The Happiness Project

Take Time for Projects and Keep a New Family Tradition.

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Many of my resolutions are meant to push me to wander, play, experiment, and appreciate. For example, the resolution to Take time for projects reminds me to undertake big family projects, like making homemade books or putting up holiday decorations. Keep a new family tradition reminds me to look out for new traditions (excuse the oxymoron) that can add to the richness of family life.

These resolutions are hard for me to keep, even though I know they make me happier, because I always have to fight the urge to work. Instead of using the time in these ways, I want to work, or if I’m not working, I want to read in bed. Which sometimes is work, and sometimes is play.

I was thinking about this tension recently, because a friend of mine told me about a wonderful tradition she started with her daughter.

Her new family tradition is “New York Wednesday”: every Wednesday afternoon, she picks up her ten-year-old from school at 3:15 for some kind of New York City adventure. They take turns picking the activity – my friend recently chose a visit to a pretzel-making factory, her daughter, the Georgia O’Keefe exhibition at the Whitney. They have to be home by 5:30 for homework and dinner.

I love this idea, and I want to copy it -- what a wonderful way to have some special time with my daughter. But I also want to work. Never enough time to work! I want the time to think and to write, or at least answer some emails. I’m always itching to be reunited with my computer.

I know, though, that looking back at this time, years from now, those hours will be far more memorable and meaningful if I spend them on an adventure with my daughter than if I spend them at work.

I’m very lucky, because my work is flexible enough that I can take that time, if I decide I want to. The trick is to realize that although the siren call of my work feels more pressing, in the end, I’ll be happier if I use that time in a different way.

So I’m going to do it – set aside an afternoon for an adventure with my daughter. Where will we choose to go? I’m a huge Carl Jung fan and have been wanting to see the Red Book. That’s a thought. What will my daughter pick? Maybe Madame Tussauds?

I know myself. I’ll need to write that adventure into my calendar with indelible pen, and I’ll have to fight with myself not to let work creep into that time. This resolution is getting added to my Resolutions Chart.

I remind myself of the Third Splendid Truth: The days are long, but the years are short.

* I’m fascinated by the concept of umami, the fifth taste that goes with the more familiar sweet, salty, sour, and bitter –- I always love learning about words that describe concepts for which there’s no English word -- so I was interested to read this piece.

* If you’ve never watched my one-minute video, The Years Are Short, you might enjoy it. You can also watch the Today show’s version here.

For Valentine's Day, Two "New Traditions." Also, the Weekly Video.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, which gave me the opportunity to keep one of my favorite resolutions, to Keep a new family tradition. This resolution works alongside some of my other important family-related resolutions, like Be a treasure house of happy memories and Take time for projects.

Family traditions are an important way to build happy memories and to do fun family projects. Traditions make occasions feel special and exciting. They mark the passage of time in a happy way. They provide a sense of anticipation, security and continuity.

Studies show that family traditions support children’s social development and strengthen family cohesiveness. They provide the connection and predictability that people crave. I know that I enjoy a holiday more when I know exactly what we’re going to do, and when we’re going to do it.

I decided that I didn’t need to wait for traditions to emerge spontaneously. A “new tradition” may be a bit of an oxymoron, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from inventing a great tradition. For Valentine’s Day, I observe a new tradition that I invented ten years ago, and also one that I copied from a friend two years ago.

Every year, I send out Valentine’s cards with the girls’ photo, instead of trying to mail cards in December. People seem to like getting a card for Valentine’s Day, and it’s so much easier to deal with the task once the holiday craziness is over.

Also, inspired by a friend, I now decorate for holiday breakfasts for all major and minor holidays. For Valentine’s Day breakfast yesterday, I put out heart-shaped place-mats, heart-shaped paper plates, scattered some conversation-heart candies on the table and in a heart-shaped bowl, and put some heart-shaped window gels on the windows. My mother sent a little present to each girl, so they had something fun to unwrap. Usually I try to do something like dye the milk pink, but this morning, I forgot to do that (a reader gave me a wonderful recipe for the heart-shaped cakes in the Little House books – not within my organizational capacity to prepare, though I loved reading the recipe). Even so, I got a big, delighted reaction from my daughters.

This is festive, and also fun and easy. I re-use the same decorations every year, so I don’t have to spend money or do errands (except to pick up a little theme candy). I set the table the night before, so it’s not stressful. I have a very precise place in the kitchen where I store my holiday-breakfast decorations, so I don't have to scramble to find anything. A big happiness boost, without much effort.

Have you started any new traditions for your family?

* 2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year, this month’s focus is Love. Last week’s resolution was to Fight right. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is Don't expect praise or appreciation. Alas, of all my resolutions, this is one that I find particularly challenging!

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Feeling unappreciated? Taken for granted? Happiness and the desire for praise, appreciation, and gold stars.
Five tips for giving good praise.
Like me, do you crave praise and recognition for the slightest good deed?

If you're new, here’s information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman’s Day.

* A great place to read the latest and most interesting research on psychology, much of which touches on happiness, is Psyblog. For example, there was a fascinating post on Why We Love Narcissists--At First.

Want to a Quick, Easy Way to Preserve Happy Memories?

Many of my happiness-project activities are aimed at my resolution to Be a treasure house of happy memories. Studies show that thinking back on happy times elevates mood, and observing and preserving memories is one of the most satisfying ways of bringing order to life.

My mother started a memory-keeping tradition a few years ago that has proved to be a lot of fun.

She bought two matching lined journals, one for each granddaughter. At the end of every visit to Kansas City, my older daughter writes a paragraph about the highlights of our visit, and I write in my younger daughter’s book.

We’ve only been doing it since 2007, but already, we all enjoy looking back at the entries from past visits. It’s astounding how quickly even intense memories fade, and how effectively a brief note reminds us of highlights from the past – the time my daughter fell into the duck pond, the time my father set off the fire alarm when making pancakes, the time when my sister and her husband got locked in the bedroom.

(The fact that these mishaps are highlights proves the Secret of Adulthood that my mother taught me: "The times when things go wrong often make the best memories." Good to keep in mind.)

It’s also interesting to see my older daughter’s handwriting change, and to see how my younger daughter has gone from adding her scribbles to my note to being able to write her name.

Now, is this tradition a bit of a pain? Yes, it is. We procrastinate every visit, and usually end up writing in the notebooks in the last ten minutes before we leave for the airport. But now we all know that we’ll be glad to have the record, later. My mother wisely keeps the bar low -- all she asks for is four or five sentences. The perfect can be the enemy of the good, and if my mother pressed us for something more elaborate, or more neatly done, we might resist more energetically.

The one-sentence journal, the diary of days, and this trip journal are all quick, untaxing ways to keep memories vivid. I wouldn't be able to keep a long, detailed journal, but I can keep up with these other methods.

Have you found any good strategies to help keep happy memories vivid?

* Danielle LaPorte of the excellent White Hot Truth ("because self-realization rocks") was nice enough to do an interview with me. I wasn't surprised when her questions were surprising and thought-provoking.

* If the idea of keeping a one-sentence journal appeals to you, remember, that's one of the Tools in the Happiness Project Toolbox.

A New, Quick, Easy Way to Keep a Non-Journal.

My happiness project has convinced me of the tremendous value of reminders that help prompt happy memories.

Studies show that recalling happy times helps boost happiness in the present. Also, when people reminisce, they focus on positive memories, with the result that recalling the past amplifies the positive and minimizes the negative. However, because people remember events better when they fit with their present mood, while happy people remember happy events better, depressed people remember sad events better – which makes them feel worse.

Many of my happiness-project resolutions help me preserve my happy memories: "Be a treasure house of happy memories," Take time for projects, and Keep a one-sentence journal.

Judging from the response on my blog and from the number of people using this Tool on the Happiness Project Toolbox, this last resolution – to Keep a one-sentence journal – has resonated with lots of people.

My idea for the one-sentence journal was simple: like many people, I had the urge to keep a journal, but I gave it up because it took so much effort. By resolving to write just one daily sentence, I could stick to it. Writing one sentence is enough to be satisfying -- yet also manageable.

My one-sentence journal is just a general journal, but I’ve heard from people who keep journals about a child’s first year, about starting a new business, about fighting cancer, about observations of nature.

This week, I came up with another way to record important memories. I bought a blank, lined notebook with a blue bird on the cover (because blue birds are a symbol of happiness and my happiness project). On the top of each page, I put a calendar date without a year: January 1, January 2, etc.

From now on, whenever anything significant happens on a particular day, I’ll write it on that date with the year. So, to make up an example:

August 3
2009 – first night in my new apartment in a new city, San Diego
2011 – bought my dog Sandy
2012 – finally finished the tree house

This notebook will fill in very slowly, but after a decade or so, I’ll be able to look back on any particular day and remember the most significant events from my past – a quick, succinct way of keeping track of my personal highlights. Life seems so intense as it unfolds, but it’s easy to forget even the most important things, as time passes. The days are long, but the years are short, and memories fade quickly.

I just filled in the dates in the notebook and haven’t even made an entry yet. But I’m excited to have started it.

Have you found any good strategies for keeping happy memories vivid?

* I love checking out Marginal Revolution. I never know what I'm going to end up reading about, but it's always interesting. And Tyler Cowen just wrote a new book: Create Your Own Economy. I can’t wait to get my hands on it.

* Speaking of the fact that the days are long, but the years are short, if you haven't seen my little one-minute movie, The Years Are Short, you might enjoy it.

Why I decided to put together a photo album that wasn't as good as it could have been.

One of my happiness-project resolutions is “Be a treasure house of happy memories.” Thinking back on happy times elevates mood; research has shown that although depressed people have as many nice experiences as other people, they don’t remember them as well. By helping my family to recollect happy times from the past, I’m boosting their happiness in the present – and photographs are a particularly good way to recall happy memories.

On the other hand, one of my Secrets of Adulthood is “Photo albums and houseplants are a lot of trouble.”

I’ve been experiencing this conflict for weeks now. On the one hand, I wanted to make a lovely album of photographs from our summer – all carefully arranged, with lengthy, well-written captions to remind us, in future years, of all our adventures.

But whenever I thought about undertaking this project, I felt overwhelmed and panicky. It filled me with dread. We had so many photographs, and it was going to take a huge amount of time and energy to complete the album, even using an online service as I planned to do. As summer vacation receded into the past, and photos started to pile up from the fall (the Big Girl getting her ears pierced, the first day of school, my father-in-law’s birthday), the task loomed ever more ominously in my mind. I already had so much work to do. I didn’t want to labor over a photo album, too.

So I reminded myself of another Secret of Adulthood, this one lifted from Voltaire: “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” My desire to create the perfect summer album was preventing me from working on it at all. I needed to do a good-enough job and get it done – or else I might end up never doing an album at all.

I used another happiness-project technique to get the task finished: I set a specific time to do it. I’d been telling myself that I’d organize the album “in my free time,” but the fact is, I don’t have any free time. I’m never aimlessly wandering around the apartment, looking for something to do. Because making the album was a priority for me, I wrote it on my calendar as a real appointment, and I worked on it yesterday while the Little Girl took her nap.

As it turned out, making the album wasn’t such an awful task. Once I actually sat down to do it, I got it done in one sitting. I didn’t spend a lot of time arranging the pictures, I didn’t write captions, I didn’t do a lot of things that would have made it nicer, but I got it DONE.

Now I have the happiness of anticipating the arrival of the album.

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I found Friday Playdate after a nice reader mentioned The Happiness Project in the comments section. In her post, the writer describes a moment very much like the moment that led me to start my Happiness Project. I was on a crowded bus on a rainy day, rather than at my kitchen table with my children, but her thoughts remind me very much of my thoughts.

John Stuart Mill wrote, “Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.” In my experience, this is quite incorrect. Asking myself whether I was “happy,” as the writer of Friday Playdate did, was the first step in a process that led me to A) recognize that I was already much happier than I realized and B) take steps to boost my happiness.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.