“The sacrifice of pleasures is of course itself a pleasure.”

– Muriel Spark, Loitering With Intent

This observation stopped me in my tracks. Agree or disagree?

So much of my Happiness Project is aimed at helping me curb my very strong tendency to “talk in a mean voice” or “make a mean face” (which is how my daughters refer to this behavior). In a flash of irritation or anger, I snarl at my sweet daughters or my good-natured husband.

They don’t like this, and I don’t like this. These outbursts are short, but they really sour the atmosphere of our home. Paradoxically, too, I often behave worse afterwards, instead of better, because my guilt about losing my temper puts me in a bad mood, which makes it even harder to behave myself.

I follow many resolutions meant to keep me from boiling over in this way. I get enough sleep. I get up earlier so I have time to get organized in the morning. I don’t let myself get too hungry. I make more time to read. I manage mild pain and discomfort. I enforce a quitting time on myself. I try to make a joke when things that go wrong.

I’m doing better (I think). But still, many times each week, I act in this way.

Do you struggle to keep your temper with your family? What resolutions work for you? I could really use a few more to add a few more into the mix.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in — no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I remind myself of this all the time.

Do you agree? Disagree?

Every Wednesday is List Day, or Tip Day, or Quiz Day.

This Wednesday: a list from divorced people about four important ways to show love.

Yesterday, the Wall Street Journal had an interesting piece by Elizabeth Bernstein on The Divorce’s Guide to Marriage. It discusses  marriage research by Terri Orbuch (I draw on this research myself, in Happier at Home) in which divorced people were asked what they’d learned about relationships from that experience.

No surprise, they emphasize the importance of “affective affirmation,” which is psych speak for making loving gestures such as kissing, hand-holding, giving compliments, and saying “I love you.” Fact is, people do feel closer to each other when they regularly demonstrate loving feelings.

Orbuch reports that divorced people identified four important ways to show affection:

1. How often a spouse showed love

2. How often a spouse made a person feel good about the kind of person he or she was

3. How often a spouse made a person feel good about having individual ideas and ways of doing things

4. How often a spouse made life interesting or exciting.

After I read Orbuch’s research in 5 Simple Steps To Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, as part of the research for Happier at Home,  I made the resolution to “Kiss in the morning, kiss at night.” (Related to my resolution to “Hug more, kiss more.”)  It might seem a bit silly to have a schedule for something like kissing my husband, but I realized that making frequent gestures of affection and connection is very important. It definitely makes me happier.

This list above is interesting to me, though, because it expands on the idea of showing affection. People in a relationship don’t want just to hold hands, though that’s important; they want to feel worthy, admirable, and interesting.

It’s helpful for me to think about this, because in my happiness project, I tend to think more about stopping negative behaviors  than adding positive behaviors. For instance, I try to curb my very definite tendencies to keep score, to “talk in a mean voice” as we call it in our house, and to try to pin the blame for things on my husband. (You see why I work on these tendencies!)

Do you think that “affective affirmation” is important to you, in your relationship? What are some ways that you regularly show affection?

Each week, I post a video about some Pigeon of Discontent raised by a reader. Because, as much as we try to find the Bluebird of Happiness, we’re also plagued by those small but pesky Pigeons of Discontent.

This week’s Pigeon of Discontent, suggested by a reader, is:  “I catch other people’s bad moods.”

 

Do you notice my Bluebird of Happiness mug? My sister gave that to me for Christmas. I wanted to give it a cameo!

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

Are you annoyed by excessively cheery people? Or extremely gloomy people?

A new study shows that happiness is contagious.

7 strategies for coping with an irritable sweetheart or spouse.

Have you found any helpful ways to insulate yourself against other people’s bad moods? I find it really tough to do.