Further Secrets of Adulthood:

 

This is very true, in my experience. If I do a little work during a vacation, say, I enjoy myself more.

Also, studies show that interrupting a pleasant experience with something less pleasant can intensify your over-all pleasure. For example, surprisingly, commercials actually make TV-watching more fun, and interrupting a massage heightens the pleasure it gives.

Have you found this to be true?

Over the weekend, I read David Rock’s very interesting book, Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long.

One strategy particularly struck me: if you’re feeling a negative emotion, you can work to reduce it by labeling it in one or two words. Note, however, that thinking or talking at length about the emotional state tends to intensify it — while simply observing and labeling it helps to quell it.

I do this myself, instinctively. I find myself thinking, “I’m overwhelmed” or “I’m frazzled” or “I’m feeling defensive” — and it’s odd how calming it is. Just putting a label on a feeling helps me to master it.

For those who enjoy reading about what’s happening in their right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex and elsewhere, Rock explains how brain function accounts for this phenomenon.

How about you? Have you ever tried a strategy like this — and did it work?

“Once in those very early days my brother brought into the nursery the lid of a biscuit tin which he had covered with moss and garnished with twigs and flowers so as to make it a toy garden or a toy forest. That was the first beauty I ever knew. What the real garden had failed to do, the toy garden did. It made me aware of nature—not, indeed, as a storehouse of forms and colors but as something cool, dewy, fresh, exuberant….As long as I live my imagination of Paradise will retain something of my brother’s toy garden.” – C. S. Lewis, Surprised by Joy

I have a passionate love for miniatures, and I understand completely the enchantment of this tiny garden. When I was young, I used to play with a hose at the base of  a tree that had a very complex sets of roots. I’d make pools, waterfalls, and gardens there.

For you Tolstoy fans–this passage also reminds me of how Tolstoy’s older brother told him about the hidden green stick that contained the secret that would bring happiness to the world. “This secret he said he had written on a green stick buried by the road at the edge of a certain ravine, at which spot (since my body must be buried somewhere) I have asked to be buried in memory of Nikolenka.”

One of the mysteries of human nature is: Why do we sometimes have to force ourselves to do the things we enjoy? —even the things we yearn to do?

A friend exemplified this perfectly when she said, “I love yoga. I look forward to it, I enjoy it when it’s happening, and I feel good when I look back on it. So why can’t I make myself go to yoga class?”

It seems like it shouldn’t be true, but it is true: often it takes discipline to take pleasure.

I have to push myself to take time to read a book, even though reading is my favorite thing to do.  I have to force myself to stop in the flower shop to buy a gardenia plant–which, by the way, I’ve been trying to get myself to do for days, but haven’t yet successfully done.

Do you ever face this? That there’s something you love to do, and is good for you, yet somehow you can’t get yourself to do it?

Happiness interview: Richie Norton.

I heard about Richie Norton’s new book, The Power of Starting Something Stupid when a friend told me about it — and what a great title, right? It reminds me of my resolution to Enjoy the fun of failure. As his book reveals, Richie has done a a lot of thinking about creativity, innovation, and risk–all of which can be important to a happy life–so I was interested to hear what he had to say.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Richie: I have to list three, because each is equally as, um, happifying— surfing, laughing with my beautiful wife, and wrestling on the trampoline with my boys. (In no particular order.)

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

I’ve always had a fairly optimistic disposition, but something I’ve learned over the years is that while optimism is certainly important and praiseworthy, it is often superficial and lacking in real substance and sustainability. An optimist feels hopeful about the future, yes, but that feeling is fleeting. Often the most well intentioned optimist in the world can find their optimism irreparably overcome by external factors. Happiness, on the other hand, is a sturdy anchor. Sincere happiness, aka happiness that is rooted in the right things, has the ability to sustain us no matter what circumstance may arrive.

This core belief about happiness was driven even deeper into conviction when our son passed away just over three years ago. It was baptism by fire. These were the circumstances, our son was dead, and there wasn’t anything we could do to change that. But still, even then, even in those darkest of hours, I knew we could go on. I knew we still had the tools to live a rich, fulfilling and happy life, because I knew then what I know now—happiness is something we choose. And when we sincerely choose happiness as a governing principle of our lives, we quickly learn that circumstance has no inherent power. Any power that our life circumstance holds, is power that we give it. To borrow a line from one of my personal heroes, Viktor Frankl (Man’s Search for Meaning), “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

This is true. My wife and I are living, breathing (blissfully happy) proof.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your
happiness?

My wife would say I spend too much time on social media. I love to explain to her that I’m doing market research, or building an audience, or trying to authentically connect with my followers, but ultimately she’s right. No matter where or how hard we look, there’s no greater happiness than being fully engaged in the present moment with the people right in front of us.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind
myself to “Be Gretchen.”)

Live to Start. Start to Live. This is one of our (many) family mottos/mantras. We call it “Gavin’s Law,” because it was born from the ashes of our son Gavin’s death (as well as the death of my brother in law, also Gavin, a couple of years prior to losing our son). Essentially these words remind us that life is short, soooo . . . Don’t wait. Start Stuff. Live now. Be present. Live with meaning and real intent.

It’s the legacy we’re striving to leave for our son. Its our attempt to turn tragedy to triumph.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort
food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).

I go surfing, or play guitar, or I get myself busy with work that matters. Normally, if I’m feeling blue, it’s because I’m feeling stuck or stagnant. Overcoming the weight of resistance is generally the biggest hurdle. Once I can get myself in motion, its remarkable how quickly my mood can shift!

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their
happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?

I find that people who are ungrateful are generally unhappy as well. On the other side of this coin, I find that people who are filled with gratitude, are generally not only happy, but exceptionally so.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a
period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy,
how did you become happier?

I moved to Brazil when I was 19 years old. For the two years that followed, I did nothing but reach out and serve others. I stayed completely focused on this work. In order to avoid distraction, I wrote home only once a week (“Hi mom! I’m not dead!) and called home only four times throughout the entire 2 year period. It was the happiest I’d ever been up until that point in my life. Now, I try to take the same lesson and integrate it into my day to day. As I seek to serve, lift and inspire others, no one wins in the happiness game more than I do.

Is there some aspect of your home that makes you particularly happy?

The people in it.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy,
didn’t – or vice versa?

It’s funny because I think it’s human nature to assume, “I’ll be happy if____” or “I’ll be happy when _____,” but in my experience this has never been the case. I may receive a surge of happiness once a goal is met, a project is completed, or a dream is made real, but sincere, lasting happiness isn’t a destination, it’s a way of living. In the words of the late and great Dr Richard Carlson, “There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.”

Bonus: Richie’s publisher has provided five give-away copies of The Power of Starting Something Stupid. Interested? Enter your info here by March 8, 5:00 pm EST. Five names chosen at random.