lash.

The conventional advice for mastering your temper is to “Count to 10” before reacting. My problem is that, in the difficult moment, it never occurs to me to count to ten.

Figuring out ways to control my snappishness has been one of my chief goals for my happiness project. To try to rein it in, I’ve tried everything from getting more sleep to the Week of Extreme Nice to hypnosis.

I also came up with a set of questions that kick into my brain (sometimes) in time to affect my behavior.

When I feel myself losing my temper, if I can muster the mindfulness to be self-reflective, I ask myself these questions:

1. Am I at fault? I hate to be criticized or to be in the wrong. Often, I’m angriest when someone is chiding me about something that I am, indeed, guilty of. When I’m about to hit back, I remind myself to accept criticism politely, if grudgingly.

2. Will this solve anything? I often snap when I feel like I’m confronting the same annoyance over and over. Fact is, people often have irritating habits that aren’t going to change. Failure to meet deadlines, failure to return phone calls, untidiness, etc., etc. I try to remember that snapping isn’t going to make any difference, but will only make me feel bad.

3. Am I improving the situation? This is particularly important with my younger daughter. If I lose my temper with her, the problem just escalates to a whole new horrible level. She dissolves into tears and wails, “You talked to me in a mean voice!” It’s far more effective to stay calm. Also, nicer.

4. Should I be helping you? Often, I lose my temper because I’m actually feeling guilty about my own unhelpfulness. My guilt makes me crabby, but it’s really a sign that I should be taking action.

5. Am I uncomfortable? Discomfort shortens my fuse. I’ve become much more careful to dress warmly (even when people make fun of my long underwear and double sweaters), to snack more often, to turn off the light when I’m sleepy, and to take pain medication as soon as I get a headache. The Duke of Wellington advised, “Always make water when you can,” and I follow that precept, too.

6. Can I make a joke of this? Using humor is extraordinarily effective, but I usually can’t find the inner depths to laugh at an annoying situation. A distant goal for which I’m striving.

It’s tempting to dwell on questions like, “Whose fault is it?” or “Why am I upset?” but in the end, these tend to stoke my temper instead of soothe it. I try to remind myself that no behavior is annoying if I don’t find it annoying. A hackneyed observation, but true.

Have you found any good strategies for keeping your cool?

* My friend Erin Doland is the editor-in-chief of the fabulous site, Unclutterer, and now the excellent Simplifried --"a blog about ending mealtime stress. If your nerves are fried, we'll be your simple, delicious, and nutritious cooking guide." The Simplifried Manifesto says it all!

* Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, and each weekday morning, you'll get a happiness quotation in your email in-box. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com (don't forget the "1"). I'm thrilled by the response to this -- I started it just a few weeks ago, and almost twelve thousand people have signed up already.

"I Know I Can't Outrun That Shadow. It's Part of Who I Am. But I Can Try To Keep It as Small as Possible."

Interview: Alisa Bowman.

Through a mutual friend, I met writer Alisa Bowman -- first online, then, even better, in person for coffee. She has a new book called Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When the Fairytale Falters. Although her book and my book have many of the same words in the title, they're very different -- Alisa's book is all about turning her marriage around. I tore through it, and of course happiness is a a major theme in the book, so I was very interested to ask her about happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Alisa: I meditate. I do it for 10 or so minutes each morning and 5 or so minutes at night. I end each meditation with the same goal: to spread happiness to others as I go about my day.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
When I was 18, I thought that happiness was an ethereal gift, one that could not be wrangled or manipulated. I also thought that happiness came from money, possessions, respect, prestige, and accomplishments. I now know that neither of those assumptions are true. Happiness is a state of mind, one that is not dependent on what you own, how others perceive you, or on what is going on around you. It’s also a state of mind that can be exercised, like a muscle.

Recently I was on an airplane as it made an emergency landing. I asked myself, “Do I want to spend what might be the last three minutes of my life in terror, or do I want to spend them feeling content?” I choose to spend them feeling content. The plane landed safely.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I try to control the future. Many of my meditations are about letting go and acceptance—about being okay with whatever life is in any given moment.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
Certain types of music—classical, jazz, Sinatra—evoke a deep sense of contentment in me. If I’ve had a grueling day, I’ll listen as I sip some hot tea and snuggle with my dog.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I come from a line of mentally ill people. Cancer runs in some families. Mental illness runs in mine. I’ve gone through periods of severe depression—depression so severe that I contemplated suicide. When I look back on these periods, I can clearly see that I was trying to run from problems in my life. For instance, in my early 20s, I was dissatisfied with my career as a newspaper reporter, but I tried to ignore that sense of dissatisfaction. In my mid 30s, my marriage was falling apart. I did my best to ignore it as long as I could. It wasn’t until I addressed those problems that I was able to dig myself out of the depression. In my 20s, the remedy was a new job. In my 30s, the remedy was marital improvement (which, thankfully, worked).

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Yes, I do. Depression follows me like a shadow. Sometimes it’s noon and I can’t see that shadow. Sometimes it’s twilight and the shadow is long and dark.

I know I can’t outrun that shadow. It’s part of who I am. But I can try to keep it as small as possible. I do that in three ways.

Chemically: I exercise regularly. I use a light box in the winter. I take fish oil supplements. I make sure to get enough sleep. And I meditate regularly.

Emotionally: I am constantly reframing my thoughts, turning negative thoughts into positive ones.

Physically: Whenever I do have a real problem (like the dissatisfying job or bad marriage), I break it down into baby steps and I work my way out of it.

Spiritually: I give to others as much as I can. I give money. I give time. I start each day with a goal to create as much happiness in others as I can. I’ve found that spreading happiness to others causes me to feel happier in return.

* The Economist did a great cover story about happiness and age; beyond middle age, people get happier as they get older.

* If you received The Happiness Project as a gift -- or even if you didn't! -- and you'd like a free, personalized bookplate, for yourself or for someone else, email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Be sure to include your mailing address, and feel free to ask for as many as you like.