The Happiness Project

What an Ethan Hawke Movie Reminded Me About Happiness.

Assay: It has been years since I saw the movie Before Sunrise, but I often find myself thinking about a snippet of conversation from the movie. I finally went back to look up the exact words.

The movie is about two twenty-somethings (Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy) who meet on a train in Europe and the one night they spend hanging out together.

Céline: "I always have this strange feeling that I am this very old woman laying down about to die. You know, that my life is just her memories, or something."

Jesse: "That's so wild. I mean, I always think that I'm still this thirteen-year-old boy, you know, who just doesn't really know how to be an adult, pretending to live my life, taking notes for when I'll really have to do it. Kind of like I'm in a dress rehearsal for a junior high play."

I've never forgotten this scene, because I know exactly what both of them are talking about.

On the one hand, I often have a strange feeling of dress rehearsal, of make-believe—that I, and the people around me, are playing elaborate games of pretend. I find myself in an airport, and as I pull my wheelie bag behind me, I think, "Hey, I must look just like a person going to a conference." Because I am.

In a way, this feeling is comforting, because it makes life less serious; it gives everything a faint air of the ridiculous. But it also takes away from my appreciation of this moment, this time.

I also sometimes have the feeling that I'm far in the future, looking back on the present moment with deep nostalgia. A few weeks ago, when my younger daughter shouted with excitement when she saw that Santa Claus had eaten the gingerbread cookies we left for him, it seemed almost like...something that had happened long, long ago, even though it was happening right in front of me.

But I fight these attitudes. I am living my real life, this is it. That's the Eighth Splendid Truth: Now is now.

Does this ring true for you? Do you ever have these feelings?

* Patricia Cohen wrote an interesting piece in the New York Times about the happiness benefits of middle age: Get a Midlife.

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month’s material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Think of Yourself In The Third Person.

I remember reading somewhere that writer Anne Lamott thinks about herself in the third person, to take better care of herself: “I’m sorry, Anne Lamott can’t accept that invitation to speak; she’s finishing a book so needs to keep her schedule clear.”

I find that often, the same trick helps me to be realistic about myself. "Gretchen gets frantic when she's really hungry, so she can't wait too long for dinner." "Gretchen needs some quiet time each day." "Gretchen really feels the cold, so she can't be outside for too long."

Yes, I admit, this approach makes me sound a bit affected and self-important, but the thing is, it really works.

For instance, for the last few weeks, I felt...depleted. Physically, I felt energetic enough, but mentally, I was like a cell phone that couldn't take a charge. I couldn't figure out what to do, but finally I thought of myself in the third person.

As the long holiday weekend approached, I asked myself, "What's the best medicine for Gretchen when she feels drained?" And, when I framed the question about my nature that way, from outside myself, I immediately knew the answer. "Gretchen gets mentally refreshed by doing a lot of reading."

That's what I needed. No writing; hours and hours of reading. A novel I'd never read before, a novel that was long enough to last, a novel that was absorbing without being so demanding that it would just exhaust me more. Fortunately, I had exactly the right book, right on my bedside table. I spent a good part of the holiday weekend reading Neal Stephenson's Reamde. And by the time I finished the book, I felt restored.

Self-knowledge! It seems as though it should be so easy to know yourself, but it's very, very challenging. For me, it's often easier to gain self-insight by using indirect routes—such as asking myself questions like What do I lie about? or Who are my patron saints?—rather than by trying to look at myself directly.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* Lots of great material on Positively Positive—"your attitude + your choices = your life."

* The holidays are approaching! If you're giving The Happiness Project as a gift (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller), and you'd like a signed bookplate or signature card to include with it, sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com. But do it fast! There's not much time.

Self-Knowledge: Identify Your Patron Saints.

Self-knowledge is crucial to happiness, but it's challenging to know yourself. Sometimes, I find, I can gain insight by asking myself questions that make me take stock of my interests and values.

For that reason, I asked myself, "Who are my patron saints? Of my Happiness Project, in particular, and for myself generally?" (A "patron saint" is a saint who has a special connection to a person, place, profession, or activity, or in more casual terms, a person who serves as a particular leader or example.)

Here are my six patron saints:

Benjamin Franklin: practical, curious, inventive.

St. Therese of Lisieux: showing great love through small, ordinary actions.

Samuel Johnson: wildly eccentric, with a deep understanding of human nature.

Julia Child: goofy yet masterly; light-hearted yet authoritative.

Winston Churchill: indefatigable, indomitable.

Virginia Woolf: intensely attuned to the power of the passing moment.

Well, Julia Child and Winston Churchill are probably rarely paired together in the same discussion, but they both represent very powerful ideas to me. It's interesting—the posts I've written about these figures are among my favorites of all the posts I've written. I love thinking and writing about my patron saints.

Who are your patron saints? Why?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* Speaking of Samuel Johnson, my next book takes its title from Johnson. Johnson remarked, "To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition, the end to which every enterprise and labour tends." My next book is called Happier at Home. What a pleasure it has been to write this book! If you'd like to be notified when it's available, sign up here.

"Our Way of Living Should Spring from Our Own Deepest Impulses..."

“It is essential to happiness that our way of living should spring from our own deep impulses and not from the accidental tastes and desires of those who happen to be our neighbors, or even our relations.”
-- Bertrand Russell. The Conquest of Happiness

* I enjoyed doing this interview with Lori Deschene at Tiny Buddha -- "simple wisdom for complex lives." The questions were very thought-provoking.

* Do you love Page-a-Day calendars as much as I do? Well, I'm thrilled to report that there's now a Happiness Project Page-a-Day. Fun!

What You Do Every Day Matters More Than What You Do Once In a While.

One of my Secrets of Adulthood is: What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while. I’ve been surprised how often this “secret” comes in handy.

Exercising -- I have a friend who thinks she’s a regular exerciser because every several weeks, she goes to the gym for two hours. Nope!

Having enough time to read -- I used to think, "I love to read, it's my favorite thing to do! Of course I make time to read." But when I really examined my schedule, I realized I needed to clear out more time to read; day after day, it was getting shoved aside.

In his fascinating book, House Lust, Daniel McGinn notes that market researchers use the term maximum-use imperative to describe the fact that people will often buy something to accommodate a use that they need only rarely. So, for example, you might look for a house, or a dining room table, that’s big enough to seat your entire family when it’s your turn to host Christmas dinner, even though you have a family of four that’s dwarfed by that size.

Along the same lines, I’ve noticed that when making decisions, I tend to give too much thought to what I do once in a while and not enough weight to what I do every day. For example, I wear running shoes 29 days out of 30 days a month, yet I have three pairs of black flats and only one pair of running shoes.

Why does this matter for happiness? Because we’re happiest when our decisions most closely match our natures and our values.

If I splurge on linen cocktail napkins, but never have cocktail parties, I'm not going to be pleased with my purchase. If I tell myself I eat lots of fruits and vegetables, but actually eat lots of pizza and subs, I'm not going to fostering good health. If I insist that I love skiing, when in fact, I love staying inside reading, I'm not going to enjoy the vacation.

It can be hard to be myself, to acknowledge what I really enjoy -- it can be easy to let lofty fantasies get in the way. Again, I ask, why is it so tough to Be Gretchen?

If I pretend to myself that I’m different from the way I truly am, I’m going to make choices that won’t make me happy.

* I'm a huge fan of the work of Bob Sutton, and always enjoy reading his blog Work Matters -- "about all things related to management, workplaces, and organizations."

* Would you like a copy of my Resolution Chart, for inspiration? The last page is blank, so you can use it as a template for yourself. Just email me at email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

To Be Happier: Look Out the Window.

One of my resolutions is to Cultivate gratitude, but I find it very challenging; I'm always searching for new ways to remind myself how precious an ordinary day is. As I've been working on my next book, Happier at Home, I've tried to find ways to remind myself of my gratitude for my home.

In the tumult of everyday life, it’s very hard to stay attuned to the familiar beauty that I see constantly. One reason I like to go on vacation is that when I return, I see again, with fresher eyes, the landscape of my neighborhood.

We don’t have any “views” from our apartment. We have great light, which is a real luxury in New York City (and if I had to pick between good light and a good view, I’d pick good light), but even though we face an apartment building, and another apartment building, and the top of a shaft, there are still beautiful things to see when we look out.

From our kitchen, we can see an building face that’s covered with ivy. It’s a great pleasure to watch the breeze make the mass of leaves tremble and sway together, like a wave running vertical. At night, it’s cozy and intriguing, in a Rear Window-ish kind of way, to see the snippets of people’s lives being enacted across the street, one floor on top of another.

For instance, we enjoy seeing Exercise Guy. His window is closer to us, and we have a good view of whether he’s doing his morning exercises on his elliptical machine, or not. My girls get a big kick out of checking and announcing, “Exercise Guy is exercising today!” Or “Exercise Guy hasn’t exercised one day this week!”

My office is in a teeny room on the roof of our building; it was converted from a storage room that had taken the place of a water tower. My window there looks out on air-conditioning equipment and the tops of ducts where they poke out of the tarred roof. Not much to see.

But even there, I’ve been trying to discipline myself to look at these window and not just let my eyes slide over the familiar scene without taking in the quality of light, the way the trees on the terrace across the street look against the sky, the patches of cloud that float above the roofs.

As Samuel Johnson said, “It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery, and as much happiness as possible.” Or as Yogi Berra said, making a different point, “You can observe a lot by watching.”

So look out your window. Really notice what you see. Watch how the view changes over the course of the day, and as the seasons change. Try to pay attention to the way things look. Three quotations is too many for one post, but I can’t help myself from quoting Gertrude Stein: “Anything one does every day is important and imposing and anywhere one lives is interesting and beautiful.”

How about you? What can you see from your window? Do you appreciate that view?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* I really enjoy visiting Dinner: A Love Story -- "it all begins at the family table." Lots of great material -- and beautiful images of food.

* Yes, my next book, Happier at Home, is being finished right now (I might even get to see some jacket designs soon). If you'd like to be notified when the book becomes available, sign up here. It's exciting to have a new book coming out.

Why You Shouldn't Let That Dreaded Call Go to Voicemail.

I was talking to a group of people a few nights ago, and someone mentioned a resolution that I thought sounded terrific.

"Whenever I can see on my phone that I'm getting a call from someone I really don't want to talk to," she explained, "I force myself to pick up right away. I never let a dreaded call go to voicemail."

"Oh, I always let those calls go to voicemail," someone responded. "I need to gear up for them."

"Well, I think it's better to pick them up," she answered. "I know I'm going to have to talk to this person, so I might as well get it out of the way immediately. Otherwise, I procrastinate, and it hangs over my head and ruins my mood. Plus the person gets more annoyed, because of the delay. If I just pick up, I deal with it, right then and there. And then it's over."

Given my particular work situation, this problem doesn't arise often (though it does happen sometimes); more often, I have to push myself to answer difficult emails right away, instead of delaying.

Nevertheless, the specific resolution is a terrific example of a larger Secret of Adulthood: No delay is the best way (usually).

For instance, I follow the one-minute rule. I try to exercise first thing in the morning. If I'm dreading a certain task, I get myself ready the night before, and then tackle it as the first item for the next day (here are some other tips to stop procrastinating).

I've found that articulating a specific rule -- "Don't let a dreaded call go to voicemail" -- is a great way to make sure that my habits and tendencies contribute to my happiness, instead of detracting from it. Having a specific rule in mind helps me shape my behavior. Mindfulness, always mindfulness!

How about you? Have you found tricks or strategies to help yourself avoid procrastination or to shape your experience?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* A friend pointed me to WWWord -- "a home for readers, writers, illiterates, browsers, time-wasters, mavens, and bores -- and all who use, abuse, love and hate the English language." If that description suits you, you'll find a lot of interesting information there.

* Want a happiness quotation in your email inbox every morning? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here.

Cultivate Good Smells.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! This month’s theme is the Five Senses, and last week's resolution was to Listen to your favorite song. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is to Cultivate good smells.

Cultivate_good_smells.MP3_for_Audio_Podcasting

Zoikes, why am I talking so quickly?

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Happiness is...a beautiful scent: fireplace, baby powder, Christmas tree.
Take a field trip. In my case, to cultivate good smells.
Cultivate good smells.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I'll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* For many people, alcohol raises happiness challenges. In the post The art of mindful drinking, my friend Caren Osten Gerszberg takes a thoughtful look at the issue.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:
-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, “Email me for new uploads.” Or...
-- Go to your main drop-down box, click “Subscriptions,” find the GretchenRubin channel, click “Edit Subscriptions,” and check “Email me for new uploads” there.

To get the audio podcast of the video:
-- Log in to iTunes
-- Go to “Podcasts”
-- Search for “The Happiness Project.” Free, of course.

To Boost Your Self-Control, Ask Yourself Whether You're an "Abstainer" or a "Moderator."

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! This month’s theme is Self-control. Last week’s resolution was To increase your self-control, boost your energy level. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is Ask yourself: Are you an abstainer or a moderator?

Download Are you an abstainer or a moderator

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Quiz: When trying to give something up, are you an abstainer or a moderator?
Are you a "yes" resolver or a "no" resolver?
Do something every day.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I'll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* Check out Zen Habits -- "smile, breathe, and go slowly."

* Sign up to become a Super Fan, and from time to time, I’ll ask for your help. I so appreciate the support and enthusiasm of the Super Fans.

Call Up Past Memories.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! This month’s theme is Neighborhood, and last week’s resolution was to Be a tourist in your own city. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is to Call up past memories.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Do you have happy memories of a place associated with your grandparents?
6 tips for keeping happy memories vivid.

How about you? Do you find yourself recalling important moments from your past as you move around the place where you live?

If you're new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I'll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:
-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, “Email me for new uploads.” Or...
-- Go to your main drop-down box, click “Subscriptions,” find the GretchenRubin channel, click “Edit Subscriptions,” and check “Email me for new uploads” there.

To get the audio podcast of the video:
-- Log in to iTunes
-- Go to “Podcasts”
-- Search for “The Happiness Project.” Free, of course.