The Happiness Project

Want To Boost Your Happiness? Control Your Exit.

I love hearing other people's ideas for resolutions, Personal Commandments, Secrets of Adulthood, and the like. A while back, when I ran into an old family friend, he said, “Let me tell you one of my personal secrets for happiness: Control your exit."

"'Control your exit?’” I asked blankly. “What exactly does that mean?”

“It means, always be able to leave when you want. Drive yourself to a party instead of getting a ride, so you can leave when you’re ready. Try to go to someone else’s house, or a public place, instead of having people over to your house, because there’s nothing worse than seeing someone lean back and cross their legs when you’re ready to go to bed. Or else have people over to your house before some event – before a dinner reservation or a movie – so you have to leave by a certain time.”

This resolution struck me as a slightly anti-social resolution, but I could see the sense of it. My husband would certainly agree. If he can help it, he never goes to a party on a boat, or on a bus tour, or does anything to put himself in a situation that would prevent him from leaving whenever he wants. He feels trapped and unhappy if he knows he’s stuck.

Relatedly, one of my favorite things about my husband is that he knows when to exit. When I'm at a party or any kind of function, I sort of forget that I can leave, and forget to think about when I should leave. If I'm by myself, I often end up staying too long, until I'm over-tired and irritable, but my husband always knows the right time to leave. My favorite example: at our own wedding! At a certain point, he said, "It's time for us to go," and he timed it exactly right.

It occurs to me that “Control your exit” is advice that’s figuratively true, too. For me, a memorable piece of advice from Stephen Covey's classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is Begin with the end in mind. That is (if I remember correctly), know where you want to go. When you start or do something, maintain a vision of where you’re headed – especially important for people who are considering law school! Friends, don’t go unless you know where you want to end up!

A Secret of Adulthood is that The opposite of a profound truth is also true. In some situations, not controlling your exit would lead to happiness. There’s a lot of happiness to be gained from spontaneity, impulsive adventures, and unpredictable undertakings. Even in those cases, however, it’s better mindfully to embrace this idea of uncertainty – to know that you’re deliberately choosing to give up control of your exit and to take the pathless path – rather than to have it take you unawares.

What do you think? Is a resolution to “Control your exit” more or less likely to lead to happiness? Have you found ways to control your exit? Maybe, as Bill Murray explained in Ghostbusters, of “never getting involved with possessed people,” “Actually, it’s more of a guideline than a rule.”

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* I collect "life hacks" of all kinds, so I love visiting Parent Hacks -- "parenting tips from the real experts: actual parents." I appreciated this post about Let the Wookie win -- a great resolution. (And a funny little homemade video.)

* Join the happiness conversation on Twitter (@gretchenrubin) and on Facebook. It's great to connect in other places.

Follow a Threshold Ritual.

Gratitude is a key element for a happy life. People who cultivate gratitude get a boost in happiness and optimism, feel more connected to other people, are better-liked and have more friends, are more likely to help others—they even sleep better and have fewer headaches.

Nevertheless, I find it...challenging to cultivate a grateful frame of mind. I find it all too easy to fail to appreciate all the things I feel grateful for—from pervasive, basic things like democratic government and running water, to major, personal aspects of my life such as the fact that I love my work and that my younger daughter has outgrown her fearsome tantrums, to little passing joys, like an unexpectedly cool July morning. I get preoccupied with petty complaints and minor irritations, and forget just how much happiness I already have.

I tried keeping a gratitude journal, but I gave it up, because it bugged me. But I found a different gratitude prompt: I remind myself to be grateful every time I sit down at my computer or laptop (which I do, oh, about 20-30 times a day).

I've also started a new gratitude prompt: Follow a threshold ritual. Each time I stand at the top of the steps of my building, as I fumble for my keys to turn off the alarm and unlock the two front doors, I remind myself, “How happy I am, how grateful I am, to be home.” Every time I cross the threshold from street into my building, I take a moment to reflect lovingly on my family and my home. (As the practices of many religions show, thresholds are powerful places.)

The days are long, but the years are short, and I know that this time that seems endless--my husband and I, with our girls, all under the same roof, with hair-bands and magic markers underfoot, and the sound of Jim Dale reading Harry Potter playing constantly in the background—is actually just a short period over the course of my life. I want to appreciate this season and this time.

The Fourth Splendid Truth holds that “I’m not happy unless I think I’m happy,” a precept that artist Eugène Delacroix captured in a powerful analogy: “He was like a man owning a piece of ground in which, unknown to himself, a treasure lay buried. You would not call such a man rich, neither would I call happy the man who is so without realizing it.” I have my treasure, but it's all too easy to overlook it, to walk right over it without realizing it, without appreciating how happy I am.

Mindfulness! Happiness always circles back to mindfulness. Which is too bad for me, because I'm an extremely unmindful person. But I'm working on it.

How about you? Have you found any good gratitude prompts? A friend uses her screensaver and passwords to remind her to have an "attitude of gratitude." I think that's a brilliant idea; we have to deal with these computer things constantly; why not have them serve a useful purpose?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* Two days ago, I posted about 7 books that changed the way I see the world, and noted that most of them shared the quality of reduction -- they were studies of how radically to distill ideas. A thoughtful reader send me this post about Minimalist posters for your favorite children's stories. Brilliant! Each image by Christian Jackson distills a familiar story into a single, powerful image. It's fun to look at the picture and see if you know what it illustrates, just from that image. Some are easy, like Little Red Riding Hood, but others -- such as Alice in Wonderland, The Wizard of Oz, and Mary Poppins -- are tougher, but make perfect sense.

* Want to launch or join a group for people doing Happiness Projects together? Email me at gretchenrubin1 at gretchenrubin dot com for the starter kit. Want to see if a group already exists in your area? Look here. Want to talk to people about starting a new group? Start a discussion here. I'm thrilled by all the interest in starting Happiness Project groups! Keep me posted!

In Which I Introduce a New Feature: the Assay.

During my parents’ last visit to New York City, my mother pointed out a limitation of my blog. “On your blog, it’s easy to find certain things, like tips and quotations,” she began. “They’re set off and labeled, so you know exactly where they are.”

“Right,” I said. “I try to make it easy.”

“I like those, but the posts I like best don’t have a label. My favorites are the ones where you talk about a big idea, or have a really thoughtful discussion.”

“Often I put those posts on Mondays,” I said. “That’s when I post a ‘big idea.’ I don’t always manage to express a big idea, but when I’m trying, I usually write it for a Monday.”

“Well, I didn’t know that. I wish it were possible to go back to find just those most thoughtful pieces. They aren’t identified for the reader.”

I realized that she’d put her finger on something that had bothered me for a long time. “You are so right,” I told her. "The posts that I consider my best aren’t tagged or grouped together in any way. But what should I call them? What’s the term for what they are?”

We brainstormed for a while with different ways to identify these pieces. Nothing seemed right. Then, as we were standing by the elevator, ready to put the discussion aside until later, my mother said, “What about an ‘assay’?”

“That sounds good. Though I’d better make sure I’m right about the definition of ‘assay.’”

We looked up the word. “Assay” turned out to be a brilliant suggestion. An “assay” is “an examination and determination as to characteristics” or “an analysis or examination,” in particular “an analysis (as of an ore or drug) to determine the presence, absence, or quantity of one or more components.” Yes!

I particularly like this term for two reasons.

First, an assay is often done in a scientific context: an assay of a metal. My study of human nature often feels that way. Particularly when I wrote my first book, Power Money Fame Sex, I seemed to be writing the Periodic Table of the Elements of Human Nature. (And of course, I often do study the scientific underpinnings of human behavior.)

Second, and more important to me, the word "assay" is a tie to the great writers about character and the conduct of life. While my work is sometimes described as self-help (and I certainly do try to be self-helpful), I aim to write in the tradition of figures like Thoreau, Tolstoy, la Rochefoulcauld, Francis Bacon, Aristotle, St. Therese of Lisieux, and of course, my favorite, Samuel Johnson.

One of the towering masters in this line is Montaigne, who wrote short meditations about human nature, using himself as the chief point of study.

Around 1578, in the first use of the term, Montaigne called his attempts his “essais,” to indicate that his writings were a series of trials, attempts, or tests of his judgment. Now, of course, these are called his Essays.

So I love using a similar word, “assay,” to identify my own best attempts to understand human nature by understanding myself. (As Thoreau remarked, “I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well.”) By identifying and labeling these posts, I'll make it possible for them to be found more easily.

So from now on, I’ll identify such pieces as “assays.” What might be an assay?
A problem in happiness: drift.
Are you annoyed by excessively cheery people? Or extremely gloomy people?
The sadness of a happiness project.
The movie "Twilight" inspires me to do a better job with some of my resolutions.
Ten myths about happiness -- which do you believe?.
Be happier: embrace the paradoxes of a happiness project.

Now I feel a lot of pressure to come up with a very big idea, so I can call it an assay. Of course my mind is going blank.

* If you love to read, be sure to check out DailyLit. Quick literary fixes in your email inbox!

* If you're giving The Happiness Project as a holiday gift, I'm happy to send you a a personalized, signed bookplate to put in it -- and just as happy to send one for you, of course. If you'd like a bookplate, email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Remember, this is an actual bookplate, so be sure to include your mailing address. Feel free to ask for as many as you like -- and they're free.

"These Are Travellers Notes Which I Offer Myself Should I Again Be Lost."

“A hint for the future. Always relieve pressure by a flight. Always violently turn the pillow: hack an outlet. Often a trifle does. A review offered of Marie Corelli by the Listener. These are travellers notes which I offer myself should I again be lost.”
-- Virginia Woolf, Diary, January 26, 1940

How many times have I read Woolf's A Writer's Diary? Countless.

* Wordle -- "beautiful word clouds." Check it out, it's terrific.

* Want a free, personalized bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project -- or for a holiday gift? Email me at grubin @ gretchenrubin dot com. Feel free to ask for as many as you’d like – and don’t forget to include your mailing address.

Trying to Make a Tough Decision? Try Asking the Five Fateful Questions.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: the 5 fateful questions to ask yourself if you're trying to make a tough decision.

When I’m reluctant to take a risk or face something uncomfortable, I ask myself these five questions which, in melodramatic form, I call the "Five Fateful Questions." They help me think clearly about a situation.

What am I waiting for?
What would I do if I weren’t scared?
What steps would make things easier?
What would I do if I had all the time and money in the world?
What is the worst, and the best, that could happen?

For example, when I considered switching from law to writing, I thought, “I’m moving to New York, the publishing capitol of the country. I have friends who are agents and writers who can give me advice. I have an idea for a book that I’m dying to write, and in fact, I’ve already started writing it. I really want to be a writer. What am I waiting for?” Nothing. I made the switch.

What about you? Do you ask yourself these questions -- or do you have a question of your own? I suspect there are more than five fateful questions! Though that phrase does have a nice ring to it. Which ones have I overlooked?

* I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Unclutterer.

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @gretchenrubin)
-- Sign up for my free monthly newsletter (about 49,000 people get it)
-- Buy the book
-- Watch the one-minute book video
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

"The Things That Go Wrong Often Make the Best Memories" -- and Further Secrets of Adulthood.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: More Secrets of Adulthood.

What have I learned, with time and experience? Not much, I fear. Here are my latest Secrets of Adulthood. Although these items may not seem particularly profound, each one was a revelation when I finally figured it out:

The things that go wrong often make the best memories.
Approval from the people you admire is sweet, but it’s not enough to be the foundation of a happy life.
If you don't really want something, getting it won't make you happy.
It’s enormously helpful, and surprisingly difficult, to grasp the obvious.
The quickest way to progress from A to B is NOT to work the hardest.
Go outside.
It’s easier to prevent pain than to squelch it. (This is true literally and figuratively.)
Where you start makes a big difference in where you end up.
Remember to choose your boss carefully.
There’s no place like home.
Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. (Actually, Voltaire came up with that one, not me.)

Here are my previously identified Secrets of Adulthood:

The best reading is re-reading.
Outer order contributes to inner calm.
The opposite of a great truth is also true.
You manage what you measure.
It's nice to have plenty of money.
By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.
People don’t notice your mistakes and flaws as much as you think.
Most decisions don't require extensive research.
Try not to let yourself get too hungry.
Even if you think they're fake, it's nice to celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day.
If you can't find something, clean up.
The days are long, but the years are short.
Turning the computer on and off a few times often fixes a glitch.
It's okay to ask for help.
You can choose what you do; you can't choose what you LIKE to do.
Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy.
What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE.
You don't have to be good at everything.
Soap and water removes most stains.
It's important to be nice to EVERYONE.
You know as much as most people.
Over-the-counter medicines are very effective.
Eat better, eat less, exercise more.
What's fun for other people may not be fun for you--and vice versa.
People actually prefer that you buy wedding gifts off their registry.
Houseplants and photo albums are a lot of trouble.
If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough.
No deposit, no return.

I've modified one Secret of Adulthood to replace "Someplace, keep an empty shelf" with "Someplace, keep an empty shelf; someplace, keep a junk drawer."

One of my favorite things to do on the Happiness Project Toolbox (okay, my favorite thing) is to see what other people are saying. A few of my favorite Secrets of Adulthood from other people include:

Some things are worth waiting for, some things are not.
It's okay to like watching cartoons (even if you are 36).
A job where someone pays you to do nothing is not awesome, it's boring.
Maturity doesn't mean acting serious all the time.
If you buy an item that has a part that will frequently need to be replaced, go ahead and buy a replacement at the same time.
When someone is mourning a loss, don't worry about saying the right thing. Just say something.
You need old friends and new friends.
Seek mentors for more than your career.
It is what it is.

I'm tempted to keep going. but will force myself to stop here. How about you? Have you identified a helpful Secret of Adulthood?

* I love getting the chance to see other bloggers face to face, so am very happy to be meeting Emily from TheMotherHood this afternoon.

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @gretchenrubin)
-- Sign up for my free monthly newsletter (about 46,000 people get it)
-- Buy the book
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
-- Watch the one-minute book video
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

Want Some Tools To Boost Happiness? Try the Happiness Project Toolbox.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I love visiting this blog’s companion site, the Happiness Project Toolbox – it’s fun to add to my own Inspiration Board, keep up with my own One-Sentence Journal (mine is a journal of what I’m reading), check my Lists, etc.

But I’m really addicted to the site because I love looking at what other people are writing. I can’t get enough of reading other people’s favorite quotations on the Inspiration Boards, seeing other people’s Personal Commandments, and all the rest. (To see what other people have added, you can click on the Tools listed across the top, or on the “more” running down the right side.)

Today, instead of proposing one of my resolutions for your happiness project, I gathered six of my favorite resolutions from that section of the Toolbox:

1. Proactive not reactive
2. Participate -- life is not a spectator sport
3. No one notices your toe polish
4. Skip junk
5. Try a little tenderness
6. Laugh out loud each day

One of my all-time favorite resolutions from the Toolbox is "No pressure knitting.” I have never knit a stitch in my life, but that resolution gave me such a clear picture of that person and that happiness project! I laughed out loud; I know exactly what that means.

One note: we all have a limited capacity for sticking to resolutions, so I try to make sure I'm getting the biggest happiness bang for the buck. For example, I'm probably be better off using my precious resolution-energy toward going for a ten-minute walk instead of trying to drink more water.

The Toolbox has a great new feature: if you're on Facebook, you can also post your entry to Facebook, so your friends can see what you're up to -- the resolutions you're making, the books you're adding to your Inspiration Board, etc. It's a lot of fun.

What resolutions have proved most helpful in your happiness project?

* I got the BIGGEST KICK out of this Funny or Die video: the very well-known singer Jewel went in disguise to sing her own songs at a karaoke bar. It's really worth watching.

Video: Do Good, Feel Good. It Really Works.

2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- last week's resolution was to Cultivate gratitude. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is Do good, feel good. It's related to the Second Splendid Truth, Part A:

One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy.
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

Have you found that "doing good" makes you happier? Do you think that the happy feeling of knowing that you've "done good" makes virtuous action less...admirable? or not?

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Quiz: Do you make other people happy?
Practice a NON-random act of kindness.
Do good, feel good.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman’s Day.

* I was veryy intrigued by a post, The Private Language of Marriage, on RealDelia ("finding yourself in adulthood") about how longtime couples develop their own catchphrases to describe situations. It was hilarious, and also very thought-provoking. I can't think of a catch-phrase like this that I use with my husband! Still thinking.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. Check out the new design! To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:
-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, “Email me for new uploads.” Or...
-- Go to your main drop-down box, click “Subscriptions,” find the GretchenRubin channel, click “Edit Subscriptions,” and check “Email me for new uploads” there.

Want To Be Happier? Avoid False Choices.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now.

I started thinking about false choices when I heard a friend describe a new job he was considering. “I don’t think I’ll take it,” he explained. “There are two ways to do that job. John Doe was the wise counselor to the boss, the old friend who had the boss’s respect and his ear. Joe Doe was the sycophant, the suck-up who told the boss what he wanted to hear and did all his dirty work. I can’t follow the first model, and I won’t follow the second model. So the job’s not for me.”

But that was a false choice. There are any number of ways to do a job; he didn’t have to limit himself to one of those two models.

I’ve noticed that in the area of happiness, people often offer false choices.

“I’d rather have three true friends, instead of tons of shallow friends.”
There aren’t just two options at the extreme. There are all kinds of friendship, along a wide spectrum of intimacy. You don’t have to choose between a “real” few and “superficial” many.

“I think it’s more important to worry about other people’s happiness, instead of thinking only about myself and my own happiness.”
Why do you have to choose? You can think about your happiness and other people’s happiness. In fact, as summed up in the Second Splendid Truth, thinking about your own happiness will help you make others happy. And vice versa!

“I believe it’s more important to be authentic and honest than it is to be positive and enthusiastic.”
Can you find a way to be authentically enthusiastic or honestly positive? In my experience, it’s often possible, though it can take a little extra work.

From Eleanor Roosevelt: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.”
Happiness is a goal and a by-product. Nietzche explained this well: “The end of a melody is not its goal; but nonetheless, if the melody had not reached its end it would not have reached its goal either. A parable.”

I think false choices are tempting for a couple of reasons. First, instead of facing a bewildering array of options, you limit yourself to a few simple possibilities. Also, the way you set up the options usually makes it obvious that one choice is the high-minded, reasonable, laudable choice, and one is not.

But although false choices can be comforting, they can leave you feeling trapped, and they can blind you to other choices you might make. “Either I can be financially secure, or I can have a job I enjoy.” “I have to decide whether to marry this person now or to accept the fact that I’m never going to have a family.”

One of my Secrets of Adulthood is "The opposite of a great truth is also true." Sometimes, the falsity of a false choice comes from the fact that both choices are true. I have more time than I think and less time than I think. I can accept myself and expect more from myself.

Can you think of examples of when you, or someone you know, fell into the trap of a false choice?

* I'm fascinated by ice sculptures, jack-o-lanterns, and radishes cut to look like flowers, so I enjoyed this video showing how someone carving roses out of a watermelon.

* I posted a question on the Facebook Page: "What was the last book that kept you awake way past your bedtime, because you couldn't stop reading?" The question generated a huge number of responses, and now I've added lots of books to my summer-reading list.

If you're also looking for a good summer book, please consider The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

"Try Something Eight Times Before You Give Up."

I've started a new feature -- the True Rules series. These aren't general rules for living, like "Enjoy the present." They're more concrete lessons that come out of people's specific experiences.

Traditions boost happiness. Every August, my college roommate comes out from California with her family to spend several weeks in New Jersey with her in-laws. At some point while she’s on the East Coast, according to our tradition, she takes the train into Manhattan, and we spend most of the day going for a long walk. (One of the nicest things about New York City is that when you walk even a mile, you feel like you’ve really traveled far; each neighborhood is so different from the others.)

We only see each other one day each year, but we cover a lot of ground on that day. Highlights of this year’s walk include her stopping to read choice bits from Coleridge’s letters, a trip to a bookstore, and our discovery that we’re both raving fans of Twilight -- we spent a long time trying to plumb the mystery of its strange power.

Along the way, I asked for a True Rule, and she had a good one:

If you can’t watch the video: “One of my True Rules – and I’ve used it with my kids a lot, and it has held true – is to try something eight times before you give up in a snit.”

Eight times is a good number. Your child begs to try something, then wants to quit right away -- eight piano lessons, eight attempts on rollerblades, eight ballet classes is enough to permit a real judgment. I'm going to try that on my children -- and on myself.

* Benjamin Franklin is one of the patron saints of people doing happiness projects; in fact, he inspired the design of my Resolution Charts. So I was thrilled to see this homage to him by Maira Kalman on her great blog, And the Pursuit of Happiness.

* Speaking of Resolutions Charts, if you'd like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.