“There was an opulent sunset. I was standing under an acacia in bloom and the words ‘shower of gold’ came into my mind, followed by a surge of feeling. I call it greed, but it was more a feeling of wanting a surplus in my life, wanting to have too much of something, for a change. I didn’t want to be a candidate anymore, not for a doctorate or anything else: I wanted to be at the next level, where things would come to me, accrue to me. It was acute.”

– Norman Rush, Mating

I love this passage because it describes a feeling that I’ve often experienced, but have never quite been able to put into words myself. Do you know this feeling of “wanting a surplus,” “wanting to have too much,” where “things would accrue to me”? My sister and I sometimes talk about “wanting to get a present in the mail,” but it’s not exactly that….

Happiness interview: C.C. Chapman.

How did I first learned about C.C. Chapman? I can’t remember; it’ s lost in the sands of time. Somewhere in the wilds of the internet. He’s a writer, photographer, speaker, and creativity and social media guru, so there are a lot of ways I could have encountered him.

We finally met in real life at SXSW, the big blogger conference in Austin. He is as nice and interesting in person as he is on the screen and page.

I’m thrilled for him: his first book, Amazing Things Will Happen: A Real-World Guide on Achieving Success & Happiness, just came out. (In the photo, you can see him holding the very first copy.) Here’s what I wrote about it: “For people who want to make a leap into a new kind of career but just can’t quite make the jump, C.C. Chapman offers practical advice, real-life examples, and thoughtful, realistic encouragement that will allow them to dare to do amazing things.”

He’s done a huge amount of thinking and writing about how to make life happier, so I was very eager to get the chance to ask him some questions.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

C.C.: Cooking. It doesn’t matter if I’m scrambling some eggs or making a full on Thanksgiving dinner. When I’m in the kitchen I’m always happy.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

That there is more to life than money. When I was coming out of High School I was too focused on how much my paycheck was going to be above other things. Yes, money is important and can help you be happier, but it should never be priority one. Having a loving wife (who was my girlfriend back then) who supports me and is my best friend on top of my wife brings more happiness than any wad of cash.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

I get caught in the “click stream” as I call it sometimes. That is where you go from checking your inbox, to seeing what is being said on Twitter, then over to Facebook, then a quick look at my Google Reader and back to my inbox. Suddenly and without notice I’ll realize that an hour has gone by and I’ve really accomplished nothing. I get frustrated and angry at myself for allowing it to happen.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)

My dad always told me, “To each their own.” There are always going to be people we encounter who have different beliefs, tactics and ways they live their lives. It is way too easy to get bothered and unhappy about these people. But, if what they are doing is not directly causing you or someone you care about harm, than just let them be and move on because challenging them is not going to help you in any way and usually just adds up to more frustration. This little bit of advice has made my life MUCH happier.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?

Listening to music is the first thing that comes to mind. I’ve always loved music and popping on a favorite song or album always makes me smile. No matter how frustrated or down I might be, the right song can always make me a bit happier and break out of any funk big or small.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness? 

People say “I can’t” too much. They make excuses for why they are not doing whatever it is that they wish they were doing. When I challenge them and ask for specific reasons why they can’t do something I rarely get something that isn’t a personal roadblock that they’ve put up themselves. Sure, whatever path they are wishing they were on might not be an easy one, but life rarely is. People would be much happier if they realized that they’ve got to work hard to achieve their dreams, but that hard work towards a goal that they really want will in fact make them happier.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?

When I was much younger I was not very happy at all. I was bullied and didn’t have very many friends growing up since we moved around a lot. It had a profound effect on me and my life as I have always cherished those people that are my friends. As I got older, I realized that friends shouldn’t ever be based on quantity, but rather on quality. Having kids of my own this is something I try to teach them. Popular kids are rarely as happy as they seem on the outside. Having a core set of close and trusted friends is a cornerstone of why I’m so happy these days compared to back then.

Is there some aspect of your home that makes you particularly happy?

I work out of a home office, and I love it because I’m surrounded by memories and comforts. I have a big couch and a leather reading chair that I can kick back in and unwind. There are lots of windows to let the sun in and photos and prints all over the walls. I can’t look anywhere without seeing a knick knack or little treasure from one of my trips and I always feel comfortable and happiest there.

 

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday:  7 tips for using the abstainer/moderator split to fight holiday temptations.

Ah, the holidays. Everywhere you go, you face cookies, candy, booze, and snacks and treats of every kind. While this creates a festive atmosphere, it can also lead to a lot of anxiety and/or guilt in those of us trying to resist temptation.

As you think about how to handle holiday temptations, your strategy may depend on whether you’re a moderator or an abstainer when trying to resist temptation.

You’re a moderator if you…
– find that occasional indulgence heightens your pleasure – and strengthens your resolve
– get panicky at the thought of “never” getting or doing something

You’re an abstainer if you…
– have trouble stopping something once you’ve started
– aren’t tempted by things that you’ve decided are off-limits
(Of course, in the case of things like nicotine and alcohol, abstention is necessary.)

I’m an abstainer, without a doubt. Like Samuel Johnson, who declined an offer of wine by saying,“Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult,” I find it much easier to give things up altogether than to indulge in moderation.

For me, no gingerbread cookies, no problem; one cookie, I spend the rest of the day thinking about when and why I should get more cookies. It’s so, so, so much easier for me to abstain than to try to be moderate. You wouldn’t believe what I’m abstaining from these days! A lot.

If you’re a moderator, however, that strategy wouldn’t work for you. You’d probably be better off thinking, “I can have two cookies,” and focusing on enjoying them. You can really revel in whatever it is that you’re permitting yourself, and by putting a limit on your consumption, you may find yourself enjoying it more.

So, to apply the moderator/abstainer model to yourself when facing holiday temptations, try this:

1. Decide if you’re a moderator or an abstainer.

2. Decide what temptation you’d like to resist, and to what degree.

3. Don’t indulge on the fly. If you want to indulge, plan ahead. This helps you feel in control and also to decide where you’ll get the most bang for your temptation buck.

4. As you approach your tempting situation, imagine yourself living up to your rule. Imagine yourself skipping the cookies; or imagine yourself taking just two cookies. Think about how pleased you’ll be that you stuck to your guidelines for yourself.

5. Anticipate situations that might make it hard to stick to your rule, and have a plan to deal with it. “If X happens, then I will do Y.”

6. For moderators: it’s one thing to indulge on the day of a holiday or at a single meal. It’s another thing to indulge during the holiday season. It’s a holiDAY.

7. Remember the argument of the growing heap, or as I like to call it, the “does one coin make a person rich?” question. Of course, one cookie is no big deal.  That’s absolutely true. But be very wary of that argument.

Either strategy can help us resist temptation; as with so many aspects of the pursuit of happiness, the secret is to know yourself.

Also: it can seem friendly to urge people to break their diets, to indulge in an extra glass of wine, or to treat themselves in some way. “I can’t believe you’re not going to try this dessert, I made it myself!” “Just one won’t hurt!” “This is a party,  live a little!” But the kind thing to do, in almost every situation, is to try to help people stick to their resolutions. Of course, bullying them if you think they’re over-indulging isn’t kind, either.

How about you? Do you recognize yourself as an abstainer or a moderator? Have you found any good strategies for coping with holiday temptation?

For the weekly videos, I now tell a story. I’ve realized that for me, and I think for many people, a story is what holds my attention and makes a point most powerfully.

This week’s story: People don’t always get what they deserve. This story–about something my mother said to me–is reassuring, because it’s true. You don’t always get what you deserve, even when you work hard, and my mother’s observation has been very comforting to me in other circumstances, when things didn’t go my way.

 

If you want to read more along these lines, check out…

Happiness challenge: Saying the right thing.

Eight excellent tips for living that my parents gave me.

Has anyone ever said something to you that has stuck in your mind for years this way?

You can check out the archives of videos here.

Further Secrets of Adulthood:

 

Agree, disagree?