Every Wednesday is List Day, or Tip Day, or Quiz Day.

This Wednesday: a list from divorced people about four important ways to show love.

Yesterday, the Wall Street Journal had an interesting piece by Elizabeth Bernstein on The Divorce’s Guide to Marriage. It discusses  marriage research by Terri Orbuch (I draw on this research myself, in Happier at Home) in which divorced people were asked what they’d learned about relationships from that experience.

No surprise, they emphasize the importance of “affective affirmation,” which is psych speak for making loving gestures such as kissing, hand-holding, giving compliments, and saying “I love you.” Fact is, people do feel closer to each other when they regularly demonstrate loving feelings.

Orbuch reports that divorced people identified four important ways to show affection:

1. How often a spouse showed love

2. How often a spouse made a person feel good about the kind of person he or she was

3. How often a spouse made a person feel good about having individual ideas and ways of doing things

4. How often a spouse made life interesting or exciting.

After I read Orbuch’s research in 5 Simple Steps To Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, as part of the research for Happier at Home,  I made the resolution to “Kiss in the morning, kiss at night.” (Related to my resolution to “Hug more, kiss more.”)  It might seem a bit silly to have a schedule for something like kissing my husband, but I realized that making frequent gestures of affection and connection is very important. It definitely makes me happier.

This list above is interesting to me, though, because it expands on the idea of showing affection. People in a relationship don’t want just to hold hands, though that’s important; they want to feel worthy, admirable, and interesting.

It’s helpful for me to think about this, because in my happiness project, I tend to think more about stopping negative behaviors  than adding positive behaviors. For instance, I try to curb my very definite tendencies to keep score, to “talk in a mean voice” as we call it in our house, and to try to pin the blame for things on my husband. (You see why I work on these tendencies!)

Do you think that “affective affirmation” is important to you, in your relationship? What are some ways that you regularly show affection?

Each week, I post a video about some Pigeon of Discontent raised by a reader. Because, as much as we try to find the Bluebird of Happiness, we’re also plagued by those small but pesky Pigeons of Discontent.

This week’s Pigeon of Discontent, suggested by a reader, is:  “I catch other people’s bad moods.”

 

Do you notice my Bluebird of Happiness mug? My sister gave that to me for Christmas. I wanted to give it a cameo!

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

Are you annoyed by excessively cheery people? Or extremely gloomy people?

A new study shows that happiness is contagious.

7 strategies for coping with an irritable sweetheart or spouse.

Have you found any helpful ways to insulate yourself against other people’s bad moods? I find it really tough to do.

Assay: I’ve been thinking a lot about moderation lately.

I’m an abstainer, so moderation is often tough for me (are you an abstainer or a moderator?), but I certainly hear people talk about their striving for moderation, and I strive for moderation in many areas of my life.

But while moderation is often a helpful goal, it can also be deceptive. It’s easy to forget that “moderation” is a relative term, and if you’re aiming for moderation, it’s helpful to ask yourself, “Moderation, in comparison to what?”

I thought of this when a friend told me he was going to cut back on his drinking. “I don’t need to quit, but I want to keep it in moderation,” he said. “So I’m going to limit myself to two drinks a night.” Zoikes, I thought, I don’t have two drinks in a month. I’m not saying that two drinks is too much, but rather, the idea that a particular amount is “moderate” depends on your point of view.

Along the same lines, in his brilliant book Why We Get Fat, Gary Taubes points out that two hundred years ago, we ate less than a fifth of the sugar that we eat today. So eating a  “moderate” amount of sugar by today’s standards could be considered excessive by historical standards.

When I was in law school, I had a housemate who never got any exercise. None. Because of a medical issue, her doctor told her to start getting “moderate” exercise. Her solution was to walk from our house to the law school a few times a week, instead of driving the way she usually did.  “Wow,” she’d say proudly, “I walked today.” Now, we lived three blocks from school; was this what her doctor meant by moderate exercise? She thought so.

One person’s excessive TV-watching is another person’s moderate TV-watching. And so on.

Our sense of what’s “moderate” is also affected by the psychological phenomenon of “false consensus.” We tend to believe that other people agree with us, even when they don’t, and to overestimate the commonness of our preferences and habits. Because we think people are more like us than they are, we assume that what seems “moderate” to us is objectively moderate.

Also, because of “homophily,” which is the tendency of people to associate with similar people, we tend to be friends with people who have the same sense of how much drinking, or sugar, or exercise, or reading, is moderate or excessive. So you do, in fact,  see your tendencies reflected in the people around you.

Cocktail-party trick: the false-consensus effect is a way to get a (possibly) truthful answer from someone who might not be forthcoming. If you ask a question like, “Do you think most people pay their taxes?” “Do most married couples fight a lot?” or “Do most people take home a lot of office supplies?” you’ll probably get an answer that reflects what your interlocutor does do–even if he or she might not admit it, if you asked straight up.

I’m not arguing that moderation is a bad goal–often, I think, it’s a worthy goal–but rather, we need to take the time to think about what we considerate “moderate,” and why.

What do you think? Do you aim for moderation? How do you decide what is “moderate”?

“Conscious self-denial leaves a man self-absorbed and vividly aware of what he has sacrificed; in consequence it fails often of its immediate object and almost always of its ultimate purpose. What is needed is not self-denial, but that kind of direction of interest outward which will lead spontaneously and naturally to the same acts that a person absorbed in the pursuit of his own virtue could only perform by means of conscious self-denial.”

– Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

Agree, disagree? Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how a feeling of deprivation is very unhelpful–even when I’m the one doing the depriving of myself.

When I feel deprived, I feel resentful and also spend a lot of time pondering what I therefore “deserve” or “have earned” or how unfair it is.

But the opposite of a great truth is also true, and there can also be great pleasure in self-denial.

What do you think?

On Fridays, I usually suggest a resolution for you to consider for your own happiness project–something like Make your bed or Imitate a spiritual master or Cultivate good smells.

Today, however, I want to ask a question.

Imagine that you’ve been sprinkled with some fairy dust that allowed you to keep a resolution without any effort at all. What resolution would make the biggest difference to your happiness?

This isn’t a wish-come-true, like “Win the lottery,” but an actual resolution that you could follow–but effortlessly. For instance, the ability to “Quit smoking” without effort might give you the biggest boost you could imagine.

As you think about what your resolution would be, be very specific. Not “Exercise regularly” but “Go for a twenty minute walk every day before work,” or “Go to the gym every other day.” Not “Eat more healthfully,” but “Pack my own lunch instead of getting fast food” or “Eat salad for lunch.” Not “Spend more time with my family,” but “Read a chapter out loud to my kids at bedtime” or “Plan a fun family outing for Saturday mornings.”

So…what’s your resolution? Why would this resolution make such a difference to your happiness, how would your life be different?

You know what my next question is going to be.

Now that you’ve imagined the resolution that would bring you a real happiness lift, are there ways you could follow that resolution now? You don’t have the fairy dust that would make it effortless–but maybe you can do it anyway.

What do you think?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in — no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.