The Happiness Project

"My Focus? The Overlap Between Things I Can Control and Things That Matter."

Happiness interview: Carl Richards.

I initially got to know Carl Richards's work because he and I share the same literary agent, which creates a fellow-feeling akin to having gone to the the same high school. I was very interested in his writing (and drawing), because he often addresses the connection between happiness and money, which is one of the most complicated and emotionally charged subjects within happiness.

One thing I particularly admire about Carl is his ability to sum up large issues in simple, powerful sketches. Seeing a problem that feels very complicated distilled into a napkin-sized drawing helps me understand the essentials.

His book, The Behavior Gap: Simple Ways to Stop Doing Dumb Things with Money, has just hit the shelves. It's about the "behavior gap"—the distance between what we should do and what we actually do.

I was very interested to hear his thoughts about happiness.

Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Carl: Getting outside! I live in the mountains of Utah and have found that every single time I get myself out on my mountain bike or skis it makes me happy. Of course, it’s often even better when done with family or friends, but even alone…it works. What’s wild is that despite knowing this is true, it’s often hard to get myself out. There are always other things that seem urgent, but most of the time there is nothing more important.

What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?
I used to think that the way to find happiness was to search for it. I’m starting to believe that the key to happiness is to get myself to a place where I stop looking for it. It seems that being happy is really a function of being present. Here. Now. Like you say, on that bus with your daughter.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Because I spend a huge amount of my time thinking about it (it’s my job!), I often find myself feeling regret for past mistakes or worrying about the future. Neither of those two activities makes me happy. It’s pretty clear why. Worrying about the future or feeling regret about the past takes me out of the present and then I miss the joy that comes from living now.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've found very helpful?(e.g., I remind myself to "There is only love.")
Two things come to mind:

[1] I breathe! It’s amazing to me how much peace you can find in focusing on your breath. I guess there is a reason so many of the ancient spiritual traditions focus on it. When I find myself getting anxious or upset, I just take a minute and breathe. If my mind wanders back to the problem, I gently pull it back to my breath.

[2] I work through a little Q&A with myself:
Is this an issue or "problem" I’m having with something that really matters?
Is it something I can control?

I have found it helps (particularly with financial decisions) to focus on those things that matter and that you have at least some control over.

5. If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
I get outside and exercise. Hard. In fact my wife has learned that when I’m being particularly, shall we say, "unhappy" that the best thing for me is to get out! It only takes an hour and things seem much better afterwards.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I often see people worrying about things that don't matter anymore or things they have very little control over. Working as a financial planner, I often see a lot of people unhappy with their finances. Money seems to have the ability to make people happy or miserable depending on their approach. When I wrote The Behavior Gap, I hoped that I could help people figure out how to have a better relationship with money, to take the misery out of it, by helping them get really clear about the things that matter when it comes to money and the things that don't. Because the things that really matter will vary from person to person, it wasn't my goal to provide answers for people, but instead help people find the right questions to ask.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
There have definitely been times when I have been very unhappy, depressed even. Most times it's when I allow myself to get overwhelmed or distracted by the things that don't matter. One of my favorite sketches in the book is Things to Focus On. It's the perfect reminder that there are things we can control and things that matter, and where they overlap, that's where we should focus our efforts.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Without question. The last few years have been challenging ones for my family, both personally and professionally. So we make an effort to focus on things that bring us real happiness. Not too surprisingly the things that cost the least or nothing at all often resulted in the happiest moments. One way I try to stay happy is by doing my best to react less on emotion and to make decisions based on our family's plan. I'm rarely unhappy when I can stick to that goal.

* I love checking out Maxwell Gillingham-Ryan's blog, Apartment Therapy—"saving the world, one room at a time."

* Would you like a free, signed bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project, or or a gift? Or, for the audio-book or the e-book, a free signature card? Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

"What a Difference a Few Small, Consistent Changes Can Make."

Happiness interview: Crystal Paine.

One of the most complicated and emotionally charged topics within the larger subject of happiness is the relationship between money and happiness. Figuring out how to live within your means, dealing with financial anxiety, spending money in ways that boosts happiness instead of undermining it...these are common, major challenges.

I was happy to make the e-acquaintance of Crystal Paine, who has a new book coming out next month: The Money Saving Mom's Budget: Slash Your Spending, Pay Down Your Debt, Steamline Your Life, and Save Thousands a Year. That certainly covers a lot of issues that people grapple with, just in the subtitle! She also has a very popular blog, Money Saving Mom.

Because Crystal has thought a lot about how to create the life that reflects your values related to money, I was curious to ask her specifically about happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Crystal: I usually have to drag myself to the treadmill in the mornings, but I never regret getting on it and running--even if it's just for a mile. It gets my blood pumping, it helps to clear my head, and it makes me feel much more energetic and efficient the rest of the day.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I often get distracted, procrastinate, or choose to do what I want to do over what I should do (i.e. surfing the web versus writing an article that is due). Any time I do this, I end up feeling frustrated at myself for wasting time. And I usually end up stressed, too, because it results in me being behind schedule or late to an event.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
Singing is a guaranteed mood-lifter for me. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly low, I'll force myself to start singing, even though it's the last thing I feel like doing. It only takes a few minutes of singing and I will feel ten times better about life. I’m not sure why or how that is, but it always works!

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I've been working on consistently sticking with three daily habits recently (going to bed early, getting up early, and tackling my laundry pile every day instead of letting it pile up) and I've been amazed at what a difference a few small, consistent changes can make. I'm getting more done since I’m getting up earlier, I’m more energetic due to getting more sleep, and there’s a weight off my shoulders since I’m no longer waking up to face a mountain of laundry every morning.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
When my husband and I got married, we moved to a town where we knew no one so he could start law school. We had committed to stay out of debt while he was in law school, so we lived on a very meager beans and rice budget of $800 to $1000 per month to pull it off.

Sticking with our goal of staying out of debt meant that we gave up a lot of stuff--cable tv, magazine subscriptions, eating out, gym memberships, many social engagements, buying new clothes, gifts, travel, and much more. We drove an old car, we lived in a little basement apartment, we used coupons, we ate a lot of meatless meals, and we checked out a lot of books and DVDs at the library! It wasn’t easy--especially when we were almost out of money and we were tired of the beans and rice ritual--but we learned invaluable lessons through those law school years.

Most importantly, I learned that my joy and contentment with life wasn’t dependent upon the car we drove, the food we ate, or the clothes we wore. Contentment is a state of the heart, unaffected by outward circumstances. If I have a cheerful attitude, it will make a dismal situation seem so much more brighter. I can choose joy, I can choose to make the most of whatever circumstances I find myself in, and I can choose to be thankful for the blessings I do have.

* Shameless Self-Promotion: I can't resist announcing that as of yesterday, The Happiness Project has been on the New York Times bestseller list for nine months. Nine! Thanks so much, readers, for your enthusiasm and support. I appreciate it very, very much.
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7 Tips for Making Happy Decisions about How to Spend Your Time, Energy, and Money.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 7 tips for making happy decisions about how to spend your time, energy, and money.

We all have to make decisions about how to spend our time, energy, and money. Because of my happiness project, I now explicitly ask myself, “Will this decision make me happier?” I’m determined to get the most happiness bang for the buck.

Here are some questions I consider:

1. Is this decision likely to strengthen my relationships with other people? Strong relationships with other people are a key—the key—to happiness, so decisions that help me build or strengthen ties are likely to boost my happiness. Yes, it’s a hassle and an expense to go to my college reunion, but it’s likely to have a big happiness pay-off.

2. Will this decision provide me with novelty and challenge? Novelty and challenge make me happier—but they also make me feel insecure, intimidated, frustrated, and stupid. To get past that hurdle, I remind myself that in the end, I usually get a big shot of happiness. When I considered adding video to my blog, I reminded myself that the process of mastering the process would likely make me happier. And it has.

3. What is the opportunity cost of this decision? (“Opportunity cost” describes that fact that doing one thing means foregoing alternatives.) Energy, time, and money are limited. Even if a decision would bring happiness, if it means that I have to give up the opportunity to do many other happiness-boosting activities, it may not be worth it. I could dedicate many hours to learning about classical music, and in the end, I might enjoy classical music more, but that activity would crowd out too many other things that I want to do more.

4. Does this decision help me obey my personal commandment to Be Gretchen? I want to shape my life to reflect my temperament, interests, and values. I ask myself: Am I making this decision to “Be Gretchen,” or because I want to impress other people, pretend that I’m different from the person I actually am, or deny a truth about myself?

5. When I consider a particular course of action, do I feel energized or drained?

6. How happy are the people who have made that particular decision? In Daniel Gilbert’s book Stumbling on Happiness, he argues that the most effective way to judge whether a particular course of action will make you happy in the future is to ask people who are following that course of action right now if they’re happy, and assume that you’ll feel the same way. Going on a family trip to Disneyworld. Getting a hamster. Learning to use Instagram. Working as a paralegal. Volunteering. In evaluating the likely consequences of a decision, other people’s experiences of happiness—or lack thereof—can be very instructive for me.

7. I remind myself to “Choose the bigger life.” People make different decisions about what the “bigger life” would be, but when I ask myself that question, it always helps me see the right answer, for myself.

This list might help answer questions such as:

• Should I join Facebook?
• Should I buy a tent?
• Should I throw a Labor Day party?
• Should I buy a new kitchen table?
• Should I sign up for Spanish lessons?

There’s no right answer or wrong answer -- only the right answer for me.

How about you? Have you developed questions for yourself, or other strategies, to help make wise decisions?

* I came across Adam Bryant's New York Times interview of Kip Tindell, the chief executive of the Container Store. Very thought-provoking -- and I'd love to talk a look at his "Philosphy Epistle" file.

* If you read this blog, but haven't read the book The Happiness Project -- I promise, the book isn't just a duplicate of the blog. It's different, and I think most people think it's better. There's only so much that can be said in a blog post! Anyway, if you'd like more information...
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.
Can't resist adding: #1 New York Times and international bestseller

"I'm a Person Who Has Always Relished Time Alone...the Years of Parenting Toddlers and Pre-schoolers Was Difficult for Me."

Interview: Katy Wolk-Stanley.

I spend a great deal of timing mulling over the relationship between happiness and money, which I think is one of the most complicated and emotionally charged topics within the larger subject of happiness. One blog that I enjoy reading is Katy Wolk-Stanley's The Non-Consumer Advocate -- "use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without." Among other things, she writes about how she has challenged herself to be part of "The Compact" to buy nothing new (and also, to buy very little), with very few exceptions (like underwear).

Katy has thought a lot about happiness, and how to make choices with her money that make her happier. Her approach might not right for everyone, but her insights are thought-provoking and often hilarious.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Katy: I always feel rejuvenated after getting together with a friend. This can be as simple as meeting up for coffee, going for a walk or even combining our errands.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
I don't think I gave any thought to happiness whatsoever when I was 18. This does not mean that I was gloriously happy, as I was riddled with insecurities about whether this or that guy liked me, was I too fat and feeling bad about being a less than stellar student.

Now that I’m 43 years old, I’m so much more comfortable in my skin, and I make conscious decisions that invite happiness into my life. Knowing that being happy isn’t something that only happens to other people has been a revelation. Barring something catastrophic, I am the deciding factor in my own happiness.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
No. Thankfully, I’ve never been a self-destructive type.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Spend out.”) Or a book that has been particularly useful?
The motto that gets me through the hard times is “Every day is a fresh start,” (I actually wrote about this line in The Non-Consumer Advocate blog post just last week.) I think these words to myself most every morning, and I discuss them with my 12 and 15-year-old sons as well.

However awful yesterday was, it’s now in the past and today is now a completely new opportunity.

A book that I’ve returned to time and again has been Amy Dacyczyn’s The Complete Tightwad Gazette. Despite its somewhat dated pre-internet advice, Dacyzyn’s essays, tips and humor never fail to resonate and refresh.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
When I notice that life’s stressors are starting to tip the scales, I make sure that I have a few things on my calendar to look forward to. This can be as simple as a lunch date or a quiet foray into my favorite thrift shop. I’ve also found that watching favorite television programs with my surprisingly still snuggly teens to be a wonderful treat. For us, it’s “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” all the way!

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I have noticed that a lot of people dig themselves into the habit of complaining about anything and everything; and I can certainly understand the inclination. It’s hard to find the positive side of life when you feel that your sense of humor or personality is based on clever cynicism.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I am a person who has always relished time spent alone. And because of this, the years of parenting toddlers and preschoolers were difficult for me. I felt like I was never able to completely recharge my batteries, and even ended up taking anti-depressants for a month when I found that I was crying all the time. (I stopped taking them because the medication was too expensive, although they did get me to a level where I could handle life without breaking down.)

I’ve worked for 16 years as a labor and delivery nurse in a high risk hospital, which can be quite stressful. I decided a number of years back to focus on the aspects of my job that I love and to not give energy to the frustrating parts. This freed me up to enjoy my wonderful job, without worrying about office politics or other conflict. Of course, the most important thing that keeps me from getting burnt out in my job, is that I’m able to work part-time. This is due to all the frugal choices I make in my life. Totally worth it!

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
It’s hard to say whether I concretely work on being happier, but I have made a conscious decision that I can be happy, even when my life is stressful. In other words, I’m not waiting for that elusive perfect storybook life to start being happy.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
Recently, my 15-year-old son wanted to go to a friend’s high school production of “Damn Yankees,” which was unfortunately located all the way out in the far suburbs. I decided that as long as I was driving him, we might as well see the play together. The evening ended up being really fun, and I was surprised by how much we both enjoyed the time and shared experience together. Plus, a few of the high schoolers were impressively talented!

I’ve been surprised by how satisfying writing The Non-Consumer Advocate is. I have forged connections all over the world, and even made good friends within my own city of Portland, Oregon. Blogging turns out to be more interactive than I ever could have imagined. I love my readers!

Anything else to add?
You spent a good chunk of your book focusing on how having a decluttered home was key to your Happiness Project. Having spent the past few years aggressively decluttering my home, I can completely identify with this connection. I used to spend way too many hours agonizing over the tidiness of my house, which was mostly due to having too much stuff.

I am now able to have friends, house-guests and surprise visitors over without the hell of frantic cleaning. My house is not perfect, but it’s never more than thirty minutes from presentable.

It turns out that having a decluttered home was key to my Happiness Project as well! And by the way, I would feel zero offense if you ever came to my house and started to organizing my closets. None whatsoever! [I would love to do that, Katy! Any time!]

* I love checking out Design Mom -- "the intersection of design and motherhood" -- especially the beautiful photos of France.

* Volunteer as a Super-Fan, and from time to time, I'll ask for your help. Nothing too onerous, I promise. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. If you're already a Super-Fan, thanks! I so appreciate your help.

12 Tips for Getting Regular Exercise -- and the Benefits for Happiness and Fitness.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 12 tips for getting regular exercise -- and the benefits.

Exercise is a KEY to happiness. Research shows that people who exercise are healthier, more energetic, think more clearly, sleep better, and have delayed onset of dementia. They get relief from anxiety and mild depression. They perform better at work.

Also, although it’s tempting to flop down on the couch when you’re feeling exhausted, exercise is actually a great way to boost energy levels. Feeling tired is a reason to exercise, not a reason to skip exercise.

But even when you admit that you’d feel better if you exercised, it can be very hard to adopt the habit. My idea of fun has always been to lie in bed, reading, preferably while also eating a snack – but I’ve managed to keep myself exercising over the years by using all these tricks on myself:

1. Always exercise on Monday. This sets the psychological pattern for the week. Along the same lines…

2. If at all possible, exercise first thing in the morning. As the day wears on, you’ll find more excuses to skip exercising. Get it checked off your list, first thing. It's also a very nice way to start the day; even if nothing else goes right, you've accomplished that.

3. Never skip exercising for two days in a row. You can skip a day, but the next day, you must exercise, no matter how inconvenient. (Lately, I haven't been following this rule, and it has really affected my routine for the worse. I'm going to re-double my commitment to it.)

4. Give yourself credit for the smallest effort. My father always said that all he had to do was put on his running shoes and close the door behind him. Many times, by promising myself I could quit ten minutes after I’d started, I got myself to start – and then found that I didn’t want to quit, after all.

5. Think about context. I thought I disliked weight-training, but in fact, I disliked the guys who hung out in the weight-training area. Are you distressed about the grubby showers in your gym? Do you try to run in the mornings, but recoil from going out in the cold? Examine the factors that might be discouraging you from exercising.

6. Exercise several times a week. If your idea of exercise is to join games of pick-up basketball, you should be playing practically every day. Twice a month isn’t enough.

7. If you don’t have time both to exercise and take a shower, find a way to exercise that doesn’t require you to shower afterward. Each week, I have a very challenging weight-training session, but the format I follow doesn’t make me sweat. (Some of you are saying, “It can’t be challenging if you don’t sweat!” Oh yes, believe me, it is.)

8. Look for affordable ways to make exercising more pleasant or satisfying. Could you upgrade to a nicer or more convenient gym? Buy yourself a new iPod? Work with a trainer? Get a pedometer to keep track of your walking distances? Exercise is a high life priority, so this a worthwhile place to spend some money if that helps.

9. Think of exercise as part of your essential preparation for times you want to be in especially fine form -- whether in performance (to be sharp for an important presentation) or appearance (to look good for a wedding) or mood (to deal with a stressful situation). In college, my roommates and I always made sure to exercise the day of a big party. Studies show that exercise does help.

10. Remember one of my favorite Secrets of Adulthood, courtesy of Voltaire: Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Don’t decide it’s only worth exercising if you can run five miles or if you can bike for an hour. I have a friend who scorns exercise unless she’s training for a marathon -- so she never exercises. Even going for a ten-minute walk is worthwhile. Do what you can.

11. Suit up. Even if you're not sure you're going to exercise, go ahead and put on your exercise clothes. Pack your bag. Put the dog's leash by the door. Get prepared. If you're ready to go, you might find it easier just to go ahead and exercise. Sometimes, a very trivial thing -- like not knowing where your shoes are -- gets in the way.

12. Don’t kid yourself. Paying for a gym membership doesn’t mean you go to the gym. Having been in shape in high school or college doesn’t mean you’re in shape now. Saying that you don’t have time to exercise doesn’t make it true.

People often ask me, “So if I want to be happier, what should I be doing?” and I always say, “The first thing to do is to make sure you’re getting plenty of sleep and some exercise.”

I know, that answer doesn’t sound properly transcendent and high-minded on the subject of happiness, but research shows that you’d be wise to start there. And I’ve found that if I’m feeling energetic and well-rested, I find it much easier to follow all my other happiness-inducing resolutions.

* Just spent a looooong time reading Starfish Envy.

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @gretchenrubin)
-- Sign up for my free monthly newsletter (about 46,000 people get it)
-- Buy the book
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
-- Watch the one-minute book video
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

"The Things That Go Wrong Often Make the Best Memories" -- and Further Secrets of Adulthood.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: More Secrets of Adulthood.

What have I learned, with time and experience? Not much, I fear. Here are my latest Secrets of Adulthood. Although these items may not seem particularly profound, each one was a revelation when I finally figured it out:

The things that go wrong often make the best memories.
Approval from the people you admire is sweet, but it’s not enough to be the foundation of a happy life.
If you don't really want something, getting it won't make you happy.
It’s enormously helpful, and surprisingly difficult, to grasp the obvious.
The quickest way to progress from A to B is NOT to work the hardest.
Go outside.
It’s easier to prevent pain than to squelch it. (This is true literally and figuratively.)
Where you start makes a big difference in where you end up.
Remember to choose your boss carefully.
There’s no place like home.
Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. (Actually, Voltaire came up with that one, not me.)

Here are my previously identified Secrets of Adulthood:

The best reading is re-reading.
Outer order contributes to inner calm.
The opposite of a great truth is also true.
You manage what you measure.
It's nice to have plenty of money.
By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.
People don’t notice your mistakes and flaws as much as you think.
Most decisions don't require extensive research.
Try not to let yourself get too hungry.
Even if you think they're fake, it's nice to celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day.
If you can't find something, clean up.
The days are long, but the years are short.
Turning the computer on and off a few times often fixes a glitch.
It's okay to ask for help.
You can choose what you do; you can't choose what you LIKE to do.
Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy.
What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE.
You don't have to be good at everything.
Soap and water removes most stains.
It's important to be nice to EVERYONE.
You know as much as most people.
Over-the-counter medicines are very effective.
Eat better, eat less, exercise more.
What's fun for other people may not be fun for you--and vice versa.
People actually prefer that you buy wedding gifts off their registry.
Houseplants and photo albums are a lot of trouble.
If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough.
No deposit, no return.

I've modified one Secret of Adulthood to replace "Someplace, keep an empty shelf" with "Someplace, keep an empty shelf; someplace, keep a junk drawer."

One of my favorite things to do on the Happiness Project Toolbox (okay, my favorite thing) is to see what other people are saying. A few of my favorite Secrets of Adulthood from other people include:

Some things are worth waiting for, some things are not.
It's okay to like watching cartoons (even if you are 36).
A job where someone pays you to do nothing is not awesome, it's boring.
Maturity doesn't mean acting serious all the time.
If you buy an item that has a part that will frequently need to be replaced, go ahead and buy a replacement at the same time.
When someone is mourning a loss, don't worry about saying the right thing. Just say something.
You need old friends and new friends.
Seek mentors for more than your career.
It is what it is.

I'm tempted to keep going. but will force myself to stop here. How about you? Have you identified a helpful Secret of Adulthood?

* I love getting the chance to see other bloggers face to face, so am very happy to be meeting Emily from TheMotherHood this afternoon.

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @gretchenrubin)
-- Sign up for my free monthly newsletter (about 46,000 people get it)
-- Buy the book
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
-- Watch the one-minute book video
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

"Listening to Dance Music, Mowing the Lawn, Getting Out of Debt, and Spending Time with Friends."

Happiness interview: J.D. Roth.

J.D. Roth is another member of LifeRemix network -- "Great writing about great lives" -- because he runs the popular blog, Get Rich Slowly, "personal finance that makes cents." He has a new book out, Your Money: The Missing Manual that also helps people get control of their personal finances. The relationship between money and happiness is one of the most complicated and emotional sub-issues within the larger subject of happiness, so I was interested to hear what J.D.'s thoughts on happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
J.D.: There are lots of them: Reading (books or comic books). Writing. Eating a good meal with good friends. Learning. Solving a problem. Mowing the lawn. Walking to lunch.

It also makes me happy when I can help my friends achieve their goals. There's something awesome about being part of another person's dream, you know?

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
When I was younger, I believed I would be happy if I had X, Y, and Z: a house, a nice car, a loving wife, and so on. These things do contribute to happiness, but they're not happiness themselves. I found that once I had these things, I wanted more.

I've come to realize that I can be happier if I manage my expectations. Happiness comes from being satisfied with what I have, and from working toward meaningful goals. And as a wise woman once said, it's not so much about achieving happiness as it is about becoming happier.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Oh yes. I'm a perfectionist. And if there's one thing in this world guaranteed to hinder happiness, it's perfectionism.

For a long time, I've been trying to remember the proverb, "The perfect is the enemy of the good." I preach this at Get Rich Slowly, and I apply it to my financial life, but I have a hard time remembering it in other areas. I'm preparing a talk for the coming week, for example, and I think I'd be much happier if I would accept "good enough", but it's tough. I want it to be perfect.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
I'm fond of the Hafiz poem about dropping keys, which goes something like this: "The small man builds cages for everyone he knows, while the sage, who has to duck his head when the moon is low, keeps dropping keys all night long for the beautiful, rowdy prisoners."

The world is filled with small men building cages for other people. I've decided that I want to be one of those who drops keys, and whenever I think of this, I feel happy and motivated to continue the work I do at my personal finance blog. I think it helps people, and that's very edifying. It makes others happy, and it makes me happy, too.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
When I'm feeling blue, one sure cure is cathartic dance music: driving club anthems, and that sort of thing. I've never been clubbing in my life, and I'm the world's worst dancer, but there's something about those techno beats that really lifts my spirits. If I'm in shape, running or biking to the music just adds to the effect.

Of course, a plate full of warm chocolate chip cookies always lifts my spirits, too.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
The happiest people I know have close-knit families. On one level, this makes me sad. My family gets along okay, but it's not tight. When I see what these other people have, I can't help but feel a little jealous.

On the other hand, I do notice that some of my friends set themselves up for unhappiness. These folks don't do anything. They sit inside, watch TV, don't have hobbies, never spend time with friends, and generally grouse about how awful life is. It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. They have no goals, so they have no direction, so they're unhappy. I've struggled with this some in my past, but I've learned that the only way to overcome this sort of depression is to actually force yourself to get outside and do stuff. When you're blue, this can be tough, but it's well worth the effort.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I'm a pretty happy guy, in general. I love life. But there have been times when I was especially unhappy, and times when I was especially happy.

In general, the unhappy times are caused by one of three things:

• A lack of goals. There are times in my life during which I have no direction. I come home at night and play video games or watch television. I feel like I'm not contributing to the world. This makes me unhappy.
• Feeling trapped. I was unhappy at my former job because I felt like I had no escape. I had no skills. There was nothing else I could do. I was unhappy while I was writing Your Money: The Missing Manual because I had to produce a chapter a week, and didn't have time to do anything else. (I'm happy with the final product, though!)
• Striving for perfection. As I mentioned above, perfection is a sure path to despair. By learning to let go of "the best" and accept "good enough", I've become a lot happier.

And, of course, there are times when I'm exceptionally happy. The last of these occurred for three weeks last September, just before I started my book project. Why was I happy? I was exercising every day, I was doing meaningful work, I was spending times with friends, and I was challenging myself in a variety of ways (reading books, learning French). Life was humming on all cylinders!

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I do, actually. Over the past year, I've spent a lot of time reading the happiness literature, including The Happiness Project. [Awww, thanks, J.D.!] Doing this has reaffirmed some of my beliefs and challenged others. Plus, all of this reading reinforced something I already knew but do a poor job of following through on.

I spend a lot of time writing about money, and as a result I can suffer from tunnel vision. Sometimes I focus too much on money, and not enough on the other stuff. But true wealth is built from friends and family, from experiences and relationships. It is derived from a life filled with meaning. Without these things, money means nothing.

So, one of my secret goals for this year (not so secret anymore, I guess) is to actively spend more time with my friends. So far, so good. And you know what? I'm happier because of it.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
I struggled for years to get out of debt (which I finally managed in 2007). Doing this did make me happy. But over the past three years, as I've built a bigger and bigger balance in my savings account, my happiness hasn't increased at the same rate. And to be honest, I thought it would. I thought more money would make me happier.

Of course, now that I've read through the happiness literature, I understand what's going on. In fact, I chose to open Your Money: The Missing Manual with an exploration of this topic. Basically, if you're broke, money can help buy you happiness -- a lot of it. And as you become wealthier, more money will continue to buy you happiness, but at a vastly reduced rate. So, for example, if you're scraping buy on $20,000 a year, a $5,000 windfall can have a huge impact to your life. But if you make $200,000 a year, that $5,000 bonus isn't nearly as big of a deal.

In a way, though, learning this has been liberating. It's allowed me to focus less on money and more on other things, things that can really bring me happiness.

* I was thrilled to be the #1 pick of "Best Mother's Day books of 2010" by the Christian Science Monitor. Yay!

It might not arrive by May 9, but remember, if you'd like a personalized, signed bookplate for your Mothers' Day gift of The Happiness Project, or just for yourself, email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin [.com]. Feel free to ask for as many as you like.

Video: Spend Out.

For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- this month’s focus is Money.

Last week’s resolution was actually a quiz: Are you an over-buyer or an under-buyer? Did you recognize yourself in either of those categories? Did the quiz help you identify steps you could take to boost your happiness? (I bought three bottles of saline solution, in one purchase! A big step for me.)

This week’s resolution is to Spend out. This resolution is so important to my happiness that “Spend out” is one of my Twelve Commandments.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Do you hoard your new underwear?
What it means to “Spend out,” and why it’s a good idea to spend out.
Feeling unappreciated? Taken for granted? Happiness and the desire for praise, appreciation, and gold stars.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman’s Day.

* I just discovered the site Tonic -- "the place where good lives: good news, good style, and good deeds...we focus on the good news that happens each day all around the world." Good stuff!

* In a book group? If you'd like a copy of the reading-group discussion guide for The Happiness Project, just email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin [.com]. (Sorry to write in that odd way; trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “reading group guide” in the subject line. I’ll send it right off.

Video: Are You an Over-Buyer or an Under-Buyer? (I'm an Under-Buyer.)

For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- this month’s focus is Money. The relationship between money and happiness is one of the most complicated and emotionally charged subjects within the larger issue of happiness. I really can't do justice to its complexities in such a short video. (For a more nuanced discussion, read Chapter Seven in the book!)

Last week’s resolution was to Beware the gym-membership effect. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week, instead of proposing a resolution, I’m posing a question: Are you an under-buyer or an over-buyer? Me, I’m an under-buyer. It’s not particularly productive to be in too deep in either category; both offer certain advantages but also some definite drawbacks.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Quiz: Are you an over-buyer or an under-buyer?
Buy needful things.
Even though it's sometimes stressful to give gifts, turns out it's important to happiness.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman’s Day.

* A journalist whom I talked to a few years ago, and who recently read The Happiness Project, kindly sent me the link to her blog, A Walker in the Suburbs -- "'When everything else has gone from my brain...what will be left, I believe, is topology: the dreaming memory of land as it lay this way and that' -- Annie Dillard." Great stuff.

* Yesterday, I posted about my new ad that's running on TV! Check it out here! Crazy. If you do have a chance to watch the ad, and you like it, it would be a great help if you'd press the "like" button on YouTube (it's the thumbs-up icon near the video's bottom left corner). Positive ratings gives a video extra oomph on YouTube.

Weekly Video: Beware of the Expensive-Gym-Membership Effect.

For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – or even if you haven’t officially joined the challenge – this month’s focus is Money. The relationship between money and happiness is one of the most complicated and emotionally charged subjects within the larger issue of happiness. I really can't do justice to its complexities in such a short video. (For a more nuanced discussion, read Chapter Seven in the book!)

Last week’s resolution was to Buy some happiness. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is to Beware of the gym-membership effect – which is a familiar situation in which money does not buy you happiness. The gym-membership effect occurs when you pay money for something as a way to encourage yourself to make time for it. Sometimes we use spending money as a way to demonstrate our desire to change something in our lives, but just making a purchase won’t do that.

As I emphasized in the first Money video, I recognize of course that only people with ample money face this happiness challenge. If we don’t have money to buy the essentials of life, this isn’t an issue. As the saying goes, "It's a good problem to have." Nevertheless, it's true that once we have enough money to make choices in how to spend it, our choices can boost our happiness, or not.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Sometimes money can buy you happiness, and sometimes it can’t, or, The “gym-membership effect.”

If you're new, here’s information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman’s Day.

* This exchange got me laughing out loud. From Google Alerts, I saw that Sarah, of the great blog, The SHU Box, had written about The Happiness Project book; it was very interesting to read what she's doing for her happiness project. (It's always fascinating to hear about other people's happiness projects.) I left a comment, saying hello, and I went back this morning to get the link to put here. Apparently Sarah wasn't sure I was actually ME! Hi, Sarah, if you see this, yes, that was me.

* In a book group? If you'd like a copy of the reading-group discussion guide for The Happiness Project, just email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin [.com]. (Sorry to write in that odd way; trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “reading group guide” in the subject line. I’ll send it right off.