For the weekly videos, I now tell a story. I’ve realized that for me, and I think for many people, a story is what holds my attention and makes a point most powerfully.

This week’s story: Now I’m free from French fries. It relates to one of my favorite subjects: the abstainer/moderator split.

 

Can’t see the video? Click here.

If you want to read more along these lines, check out…

Want to be free from French fries? Or, why abstaining may be easier than you think.

Are you an Abstainer or a Moderator?

Trying to resist holiday temptations? 7 tips for abstainers and moderators.

You can also read more about this in Happier at Home, chapter six.

Find the archives of videos here.  More than 1.3 MILLION views. Don’t forget to subscribe!

My recent post, Beware of “decoy habits,” spurred a lot of conversation, and it’s clear to me that the subject is much more complex, and interesting, than I initially realized.

Readers made many thought-provoking comments. One reader pointed to research that suggests that talking about a goal can lead to the false feeling of already having achieved that goal. I’ve seen that research–and I’ve also seen research suggesting that talking about a goal can help you stick to that goal, by making you feel more committed, and also more accountable to the people you’ve told. So it seems to go both ways.

From my own experience–a statistically insignificant yet often helpful data point–this is a point on which people differ. Some do better if they don’t talk it up too much; some do better if they tell others what they want to do.

Exhibit A is my former roommate, who told people that she did yoga, and telling them seemed to convince her that she did, in fact, do yoga. Perhaps discussing it undermined her determination actually to do it.

Exhibit B is my friend who is trying to drink less, who says it’s very helpful to her to announce, “I’m cutting back on my drinking, so I’m only having one glass of wine tonight.” For her, telling people adds an important layer of external accountability.

I’m curious: in your personal experience: Does announcing a resolution make you more likely to keep it, or less likely–or neither?

I don’t think it matters much to me whether I announce it or not–I suspect that’s a result of my Upholder nature.  How about you?

“I lent some stories to a country lady who lives down the road from me, and when she returned them, she said, “Well, them stories just gone and shown you how some folks would do,” and I thought to myself that that was right; when you write stories, you have to be content to start exactly there—showing how some specific folks will do, will do in spite of everything.”

–Flannery O’Connor, “Writing Short Stories,” in Mystery and Manners

I’m not sure why I love this quotation so much, but I think about it all the time. Perhaps it’s because in my own writing, I’m always trying to understand what I’m seeing right in front of me–what some folks (including me) will do, will do in spite of everything.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about “decoy habits” (still pondering whether this is a good name). A decoy habit is a habit that a person claims to want to adopt—but really doesn’t intend to do. Often, decoy habits reflect other people’s values or priorities. “I want to cook dinner every night.” “I want to finish my Ph.D. thesis by the end of the year.” “I want to give up coffee.”

The decoy provides cover—we don’t have to acknowledge the habits that we actually follow, because there’s this other, better habit that we intend to adopt. As an Upholder, who takes all announced aims very seriously, I get very uneasy in the presence of a decoy habit.

I first noticed this type of decoy when I sat next to a man at a dinner party.

“I really should exercise,” he said in an unconvincing tone. He certainly looked like a person who should exercise. He was at least forty pounds overweight, and he looked puffy and uncomfortable. I said, “Why don’t you exercise?”

“I don’t have time, and I travel so much. It’s really not feasible for me. Also my knee bothers me.”

“It sounds like you actually don’t want to exercise,” I pointed out.

“Oh, I do,” he answered. “I need to do it. Periodically my wife and kids sit me down. I’m going to get started.” But he didn’t sound as though he meant it.

Decoy habits are harmful, I think, because they allow us to pretend to have certain aims or values that we don’t really have. Maybe we don’t want to admit what we really want to do, or maybe two values are in conflict. Ironically, I suspect that if my dinner partner had said, “I don’t intend to exercise,” and accepted the consequences of that habit, he might help convince himself that he should exercise. But by voicing the decoy, by saying, “I plan to start exercising,” he avoided acknowledging his true intentions.

As I said, I’m still pondering this idea. Does it strike a chord with you? Have you recognized this in yourself, or someone else?

Every Wednesday is List Day, or Tip Day, or Quiz Day.

This Wednesday: The 10 inalienable rights of the reader.

A thoughtful reader pointed out a wonderful list written by French author Daniel Pennac, in The Rights of the Reader.

As someone who loves to read–practically to the exclusion of everything else–I love this list.

The 10 Inalienable Rights of the Reader
1. The right not to read
2. The right to skip
3. The right not to finish a book
4. The right to re-read
5. The right to read anything
6. The right to “Bovary-ism,” a textually transmitted disease (the right to mistake a book for real life)
7. The right to read anywhere
8. The right to dip in
9. The right to read out loud
10. The right to be silent

If you’d like to see the list as illustrated by Quentin Blake, look  here.

I recently posted about my new determination “not to finish a book,” and I fully support #3. I love to re-read, so I was happy to see #4. My younger daughter is a big supporter of #9. My husband practices #8.

What do you think  of the list? Anything you’d add–or with which you disagree?