I haven’t behaving very well lately. More specifically, I think it would be fair to say that I’ve been touchy, irritable, demanding, and humorless.

It always seems to me that my behavior is perfectly appropriate and justifiable, given the circumstances – usually, other people’s failures and faults.

Deep down, though, I know that I am the problem.

I keep thinking of the words of Goethe, “I make the weather.” “I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.”

One of my Twelve Commandments is to “Identify the problem,” so I asked myself, “Why have I slacked off in keeping my expectations for myself, and therefore made myself less happy? What’s the problem?”

And I realized that one thing that might be affecting my goal-keeping was that I’d stopped scoring myself on the daily resolution charts I kept last year. Once the official “year” of the Happiness Project was over, although I planned to keep up with all the resolutions, I thought I didn’t need to bother to score myself.

I suspect that this has really made a difference. Going over my extensive scoring chart each day made me accountable to myself, it gave me positive and negative reinforcement (those gold stars I crave!), and it kept me reviewing my vows daily.

Keeping my resolutions really does keep me happy. One major discovery from the Happiness Project is that one of my main sources of unhappiness is feeling remorse for bad behavior. And then I feel even more irritable, defensive, and humorless…it’s not a good cycle.

I just printed out a fresh set of charts and stuck them in my backpack. It looks like this may need to be a lifetime habit.

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For me, external order is a key element to internal peace — I’ve found that I’m far more serene when I’m in an environment that’s not cluttered or crowded, and clearing out the junk gives me a big boost of happiness. I got a vicarious clutter-clearing buzz from reading the A Chair is a Closet blog. The “before” and “after” pictures are an inspiration.

[Of reading the newspaper] “So much of sin and so much of suffering in the world, as are there displayed, and no one seems able to remedy either. And then the thought of my own private life, so full of comforts, is very startling.” –Thomas Arnold, diary entry of June 5, 1842.

A thoughtful reader emailed me a link to a recent Time article, Getting Serious About Happiness. It’s about Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, an expert on happiness and “flow.” His book Flow: The Pyschology of Optimal Experience is fascinating.

What interested me most was the following advice by Csikszentmihalyi:

Be attuned to what gives you genuine satisfaction. Although many people assume that popular activities like watching TV are enjoyable, their own reports generally indicate that they feel more engaged, energetic, satisfied and happy when doing other things.

Study yourself. To better understand their own happiness, Csikszentmihalyi says, people should systematically record their activities and feelings every few hours for a week or two….Afterwards, note the high points, particularly, and the low ones. Then try to adjust how you spend time according to your findings.

These underscore the importance of one of my Secrets of Adulthood: “What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you–and vice versa.”

I don’t know why this bit of wisdom is so hard to keep in mind, but it is. It has been a huge struggle for me to recognize the most obvious things about my own likes and dislikes. I only recently acknowledged to myself that I don’t particularly enjoy listening to music, and I’m not very attuned to the pleasures of food. Wine leaves me utterly cold. I don’t like sports. I don’t like mysteries.

I was also in denial about the things I did like. I love, love, love children’s literature. I love making books in all different sorts of ways. I love gathering quotations. I love making the bed in the morning. I’m very interested in the problem of obesity. I can’t read enough about St. Therese of Lisieux. I love extremely floral scents.

The problem for me comes when I wish that I did enjoy things that I don’t really enjoy, or that I have interests that I don’t really have. I have an idea of who I wish I were, and that obscures my understanding of who I actually am. But I’m trying to do a better job of keeping my first commandment: “Be Gretchen.”

For example, an extremely athletic, well-rounded friend of mine said to me, with great enthusiasm, “My idea of a great weekend is when I get outside with my kids for at least two hours before lunch and two hours after lunch.”

Now, that’s great. Healthy, active, family time. Right? Doesn’t that sound terrific?

Well, not really. Actually, I admitted to myself, my idea of a great weekend is when we all lie around reading in our pajamas until mid-afternoon.

Now, maybe that’s not the best way to spend a weekend. Maybe it wouldn’t even make me happy to do that two days in a row. (Not that it’s even possible to do, with the Little Girl.) But that’s the kind of thing I like.

I will, however, add one caveat on the observation that “What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you–and vice versa.”

There are some activities that do universally boost happiness, such as socializing with other people, exercising, being of service to others, mastering and exercising a new skill. But while one person might enjoy learning to hang-glide, another person might enjoy learning to play chess. One person might like to meet friends for coffee, another person might like to join a church choir.

Certain actions form the basis for a happy life, but we all must find for ourselves the most pleasing FORM for these activities to take. And that requires self-examination and honesty.

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Zen Habits is a blog I like to check out, so I was pleased to be asked to do an interview on “taking the plunge.”

My friend Marci is a brilliant networker. She’s constantly meeting people and, what’s more, taking the time to make useful introductions for other people. Her new book One Person/Multiple Careers just came out, so she’s been working especially hard lately.

I’m not a natural networker, just the opposite, so I study Marci to see if I can figure out how she does it – and seemingly, so effortlessly.

The other day, she mentioned, “I set a phone date to talk to that guy.”

“Phone date?” I asked. “What’s a phone date?”

Marci explained that a phone date is a date to talk to someone on the phone – not necessarily right away, just sometime in the near future – someone you want to connect with, but who lives out of town or with whom it isn’t necessary to organize an actual meeting. (“Date” as in calendar appointment, not as in romantic date.) You contact the person through email, and make an appointment to speak.

I shudder at the thought of cold-calling strangers, but I vowed that I’d give it a try.

Well, I just had my first “phone date.”

I have to say, it was a bit awkward.

The problem was that I didn’t have an agenda. I just wanted to talk happiness shoptalk with another happiness person. But I think that the conversation seemed a little aimless (or maybe even pointless) to my interlocutor.

A phone date needs a clear agenda.

Also, because I asked for the phone date, I knew all about the guy to whom I was talking, but he didn’t know anything about me. That made it harder to have a good conversation.

But a “phone date” is a useful idea. It’s convenient, efficient, and done right, could be very helpful.

Because of the nature of my work, it’s very hard for me to meet new people. I spent most of my time sitting in front of my laptop, not saying a word except to mutter to myself.

I’ve been trying to work to push outside my usual circle, and especially to meet people engaged in the fields of happiness, writing, blogging, or publishing. Even though my first attempt was awkward, I’m pleased that I connected with another person in the happiness field.

I vow to give it another shot. Next week. Or maybe the week after.

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If you’re looking for a very quick overview on the subject of happiness, you might start with this post on Life Two.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven tips for making yourself happier in the next hour.

You can make yourself happier – and this doesn’t have to be a long-term ambition. You can start right now. In the next hour, check off as many of the following items as possible. Each of these accomplishments will lift your mood, as will the mere fact that you’ve tackled and achieved some concrete goals.

1. Boost your energy: stand up and pace while you talk on the phone or, even better, take a brisk ten-minute walk outside. Research shows that when people move faster, their metabolism speeds up, and the activity and sunlight are good for your focus, your mood, and the retention of information. Plus, because of “emotional contagion,” if you act energetic, you’ll help the people around you feel energetic, too.

2. Reach out to friends: make a lunch date or send an email to a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Having warm, close bonds with other people is one of the keys to happiness, so take the time to stay in touch. Somewhat surprisingly, it turns out that socializing boosts the moods not only of extroverts, but also of introverts.

3. Rid yourself of a nagging task: answer a difficult email, purchase something you need, or call to make that dentist’s appointment. Crossing an irksome chore off your to-do list will give you a big rush of energy and cheer, and you’ll be surprised that you procrastinated for so long.

4. Create a calmer environment: clear some physical and mental space around your desk by sorting papers, pitching junk, stowing supplies, sending out quick responses, filing, or even just making your piles neater. A large stack of little tasks can feel overwhelming, but often just a few minutes of work can make a sizeable dent. Try to get in the habit of using the “one minute rule”—i.e., never postpone any task that can be completed in less than one minute. An uncluttered environment will contribute to a more serene mood.

5. Lay the groundwork for some future fun: order a book you’ve been wanting to read (not something you think you should read) or plan a weekend excursion to a museum, hiking trail, sporting event, gardening store, movie theater—whatever sounds like fun. Studies show that having fun on a regular basis is a pillar of happiness, and anticipation is an important part of that pleasure. Try to involve friends or family, as well; people enjoy almost all activities more when they’re with other people than when they’re alone.

6. Do a good deed: make an email introduction of two people who could help each other, or set up a blind date, or shoot someone a piece of useful information or gratifying praise. Do good, feel good—this really works. Also, although we often believe that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. When you act in a friendly way, you’ll strengthen your feelings of friendliness for other people.

7. Act happy: put a smile on your face right now, and keep smiling. Research shows that even an artificially induced smile has a positive influence on your emotions—turns out that just going through the motion of happiness brightens your mood. And if you’re smiling, other people will perceive you as being friendlier and more approachable.

Some people worry that wanting to be happier is a selfish goal. To the contrary. Studies show that happier people are more sociable, likeable, healthy, and productive—and they’re more inclined to help other people. So in working to boost your own happiness, you’re benefiting others as well.

Feel happier yet?

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Just for fun — Bembo’s Zoo is an animal alphabet site. The letters in each animal’s name move and rearrange themselves to form the animal. Gorgeous.