The Happiness Project

Fifteen Tips to Avoid Nagging.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Back by popular demand...fifteen tips to avoid nagging.

I've posted this list before, but I'm posting it again, because the issue of nagging is something that people raise with me frequently in discussions of happiness. It turns out that being a nag is just as unpleasant as being nagged -- so figuring out how to end nagging brings a real happiness boost to a relationship.

But even though no one enjoys an atmosphere of nagging, in marriage, or any partnership, chores are a huge source of conflict. How do you get your sweetheart to hold up his or her end, without nagging?

One of my best friends from college has a very radical solution: she and her husband don’t assign. That’s right. They never say, “Get me a diaper,” “The trash needs to go out,” etc. This only works because neither one of them is a slacker, but still — what a tactic! And they have three children!

That's something to strive for. But even if we can’t reach that point, most of us could cut back on the nagging. Here are some strategies that have worked for me:

1. It’s annoying to hear a hectoring voice, so suggest tasks without words. When my husband needs a prescription filled, he puts his empty medicine bottle on the bathroom counter. Then I know to get it re-filled.

2. If you need to voice a reminder, limit yourself to one word. Instead of barking out, “Now remember, I’ve told you a dozen times, stop off at the grocery store, we need milk, if you forget, you’re going right back out!” Instead, I call out, “Grocery store!” or “Milk!”

3. Don’t insist that a task be done on your schedule. “You’ve got to trim those hedges today!” Says who? Try, “When are you planning to trim the hedges?” If possible, show why something needs to be done by a certain time. “Will you be able to trim the hedges before our party next week?”

4. Remind your partner that it’s better to decline a task than to break a promise. My husband told me that he’d emailed some friends to tell them we had to miss their dinner party to go to a family dinner—but he hadn’t. Then I had to cancel at the last minute, it was incredibly rude, and I was enraged. Now I tell him, “You don’t have to do it. But tell me, so I can it.”

5. Have clear assignments.

6. Every once in a while, do your sweetheart’s task, for a treat. This kind of pitching-in wins enormous goodwill.

7. Assign chores based on personal priorities. I hate a messy bedroom more than my husband, but he hates a messy kitchen more than I. So I do more tidying in the bedroom, and he does more in the kitchen.

8. Do it yourself. I used to be annoyed with my husband because we never had cash in the house. Then I realized: why did I get to assign that job? Now I do it, and we always have cash, and I’m not annoyed.

9. Settle for a partial victory. Maybe your partner won’t put dishes in the dishwasher, but getting them from the family room into the sink is a big improvement.

10. Re-frame: decide that you don’t mind doing a chore — like putting clothes in the hamper or hanging up wet towels. Surprisingly, this is easier than you’d think.

11. Don’t push for the impossible. There’s no way I’ll do anything relating to our car, so my husband doesn’t even ask.

12. No carping from the sidelines. If your partner got the kids dressed, don’t mock the outfits. If you want something done your way, do it yourself.

13. Think about how money might be able to buy some happiness. Could you find a teenager to mow the lawn? Could you hire a weekly cleaning service? Could you buy prepared foods a few nights a week? These days, money is very tight, but eliminating conflict in a relationship is a high happiness priority, so this is a place to spend money if it can help.

14. Remember that messy areas tend to stay messy, and tidy areas tend to stay tidy. If you want your partner to be neat, be neat yourself!

15. Remind yourself -- generally, nagging doesn't work.

Any other ideas about how to avoid nagging? What have I missed?

Also, sometimes one person is absolutely oblivious for the need for chores to be done. That person just doesn't notice, and doesn't care. In that case, it's hard to know what to do. I have it easy, because if anything, my husband is more chore-oriented than I am. I'm a naggee as well as a nagger. If that's your situation -- what do you do? What advice to do you offer?

* Take a Walk on the Happy Side is an absolutely extraordinary blog. Maggie says she was inspired by me, but I'm far more inspired by her. She has identical twin boys, now 4 1/2, with Down syndrome, and she's been posting recently about their surgery and their difficult recovery. I'm awed by Maggie's determination and sweetness of spirit. Check it out.

* Word-of-mouth Day! Today, I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (and follow me @gretchenrubin)
-- Pre-order the book for a friend
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

Eleven Myths of De-Cluttering.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day (or Quiz Day or List Day).
This Wednesday: Eleven myths of de-cluttering.

One of my great realizations about happiness (and a point oddly under-emphasized by positive psychologists) is that outer order contributes to inner calm.

But as much as most of us want to keep our home, office, car, etc. in reasonable order, it’s tough. Here’s a list of some myths of de-cluttering that make it harder to get rid of stuff.

Myths of Cluttering:
1. "I need to get organized." No! Don't get organized is your first step.

2. "I need to be hyper-organized." I fully appreciate the pleasure of having a place for everything, and perhaps counter-intuitively, I believe it’s easier to put things away in an exact place, rather than a general place (“the third shelf of the coat closet,” not “a closet.”) However, this impulse can become destructive: if you’re spending a lot of time alphabetizing your spices, organizing your shoes according to heel height, creating eighty categories for your home files, etc., consider whether you need to be quite so precisely organized. I find this particularly true with toys – I’ve spent hours sorting pretend food, Polly Pockets pieces, and tea sets, only to find everything a jumble the next day.

3. "I need some more inventive storage containers." See #1. If you get rid of everything you don’t need, you may not need any fancy containers.

4. "I need to find the perfect recipient for everything I’m getting rid of." It’s easier to get rid of things when you know that you’ll be giving them to someone who can use them, but don’t let this kind intention become a source of clutter, itself. I have a friend who has multiple piles all over her house, each lovingly destined for a particular recipient. This is generous and thoughtful, but it contributes mightily to clutter. Try to find one or two good recipients, or if you really want to move your ex-stuff in multiple directions, create some kind of rigid system for moving it along quickly.

5. "I can’t get rid of anything that I might possibly need one day." How terrible would it be if you needed a glass jar and didn’t have one? Do you have gigantic stores of things like rubber bands or ketchup packets? How many coffee mugs does one family use?

6. "I might get that gizmo fixed." Face it. If you’ve had something for more than six months, and it’s still not repaired, it’s clutter.

7. "I might learn how to use that gizmo." Again, face it. If you’ve had a gizmo on the shelf for a year, and you’ve never used it to make gelato or label a sugar jar, it’s clutter.

8. "I might lose a ton of weight and then I’d fit into these clothes again." If you lose a bunch of weight, you’ll want to buy a new pair of jeans, not a pair you bought seven years ago.

9. "I need to keep this as a memento of a happy time." I’m a huge believer in mementos; remembering happy times in the past gives you a big happiness boost in the present. But ask yourself: do I need to keep all these t-shirts to remind me of college, or can I keep a few? Do I need to keep an enormous desk to remind me of my grandfather, or can I use a photograph? Do I need fifty finger-painted pictures by my toddler, or is one enough to capture this time of life? Mementos work best when they’re carefully chosen – and when they don’t take up much room!

10. "I need to keep this, because the person who gave it to me might visit my house and be hurt when it’s not on display." Is that person really likely to visit? Is that person really likely to remember the gift? Will the person really be upset by the lack of viewing of the gift?

11. "If I have any available space, I should fill it up with something." No! One of my Secrets of Adulthood is Somewhere, keep an empty shelf. I know where my empty shelf is, and I treasure it.

* Today I had coffee with the fabulous Pamela Redmond Satran, author of many books, including the recent New York Times bestseller How Not To Act Old and the absolutely hilarious blog of the same name. Enter at your own risk -- dangerously addictive, book and blog both.

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Wednesday! This is the day when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might: -- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter
-- Pre-order the book for a friend
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.
(Note that various links in the comment box, just below, make some of these steps easier.)

Eight Tips for Feeling More Energetic.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for feeling more energetic.

Feeling energetic is a key to feeling happy. Studies show that when you feel energetic, you feel much better about yourself. On the other hand, when you feel exhausted, tasks that would ordinarily make you happy—like putting up holiday decorations—make you feel overwhelmed and blue.

When my energy feels at a low ebb, I try one of these techniques (well, first I drink something with caffeine in it, but if I feel like I need to take further steps, I try these strategies):

1. Exercise—even a quick ten-minute walk will increase your energy and boost your mood. This really works! Try it!

2. Listen to lively music.

3. Get enough sleep. If the alarm blasts you out of a sound sleep every morning, you’re not getting enough—and it matters. (Here are some tips for getting good sleep.)

4. For some people, taking a 10-30 minute nap is a big help. I can’t nap, myself, but my father has been known to take three naps in one day.

5. Act energetic. Research shows that when people move faster, their metabolism speeds up. Also, because the way we act influences the way we feel (to an almost uncanny degree), by acting energetic you'll make you feel more energetic.

6. Talk to friends. I’ve noticed that if I’m feeling low, and then run into a friend on the street, I walk away feeling much more energetic. Reach out if you need a boost. This is true for introverts and extroverts alike.

7. Get something done. Crossing a nagging chore off your to-do list provides a big rush of energy. For a huge surge, clean out a closet. You’ll be amazed at how great you feel afterward.

8. Do NOT use food. It’s tempting to reach for a carton of ice cream when you’re feeling listless, but in the end, all those extra calories will just drag you down. In general, be wary of the urge to treat yourself when you're feeling low.

Energy (or lack of energy) is contagious. If you feel energetic, you’ll help the people around you feel energetic, too. And that makes them feel happier. In fact, in his excellent book, The No A***ole Rule, Bob Sutton reports that being an energizer was one of the strongest predictors of a positive performance evaluation at work.

* How great! Groups for people who are doing happiness projects together have launched all over the world, and the group in Singapore, led by Marion, got written up in the magazine Her World. Click here if you want a starter-kit yourself.

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Wednesday! This is the day when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter
-- Pre-order the book for a friend
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.
(Note that various links in the comment box, just below, make some of these steps easier.)

Five Great “Don’ts” of a Happiness Project.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Five great “don’ts” of a happiness project.

Several people have said to me, “When you’re making a resolution, it’s better not to say ‘No’ or ‘Don’t’ to yourself. You should keep it positive. Find ways to say 'yes'!”

I think there’s some merit to thinking about resolutions this way – but I don’t agree completely. First of all, sometimes it feels good to say “No” to yourself. For instance, I resolved No more drinking (mostly), and that resolution has made me much happier. (If you're giving something up, you might want to take the "Are you a moderator or an abstainer?" quiz.)

Also, sometimes following a “Don’t” can make you very happy. Here are the five great don’ts of my happiness project – admittedly, some of them are fairly controversial:

1. Don’t get organized.

2. Don’t use my self-control.

3. Don’t treat myself.

4. Don’t practice random acts of kindness.

5. Don’t try to keep that resolution.

My personal favorite is "Don't get organized." What do you think? Have you made a “don’t” resolution that has made you happier?

* A reader sent me the link to a very interesting post on the great blog The Simple Dollar: 15 things more important than money.

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Wednesday! This is the day when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter
-- Pre-order the book for a friend
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.
(Note that various links in the comment box, just below, make some of these steps easier.)

Eight Excellent Tips for Living that My Parents Gave Me.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight excellent tips for living my parents gave me.

My mother:
--“Stay calm.” My mother probably reminds of this three or four times each time I see her. I really need this advice. Every day.
--“The things that go wrong often make the best memories.” My mother told me this when we were getting ready for my wedding. It's a very good thing to keep in mind, because it's absolutely true, and it can also help you laugh at a bad situation while it's happening.
--"You like to have a few things that you really like, instead of lots of choices." Okay, this advice might not be widely applicable, but it was a huge revelation to me about my own nature. My mother made this comment in the context of clothes, but it's true in many areas of my life.
--“That's so wonderful! Be grateful, because you worked hard for what you got, and you deserved it, but others also worked hard, and people don’t always get what they deserve.” My mother made this observation when I called home to report that I'd been elected the editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal. I repeated her remark to a friend, who thought it sounded like a little unenthusiastic, but in fact, it was reassuring, especially in the long run. Because it's TRUE. You don't always get what you deserve, even when you work hard, and my mother's observation has been very comforting to me in other circumstances, when things didn't go my way.

My father:
--“If you’re willing to take the blame, people will give you the responsibility.” This was perhaps the best advice for the workplace I ever got.
--“Energy.” Very true. The first chapter of The Happiness Project is devoted to energy. (Here are nine tips for giving yourself an energy boost in the next ten minutes.)
--“Enjoy the process.” If you can enjoy the process, you are less concerned about outcomes. That's a big help in the world.
--“All you have to do is put on your running shoes and let the front door shut behind you.” Good advice for all couch potatoes trying to pick up an exercise habit. Just do that much! That counts!

My parents never gave me relationship advice or weighed in on my boyfriends (true, I only had two real boyfriends, one of whom I married, but I'm sure it was hard to resist nevertheless).

However, once when I was home for vacation, both of my parents remarked on the requirements of a happy relationship. Maybe they'd had a conversation between themselves, which was why it was on their minds. Anyway, it was so unusual for them to make this kind of remark that both statements made a big impression on me:
--My mother said: “In a relationship, it’s important that a person is kind, because eventually, if he’s not kind to other people, he won’t be kind to you.”
--My father said: “In a relationship, it’s important that a person be able to have fun, because you’re not going to have a happy life with someone who can’t have fun.”

Have you received any great advice from your parents?

* A thoughtful reader sent me the link to a great Boston Globe article she wrote: Will He Hold Your Purse? "As a breast cancer doctor, I've learned how to spot a devoted husband -- a skill I try to share with my single and searching girlfriends."

* It’s Word-of-mouth Wednesday, the day when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter
-- Pre-order the book for a friend
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.
(Note that links in the comment box, just below, make some of these steps easier.)

Seven Tips If You’re Chronically Late

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven tips if you’re chronically late.

Feeling as though you’re always running twenty minutes behind schedule is an unhappy feeling. Having to rush, forgetting things in your haste, dealing with annoyed people when you arrive…it’s no fun.

If you find yourself chronically late, what steps can you take to be more prompt? That depends on why you’re late. As my Eighth Commandment holds, the first step is to Identify the problem – then you can see more easily what you need to change.

There are many reasons you might be late, but some are particularly common. Are you late because…

1.You sleep too late? If you’re so exhausted in the morning that you sleep until the last possible moment, it’s time to think about going to sleep earlier. Many people don’t get enough sleep, and sleep deprivation is a real drag on your happiness and health. Try to turn off the light sooner each night.

2.You try to get one last thing done? Apparently, this is a common cause of tardiness. If you always try to answer one more email or put away one more load of laundry before you leave, here’s a way to outwit yourself: take a task that you can do when you reach your destination, and leave early. Tell yourself that you need that ten minutes on the other end to read those brochures or check those figures.

3. You undestimate the commute time? You may tell yourself it takes twenty minutes to get to work, but if it actually takes forty minutes, you’re going to be chronically late. Have you exactly identified the time by which you need to leave? That’s what worked for me for getting my kids to school on time. We have a precise time that we’re supposed to leave, so I know if we’re running late, and by how much. Before I identified that exact time, I had only a vague sense of how the morning was running, and I usually thought we had more time than we actually did. My daughter goes into near-hysterics if we're late, so that motivated me to get very clear on this issue.

4. You can’t find your keys/wallet/phone/sunglasses? Nothing is more annoying than searching for lost objects when you’re running late. Designate a place in your house for your key items, and put those things in that spot, every time. I keep everything important in my (extremely unfashionable) backpack, and fortunately a backpack is big enough that it’s always easy to find. My husband keeps his key items in the chest of drawers opposite our front door.

5. Other people in your house are disorganized? Your wife can’t find her phone, your son can’t find his Spanish book, so you’re late. As hard as it is to get yourself organized, it’s even harder to help other people get organized. Try setting up the “key things” place in your house. Prod your children to get their school stuff organized the night before—and coax the outfit-changing types to pick their outfits the night before, too. Get lunches ready. Etc.

6.You hate your destination so much you want to postpone showing up for as long as possible? If you dread going to work that much, or you hate school so deeply, or wherever your destination might be, you’re giving yourself a clear signal that you need think about making a change in your life.

7. Your co-workers won’t end meetings on time? This is an exasperating problem. You’re supposed to be someplace else, but you’re trapped in a meeting that’s going long. Sometimes, this is inevitable, but if you find it happening over and over, identify the problem. Is too little time allotted to meetings that deserve more time? Is the weekly staff meeting twenty minutes of work crammed into sixty minutes? Does one person hold things up? If you face this issue repeatedly, there’s probably an identifiable problem – and once you identify it, you can develop strategies to solve it -- e.g., sticking to an agenda; circulating information by email; not permitting discussions about contentious philosophical questions not relevant to the tasks at hand, etc. (This last problem is surprisingly widespread, in my experience.)

Late or not, if you find yourself rushing around every morning, consider waking up earlier (see #1 above). Yes, it’s tough to give up those last precious moments of sleep, and it’s even tougher to go to bed earlier and cut into what, for many people, is their leisure time. But it helps.

I've started getting up at 6:00 a.m. so I have an hour to myself before I have to rassle everyone out of bed. This has made a huge improvement in our mornings. Because I’m organized and ready by 7:00 a.m., I can be focused on getting all of us out the door. (On a related note, here are more tips for keeping school mornings calm and cheery.)

What are some other strategies that work if you suffer from chronic lateness?

* A great blog, Get Rich Slowly, is about “personal finance that makes cents.” It covers a very broad range of topics related to finance, so there’s much there of interest to just about anyone.

* Introducing something new: Word-of-mouth Wednesday! Now, not only is Wednesday the weekly Tip Day, it’s also the day when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter
-- Pre-order the book for a friend
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.
(Note that various links in the comment box, just below, make some of these steps easier.)

Six Tips to Hold Yourself Accountable for Keeping Your Resolutions.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Six tips to hold yourself accountable for keeping your resolutions.

One thing I’ve discovered from doing my happiness project is – no surprise – it’s easy to make a resolution, but it’s not always easy to keep a resolution.

I’m fascinated by the question: what allows people to keep resolutions? Why does one couch potato suddenly decide to start going to the gym, and then goes regularly for years, while another similar couch potato just can’t stick with a program? Why does my sister keep resolving to learn to cook, but never follows up? Why can’t I make myself floss regularly? And yet I've been able to keep my one-sentence journal.

The first step is to make a concrete, well-directed resolution. Samuel Johnson wrote a prayer that includes the line, “O GOD, grant me to resolve aright, and to keep my resolutions.” At first, this puzzled me. I understood praying for the strength to keep resolutions, but why make the special request to be able to “resolve aright”? Now I understand that resolving aright is very important. (See #1 below.)

The second step is to hold yourself accountable. This is enormously important. The constant review of resolutions, and the knowledge that you are being held accountable for sticking to them, makes a huge difference.

I found this myself, doing my own happiness project, and I know that it’s true for other people. Last night, I was talking to some of the leaders of happiness-project groups around the country, and they all agreed that accountability was essential -- this point was stressed particularly by the leader of the Washington, DC group, the indefatigably positive Dani.

So how do you hold yourself accountable? Here are some strategies that have worked for me:

1.Frame your resolution in concrete actions. If you resolve to “Get more joy out of life” or “Embrace the present,” it’s hard to hold yourself accountable. It’s easier to be answerable for a specific action like “Spend at least one hour a week hiking” or “Sit in a chair for fifteen minutes every day, with no distractions.”

2.Keep a chart. Having made a resolution, you have to check yourself in some way. I print out a new copy of my Resolutions Chart each month and carry it around with me. At least once each day, I review and score my resolutions. (See below if you'd like to take a look at my chart.)

3.Use the Happiness Project Toolbox. If you want to keep your Resolutions Chart online, use the Toolbox – the Resolutions Tool and the Group Resolutions Tool are two very helpful tools. While you’re there, you can also add things to your Inspiration Board, share ideas to the Happiness Hacks – and look to see what other people are doing!

4.Join a group. Even more useful than keep a chart is meeting with real live people who will press you to keep your resolutions. Mutual accountability is extraordinarily effective, as demonstrated by groups like Weight Watchers and Alcoholics Anonymous. Each leader of a happiness-project group agreed that it as a key motivator for keeping resolutions. That’s why I think that launching or joining a happiness-project group is a great way to boost happiness. You have the happiness of meeting with friends, whether new or old, plus the happiness of keeping your resolutions. If you want a starter kit for launching your own happiness-project group, click here.

5.Tell people what you’re doing. At the very least, tell your family about the resolutions that you’re trying to keep. Studies showed that people trying to make life changes, such as losing weight, were more likely to succeed if they told their families what they were doing.

6.Consider combining these strategies. Resolve with a friend to use the Happiness Project Toolbox. Start a group to discuss resolutions. Use the Group Resolutions Tool to challenge friends, colleagues, relative to keep a resolution with you. (It occurs to me that I'm pushing the Happiness Project Toolbox hard here, but the thing is, I designed it to help people keep their resolutions, so it really is supposed to help.)

Here are more tips on sticking to your resolutions, if you're interested.

I’ve had great success with dozens of my resolutions, and yet I still don’t floss regularly. Any advice on another strategy to try?

* Speaking of the DC Happiness Project Group, here's an account by one of its members of why he joined and how it has helped him keep his resolution (to eat better -- a resolution familiar to many of us!)

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Eighteen Tips that Aren't, It Turns Out, From a Churchyard.

I was over at a friend’s house – for a meeting of one of my two children’s literature reading groups, in fact – where I saw her framed copy of “Desiderata.” (“Desiderata” is a Latin word meaning “things to be desired.”) I’d seen it before, but I’d never read more than the first few lines, and I was struck by the soundness of the suggestions.

I always thought Desiderata was an inscription in an old churchyard, but it was actually written by Max Ehrmann in 1927. This bit of information detracts from its mystique somewhat, but it's still an interesting list.

1. Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.
2. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
3. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
4. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; for they are vexations to the spirit.
5. If you compare yourself with others you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
6. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
7. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
8. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery; but let this not blind you to what virtue there is.
9. Be yourself. [There it is, yet again, my First Commandment: Be Gretchen]
10. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
11. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
12. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
13. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself.
14. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here, and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
15. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
16. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, be at peace with your soul. With all its shame, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
17. Be cheerful.
18. Strive to be happy.

My favorite is #18. You can’t always be happy, but you can strive to be happy. And it's not selfish to strive to be happy -- that's Happiness Myth No. 10. Remember the Second Splendid Truth!

Speaking of inscriptions found (or not) in churchyards, here’s my own favorite gravestone inscription:

Remember, friends, as you pass by,
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now, so you must be.
Prepare yourself to follow me.

Which item do you find most important in your own life?

* Daniel Schawbel, of the popular Personal Branding Blog and author of the book Me 2.0, was nice enough to do an interview with me.

* Wait, have I mentioned that the book, The Happiness Project, is coming out soon? Well, yes. I have. Many times. And here I am, mentioning it again -- and here's the pre-order link.

Six Tips for Coping with the Fact that You've Forgotten Someone's Name.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Six tips for coping with the fact that you don’t remember a person’s name.

If you’re like me, you sometimes have trouble remembering people’s names, or even how you know them. A few years ago, while at a chaotic birthday party for a three-year-old, I was on the brink of going over to some little kid’s father to say, “I think we went to college together.” Turns out it was Dylan McDermott!

In ancient Rome, the job of the "nomenclator" was to whisper or announce the names of people as they approached a politician. My husband serves this function for me; he has an uncanny ability to recall names and faces -- people he has met once, years ago, and also famous people. I'll insist I've never met someone before, and he'll say, "Wasn't he in your class in college?" I have no idea how he does it, but I really suffer when I got to social events without him.

So I’ve developed some strategies for coping with the fact that I’m not able to pull up a person’s name right away. Of course, you can always just say politely, "I'm sorry, I don't recall your name," but if you'd rather try to disguise your forgetfulness a bit, give these a try:

1. The “I know your name, but I’m blocked” dodge:
“I keep wanting to call you "David," but I know that’s not right.”

2. The “Of course I know you -- in fact, I want all your information” dodge:
“Hey, I’d love to get your card.”

3. The “The tip of my tongue” dodge:
“I know I know your name, but I’m blanking right now.”

4. The “You’re brilliant!” dodge:
“Wow, you have a terrific memory. I can’t believe you remember my name from that meeting six months ago. I can’t remember the names of people I met yesterday! So of course I have to ask you your name.”

5. The “Sure, I remember you” dodge:
“Remind me – what’s your last name?” If you ask a person for his last name, he’s likely to repeat both names. “Doe, John Doe.”

6. The “One-sided introduction” dodge:
“Hey,” you say to the person whose name you can’t remember, “let me introduce you to Pat Smith.” You introduce the two and say the name of the person whose name you remember. Almost always, the nameless person will volunteer his or her name.

Also, remember that others might have trouble remembering your name. When you’re saying hello to someone, err on the side of re-introducing yourself. “Hi, John, it’s Gretchen Rubin.” Say your name slowly and clearly. And don’t get offended if someone doesn’t remember your name! And while you're at it, remember to smile. It really does make a difference in how friendly you're perceived to be.

* The brilliant Leo Babauta of Zen Habits fame has started a site, Mnmlist.com, about minimalism, "How less is the answer." Lots of wonderful material there.

* As I posted the other day, I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If I did a book event in your town, and you'd come, it would be very helpful if you'd either post a comment below or drop me an email at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format – trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line, and be sure to include the name of your city! Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.

Ten Tips for Getting Along with Your Mother-In-Law.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 10 tips for getting along with your mother-in-law (or your in-laws, generally).

I’m extremely lucky with fate as it relates to my mother-in-law and father-in-law. We get along very well, which is fortunate, because we live right around the corner from my in-laws, and I mean right around the corner. You don’t even have to cross the street; one lone skinny townhouse separates our apartment buildings. I see my in-laws many times each month.

Obviously, though, many people aren’t in such a happy circumstance. I’ve noticed that relationship problems with in-laws are among the most common issues that people raise – whether people complaining about their spouse’s parents, or people complaining about their kids’ spouses. In-laws have a unique power to drive us crazy.

These tips apply, of course, only if your in-laws aren’t actually abusive, or dangerous, or so malicious that it’s just not possible to be around them. Assuming that they aren’t quite that horrible, here are some points to consider:

1. Remember the mere exposure effect. It turns out that familiarity breeds affection. The "mere exposure effect" means that repeated exposure makes people like music, faces--even nonsense syllables--better. The more often you see another person, the more intelligent and attractive you tend to find that person. Instead of avoiding your mother-in-law, take the time to see her and talk to her. That may ease your relationship.

2. Act the way you want to feel. Counter-intuitive as it may sound, feelings follow actions. Before an encounter with your in-laws, take the time to put yourself in a friendly, calm frame of mind, or at least try to act that way when you see them. If you go into a situation acting angry, defensive, or suspicious, you'll invoke that emotion in yourself, and likely a negative reaction from others. If you’re feeling more light-hearted, you won’t be as quick to take offense.

3. Avoid pointless bickering. If you and your in-laws fight about something, like politics or religion, year after year, try to agree to disagree. Are you going to change the voting or eating habits of your 75-year-old father-in-law? Or your 35-year-old son-in-law? Similarly, avoid carping. In general, pointing out people’s mistakes or criticizing their choices isn’t polite, and it isn’t welcome – and it’s not effective!

4. Mindfully articulate, and act in accordance with, your own values. One of the great mysteries of human nature is that when we accept ourselves, other people tend to accept us. When we don’t accept ourselves, people tend to pester us. If you know your own values, and live according to them, people’s pointed remarks don’t sting nearly as much, and strangely, they often back off. (Yet another reason to follow my First Commandment.)

For example, although she almost never says anything about it, I know that my mother-in-law wishes my children dressed in more classic kids’ clothes. Corduroy jumpers, tasteful dresses, etc. And truth be told, that’s what I would like them to wear, too. But that’s not what my daughters like. The big one wants to be more fashionable; the little one favors sparkles, sequins, and bright colors.

A while back, I decided, “Within the boundaries of cost and age-appropriateness, I’ll let my daughters dress the way they like. This isn’t an issue where my taste needs to prevail.” (At times, it has been hard to live up to this resolution.)

Because I’m living according to my own values, it doesn’t bother me that my mother-in-law doesn’t approve. I believe in my approach. So if you’re annoyed by someone’s remarks about your household décor, your income, your cooking, your work habits, your cleaning habits, your life decisions (starting a family, where to live, buying a kitten), ask yourself, “Am I living according to my own values?” If you are, criticism slides off more easily.

5. Children, of course, can be a big source of contention. Try to keep some perspective. Samuel Johnson wrote, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.” In keeping with this philosophy, I decided, “If it’s not actually harmful, I’ll let others take care of my daughters in their own way.” A friend of mine – the educational, wooden toy, no TV type of parent – was furious when her mother-in-law bought her daughter a “My Little Pony” pony. They had a huge fight about it. Do you really want to have that fight?

6. Remember grandparent privilege. When I was little, my grandmother would buy us any junk food we wanted (chiefly PopTarts) and let us stay up until midnight watching TV. My sister and I loved it. Did this do us any lasting harm? No. And we didn’t expect junk food or midnight TV at home, either. Grandparents get to be indulgent, if they want. Or super-strict, or have weird rules. That’s grandparent privilege.

7. Remember parent privilege. Maybe you think it’s ridiculous for parents today to fuss so much about car seats, trans fats, violence on TV, allergies, rigidly enforced bedtimes, etc., etc. Or maybe you think your children are too permissive as parents. The fact is, most parents really want to do the right thing for their children, and if they feel that you don’t respect their rules and their approach, that will be an issue.

8. Respect others’ priorities. If you’re having trouble with someone, ask yourself, “What’s important to this person?” That we all have Thanksgiving dinner together? That we go to church together? That the grandchildren come visit for the weekend? That we dress a certain way? Unless it violates your deeply held principles, it’s generous to try to respect other people’s priorities – and it sure promotes peace. Even if you dismiss celebrating Mother’s Day as an empty, consumerist ritual, or you think it’s ridiculous to have to change into a button-down shirt for dinner, you can do it because it’s the loving thing to do.

9. Think about your spouse or your child. You’re in a relationship with this difficult in-law because of someone you love. What’s best for that person? Do you need to try to break the tension? Change the subject? Avoid difficult situations? Bite your tongue? Endure excruciating boredom? Sometimes you can behave nicely for someone else’s happiness, even if you’d be very happy to pitch a battle, if left to your own devices.

10. Focus on the positive. Find ways to be grateful for your in-laws. At the very least, your in-laws are the parents of your spouse, or the beloved of your child. Look for the good. Try to make jokes. It could probably be worse.

Wait, you might be thinking, these strategies don't tell you how to deal with your difficult in-laws -- they tell you how to behave yourself. Well, guess what! You can only change yourself.

Usually when I write about happiness, I write about issues that concern me very deeply. As I said, lucky me, I don’t have lots of in-law problems – I’m tackling this subject because so many people have asked me to do so. I’m sure I’m missing some key points or getting something wrong. What would you suggest? What strategies have helped you deal with in-laws? (Either the parents of your spouse, or the spouse of your kids.)

For some non-in-law-specific tips, here’s a list of 7 tips for getting along with difficult relatives. And although you think your in-law is difficult, consider the fact that you may be the difficult one! Take this quiz to see if others find you difficult.

* If you're a big reader, check out this fantastic list of top book blogs. A treasure trove.

* If you're asking, "Well, I wonder if Gretchen entered the stage of blatant book promotion yet?" you can find the answer here.