Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Six tips for how to fight right in front of children.

Every couple fights.

Research shows that these conflicts fall into two categories: those that can be solved, like what movie to see on Saturday night, and those that can’t be solved, like how to spend money. Unfortunately, almost 70% of conflicts fall into the irresolvable category.

Since we know we’re going to fight, it’s important to learn to fight right. Studies reveal that how a couple fights matters more to the health of their relationship than how much they fight.

A couple with children has an additional pressure on their fighting style, because they owe it to their kids to maintain a certain level of civility, even if they’d take a no-holds-barred approach in private.

Here are some tips about how to fight right in front of children:

1. Don’t get physical — obviously, not hitting, but also no throwing things, breaking things, or slamming doors.

2. Don’t criticize your spouse with sweeping generalizations, like “Your father never thinks about anyone but himself.” Instead, criticize specific actions, like “It really annoys me when your mother forgets to put gas in the car.”

3. Children are highly attuned to their parents. Don’t think they won’t notice the “silent treatment.”

4. Don’t ask your kids to tattle on a parent, or to choose a side.

5. Don’t expose your kids to inappropriate information about finances, sex, previous behavior, job worries, etc.

6. Obviously, sometimes you will fight in front of your kids. Try to do so only if you’re going to resolve the fight in that conversation. That way, you show your kids that people can fight and come to resolution.

Even better – and I’m making a big effort to do this when I fight with the Big Man when our children are around – is to joke around and be affectionate, even during a fight. This is practically impossible, but when I can manage, it makes fighting much more pleasant for me and the Big Man, as well as for our daughters.

I’m back at home after my sister’s wedding in Kansas City. It was a perfect weekend.

My mother did a tremendous amount of work for this wedding to give it a lot of beautiful, original, labor-intensive touches. I have an insatiable craving for the gold stars of praise and appreciation myself, so I kept giving gold stars to my mother – saying how wonderful, beautiful, thoughtful, well-organized, etc. etc. it was. And so did my sister.

I was struck by the fact, however, that my mother seemed only mildly gratified by this recognition. She was focused on getting everything done as best she could, and on making sure that everyone had a great time – especially the bride and bridegroom.

Which made me think about the duty to be happy. For my mother, it was far more important that my sister be happy with the wedding than that my sister be grateful or appreciative. Fortunately, that was easy. My sister loved every minute.

But what if she hadn’t been happy with the wedding? What if she’d been disappointed by the flowers, by the way the room looked, by the way the wedding turned out?

She should’ve acted exactly the way she did act: ecstatically happy.

How important it is to be easy to please! We pride ourselves on our critical faculties, our discernment, the subtle touches we use to express our personalities…but it’s far more difficult to be enthusiastic, to approve, to enjoy.

And of course, my mother had a duty to be happy, too. If she’d been snappish or frantic all weekend, because she was trying to control every little detail, she would’ve dragged down the mood.

It was tough, because my mother wanted everything to be perfect. I noticed that she kept repeating certain comments throughout the weekend, to keep herself calm.

“Often, it’s the things that go wrong that make the best memories, later.”
Someone makes a wildly inappropriate toast. The cake slides to the floor. The bride steps out of her shoe as she walks down the aisle. Later, this moment will be a wedding highlight.

“I’ll notice, but no one else will notice.”
My mother has an eye that astonishes me. As we neared the actual event, she kept reminding herself that other people wouldn’t even register details that she saw as less than perfect.

“Done’s done.”
At a certain point, my mother just let events unfold. She was able to have fun and enter into the moment instead of worrying about every little thing. This is very, very tough if you’re a perfectionist.

Research shows that your thinking style makes a real difference in your happiness. If my mother had instead been repeating phrases like, “If XYZ goes wrong, the wedding will be ruined,” “People can never do anything right,” or “We’re always unlucky with weather,” she would have been far less happy, even if the wedding had happened in the same way.

My sister and I both had this Raymond Carver poem printed in the Order of Services for our weddings.

Hummingbird

Suppose I say summer,
write the word “hummingbird,”
put it in an envelope,
take it down the hill
to the box. When you open
my letter you will recall
those days and how much,
just how much, I love you.

Now, off to primp, then to the wedding…

I’m in Kansas City for my sister’s wedding this Saturday. I got here on Tuesday, and the bride-to-be arrived Wednesday. The Big Man and our girls arrive this afternoon.

It was strange. I realized that Wednesday night was probably the last night for a long, long time that the four of us – me, my sister, my mother, my father – would be alone together. After years and years in which that was our everyday pattern, now that’s really over. From now on, we’ll always be with various husbands and children, too. Which is fun and wonderful, but not the same.

Right now, it’s not remarkable at all (obviously) for the Big Man, the Big Girl, and the Little Girl and I to be hanging around our apartment.

That night was a reminder to me that although these cozy family days seem limitless, they aren’t.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Tips for succeeding as a TV writer in Hollywood.

My sister is getting married on Saturday, so in her honor, I’m posting a list of her tips about trying to make a successful career of TV writing. She didn’t actually formulate these as tips, but every once in a while over the last few years, she’s dropped one of these truisms—which I find so interesting that I’ve remembered them all.

1. “Every stereotype about L.A. is more true than you can possibly imagine.”
My sister once went into a meeting to pitch a TV shows about a bunch of teenagers at a boarding school where they’re trained to use magical powers. The executives at the meeting said, “We love it! We absolutely love it! But what about changing the teens to adults, and setting it on Wall Street?” Just like you read about.

2. “People succeed in groups.”
We all know the uncomfortable, competitive feelings that you can get when friends score a success—it can even feel like that their success makes your own success less likely. My sister’s motto is “People succeed in groups,” so good career news for a friend is good for her, too. Not only is this line true, it makes you a much nicer person.

3. “Good news comes right away; bad news never comes.”
This rule applies when you’re waiting to hear whether people liked an idea, a proposal, a draft, etc. If you don’t hear back pretty quick, they didn’t like it.

4. “You have to live in L.A. for three years before anything much happens.”
People told my sister this when she moved out there, and indeed, after she’d been there for three years, her career really picked up speed. This is largely because relationships are so important in L.A., and it takes about three years to work up a serious network.

5. “In a meeting, if someone asks if you want something to drink, say ‘yes.’”
This is a generally applicable tip about the use of power. If you want to read more about this rule, and why it’s true, check out my book, Power Money Fame Sex: A User’s Guide.

6. “Remember, the person you hire today might be hiring you tomorrow.”
The TV business is in constant flux, and there are abrupt shifts of fortune. You’d think that as a result, people would feel compelled to be nice to everyone else, out of pure self-interest if not altruism, but they don’t.