I’ve been noticing lately how critical people are. The restaurant was a disappointment, or the party was dreary, or the speakers were dull, or the kids were badly behaved, or the dinner companions were pompous, or the movie was stupid, or the book was overrated. Why must everyone do so much whining, carping, and complaining?

And, oh yeah, I think I might be getting a little over-critical, myself.

So I’ve declared this week Pollyanna Week. For one week, I’ve vowed, I won’t utter one word of criticism or complaint. If I can’t say something nice, I won’t say anything at all.

One reason I decided to do this is because of the tremendous efficacy of my commandment to “Act as I would feel.” I want to feel enthusiastic, warm, and accepting, and I’m not going to get there by constantly making snarky comments.

The other reason is that I realized the truth of Samuel Johnson’s observation: “To hear complaints is wearisome alike to the wretched and the happy.”

So I set off down the sidewalk this morning, deep in thought about Pollyanna week, and by 9:35 a.m. I’d already broken my resolution.

During my weight-training, my instructor and I were talking about mercury levels in fish. And I criticized an article I’d read recently.

“The headline was deceptive,” I said, in a disparaging tone. “It seemed to say that eating fish had been shown to be great for your health, but then the body of the article made all sorts of exceptions — like children and women of childbearing age. It was misleading.”

Then five minutes later – aaack. I realized I’d broken my resolution.

Now, it’s true, I made what I consider to be a valid criticism of the article. And it’s true that drawing distinctions and making critical judgments are crucial to sophisticated discernment.

But most of the criticism I indulge in isn’t of that sort; it’s not thoughtful critique, or constructive analysis, but instead kneejerk bad-mouthing. And so to get myself out of fault-finding mode, I’m just going to quit cold turkey instead of trying to make nice distinctions between types of criticism.

Last night I was reading a fascinating book, David Myers’s Intuition: Its Powers and Perils. And it gave me another reason to stop being so critical.

In “spontaneous trait transference,” people spontaneously and unintentionally associate what you say about the qualities of other people with the qualities of you yourself. So if I tell Jean that Pat is arrogant or stupid, unconsciously Jean will associate that quality with me. On the other hand, if I say that Pat is brilliant or hilarious, I’ll be linked to those qualities. Ever wondered why people want to kill the messenger who brings bad news? Trait transference. So by being more generous and enthusiastic, I’ll be helping my own reputation as well as other people’s.

**
At 11:45, I broke my vow again. Pollyanna Week is going to be tougher than I thought.

“It has been said…that photography is most at home with bad news. If there is a kernel of truth in this depressing accusation, it might related to Tolstoy’s outrageous calumny about happy families – that they are all alike, whereas each unhappy family is unique. The truth is that what we call happy families are not really alike, but art (unlike philosophy) does its work by citing the specific, rather than invoking general principles, and it does seem to be true that the specifics of bad news are easier to make use of artistically than the specifics of happiness.” –John Szarkowski

This wedding in India seemed to have a particularly happy vibe. As an outsider, I’m guessing that one reason was that so many guests have been longtime family friends with the families of the wedding party.

I met many people here who’ve said that their families have been friends for three generations, or that they’re old school friends; and lots of the people my age told me that their parents were also somewhere in the crowd.

This atmosphere was particularly noteworthy given the sheer size of the wedding. One night we went to a classical Indian dance performance and dinner with 1,500 guests, and 6,000 (no, that’s not a typo) attended the breakfast/lunch that was held after the actual wedding ceremony.

The wedding took place at dawn, because dawn is an auspicious time.

Of course, there were so many guests at the wedding, and I knew so little about the other people, that I might be completely wrong about surmising that this is a key factor in what seemed a very happy mood.

My sister’s wedding will have that nice atmosphere – though with only two generations of friends from Kansas City, not three. (My parents are both from North Platte, Nebraska.)

There’s a different quality to friends you’ve known from childhood. With these friends, I feel, we can always pick up where we left off. It doesn’t matter if we haven’t talked to each other for five years. And there’s greater intimacy. We know so much about each other that we have nothing to hide. And if it’s not just us, but our whole families, who are friendly with each other, then that feeling of closeness is all the greater.

The “lost wallet syndrome”: if I do something like lose my wallet, I think, “If only I could find my wallet, how happy I would be!” And when I find my wallet, I’m ecstatic – for about thirty minutes.

There are many events surrounding the wedding we’re attending, and our hosts suggested that for the actual wedding ceremony, we wear traditional Indian clothes. They took our measurements ahead of time and gave us saris for the women and churidar kurtas for the men to wear. A wonderful, generous treat.

Because one guy in our group from New York wasn’t with us when we received our packages of clothing, I grabbed his present along with ours. No big deal.

The evening before the wedding, we switched hotels for a single night. Our hotel was very far from the location of the wedding, and we wanted to be fairly close by, because the ceremony was scheduled for 6:00 a.m., an auspicious time.

We arrived at the new hotel and I realized that I must have left my friend’s package back at the first hotel. I was very annoyed, because it’s so unlike me to do something like that.

But when I called the hotel and asked them to look for it in our room, they reported that it was nowhere to be found. Uh oh.

Was it in the lobby? Had I taken it that far before forgetting it? They looked there. Nope.

Now I was really starting to panic. After our hosts had gone to so much trouble to provide these clothes, I’d feel terrible if I somehow lost my friend’s outfit. But where could it be?

Then I thought of something I might do – not that I remembered doing it, but it seemed like the kind of thing I would do. I asked the person from the hotel to go back to our room to look in our big, square suitcase. Perhaps, in a fit of tidying, I’d stuck his bag in there. And there it was.

Now that the clothes were found, someone had to drive the package from that hotel to where we were staying. At 11:00 p.m., it was allegedly on its way, but hadn’t yet arrived. I was so angry at myself — all this effort and money to fix such a stupid mistake.

The hours slipped by. But around midnight, the Big Man got a message on his Blackberry: our friend had received the clothes.

When I saw him walk into the hotel lobby at 5:45 a.m., dressed in an elegant, cream-colored churidar kurta, I felt a rush of relieved happiness. Phew! Finding that “lost wallet” meant that I had an especially wonderful time that morning.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday…Tips for living a virtuous life, from Benjamin Frankin in 1793.

As he records in his Autobiography, Benjamin Franklin “conceiv’d the bold and arduous Project of arriving at moral Perfection.”

From his reading, he came up with a catalogue of thirteen moral virtues, and he drew up a graph on which he scored his successes and failures each day.

His Project was a big inspiration for my Happiness Project — I even copied his scoring chart. Here’s his list:

1. Temperance. Eat not to Dulness. Drink not to Elevation.

2. Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling Conversation.

3. Order. Let all your Things have their Places. Let each Part of your Business have its Time.

4. Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve.

5. Frugality. Make no Expense but to do good to others or yourself: i.e., Waste nothing.

6. Industry. Lose no time. Be always employ’d in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary Actions.

7. Sincerity. Use no hurtful Deceit. Think innocently and justly; and if you speak, speak accordingly.

8. Justice. Wrong none, by doing Injuries or omitting the Benefits that are your Duty.

9. Moderation. Avoid Extreams. Forbear resenting Injuries so much as you think they deserve.

10. Cleanliness. Tolerate no Uncleanness in Body, Cloaths, or Habitation.

11. Tranquility. Be not disturbed at Trifles, or at Accidents common or unavoidable.

12. Chastity. Rarely use Venery but for Health or Offspring; Never to Dullness, Weakness, or the Injury of your own or another’s Peace or Reputation.

13. Humility. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

*
His list is still great advice — although #12 would probably be phrased a bit differently today.