The Happiness Project

What an Ethan Hawke Movie Reminded Me About Happiness.

Assay: It has been years since I saw the movie Before Sunrise, but I often find myself thinking about a snippet of conversation from the movie. I finally went back to look up the exact words.

The movie is about two twenty-somethings (Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy) who meet on a train in Europe and the one night they spend hanging out together.

Céline: "I always have this strange feeling that I am this very old woman laying down about to die. You know, that my life is just her memories, or something."

Jesse: "That's so wild. I mean, I always think that I'm still this thirteen-year-old boy, you know, who just doesn't really know how to be an adult, pretending to live my life, taking notes for when I'll really have to do it. Kind of like I'm in a dress rehearsal for a junior high play."

I've never forgotten this scene, because I know exactly what both of them are talking about.

On the one hand, I often have a strange feeling of dress rehearsal, of make-believe—that I, and the people around me, are playing elaborate games of pretend. I find myself in an airport, and as I pull my wheelie bag behind me, I think, "Hey, I must look just like a person going to a conference." Because I am.

In a way, this feeling is comforting, because it makes life less serious; it gives everything a faint air of the ridiculous. But it also takes away from my appreciation of this moment, this time.

I also sometimes have the feeling that I'm far in the future, looking back on the present moment with deep nostalgia. A few weeks ago, when my younger daughter shouted with excitement when she saw that Santa Claus had eaten the gingerbread cookies we left for him, it seemed almost like...something that had happened long, long ago, even though it was happening right in front of me.

But I fight these attitudes. I am living my real life, this is it. That's the Eighth Splendid Truth: Now is now.

Does this ring true for you? Do you ever have these feelings?

* Patricia Cohen wrote an interesting piece in the New York Times about the happiness benefits of middle age: Get a Midlife.

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month’s material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Does Waiting In Line Drive You Crazy? 8 Reasons Why.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List Day.
This Wednesday: 8 reasons why waiting in line drives us crazy.

It's holiday time, and that means waiting in line: at the grocery store, at the airport, at shops, everywhere. I'm an impatient person, and standing in a slow-moving line is one of those very small, maddening aspects of life that drives me crazy. As often happens, however, when I learned more about the experience, it became more interesting to me.

Fun fact from the Wall Street Journal story on Find the best checkout line: you're better off waiting in a single-file line than in one of several lines for different cashiers; although people prefer individual lines, a single-file line moves about three times faster.

I also read a paper by David Maister, The Psychology of Waiting Lines. The piece is aimed at people who operate stores, restaurants, doctors' offices, and other places where people fuss about being kept waiting. Of course, most of us are the ones standing in line, not the ones controlling the line, but I was fascinated by getting this insight into my own psychology.

Maister's main point is that the actual time we're waiting may have little relationship to how long that wait feels. Two minutes can pass in a flash, or two minutes can feel interminable. Here are eight factors that make waits seem longer:

1. Unoccupied time feels longer than occupied time. When you have something to distract yourself, time passes more quickly. Some hotels put mirrors by the elevators, because people like to look at themselves.

2. People want to get started. This is why restaurants give you a menu while you wait, and why doctors put you in the examination room twenty-five minutes before your examination actually begins.

3. Anxiety makes waits seem longer. If you think you've chosen the slowest line, or you're worried about getting a seat on the plane, the wait will seem longer.

4. Uncertain waits are longer than known, finite waits. People wait more calmly when they're told, "The doctor will see you in thirty minutes" than when they're told, "The doctor will see you soon." Maister gives an amusing illustration of a phenomenon that I'd noticed in my own life: if I arrive someplace thirty minutes early, I wait with perfect patience, but three minutes after my appointment time passes, I start to feel annoyed. "Just how long am I going to have to wait?" I fume.

5. Unexplained waits are longer than explained waits. We wait more patiently for the pizza guy when there's a thunderstorm than when the sky is clear. We wait more patiently on the plane when we know that there's another plane at the gate. I remember being very annoyed as I waited for a doctor, until a nurse explained, "A woman who's pregnant with triplets is having trouble breathing." When I understood the reason for the delay, I lost my impatience.

6. Unfair waits are longer than equitable waits. People want their waits to be fair. I get anxious, for instance, when I'm waiting on a crowded subway platform, when there's no clear, fair way to determine who gets on the next car. The "FIFO" rule (first in, first out) is a great rule, when it works. But sometimes certain people need attention more urgently, or certain people are more valuable customers. Then it gets trickier. Often, when people are treated out of sequence, it's helpful to have them be served elsewhere—e.g., people giving customer service by phone shouldn't be in the same room as people giving service in person.

7. The more valuable the service, the longer the customer will wait. You'll wait longer to talk to your professor than to talk to a sales clerk. You'll stand in line longer to buy an iPad than to buy a toothbrush.

8. Solo waits feel longer than group waits. The more people engage with each other, the less they notice the wait time. In fact, in some situations, waiting in line is part of the experience. I remember waiting in line with my daughter and some friends to buy Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows at the midnight release. It was quite a scene.

Since I've read this paper, I've been far more patient about standing in line. I'm occupied (see #1) with thoughts analyzing my own experience of waiting in line! Have you found any good ways to make waiting in line more pleasant? One thing I do is to practice "waiting in line meditation." Just saying that phrase makes me feel very high-minded and wise. Do you think that the rise of the smart phone has helped people wait in line more patiently?

* The site Color Me Katie got me thinking about the importance of color. Like the sense of smell, color is an element of experience that pervades our environment, and has a huge influence on our mood, but is easy to overlook. Color! This may be the dawn of a new obsession for me.

* Speaking of waiting in line to buy gifts...if you're looking for gift ideas, I have some great suggestions! Yes, you guessed it: The Happiness Project, #1 New York Times bestseller.
Order your copy
Want another option? Consider the The Happiness Project Page-a-Day Calendar.

How to Keep Reality TV from Ruining Your Life.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: How to keep reality TV from ruining your life, or, 9 tips to make TV-watching a source of happiness.

At lunch today, I was part of a spirited conversation on the pros and cons of reality TV. That's a broad category, of course, covering a wide range of shows from The Real Housewives to American Idol to Jersey Shore to Project Runway. My older daughter loves that show where they do fancy cake decorations -- what's it called?

TV is significant for happiness -- if for no other reason, because of the time involved. In terms of hours, watching TV is probably the world’s most popular pastime. Among Americans, it’s the most common free-time activity – for an average of about five hours a day. It’s a source of relaxing fun.

But while television is a good servant, it’s a bad master. It can swallow up huge quantities of our lives, without much happiness bang for the buck.

Here are nine tips for keeping TV-watching a source of happiness:

1. Watch TV with someone else. We enjoy all activities more when we’re with other people, and we tend to find things funnier when we’re with other people. Use TV as an excuse to get together. Sports TV, awards TV, and competition TV, in particular, are a lot more fun to watch with other people. In fact, you can even…

2. Use TV as a bridge. If you’re having trouble connecting with someone – your sweetheart or your teenager, say -- try joining that person when he or she is watching TV (even if football or Top Chef isn’t necessarily your favorite). Watching TV is companionable, you share an experience, you can comment on the action here and there for a bit of conversation…it’s a way of showing someone that you want his or her company and engaging in a low-key, pleasant, undemanding way. One of my resolutions is to Enter into the interests of other people, and lately I've been trying to show a greater interest in SpongeBob.

3. Record shows. Recording shows allows you to use your time more efficiently. You can skip the commercials and watch a particular show according to your own schedule and mood. Also, interaction with actual real live people is the most important element to happiness, so you don’t want to leave your friend’s house early because you need to get home to catch a show.

4. Don’t record shows. Anticipation is an important aspect of happiness. Looking forward to a certain day and time so will heighten the pleasure you’ll take in your favorite show. And it’s fun to think that you’re sitting down at the same time with people across the country to see what’s next for those crazy kids on Vampire Diaries. Also, you’ll be able to enjoy reading about it right away (see #5), without worrying about spoilers.

5. Enjoy the commercials. This is particularly easy if you rarely watch TV. An enormous amount of ingenuity and creativity goes into commercials, and they can be fascinating if you pay attention.

6. Learn about TV. The more you know about anything, the more interesting it becomes. Read some TV criticism, read some interviews with the creative people involved in the show, become more knowledgeable.

7. Don’t surf. Especially if you’re feeling frazzled and overwhelmed with multi-tasking, sit down, start watching, sink into the experience, and stay on one channel. Let the show unfold in its time slot, don’t keep switching around to catch bits and pieces of other shows. Be a satisficer, not a maximizer.

8. Do surf. One of the joys of watching cable TV is the cornucopia of shows on display. As is oft remarked, “So many channels, yet so little to watch” -- but nevertheless I love seeing the variety of sports, music, pop culture, dance, movies of all sorts, old TV shows, religious programs, history…it’s fascinating. (Btw, surfing is so addictive because of the phenomenon of “intermittent reinforcement”: activities that sometimes, unpredictably, do yield a big, juicy reward – “Look, Tootsie is on! -- and sometimes don’t – “Is this infomercial really the best thing on TV right now?” -- tend to have an addictive quality.)

9. Choose to watch TV. This sounds obvious, but often, we don’t really choose TV, it’s just the easy default activity. Make the effort to ask yourself, “What would I like to do for the next hour?” before you plop down with the remote control.

Bottom line: if you watch TV mindfully and purposefully, it can be a source of happiness, especially if you use it to connect with other people. If you watch it passively, automatically, and for want of anything better to do, it can be a drain on happiness.

Special bonus tip: I've found my resolution to Abandon my self-control to be very helpful. In other words, I try to find external props to direct my actions, instead of relying on my all-too-undependable will-power. If you'd like to watch less television, try putting the remote away in a very inconvenient place, and making yourself put it away every time you use it. If it's a big pain to turn on the TV and to change channels, you might find yourself drifting to other activities that will be more satisfying in the long run.

What have I missed? Do you have other strategies for making sure that TV remains a source of happiness, not a drag on happiness?

* It seems as though there's an app for everything, and I was particularly delighted to see the app Ben's Virtues, based on Benjamin Franklin's 13 Virtues Chart -- the chart that inspired my own Resolutions Chart.

* Speaking of my Resolutions Chart, if you'd like to see a copy, as inspiration for your own happiness project, email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com.

Why Don't Celebrities--Like Katy Perry--Want People to Make Eye Contact? Darshan.

Over the weekend, I was intrigued to see this story in the New York Post: "The ultimate star perk is forbidding eye contact." According to the Smoking Gun, singer Katy Perry’s contract covering her driver provides that the driver isn’t supposed to “stair” (sic) at her in the rear-view mirror.

The piece notes that there have been many similar rumors over the years — that people were prohibited from making eye contact with Luke Perry, Tori Spelling, Sylvester Stallone, and others.

When I read this story, I had a huge rush of intellectual pleasure. Because I think I've figured this out! Darshan.

Years ago, when I was doing the research for my first book, Power Money Fame Sex: A User's Guide, I was struck by how often celebrities made rules about eye contact. Why would they do that? Then I learned about darshan, the Sanskrit term meaning “sight” or “auspicious viewing.” Darshan is the beneficial glow that comes from being in the presence of a great spiritual leader (or holy place or object). Merely looking at such a person – and even better, receiving his or her glance – bestows a blessing. In Vikram Chandra’s terrific novel set in India, Sacred Games, people also sought darshan of a rich and famous mobster.

So when people follow Woody Allen down the street for blocks, or stand outside in the freezing cold to see Barack Obama speak in person instead of watching him on TV, it’s because they want darshan.

I myself don’t have much feeling for darshan, but it’s obvious how eagerly many people seek it out. I clerked for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, and I can testify that a Supreme Court Justice has some mighty darshan. Justices are treated with great deference and respect, but by contrast, TV and movie stars – especially those considered very friendly and accessible – can be overwhelmed by people’s desire for darshan.

Perhaps, if you’re a saint or guru, you aren’t depleted by the act of making eye contact, and some celebrities, politicians, and other prominent people definitely seem to feed off of people’s attention and gaze. But this transfer may explain why some powerful or famous people try to prevent others from make eye contact. The people seeking darshan drain them of their energy.

Have you felt this, yourself? Even in my own, non-celebrity life, I sometimes feel that making eye contact with a person can give a jolt of energy, or more often, drain some energy away. When I’m feeling low, I sometimes struggle with the effort to make eye contact and say hello to an acquaintance on the street.

Darshan and Katy Perry. It makes me so happy to feel that I’ve figured out some particular quirk of human nature. The sense of intellectual satisfaction is so gratifying -- in fact, I suppose, I've organized my entire working life around the search for these moments.

* I always find a lot of funny, thought-provoking posts on Mom-101.

* Join the happiness discussion on Facebook. Lots of interesting conversation there.

8 Reasons Why Twitter Can Boost Your Happiness.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List Day.
This Wednesday: 8 reasons why using Twitter can boost your happiness.

I’m a huge fan of Twitter, and I've tried to persuade several people to give it a try. (My greatest triumph: convincing my sister to use it. Seeing my sister in my Twitter feed -- that makes me very happy.)

We've all seen how Twitter can play an unprecedented role in world events and in news communication. But on a very personal, routine level, there are several (other) ways in which Twitter can boost your happiness. After all, is it just a coincidence that a blue bird is both the symbol for happiness and the symbol for Twitter? Probably yes, I know, but still, it's a happy coincidence.

1. Twitter allows you to pursue your passion – even if only in your imagination. A key to a happier life is to have fun – people who regularly have fun are twenty times as likely to feel happy. As Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi noted in Creativity: Flow and the Psychology of Discovery and Invention: “When something strikes a spark of interest, follow it.”

But sometimes, you don’t have time to pursue your passion as much as you’d like. But if you can’t find the time, or if you’d like to spend even more time on your passion than you do, Twitter is a great source of conversation and ideas. If you love cheese, Mad Men, green technology, college basketball, gardening, kidlit, or just about anything else, you can find other people who are interested in the same thing, day or night. And for that reason, it also makes you happier because…

2. Twitter distracts you if you’re feeling blue. Studies show that distraction is a powerful mood-altering device. (In fact, men’s greater tendency to distract themselves from bad feelings may be one reason they are less prone to depression than women.) If you’re following a bunch of people whose posts interest you, you can always count on finding something that will catch your attention. It can distract you, and also…

3. Twitter can get you laughing. If you follow some people who are very funny, you can count on getting a little boost when you need it. Reading 140 characters takes just a few seconds, but it's enough to re-direct your mood. My current favorite – forgive me, my beloved Laura Ingalls Wilder – @HalfPintIngalls.

4. Twitter helps you maintain loose relationships and strengthen strong relationships. One hot debate is whether technology will change Dunbar’s number – can you really handle more than 150 friends? Maybe not. But whether or not you can have more “friends,” technology certainly allows you to keep a better handle on acquaintances and virtual acquaintances. Far more than ever before, I’m vaguely aware of a huge number of people, some of whom I “know” and some I don’t “know,” and although that sounds overwhelming, it makes my life warmer and richer. Twitter, along with Facebook, blogs, Tumblr, and all the rest, allow me to keep a little connection with lots of people without much effort.

5. Twitter lets you help other people. Do good, feel good. If you have friends who raise money for a charity, who write books or articles, who perform music, who advocate for a cause, or otherwise want to direct attention someplace – or if you want to help strangers who are doing these things -- Twitter lets you shine a spotlight on their activities or on issues that you think are important. I periodically try to persuade people to commit to being organ donors. Writers often say to me, “I don’t want to use Twitter because I don’t want to promote my work all the time.” Fine – so support the work of people you admire! Tweet about them.

6. Twitter lets you conquer a device. Mastering a new technology – whatever the technology is -- contributes to the atmosphere of growth in your life, and that boosts happiness. Because social connections are a key (perhaps the key to happiness), the fact that Twitter technology connects people makes this effect even more intense.

7. Twitter lets you share those funny little observations that float through your head. In the same way that carrying a camera sharpens your eye, knowing that you can communicate your clever aperçus makes you more observant and wittier.

8. Twitter makes gathering information easier. If you follow people who share your passion, they’ll help you keep abreast of everything happening in that area. And if you have a general question, crowd-sourcing it to Twitter is a great way to get an answer. When I wanted a suggestion for artists who create miniature scenes, or an explanation for “steampunk,” I got answers right away. Most of all, Twitter is a super-efficient way to find out what other people find interesting.

HOWEVER...

These are ways that Twitter can boost your happiness. Now, Twitter has one major drawback for happiness: it uses up time, and time is in short supply for most of us. It’s true, it’s an efficient way to scan headlines, keep up with passions, and connect with people, but the fact is, it may tempt you to spend too much time using it, or to use it to procrastinate from other, less enticing work. It may eat up your time so that you have less time for face-to-face encounters with real people.

Like most things, Twitter is a good servant but a bad master, and you have to figure out how to keep it under control. No staying up past your bedtime to read your feed. That said, it's worth figuring out how to work Twitter into your life.

If you're intrigued, but you don’t know how to use Twitter, check out Twitip by ProBlogger’s Darren Rowse.

Once you're on Twitter, follow me at @gretchenrubin.

* My younger daughter and I were reading the Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale, The Nightingale, and it occurred to me that although I'd often read about the nightingale's song, I had never actually heard a nightingale sing. And here it is! I love the internet.

* Need an idea for a good gift for Mother's Day? Let me suggest...you guessed it...The Happiness Project! Can't resist adding: #1 New York Times bestseller.
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

Why Do I Feel Such Intense Happiness at the Thought of This Piece of Public Art?

Assay: I have a friend who is a working artist. She told me, “When I was starting out, I made money by working as a receptionist at a gallery. When my art career advanced enough so that I could quit that job, another artist friend told me, ‘Now you’ll be working all the time.’”

“What exactly does that mean?” I asked.

“He meant – I have to be looking, thinking, all the time. I have to notice and consider my reactions to everything. Why do I love this display of Christmas lights? What makes this restaurant so ugly?”

I’ve noticed a similar thing happen to me, with happiness. Now, whenever I feel a surge or drop in my happiness, I think: What’s happening, what triggered that? If I’m feeling happier, how can I ramp it up? Why do I suddenly feel blue? I’m trying to be more mindful about my fleeting reactions to thoughts and experiences, and I’m often surprised by what I notice.

For example, I found myself thinking about a famous piece of public art -- a luggage trolley apparently halfway through a brick wall at London's King's Cross station.

If you’re not a Harry Potter fan, the trolley is a reference to the fact that when magical children leave London to go to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, they take a special train, the Hogwarts Express, which boards from Platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross. One of the first things Harry Potter does as part of the magical world is to run through a brick wall to get to the platform hidden between 9 and 10.

This public sculpture doesn’t just make me mildly happy. I love it; I get choked up thinking about it. It gives me a feeling of elevation – one of the most delicate pleasures the world offers. So, I ask: why does it make me feel this way?

First, it’s a celebration of something I particularly love, children’s literature. Second, it’s an acknowledgment that the love for Harry Potter is so ubiquitous that this artifact makes sense. We all love Harry Potter! And I love the collision of literature and real life. And this trolley sculpture is so funny, so playful.

How could I dwell on this happiness? One of my resolutions is to Find an area of refuge, and I’ve spent quite a lot of mental energy, in the last few days, fantasizing about what delightful surprises I would plant around New York City, in the manner of the Kings Cross trolley.

All my examples comes from beloved classics of children’s literature; it would be just as fun to have examples from adult fiction, but I couldn’t think of any.

This is what I would install:

From Roald Dahl’s James and the Giant Peach, in Central Park: a giant peach pit, with a door and a nameplate reading “James Henry Trotter.” I’m actually surprised this doesn’t already exist.

From E. L. Konigsburg’s From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, in the Metropolitan Museum of Art: a book bag tucked behind a drape behind a statue from the Middle Ages. And also in the Met…

From Jacqueline Preiss Weitzman’s You Can't Take a Balloon into the Metropolitan Museum: a yellow helium balloon tied to the outside stair railing. This would be so inexpensive and fun!

From Sydney Taylor’s All-of-a-Kind Family, in the Children’s Room at a branch of the New York Public Library in the Lower East Side: a copy of Peter and Polly in Winter, placed in the “Returns” section.

In a similar project, a few years ago, I made a long list of children’s books and where they take place in New York City. In many cases, a reader can locate the character exactly, like Louise Fitzhugh’s Harriet the Spy who spies on 84th and East End, and Peter Hatcher, from Judy Blume’s Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, who lives at 25 W. 68th Street.

I used to try to stop myself from spending the time and energy on making these kinds of lists, but now I let myself Take notes without a purpose. In fact, I spend hours taking notes without a purpose. Or, I should say, without a known purpose. Why should I take the time to dream up New York City public installations to celebrate children’s literature? Why not? It makes me so happy! Taking notes is how I think, I’ve realized, and these days, I let myself go, and try not to worry about efficiency.

New York City did rise to occasion of the release of the movie of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1, with a sign at Union Station.

I love New York City, and I love Harry Potter. It makes me so very, very happy to see something like this.

And now I’m off to try to think of more additions to my list. Any suggestions?

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month’s material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com (don't forget the "1). Just write “newsletter” in the subject line.

Kristin Davis Talks About the TV Comedy, "The Happiness Project," on the Craig Ferguson Show!

Very exciting -- plans are underway to make a single-camera, half-hour comedy TV show based on The Happiness Project. With Kristin Davis to star!

Kristin Davis appeared on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, and she talked about the possible show.

I still can't quite believe this project is underway. It still has a long way to go, so keep your fingers crossed.

* Join the Facebook Page! Lots of interesting discussion there.

What's Your Six-Word Secret of Happiness?

Since I started my happiness project, I've found that when I distill an idea into a short, memorable phrase, I do a better job of remembering and following it. For that reason, I work hard to capture my ideas succinctly. Examples:

• The days are long, but the years are short.
• Outer order contributes to inner calm.
• Happy people make people happy -- but you can't make someone be happy.
• Accept myself, and expect more from myself.
• Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy.
• Flawed can be more perfect than perfection.
• Be selfless, if only for selfish reasons.
• Make people happier by acknowledging that they're not feeling happy.
• Succeed by failing.
• Be serious about play.

Along these lines, I'm teaming up with Smith Magazine, home of the fabulous Six Word Memoir. Now you can Share your six words on the secrets to happiness. How would you sum up what you've learned about happiness in six words (or less)? It's a fascinating, thought-provoking exercise. I just checked out the site (again), and some recent additions include:

• Worrying does not change a thing.
• The cool side of the pillow.
• Life is my canvas. I create.
• Patronize only Mom and Pop establishments.
• Justice, mercy, humility. Oh, and booze.
• Plagiarize Shakespeare. Write yourself a sonnet.
• Simple happiness growing complicated every day.
• Be completely, absolutely, positively, totally unsure.
• Tea, chocolate and a good book.

Lytton Strachey observed, "Perhaps the best test of a man's intelligence is his capacity for making a summary." The discipline of using six words helps make ideas stand out more starkly. Also, this kind of exercise is a terrific way to end the year and to head into 2011. It's a creative, fresh way to think about yourself, your nature, and what's important to you.

Check it out, and add your own secrets, here. I can't wait to read more.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* If you're looking for ways to track and keep your resolutions, check out my companion website, the Happiness Project Toolbox. Eight free tools to help you start and track your own happiness project.

I Was on the Today Show!

I was thrilled to be on the Today Show to talk about holiday stress.

Ann Curry interviewed me back in January, when The Happiness Project first came out (here's that video). I really enjoyed doing that segment, so I was very happy to be speaking to her again.

With me was Dr. Catherine Birndorf -- which was a lot of fun, because not only is she the co-author of a book on happiness, The Nine Rooms of Happiness, she's also a good friend! So the conversation was fun and not too stressful -- very appropriate, given that we were talking about how to avoid stress.

* Join the happiness discussion on the Facebook Page.

"Sometimes You Have To Work Through Pain To Get To Happiness."

Happiness interview: Theo Pauline Nestor.

Through a group of great writers that I've gotten to know, I "met" (virtually) Theo Pauline Nestor. I immediately wanted to read her book, How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, because it's a memoir of divorce -- and one of my happiness-project resolutions is to Read memoirs of catastrophe.

I loved this memoir and read it in two days. Divorce is a major happiness challenge, and Theo's account of how she got through it, and made her way back to happiness, is riveting.

Theo also has a great blog, Writing Is My Drink, where she writes about books and writing -- two of my favorite subjects.

What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Walking in the woods. There’s a trail about 10 minutes from my house that takes about an hour to walk. Most of the way, the trail winds through a mix of deciduous and evergreens but halfway through it breaks into an open meadow overlooking the water. Whenever I reach that water view, I feel happier. I try to keep a pair of sneakers in the car so when I have a spare hour, I can nip over there for a quick walk.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Oh boy, yes. The first thing I didn’t know was that sometimes you have to work through pain to get to happiness. When I was 18, there were many things that had made me sad that I hadn’t identified, and so while I was very capable of having “fun,” I had a fairly low general happiness level. In my case, I had to root out some of that sadness (through therapy), so that I could be happier.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Yes! Here’s the short list: worrying, obsessing, stressing, forgetting to breathe, spending too much time on the computer.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “There is only love.”)
“Mind your own business,” is something I say to myself quite often. While it sounds rather rough, it helps raise my overall happiness level. Sometimes, I obsess about the actions and non-actions of others—someone did something that bothers me, someone else didn’t do something I think they should have. “Mind your own business” reminds me to bring the focus back to myself and what I can change and control. It also can stop me from judging others, which never makes me happy. [I love this! I've been thinking a lot lately about how to stop being judgmental, and this is a great reminder.]

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
One of my comfort activities is watching TV shows on DVD’s. I don’t normally watch much TV, partly because I don’t have time and partly because some of the shows I really like (Mad Men, Weeds) aren’t appropriate for kids. It’s a big treat to be home all alone and make a cup of tea and watch TV shows for an hour or two.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
The people I know who are most contented are those who have work that is an expression of who they truly are. Yes, family’s important too and a good relationship. But work is at least 40 hours a week (many more for some), and if you love your work, you’ve got a leg up on feeling good about life.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
A few times I have been unhappy in my life because I lived in a place where I had little in common with most of the people around me. In those cases, moving away from those places to places where I was able to meet like-minded people brought up my happiness level overnight.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I work on being happier by letting go of the desire to change and control others. It was through attending Al-Anon that I realized that this desire to control was stopping me from living my own life and enjoying it. Learning to take the focus off of others and put it on the job ahead of me has been—and will continue to be--an ongoing process. I also work on being happy by working on my long-term goals. While it’s important to have fun and relax, a lot of satisfaction for me comes when I’ve accomplished something that I’ve long worked for. I am a big believer in delayed gratification.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
Yes. Last year a few new babies came into my social circle, and I decided that whenever someone I know has a baby, I would make them a blanket. I’ve never really done much sewing, but these are very simple, and I’ve found it very satisfying to pick out the material, sew the blankets, and then send them off to their new owners. It makes me really happy. I even have a picture of one of the babies with her blanket on my phone and every time I look at it, I smile.

* Books make a great gift. If you need a book suggestion, try using the Recomm-engine on the site She Writes. Type in info about the recipient where it asks, "+ Who is the book for?" and get great suggestions.

* Want to launch a group for people doing happiness projects together? Email me at grubin @ gretchenrubin dot com. Just write “starter kit” in the subject line.