This morning, the Big Girl and I had a familiar tussle, about when to leave for school. The Big Girl doesn’t just want to be on time, she wants to be early. As early as possible. And while I’m always anxious to be prompt myself, I don’t fancy standing outside her school for twenty minutes each morning, waiting for the door to open.

This morning she launched into the full works, “You don’t care if I’m late,” “We have to leave now,” etc. I pointed out that leaving at 7:40 am would mean we’d be standing outside in the pouring rain for fifteen minutes, with the Little Girl unhappily trying to bat her way out from under her stroller’s plastic rain cover. “I don’t care!” the Big Girl answered. “Can’t we just go?”

This kind of talk continued even as we walked to school (still on track to be at least ten minutes early), and I had to work very hard to keep a lid on my temper.

Then, at the corner of 87th and Park Avenue, I ran into someone I know from Kansas City. She was a few years behind me in school, but my school was so small that everyone knew everyone, more or less.

I see her around from time to time—we must live in the same neighborhood—but somehow, we’ve never spoken. Whenever I’ve spotted her, she’s been climbing into a cab, or having an intense conversation with a friend, or somehow preoccupied.

But this morning we came face to face. She was extremely friendly, “Hi, Gretchen! It’s Jane!” (not her real name).

I said hello politely, but after just a moment of chatting, said, “I’m sorry, we really need to run ahead. We’re going to be late.” I knew that every minute we stood talking was agony for the Big Girl. Completely irrational agony, but agony nonetheless.

Plus I just couldn’t manage the transition from attempted-patient-listening-to-a-crabby-kid to cheery-friendly-greeting-of-someone-from-home.

But I feel terrible, because Jane must think that I’m either very unfriendly or have some kind of grudge against her. I wasn’t rude, but I wasn’t appropriately friendly—and I wanted to be friendly, I feel very friendly towards her, and would have loved to catch up.

I tried to put on a face that signaled that I was caught up in some child-drama, but I fear that the rain, the kids’ umbrellas bobbing in our faces, and the surprise of the encounter obscured my somewhat subtle message.

The fundamental attribution error identifies our tendency to explain people’s behavior in terms of their character, abilities, intelligence, motives, etc., while overlooking the way that their situation may have influenced their actions. In other words, we over-emphasize the role that personality plays in shaping others’ behavior, while under-emphasizing the role of outside forces.

For example, you think that a co-worker ignored you because he’s rude and arrogant, but in fact, he wasn’t wearing his glasses so couldn’t make out your face.

Jane might make that kind of mistake about me. She might well imagine that I acted in a certain way because I was obnoxious, when in fact, my response to her was shaped by the situation with the Big Girl.

That’s why it’s important to keep in mind one of Life’s True Rules: Always cut people slack.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday…A simple, radical way to cut a huge number of calories out of your diet.

Don’t drink any calories. None.

That means:
- no alcohol
- no orange juice
- no Gatorade
- no Starbucks Frappuccino
- no POM Wonderful juice
- no VitaminWater
- no milk in your tea or coffee
- no Jamba Juice smoothie
- no Red Bull
- no non-diet soft drink
- no chai
- no hot chocolate

I can’t have breakfast without my grapefruit juice!
Yes, you can.

I can’t exercise without an energy drink!
Yes, you can.

I can’t have dinner without a civilized glass of wine!
Yes, you can.

I need anti-oxidants!
Drink black coffee. It’s packed with antioxidants.

I need to drink something when I exercise, or I’ll develop an electrolyte imbalance!
If you’re exercising hard enough to worry about electrolyte imbalances, it’s unlikely you need to worry about calories.

I need a healthy afternoon pick-me-up!
Eat a snack instead of drinking a smoothie. You’re unlikely to eat enough to hit the 650 calories blended into a power-sized Jamba Juice Banana-Berry smoothie.

I love orange juice!
Orange juice is delicious. It’s a real treat. If you want to cut calories out of your diet, unfortunately, you have to cut down on the treats.

But orange juice is healthy! Red wine is healthy!
If you’re drinking something for nutritional reasons, you’re better off getting those nutrients from eating food.

But it’s so few calories, it can hardly matter!
Do the math. Find out how many calories are in your favorite drink, multiply by how often you have it, and see what number pops up. Over the course of the year, little indulgences can add up to a staggering number of calories.

That’s no way to live!
Maybe not. But it is a simple way to cut out a lot of calories.

Here’s something interesting: studies show that people tend to persevere longer with problems they’ve been told are difficult, as opposed to easy. Why? It’s humiliating not to be able to do a task that’s supposed to be easy, but there’s no shame in having trouble with something difficult.

I realize that often I follow just the opposite rule: I downplay the difficulty of some job, in the belief that I’m being encouraging—say, by telling the Big Girl that it’s not hard to zip up her coat.

But now that I think about it, of course it’s discouraging when someone downplays a task that seems difficult. For instance, when one friend told me it was extremely simple to start a blog, I felt disheartened. But when another friend said that it was a pain, but that she’d give me a lot of advice to make it easier, I felt encouraged.

It works the same way with asking people to do a task: if you ask someone to do something, and you characterize it as difficult or a lot of trouble, paradoxically, in my experience, people are more willing to help. They know you recognize their effort. Once a friend sent me an email with the subject line, “Quick favor.” In fact, the favor was going to take some work on my part, and I was irritated by her characterization of it as easy.

The Big Man makes this mistake when he asks me to do something I don’t like to do, like call a repairman, and tells me, “It’s no big deal.” Well, if it’s no big deal, do it yourself!

Actually, now that I think back, I’ve noticed that he’s changed his tactics to say things like, “This will be a big pain, but could you…?” or “Could I ask you to do me a big favor?” And being asked in this way does make it easier for me to say “yes.”

Now, why does this bit of useful psychology relate to happiness? Because by showing sympathy for others’ difficulties, you cheer and encourage them—rather than accidentally discouraging them (though with all good intentions), by minimizing their efforts.
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I just found a very funny and helpful new blog, Fast Dads – dad-centric parenting advice.

Like just about everyone in New York City, I’ve been thinking a lot about the events of five years ago.

For me, tied in my mind to the day of September 11, 2001, was a day a month later, in October. I was in the middle of my research on Winston Churchill, for my book Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill.

As I was reading some of Churchill’s speeches, I saw that on September 11, 1940, Churchill gave a broadcast about the “Blitz,” the brutal nightly bombing of London.

One of the most striking things about New York City in the period after the attack on the World Trade Center was that, despite the shock and devastation, there was a tremendous mood of morale and determination.

Churchill’s words seemed to have been written for our own circumstances.

These cruel, wanton, indiscriminate bombings of London are, of course, a part of Hitler’s invasion plans. He hopes, by killing large numbers of civilians, and women and children, that he will terrorise and cow the people of this mighty imperial city, and make them a burden and anxiety to the Government…Little does he know the spirit of the British nation, or the tough fibre of the Londoners…who have been bred to value freedom far above their lives. This wicked man, the repository and embodiment of many forms of soul-destroying hatred, this monstrous product of former wrongs and shame, has now resolved to try to break our famous Island race by a process of indiscriminate slaughter and destruction. What he has done is to kindle a fire in British hearts, here and all over the world, which will glow long after all traces of the conflagration he has caused in London have been removed.

“The Chinese have a theory that you pass through boredom into fascination and I think it’s true. I would never choose a subject for what it means to me or what I think about it. You’ve just got to choose a subject, and what you feel about it, what it means, begins to unfold if you just plain choose a subject and do it enough.” –Diane Arbus.