The Happiness Project

Do You Have The "Quality Of Keeping People Together"?

Assay: Recently, when I was rereading Gertrude Stein's The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas, I was very struck by this observation about the French poet Guillaume Apollinaire:

The death of Guillaume Apollinaire at this time made a very serious difference to all his friends apart from their sorrow at his death. It was the moment just after the war when many things had changed and people naturally fell apart. Guillaume would have been a bond of union, he always had a quality of keeping people together, and now that he was gone everybody ceased to be friends.

The "quality of keeping people together" seems an important and rare attribute, and although it doesn't come naturally to me, I'm trying to do a better job of it myself, and also to appreciate more the work of the Apollinaire-ish types whose efforts benefit me.

This quality has been on my mind since the sad occasion of a memorial service of a friend. I knew her in a work context, but at the service, I realized from the tributes of her college friends that, along with many other wonderful traits, she had the "quality of keeping people together" from that time.

My sister is this way, too, and from watching her in action, I know how much energy and time it takes to act like glue, to make the efforts that allow people to stay close.

Who coaxes people into showing up to the reunion? Who remembers everyone's birthdays, and insists that everyone get together to mark the occasion? Who plans the promotion celebration? Who organizes the group wedding gift? Who keeps track of everyone's addresses? Who sends out the group emails? It doesn't sound very hard—until you're the one doing it.

And although it's a lot of work, it's all too easy for people to take these efforts for granted, or not to realize how important one person is to the strength of a particular web of relationships. In fact, that person might well be teased for these efforts, and instead of people being appreciative and cooperative, they might act jaded and superior to such gung-ho antics.

Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree: one of the keys—perhaps the key—to happiness is strong relationships, and the often unsung work of such folks to keep up a "bond of union" makes a tremendous difference to everyone in their circles.

How about you? Do you have the "quality of keeping people together"? Do you feel that your efforts are appreciated? If you don't naturally play this role, have you found strategies to work at it?

* I love cruising around Parent Hacks—which "collects and shares parents' tips, recommendations, and bits of wisdom—their hacks—so we can all benefit."

* Want a happiness quotation in your email inbox every morning? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Happiness Challenge: Saying the Right Thing.

Assay: I get a tremendous intellectual and emotional satisfaction when I hear someone give exactly the right answer to a difficult question. I was trying to remember some of my favorite examples of this kind of response, because just thinking about them makes me happy.

Here are four examples that sprang to mind.

1. My very favorite parenting book (its principles that apply equally to adults) is Faber and Mazlish’s How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, and I also love their book, Siblings Without Rivalry. It has a terrific section about dealing with a child who says, "You love Joe more than me!" The authors point out that the answer "I love you both equally" isn't satisfying, because we all crave to be loved uniquely. They tell a story to give an example from the adult context. When a wife turned to her husband and said, "Whom do you live more? Your mother or me?" she didn't want to hear him say, "I love you both the same." Instead he said, "My mother is my mother. You're the fascinating, sexy woman I want to spend the rest of my life with." Good answer!

2. A few days before my wedding, I was in high-anxiety mode about all the details and all the opportunities for disaster. (Among other things, I was very preoccupied with the fear that my veil would come off my head during the ceremony. Have you ever heard of this happening?). My mother listened patiently for a while, then observed, “The things that go wrong often make the best memories.” This instantly comforted me.

3. In Piers Anthony's fantasy novel, A Spell for Chameleon, Bink despairs because he doesn't know what kind of magic he possesses. To learn the answer, he goes to the Good Magician Humpfrey, who will answer a question in exchange for a year's servitude. While there, Bink meets a manticora who is almost at the end of its service.

"What question did you bring?" Brink asks.
"I asked whether I have a soul," the monster said seriously.
..."What did he tell you?"
"That only those who possess souls are concerned about them."
"But—but then you never needed to ask. You paid a year for nothing."
"No. I paid a year for everything...A simple yes or no answer would not have satisfied me; it could be a blind guess, or merely the Magician's off-hand opinion. A detailed technical treatise would merely have obfuscated the matter. Humfrey phrased it in such a way that its truth was self-evident. Now I need never doubt again."

4. My husband and I were working on a project with several other people. After we all received a certain email, one person meant to forward the group message just to my husband and me, with a critical comment about it. Alas, he made the classic mistake and hit “reply all.” He sent a nice note to the people who might’ve been annoyed, and then sent another note to us to lament what had happened. My husband sent back what seemed to me to be a simple and perfect response: “We’ve all done it.”

When I thought about why I found these answers so deeply satisfying, I realized they shared certain qualities.

First, they acknowledge the reality of other people's feelings. "Don't be silly" or "It's all going to be fine" denies that a person is feeling worried. Whether or not they should be worried, they are.

Along the same line, they don't argue that a person's concern is unfounded. Hearing "Oh, it doesn't matter" isn't very comforting when you're feeling anxious. These responses put the issue in a helpful perspective.

Importantly, the answers also have the ring of deep truth. A comforting truth is truly comforting, while a flip "Why are you worried about it?" often just makes a person feel worse.

Have you ever heard someone make just the right response? Even better, have you ever felt that you had exactly the right words to offer?

* If you haven't visited Neil Pasricha's 1000 Awesome Things, check it out. An instant happiness booster.

* My next book, Happier at Home, is at the copy-editing stage now—which is both exciting and terrifying. If you'd like to be notified when the book becomes available, sign up here. It's thrilling to have a new book coming out.

The Key to Happiness: Love.

2011 Happiness Challenge: It's the last video for the 2011 Challenge! Hard to believe that the year is almost over. Please sign up for the 2012 Happiness Challenge here -- whether you've been part of it already, or you're joining for the first time. You're not behind, just jump in now.

For the last month of this year, instead of tackling a theme, I've been discussing a common question: What is the key to happiness? That's a question that can be answered in different ways, depending on what framework you use to address the issue of happiness. The resolution for each week reflects that week's answer. Last week's answer was First things first.

This week’s answer is Love.

Love

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Which "love language" suits you and your sweetheart?
Happiness myth No. 10: It's selfish to try to be happier.
Quiz: Do you make other people happy?

The format of the weekly videos will change in 2012. Instead of proposing resolutions, I'm going to talk about a different Pigeon of Discontent. Finding manageable ways to rid ourselves of those small, nagging problems can bring surprisingly large boosts in happiness.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2012 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. You can check out the archives of videos here.

* I love cruising around Tina Roth Eisenberg's design blog Swiss Miss. I particularly enjoy the category "Made me smile."

* Join the happiness conversation on Facebook.

Respond To The Spirit Of A Gift.

December is the month of gift-giving, and my birthday falls in December, so I get practically all my gifts during this month.

Often when I read, I’m struck by a particular passage without understanding why it has caught my attention, then over time, its significance becomes clear. I’ve read Story of a Soul, the spiritual memoir of St. Thérèse of Lisieux (my spiritual master), several times. Recently, I suddenly realized why I kept thinking about one particular paragraph.

Its context: one day in 1897, when she in her early twenties, and weakened by the tuberculosis that would soon kill her, Thérèse was sitting in her wheelchair in the garden of her convent. Ordered by her Prioress to complete an account of her childhood memories, she was trying unsuccessfully to write:

When I begin to take up my pen, behold a Sister who passes by, a pitchfork on her shoulder. She believes she will distract me with a little idle chatter: hay, ducks, hens, visits of the doctor, everything is discussed…another hay worker throws flowers on my lap, perhaps believing these will inspire me with poetic thoughts. I am not looking for them at the moment and would prefer to see the flowers remain swaying on their stems…

…

I don’t know if I have been able to write ten lines without being disturbed…however, for the love of God and my Sisters (so charitable toward me) I take care to appear happy and especially to be so. For example, here is a hay worker who is just leaving me after having said very compassionately: “Poor little Sister, it must tire you out writing like that all day long.” “Don’t worry,” I answer, “I appear to be writing very much, but really I am writing almost nothing.” “Very good!” she says, “but just the same, I am very happy we are doing the haying since this always distracts you a little.” In fact, it is such a great distraction for me…that I am not telling any lies when I say that I am writing practically nothing.

St. Thérèse emphasizes the importance of accepting gifts in the spirit in which they’re offered, instead of responding to the gift itself. She doesn’t want to be distracted with chit-chat; she wants to write. She doesn’t want a bouquet in her lap; she wants to see wild flowers growing in the fields. But she “takes care to appear happy and especially to be so.”

One memory that makes me squirm is that once, several years ago, my husband brought home a big gardenia plant. I love gardenias.

“Thanks,” I said weakly. “It’s so…big.” Inside, my thoughts were about my own limitations: “Where will I put it to display it properly? Can I take care of it? I’m sure to kill it in just a few days, as I always do, and that will be so upsetting. What a waste.”

Gifts often strike strange chords in us. Andy Warhol observed, “You can never predict what little things in the way somebody looks or talks or acts will set off peculiar emotional reactions in other people.” The gift set off a reaction of self-doubt, so I didn’t respond with the enthusiasm that such a thoughtful gift should have provoked. My husband knew I loved gardenias, so he bought me the biggest one he could find! I should’ve taken care to appear happy and especially to be so. Now I think of that gift every time I see a gardenia.

(Reacting to the spirit of a well-intentioned gift wasn’t the same as reacting to a passive-aggressive gift. My friend’s mother thinks she needs to lose weight, so she’s given her running clothes, a certificate for ten spinning classes, and an electronic calories tracker—none of which were appreciated.)

“Respond to the spirit of a gift” is a resolution that’s so obviously right that I shouldn’t have to remind myself of it—but I do.

How about you? Have you ever had trouble responding to the spirit of a gift?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* I don't read every post on Tyler Cowen's blog, Marginal Revolution, but when he writes about something interesting to me, it's very interesting.

* Do you love quotes as much as I do? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, a daily happiness quote in in your email inbox. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Which 'Love Language' Suits You? And Your Partner?

Over the weekend, I read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, and I found it fascinating. (I have to confess: the book caught my attention because it's always clustered near, and above, The Happiness Project on the New York Times bestseller list.)

One of the tensions within happiness, for me, is that I’m both more like other people than I suppose, and less like other people than I suppose. For instance, I thought I was the only person who struggled to spend out, but now I realize that many people feel this, too. Same with drift. I’d suffered from drift in my life, but I didn’t realize how many others had also found themselves drifting.

On the other hand, it’s easy to assume that other people are like me, when they really aren’t. Until I understood the abstainer/moderator split, I couldn’t understand why moderators didn’t just give up their temptations cold turkey. Or why Eeyores clung so tightly to their worldview.

The Five Love Languages argues that people express love in different ways, and people feel loved in different ways. These five types of expression and perception are the five “love languages.” According to Chapman, people feel loved when a partner expresses love in the language that is natural to the recipient. If love is expressed in a different language, that message of love isn’t received.

The five “languages” are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch (not the same as sex)

If one partner expresses love as “Acts of Service,"” but the other needs “Quality Time” to feel loved, they’ll both feel frustrated. Or if a partner expresses love with “Gifts” to a partner who needs "Words of Affirmation," that expression of love won't be understood.

Chapman argues that in a relationship, we should figure out what language makes our partner feel loved, and provide that; even if we’re acting very lovingly according to our own standards, if it’s not what a partner needs, it won’t make that partner feel loved.

How do you figure out your partner’s mode? Ask yourself: what does my partner complain about? What does he or she value? “We never spend any time together” and “We never talk” signal “Quality Time.” A partner who treasures every gift that’s made, large and small, and is very hurt when a gift isn’t given, speaks the language of “Receiving Gifts.”

What’s most interesting to me is the reverse thinking that this argument requires. You ask yourself not, “How do I like to express love?” but “What makes my partner feel loved?” You must shape your expression to suit someone else.

A person might argue that a partner’s “language” doesn’t come naturally to them—“I’m not the touchy-feely type” or “I’m too frugal to spend a lot of money on presents.” Chapman’s view is: find a way. Unless you speak the proper language, your message of love won’t be heard.

Under this framework, I think I’m “Quality Time," but I'm a bit unsettled by the fact that I can't identify my husband's. “Acts of Service”? "Words of Affirmation"? I need to figure that out. Of course, to be on the safe side, probably best to use all five, as often as humanly possible.

Self-knowledge is crucial to happiness, and I think this way of looking at love within relationships is very useful—both to understand ourselves better, and our partners. And even outside a romantic relationship, it’s an interesting way to view differences among people’s thinking.

* Bob Sutton's blog Work Matters is consistently interesting, and I was particularly intrigued by a recent post Bad is stronger than good: why eliminating the negative is more important than accentuating the positive. Many implications for happiness.

* If you'd like a copy of my Resolution Chart, for inspiration, email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

The Key to Happiness: Strong Relationships.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! Last month's theme was Gratitude, and last week’s resolution was to Remember the dog that doesn't bark. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

For the last month of this year, instead of tackling a theme, I'm going to discuss a question: What is the key to happiness? That's a question that can be answered in different ways, depending on what framework you use to address the issue of happiness. The resolution for each week will reflect that week's answer.

This week's answer to the question, "What is the key to happiness?" is: Strong relationships.

Build Strong Relationships(1)

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
8 tips for maintaining friendships.
Bob Dylan helps me recognize a paradox of happiness.
8 tips for making friends.
Be happier: kiss more, hug more, touch more.

How about you? Do you agree that strong relationships are the key to happiness? What steps do you take to build or strengthen your ties to other people?

If you're new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I'll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* I always love to visit Dan Pink's blog. He is unfailingly interesting.

* My whole family loves Page-a-Day calendars, so it was a real thrill for me to do The Happiness Project Page-a-Day Calendar. Check it out!

Why "Twilight" Inspired Me To Do Better With My Resolutions.

Assay: I'm a huge fan of Twilight (books and movies)—a fact about myself that continues to fascinate and puzzle me. Last night, I went to see the fourth movie in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn, which inspired me to look back at a post I wrote two years ago. I really love that post, so here it is again.

*
Following my resolution to Enter into other people’s interests, last week I watched the movie Twilight with my older daughter. This wasn’t a sacrifice for me; I love Stephenie Meyer's books (oh, how I love children’s and young-adult literature), so I was curious to see the movie.

I found the movie interesting for many reasons not relevant here (other than to say I’m thinking about Jung generally, Frazier’s The Golden Bough, and George Orwell’s discussion of “good bad poetry” in his essay, “Rudyard Kipling”), but in particular, I loved the depiction of wordless, instantaneous, passionate love.

Many of my happiness-project resolutions are meant to help me be more tender, more loving, more-lighthearted, more appreciative…more romantic.

My husband and I met when we were in law school. I still remember the first time I saw him walk into the library—a shock ran through me, and I could practically feel my pupils dilate. He was wearing jeans and a rose-colored Patagonia pull-over (which I still keep in my closet). I walked over to a friend and whispered casually, “Who is that guy?”

Our law school is small, and our social circles magically started to overlap, so I met him, and my crush deepened. One important night, we sat next to each other at a dinner party. There was that afternoon when we ran into each other on the law-school staircase in front of the stained-glass windows.

But he had a girlfriend, and I had a boyfriend. Then he broke up with his girlfriend. A week later, on May 1 (I just looked up the exact date in my calendar), I broke up with my boyfriend. It happened in the morning, and I went out into the courtyard and made a general announcement of the break-up to a bunch of friends—to see what his reaction would be.

No reaction. “Hmmmm,” I thought. “Maybe I misread this situation.” Had I imagined what I thought was between us? After all, the two of us had never talked about anything of importance, certainly not about “us”; we’d never spent any time alone, only in chaperoned groups (except that once he’d asked me to breakfast at the Copper Kitchen before our Corporations class, an occasion so thrilling to me in prospect that I slept only a few hours the night before); and neither of us had ever made even the smallest romantic overture toward each other.

But that same afternoon after my break-up, he told me he was going to walk to Wawa’s (the New Haven version of QuikTrip) to get a Coke, and did I want to come? I did. We walked to Wawa’s, then back to the law school, and sat on a bench beneath some blooming magnolia trees. He said something completely incoherent, then took my hand; this was the first time we ever touched. At that moment, if he’d asked me to marry him, I wouldn’t have been at all surprised, and I might well have said “Yes.” (We did get engaged several months later.)

Now, so many years later, is it the same? Yes and no. Yes, because I still love him passionately, and more deeply, because I know him so much better. No, because he pervades my entire life, so now sometimes it’s hard to see him. Married people are so intertwined, so interdependent, so symbiotic, that it’s hard to maintain that sense of wonder and excitement.

If I’ve learned one thing from my happiness project, it’s that if I want my life to be a certain way, I must be that way myself. If I want my marriage to be tender and romantic, I must be tender and romantic.

Am I tender and romantic? Am I appreciative, thoughtful, forbearing, fun-loving? Or do I march around the apartment snapping out reminders and orders? Am I quick to feel annoyed or aggrieved? When we first met, I honestly wondered whether it would ever be possible for me to read when we were sitting in a room together; I found it so hard to concentrate that I couldn’t make sense of anything more complicated than the newspaper. Now, I find it hard to tear myself away from my work and my email to hold up my end of a marital conversation.

So, inspired by the springtime, and the memories of early love brought back to me by Twilight, I’m going to redouble my usual efforts to keep my resolutions related to love. Think of small treats or courtesies. Leave things unsaid. Give proofs of love. Don’t expect praise. Take time to be silly. Fight right.

Have you found any good ways to stay tender and romantic in a long relationship?

Here, to me, is the great mystery: we’re perfectly suited to each other—but how did we fall in love before we knew each other at all? How is that possible?

* The movie also reminded me to Be Gretchen and accept my taste in music. I loved the song from the Twilight piano scene, "Bella's Lullaby," and instead of dismissing that pleasure, I let myself enjoy it—and in the process, came across this engaging post by the composer Carter Burwell. (To listen to the song, listen to the clip on his post, or this preview.)

It reminds me of another soundtrack song I love, The Promise, from the mind-blowing movie The Piano. The pairing of the two songs/movies is interesting, because The Piano is about wordless passion between adults, with their complications, instead of teenagers.

* Join the happiness discussion on Facebook.

Forget a Name? 6 Tips for Faking It.

I have a lot of trouble remembering people's names. (My husband, on other hand, is freakily good at remembering names and faces -- a very handy virtue in a spouse.)

Also, I often have trouble remembering why someone looks familiar. Several years ago, while at crowded birthday party for a three-year-old, I was on the brink of going over to some little kid’s father to say, “I think we went to college together.” Turns out it was Dylan McDermott!

So I’ve developed some strategies for coping with the fact that I’m not able to pull up a person’s name right away. Of course, you can always just say politely, "I'm sorry, I don't recall your name," but if you'd rather try to disguise your forgetfulness, give these a try:

1. The “I know your name, but I’m blocked” dodge:
“I keep wanting to call you 'David,' but I know that’s not right.”

2. The “Of course I know you -- in fact, I want all your information” dodge:
“Hey, I’d love to get your card.”

3. The “The tip of my tongue” dodge:
“I know I know your name, but I’m blanking right now.”

4. The “You’re brilliant!” dodge:
“Wow, you have a terrific memory. I can’t believe you remember my name from that meeting six months ago. I can’t remember the names of people I met yesterday! So of course I have to ask you your name.”

5. The “Sure, I remember you” dodge:
(Advanced) “Remind me – what’s your last name?” If you ask a person for his last name, he’s likely to repeat both names. “Doe, John Doe.”

6. The “One-sided introduction” dodge:
“Hey,” you say to the person whose name you can’t remember, “let me introduce you to Pat Smith.” You introduce the two and say the name of the person whose name you remember. Almost always, the nameless person will volunteer his or her name.

Also, remember that others might have trouble remembering your name. When you’re saying hello to someone, err on the side of re-introducing yourself. “Hi, John, it’s Gretchen Rubin.” Say your name slowly and clearly. And don’t get offended if someone doesn’t remember your name!

How about you? Do you have trouble remembering names? If so, have you found any good strategies for doing a better job of remembering them -- or pretending to remember them?

* A thoughtful reader sent the link to this post by Tracy Benjamin on HomeFries about tackling paper and piles. I'm so interested in clutter -- how to recognize it, how to fight it, and its strangely powerful influence on happiness. It was very fun to see my book on the top of the pile on a bedside table.

* If you're looking for a good book, please consider The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.

9 Tips for Dealing with Difficult Relatives Over the Holidays.

For many people, the holidays are a joyous time; other people dread them. If you anticipate that you might have to spend time with difficult relatives, here are some strategies for keeping family dinners pleasant:

1. Before you walk into the situation, spend a few minutes thinking about how you want to behave. Don’t just react in the moment; consider how you want to act. If you’ve had unpleasant experiences in the past, think about why they were unpleasant and what you could do to change the dynamics of the situation. You may just need to be more careful about getting enough sleep or giving yourself more travel time. If you want a peaceful dinner, think about how to contribute to a harmonious atmosphere. In particular…

2. Think about how topics that seem innocuous to you might upset someone else. You may think you’re showing a polite interest, but some questions will rub a person the wrong way: “So do you have a boyfriend yet?” “When are you two going to get married/start a family?” “Didn’t you give up smoking?” “Can you afford that?” “When are you going to get a real job?” Show an interest with more open-ended questions, like “What are you up to these days?” or “What’s keeping you busy?” Also…

3. Avoid strife. Some families enjoy arguing passionately amongst themselves; however, most don’t handle arguments very well. If you know Uncle Bob’s view of politics are going to drive you crazy, don’t bring it up! And if he brings it up, you don’t have to engage. Try to make a joke of it, and say something like, “Let’s agree to disagree,” “Let’s not talk about that, and give the rest of the family something to be thankful for,” etc. There's a time and a place for everything.

4. Don’t drink much alcohol. It can seem festive and fun to fill up your glass, but it’s easy to lose track of how much you’re drinking. Alcohol makes some people feel merry, but it also makes some people feel combative, or self-pitying, or lowers their inhibitions in a destructive way. I basically had to give up drinking because alcohol makes me so belligerent. And if other people seem to be trying to avoid or curb their drinking, don't make a big deal of it or urge them to indulge.

5. As best you can, play your part in the tradition. For some people, traditions are very, very important; for others, no. You may feel irritated by your brother’s insistence on having exactly the same food every Thanksgiving, or by your mother’s extreme reaction to the possibility that you might not come home for the day. Try to be patient and play your part. In the long run, traditions and rituals tend to help sustain happiness and family bonds. On the other hand...

6. On the other hand, if you’re the one who wants everything to be perfect, try to ease up on yourself and everyone else, so you can enjoy the day, whatever happens. Make the best of the situation. Even f the day isn't exactly the way you hoped it would be, try to enjoy what it is. My mother once told me, "The things that go wrong often make the best memories," and it's really true.

7. Don’t stuff yourself. Research shows that in fact, most people add just one pound during the holidays – but then they never lose it. You’ll have more fun if you’re not feeling uncomfortably full and then guilty about having eaten too much. Think about strategies for staying in control of holiday eating; feeling bad about having eaten too much can make you feel irritable and angry, which spills over into your interactions with other people. And, in the same vein as #4, if you notice that someone is skipping the mashed potatoes or skimping on dessert, don't comment or make it harder for them.

8. Find some fun. One of my Secrets of Adulthood is Just because something is fun for someone else doesn't mean it's fun for you, and vice versa. If the time with your relatives is meant to be fun, make sure you're spending at least some time doing something that's fun for you. Working in the kitchen, playing touch football, sitting around talking, running errands, watching TV -- these things may or may not be fun for you, no matter how the rest of the family feels.

9. Find reasons to be grateful. Be thankful that you get to cook, or that you don’t have to cook. Be thankful that you get to travel, or that you don’t have to travel. Be thankful for your family or your friends. Find something. Studies show that gratitude is a major happiness booster. Also, feeling grateful toward someone crowds out emotions like resentment and annoyance.

Wait, you might be thinking, these strategies don't tell me how to deal with my difficult relatives -- they tell you how to behave myself. Well, guess what! You can't do anything to change what your difficult relatives are going to do; you can only change yourself. Also, in many situations, people behave in a difficult way in reaction to something else. So you may think your niece flies off the handle without any reason, but she's furious because she thinks you're needling her about her appearance. If you behave differently, she will too.

Have you found any helpful strategies for dealing with a difficult Thanksgiving situation? What more would you add?

* Get a happiness quotation in your email inbox every morning -- sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Hug More, Kiss More, Touch More.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! This month’s theme is the Five Senses, and last week’s resolution was to Cultivate good smells. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is to Hug more, kiss more, touch more (appropriately, of course). This is one of my very favorite resolutions.

Hug more, kiss more, touch more.

(Sorry about the mediocre sound quality -- microphone troubles, now fixed.)

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Kiss more, hug more, touch more.
Making home happier: give warm greetings and farewells.
Act the way you want to feel.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I'll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* Is your book group reading The Happiness Project? Email me if you'd like the one-page discussion guide -- or the discussion guide for spirituality book groups, Bible study groups, and the like -- at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com. Happy reading!