“…and [I] still remember it that of all the nights that ever I slept in my life I never did pass a night with more epicurism of sleep; there being now and then a noise of people stirring that waked me, and then it was a very rainy night, and then I was a little weary, that what between waking and sleeping again, one after another, I never had so much content in all my life, and so my wife says it was with her.”
–Samuel Pepys, Diary, September 23, 1661

I love this quotation. It exactly captures that delicious half-asleep, half-awake state. And I love to sleep during a rainstorm.

Have you ever passed a night like this?

Would you rather be ten minutes late, or ten minutes early?

I asked this question on my Facebook Page, and found the answers fascinating.

I would much prefer to be ten minutes early–and in fact, I usually am. My husband is the same way, which is a major contributor to the harmony of our relationship. What time to leave for the airport is a marriage question that’s more important than you might think.

How about you?

Sidenote: People who tend to be early often feel that people who are late are being passive-aggressive or disrespectful, but people who are late protest that this isn’t the case, at all. How do you weigh in on this question? (If you’re always late, here are 7 tips to help you arrive on time.)

Further Secrets of Adulthood:

 

I have Eight Splendid Truths about Happiness (very inspired by the numbered lists of Buddhism), and this is the Second Splendid Truth. People often talk about Part A, but much more rarely about Part B. But I think they’re both true–agree? disagree?

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

This Wednesday: 7 tips for making other people feel smart and insightful.

We all want to get along well with other people, and one way to do this is to help people feel good about themselves. If you make a person feel smart and insightful, that person will enjoy your company. The point is not to be manipulative, but to help other people feel good about their contributions to a conversation.

Here are some suggestions…

1. Take notes. I’m a compulsive note-taker, and I used to feel self-conscious about pulling out my little notebook and taking notes during a casual conversation. Then I noticed that people really seemed to enjoy it; the fact that I was taking notes made their remarks seem particularly insightful or valuable. Now I don’t hold myself back.

2. Refer to a comment that the person made earlier in the conversation. “This ties to your earlier point about…” This reference shows a person that you’re tracking and remembering their comments very closely. And give people credit for their ideas! The terrific Ramit Sethi gave me the idea for this post.  Relatedly…

3. If a person doesn’t finish a thought, ask him or her to pick it up again. “You said there were two reasons, but we didn’t get to the second reason.”

4. Use the person’s name—judiciously. Perhaps it’s the influence of How To Win Friends and Influence People, but some folks seem to think that throwing names around is always a winning move. I think it’s much more complicated than that. Sometimes, when someone uses my name, I feel as though I’m being manipulated, or chided, or patronized. But in the right context, it can add a very nice note.

5. As people talk about things they’ve done, take note of evidence of their admirable qualities—just in a word or two. “That must have taken a lot of research.” “You showed a lot of initiative in starting that.” When someone mentions a fact from the past, my father-in-law often remarks, “You’ve got a good memory.” It’s surprisingly gratifying.

6. Ask for advice. We all love to give advice, and feel smart when someone seeks our counsel. Even better…

7. Take someone’s advice! If you read a book that someone recommends, use a software program that someone suggests, or try a restaurant that someone loves, that person will feel brilliant. In conversation, I’m always making recommendations such as Inform Fitness gym, where I go for strength-training, and Gary Taubes’s book Why We Get Fat, and I feel enormously pleased when someone follows my suggestions.

What have I left out? What are some other ways to make people feel smart and insightful?

For the weekly videos, I now tell a story. I’ve realized that for me, and I think for many people, a story is what holds my attention and makes a point most powerfully.

This week’s story: The things that go wrong often make the best memories.

Can’t see the video? Click here.

Have you ever had something go very wrong–which then turned into a great memory?

If you want to read more along these lines, check out…

Eight excellent tips for living that my parents gave me.

Sometimes flawed can be more perfect than perfection.

Further Secrets of Adulthood.

You can also read more about this in Happier at Home, chapter 10.

Find the archives of videos here.  More than 1.3 MILLION views. Don’t forget to subscribe!