The Happiness Project

To Be Happier, Write Your Own Set of Personal Commandments.

One of the most challenging—and most helpful and fun—tasks that I've done as part of my Happiness Project is to write my Twelve Personal Commandments. These aren't specific resolutions, like make my bed, but the overarching principles by which I try to live my life.

It took me several months to come up with this list, and it has been very useful for me to have them identified clearly in my mind. It's a creative way of distilling core values.

To get you started as you think about your own commandments, here are my Twelve Commandments:

1. Be Gretchen.
2. Let it go.
3. Act the way I want to feel.
4. Do it now.
5. Be polite and be fair.
6. Enjoy the process.
7. Spend out. (This is probably the most enigmatic of my commandments.)
8. Identify the problem.
9. Lighten up.
10. Do what ought to be done.
11. No calculation.
12. There is only love.

So how do you come up with your own list?

Consider phrases that have stuck with you. When I look at my Twelve Commandments, I realize that five of them are actually quotations from other people. My father repeatedly reminds me to “Enjoy the process.” A respected boss told me to “Be polite and be fair.” A good friend told me that she’d decided that “There is only love” in her heart for a difficult person. “No calculation” is a paraphrase of my spiritual master St. Therese (“When one loves, one does not calculate”), and “Act the way I want to feel” is a paraphrase of William James.

Aim high and fight the urge to be too comprehensive. I’ve found that my commandments help me most when I review them at least daily, to keep them fresh in my mind, and to do this, it helps to keep the list short and snappy. I suspect that Twelve Commandments is too much. Maybe I only need two, “Be Gretchen” and “There is only love.”

Think about what's true for you. Each person’s list will differ. One person's commandment is to "Say yes," another person's commandment is to "Say no." You need to think about yourself, your values, your strengths and weaknesses, your interests.

I've written about commandments in the past, and it's fascinating to read other people's commandments. For instance:

Do stuff.
Talk to strangers.
Stay in touch.
Make haste to be kind.
Dig deep.
Less is more.
Smaller.

Have you identified some of your own personal commandments? What are they? Please consider posting them. It's so interesting to see what other people identify.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* I'm a huge fan of my friend Erin Doland's terrific blog, Unclutterer—"daily tips about getting and staying organized." Useful and funny. Who knew that clutter could be funny?

* Want a happiness quote in your email inbox every morning? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Can You Summarize The Challenge of Happiness In A Single Sentence?

Partly as an intellectual discipline, partly for fun, I often push myself to answer tough, conclusory questions, such as "If you had to pick just one thing, what's the key to happiness?" or "What are the ten most common myths about happiness?"

The other day, I asked myself: If I had to state the central challenge of living a life of happiness, in a single sentence, what would it be? This sentence, I decided, would be a good candidate:

As Flannery O'Connor observed in a letter, "Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better."

How about you? What's your suggestion for a one-line summary?

* On the BMW Guggenheim Lab, Jon Cotner writes about the Spontaneous Society, a walk he leads through New York City neighborhoods, in which participants try to promote friendly exchanges among strangers. Interesting.

* Want a happiness quotation in your email inbox every morning? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Self-Acceptance: Are You An "Alchemist" Or A "Leopard"?

As a student of human nature, one of my favorite exercises is to try to divide people into two camps. For instance, I've managed to identify splits like abstainers vs. moderators and under-buyers vs. over-buyers.

Walking to the gym today, I found myself thinking about a passage written by critic John Ruskin:

The little pig was so comforting to me because he was wholly content to be a little pig; and Mr. Leslie Stephen is in a certain degree exemplary and comforting to me, because he is wholly content to be Mr. Leslie Stephen; while I am miserable because I am always wanting to be something else than I am.

This passage made me reflect about a way that my sister and I differ, and I think I identified a new set of oppositions: alchemists vs. leopards. Ruskin and I are alchemists. My sister is a leopard.

Alchemists seek ways to change or re-direct our fundamental natures; we're dissatisfied with ourselves; we're often tempted to behave, and make choices, that don't comport with who we really are.

Leopards don't try to change their spots. They know who they are, and they don't worry about everything they aren't.

The first and most important of my Twelve Personal Commandments is to Be Gretchen. This commandment is important for everyone—though people should substitute their own names!— but I suspect alchemists have a much tougher time keeping the commandment than leopards do. (I wish I could think of a tidier pair of symbols, but I haven’t come up with anything better. Ideas?)

I wish I could be more like my sister. Look, there I go again! Wishing I could change my nature.

* Speaking of siblings, check out 2 Peas and a Pot, where my brother-in-law writes a blog. It's fun to read even if you're not a serious foodie. Inveterate alchemist though I am, I have admitted that I'm not, and never will be, a serious foodie.

* My next book, Happier at Home, is inching its way toward completion. The cover is just about finished, which is an enormous step. If you'd like to be notified when the book is available, sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com

Have Fun That's Actually Fun—For You.

One of my favorite Secrets of Adulthood is "Just because something is fun for other people doesn't mean it's fun for me, and vice versa." This sounds simple, but it actually was a huge breakthrough for me. So many things that other people consider “fun” are not fun for me, and it took me an astonishingly long time to realize that. Drinking wine, shopping, doing crossword puzzles, cooking, most games…I just don’t enjoy those activities. But reading! Ah, reading is fun for me.

Even now, I have to remind myself that people go skiing because they honestly want to go skiing, not because they are made from a sterner moral fiber than I.

I’ve realized, too, that it’s important to think about this in the context of my family. If I want to have fun with my family, I need to make sure that we’re doing activities that—at least some of the time—are honestly fun for me. Otherwise, I just get bored and try to end things, or even sneak away. Was it Jerry Seinfeld who said, "There's no such thing as fun for the whole family?" Well, I'm trying.

For instance, each night I read aloud to my six-year-old, and I'm very careful to choose books that we both like. She loves some books that I just don't enjoy at all, but if those books are the choice, that reading time becomes a drag instead of a pleasure for me. There are so many books we can both enjoy, so why not make sure that it's fun for me as well as fun for her?

Obviously, as a parent, I can’t follow this rule all the time. My children enjoy things that aren’t much fun for me, so I get my fun vicariously, by watching their fun. But I’ve decided to try to steer our activities more to things that we all find fun, because then I’m so much more enthusiastic.

We've all heard the saying, "All work and no play make Jack a dull boy." But play, to be play, must truly be fun; the fact that other people find it fun, or I wish I found it fun, or I think I ought to find it fun, doesn't make it fun for me.

One of the great mysteries of happiness is—why is it so hard to “Be Gretchen”? Why is it so hard to know my own likes and dislikes? It seems that nothing should be more obvious than the question of what I find fun, yet I have to think hard about this, all the time. (On the subject of fun, here are the three types of fun.) In The Luminous Ground, Christopher Alexander remarks, “It is hard, so terribly hard, to please yourself. Far from being the easy thing that it sounds like, it is almost the hardest thing in the world, because we are not always comfortable with that true self that lies deep within us.”

This principle doesn't only apply to children; fun with your sweetheart, fun with your family, fun with your friends, fun with your co-workers. Have you found any good ways to have fun with others that's also fun for you? What do you find fun?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* There was an interesting post by Tara Parker-Pope of the New York Times about the importance of generosity in marriage, with a quiz to determine, "Do you have a generous relationship?" I love a quiz.

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month’s material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Don't Fall Into "Decision Quicksand."

I'm always gratified when I learn that one of my Secrets of Adulthood reflects not merely my idiosyncratic experience, but also has some science behind it.

For instance, one of my Secrets of Adulthood is: Most decisions don't require extensive research.

I came up with this Secret of Adulthood to remind myself not to squander my time and energy on decisions that don't matter very much.

Over the weekend, I read a short piece about a study that showed that "Decisions that are complicated but trivial...cause an inordinate amount of wasted time and unhappiness." The researchers call this "decision quicksand" because we can get sucked in, and drown, in these trivial choices.

Surprisingly often, I need to remind myself not to spend too much time on relatively unimportant decisions. Even though I don't want to spend my time and energy this way, it takes a considerable amount of self-awareness and self-control to resist the temptation.

The satisficer/maximizer split seems relevant here. As Barry Schwartz explains in his fascinating book, The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less, there are two types of decision makers. Satisficers (yes, "satisficers" is a word) make a decision once their criteria are met; when they find the hotel or the pasta sauce that has the qualities they want, they’re satisfied. Maximizers want to make the best possible decision; even if they see a bicycle that meets their requirements, they can’t make a decision until they’ve examined every option.

Studies suggest that satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers. Maximizers expend more time and energy reaching decisions, and they’re often anxious about their choices. They find the research process exhausting, yet can’t let themselves settle for anything but the best.

I’m a satisficer, and I often felt guilty about not doing more research before making decisions. In law school, one friend interviewed with fifty law firms before she decided where she wanted to go as a summer associate; I think I interviewed with six. We ended up at the same firm. Once I learned to call myself a “satisficer,” I felt more satisfied with my approach to decision-making; instead of feeling lazy and unconscientious, I could call myself prudent. Now I can also remind myself not to get sucked into "decision quicksand" for decisions that don't deserve that much attention.

Do you find yourself spending too much time and energy on unimportant decisions? The internet can make this problem worse, because information seems so limitless.

* There's a very thought-provoking post about introverts and happiness over on Susan Cain's The Power of Introverts blog.

* Get a happiness quotation in your email inbox every morning -- sign up for the Moment of Happiness. I love quotes! Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Think of Yourself In The Third Person.

I remember reading somewhere that writer Anne Lamott thinks about herself in the third person, to take better care of herself: “I’m sorry, Anne Lamott can’t accept that invitation to speak; she’s finishing a book so needs to keep her schedule clear.”

I find that often, the same trick helps me to be realistic about myself. "Gretchen gets frantic when she's really hungry, so she can't wait too long for dinner." "Gretchen needs some quiet time each day." "Gretchen really feels the cold, so she can't be outside for too long."

Yes, I admit, this approach makes me sound a bit affected and self-important, but the thing is, it really works.

For instance, for the last few weeks, I felt...depleted. Physically, I felt energetic enough, but mentally, I was like a cell phone that couldn't take a charge. I couldn't figure out what to do, but finally I thought of myself in the third person.

As the long holiday weekend approached, I asked myself, "What's the best medicine for Gretchen when she feels drained?" And, when I framed the question about my nature that way, from outside myself, I immediately knew the answer. "Gretchen gets mentally refreshed by doing a lot of reading."

That's what I needed. No writing; hours and hours of reading. A novel I'd never read before, a novel that was long enough to last, a novel that was absorbing without being so demanding that it would just exhaust me more. Fortunately, I had exactly the right book, right on my bedside table. I spent a good part of the holiday weekend reading Neal Stephenson's Reamde. And by the time I finished the book, I felt restored.

Self-knowledge! It seems as though it should be so easy to know yourself, but it's very, very challenging. For me, it's often easier to gain self-insight by using indirect routes—such as asking myself questions like What do I lie about? or Who are my patron saints?—rather than by trying to look at myself directly.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* Lots of great material on Positively Positive—"your attitude + your choices = your life."

* The holidays are approaching! If you're giving The Happiness Project as a gift (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller), and you'd like a signed bookplate or signature card to include with it, sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com. But do it fast! There's not much time.

What's Your "Pigeon of Discontent"?

For the past few years, for the weekly video as part of the Happiness Challenge, I've proposed a resolution for your consideration—some concrete, manageable resolution to boost your happiness (at least, one that has boosted my happiness).

As I mentioned several weeks ago, I've been thinking about changing the format of the videos for 2012, and now I've decided that I will. Instead of proposing resolutions for you to consider as part of your own happiness project, I'm going to discuss "Pigeons of Discontent."

Because, as much as we try to follow the Bluebird of Happiness, we're also plagued by the Pigeon of Discontent. A Pigeon of Discontent isn't a major happiness challenge, but rather, an ordinary problem that has settled into roost. For example: you never make it to the gym; you bicker with your kids each morning; your closet is a mess; you haven't had time to read a book in months. The Happiness Challenge for 2012 will be the identification of these Pigeons, and the attempt to shoo them away.

At various times, such as today, I'll ask readers to post comments about aspects of life that drag them down, and in the weekly videos, I'll discuss them (I won't give advice, but I'll discuss).

So, to help me get started, if you have a readily identifiable "pigeon of discontent," please post it here. I was fascinated to read people's comments the last time I asked this question.

So: What's your Pigeon of Discontent? What relatively small and ordinary issue drags down your happiness?

* Tomorrow is the last day of November, which means: time for the monthly newsletter! If you'd like to get it, sign up here. I highlight the best material from the blog and the Facebook Page. (It's free, of course).

Self-Knowledge: Identify Your Patron Saints.

Self-knowledge is crucial to happiness, but it's challenging to know yourself. Sometimes, I find, I can gain insight by asking myself questions that make me take stock of my interests and values.

For that reason, I asked myself, "Who are my patron saints? Of my Happiness Project, in particular, and for myself generally?" (A "patron saint" is a saint who has a special connection to a person, place, profession, or activity, or in more casual terms, a person who serves as a particular leader or example.)

Here are my six patron saints:

Benjamin Franklin: practical, curious, inventive.

St. Therese of Lisieux: showing great love through small, ordinary actions.

Samuel Johnson: wildly eccentric, with a deep understanding of human nature.

Julia Child: goofy yet masterly; light-hearted yet authoritative.

Winston Churchill: indefatigable, indomitable.

Virginia Woolf: intensely attuned to the power of the passing moment.

Well, Julia Child and Winston Churchill are probably rarely paired together in the same discussion, but they both represent very powerful ideas to me. It's interesting—the posts I've written about these figures are among my favorites of all the posts I've written. I love thinking and writing about my patron saints.

Who are your patron saints? Why?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* Speaking of Samuel Johnson, my next book takes its title from Johnson. Johnson remarked, "To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition, the end to which every enterprise and labour tends." My next book is called Happier at Home. What a pleasure it has been to write this book! If you'd like to be notified when it's available, sign up here.