Happiness interview: Kelle Hampton.

Writer and photographer Kelle Hampton has a longtime blog, Enjoying the Small Things, where she writes about the simple things, with gorgeous photos alongside.

She just published her first book, Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected, about the first year of her daughter Nella’s life. When Nella was born, they discovered that she has Down syndrome, and Bloom recounts Kelle’s changing perspectives and expectations. The book is riveting, and is also accompanied with hundreds of beautiful photographs.

Kelle writes a lot about happiness, so I was eager to interview her and hear more about her thoughts on the subject.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Kelle: Bubble baths.

 What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old? 

I know now that I am 100% responsible for my own happiness.  It is a state of mind that is cultivated by my own choices and habits, not things or people.  Yes, my children make me happy.  Yes, sitting at the beach and watching a sunset makes me happy.  But I cannot rely on other people and my environment to make me happy.  I don’t ever want to make the mistake of thinking my happiness is dependent on something–a different job, more money, another child, wood floors, a remodeled bathroom, etc.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

Whenever I compare myself with others, my happiness takes a shot in the back.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)

I choose one-word mantras that I say out loud to myself.  Sometimes they last a year, sometimes only a couple months, and I choose them based on the events in my life and what I need to remember.  When Nella turned one and I looked back and marveled at how much I had grown that year, I went in to the new year with “capable” as my word.  I learned just how capable I was to face challenges, take care of my family, love my children and grow and, from that, I felt empowered to embrace a new year, knowing that when I struggled, I could whisper to myself, “You are capable” and believe it.  This year, I use the word “compassion” a lot.  I think compassion, whether it’s intended for others or ourselves, is kryptonite to so many negative emotions–doubt, self-analyzing, comparing ourselves to others, frustration, anger, sadness, stress, fear.  When I feel any of these emotions creeping up, I practice a quick meditation exercise, focusing on embracing these emotions but transforming them into compassion–breathing out kindness and love both for myself and those around me.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).

Music and walks.  It is a fool-proof way for me to center myself into a state of calm and gratitude.  I have an “Inspired” playlist on my iPod–songs that move me, make me happy, make me think, make me want to run twirling through the streets like Fraulein Maria in the grassy hills.  When I’m feeling down, I like to take a walk with my music.  I focus on my steps, my breathing, the sky, the sunlight and, without fail, by the time I’ve walked a couple blocks, there is an undeniable presence of more peace and more awareness of what really matters.  I like to take these walks alone, but if my husband isn’t home to watch the kids, I don’t let that stop me.  I’ve strapped my girls into the stroller many times and have told them we’re going on a “quiet walk.”

Is there some aspect of your home that makes you particularly happy? 

There are three things in my home I can’t live without–quilts, candles and photographs.  The combination of these elements tells the story of our family.  No matter how many toys are scattered on the floor or how many laundry baskets are piled up, it feels homey to me when there’s a stack of quilts on the trunk in the corner, when I can smell fig and citrus and see a little flame flickering from the bookshelf, and when I can look around and see our favorite moments and my favorite people framed on my walls.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?

When I was eighteen, I signed up to be a summer camp counselor at a pediatric cancer camp.  I expected it would be nothing but heartbreaking–that I would be overwhelmed with pity and sadness, but I thought it would be good for me and I wanted to help.  At orientation, I was given my counselor pack which included my camp t-shirt.  The screen print on the back read, “Camp Catch-a-Rainbow: The Happiest Place on Earth.” And it was. There was an indescribable freedom at that camp to “just be.”  In the midst of everything these kids had gone through–sickness, hospital stays, hair loss, etc.–they came to camp because they wanted to have fun.  They talked about their illness with such honesty and courage, it made me evaluate my own life and what I had to learn.

I returned every summer for four years not just because those kids needed volunteers to help run their camp but because I craved the happiness, the laughter, the dancing, the stories, and the way each summer, I left camp feeling empowered.

Ten years later, my own personal experience of welcoming my second daughter mirrored those first camp feelings.  Certainly, raising a child with Down syndrome was something I thought would be nothing but devastating.  How wrong I was.  Sometimes, happiness can be found in the most unlikely experiences and, once again, I am reminded that happiness is not determined by things or people but by our choices and habits.  I choose to be happy.

Every Wednesday is List Day, or Quiz Day, or Tip Day.

This Wednesday: A list of common false choices.

It’s very easy to fall into the happiness trap of false choices–of thinking you can either do X or Y, and that’s the choice you have to make.

False choices are tempting for a couple of reasons. First, instead of facing a bewildering array of options, you limit yourself to a few simple possibilities. Also, the way you set up the options often makes it obvious that one choice is the high-minded and reasonable choice, and one is not.

But although false choices can be comforting, they can leave you feeling trapped, and they can blind you to other choices you might make.

“I’d rather have a few true friends instead of tons of shallow friends.”
You don’t have to choose between a “real” few and “superficial” many. I have intimate friends and casual friends. I have work friends whom I never see outside a professional context. I have childhood friends whom I see only once every ten years. I have several friends whose spouses I’ve never met. I have online friends whom I’ve never met face-to-face. These friendships aren’t all of equal importance to me, but they all add warmth and color to my life.

“I think it’s more important to worry about other people’s happiness, instead of thinking only about myself and my own happiness.”
Why do you have to choose? You can think about your happiness and other people’s happiness. In fact, as summed up in the Second Splendid Truth, thinking about your own happiness will help you make others happy. And vice versa!

“Either I can be financially secure, or I can have a job I enjoy.”

“If I don’t want to live in a chaotic, clutter-filled house,  I need to get rid of all my stuff.”

“I’d rather have an interesting life than a happy life.”

“It’s more important to be authentic and honest than it is to be positive and enthusiastic.”
Can you find a way to be authentically enthusiastic or honestly positive? In my experience, it’s often possible, though it can take a little extra work.

“I can care about people, or I can care about possessions.”

From Eleanor Roosevelt: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.”
Happiness is a goal and a by-product. Nietzche explained this well: “The end of a melody is not its goal; but nonetheless, if the melody had not reached its end it would not have reached its goal either. A parable.”

One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “The opposite of a great truth is also true.” Sometimes, the falsity of a false choice comes from the fact that both choices are true. I have more time than I think and less time than I think. I can accept myself and expect more from myself. I want an empty shelf, and I want a junk drawer.

In further illustration of that point, false choices  themselves can sometimes be unhelpful but at other times, helpful.

A false choice can be an indirect way for you to figure out what you really want; the way you’ve framed the question reveals the path you want to take. For instance, a reader emailed me and, after a long explanation of his situation, wrote, “So the question is: do I decide to risk everything to pursue a life of meaning and happiness, or do I stay stuck in my boring job?”  That may have been a false choice, but in any event, it was pretty clear he’d made his decision!

Can you think of examples of when you, or someone you know, fell into the trap of a false choice? What was it?

Each week, I post a video about some Pigeon of Discontent raised by a reader. Because, as much as we try to find the Bluebird of Happiness, we’re also plagued by the Pigeons of Discontent.

This week’s Pigeon of Discontent, suggested by a reader, is: “I envy my friends.”

 

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

What makes you “feel bad”?

 Can a negative emotion like regret actually help make you happier? I think so.

Do you sometimes find it hard to be happy when your friends succeed?

How about you? Have you found any good ways to deal with feelings of envy–or other negative emotions? Do you sometimes find it hard to be happy for your friends?

You can post your own Pigeon of Discontent at any time; also, from time to time, I’ll make a special call for suggestions.

You can check out the archives of videos here.

“If God had not made brown honey, men would think figs far sweeter than they do.”

–Xenophanes

They say that “Comparisons are odious,” but lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the effect of comparison on happiness–and on perception generally. Comparison to others, comparison to the past, imagined comparison, comparison across experiences…it has a powerful influence on our thinking.

I’ve always loved paradoxes and koans, and was very struck by an observation by physicist Niels Bohr: “There are trivial truths and great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true.”

This is very true in the area of happiness, and in particular, I’ve noticed it with my resolutions. In many cases, my most important resolutions come paired with the opposite resolutions, and yet both are important to my happiness.

This tension was beautifully illustrated in a novel I love, Vikram Chandra’s mesmerizing Sacred Games. “Sartaj was thinking about how uncanny an animal this life was, that you had to seize it and let go of it at the same time, that you had to enjoy but also plan, live every minute and die every moment.”

Of everything I’ve ever written, I think this short paradox–The days are long, but the years are short–resonates most with people. (Watch the one-minute video here.)

I want to Be Gretchen and accept myself, but I also want to perfect my nature (as this entire project demonstrates). I want to think about myself so I can forget myself. I want to work on my own happiness so I can make other people happier.

I want to lighten up and not take myself so seriously — but I also want to take myself more seriously.

I want to spend my time efficiently and not waste it, but I also want to wander, to play, to fail, to read at whim.

I want to be free from envy and fear of the future, and live fully in the present moment — but not lose my ambition.

Control and mastery are key elements of happiness; so are novelty and challenge.

Everything matters, and nothing matters. As Samuel Butler wrote in his Notebooks, “Everything matters more than we think it does, and, at the same time, nothing matters so much as we think it does. The merest spark may set all Europe in a blaze, but though all Europe be set in a blaze twenty times over, the world will wag itself right again.”

Happiness doesn’t always make me feel happier.

Somewhere, keep an empty shelf; somewhere, keep a junk drawer.

Flawed can be more perfect than perfection. In Japanese, there is a beautiful term, wabi-sabi, which describes the special beauty of the imperfect, the incomplete, and the transient. Superficially similar, but actually different in meaning (as I understand it), is the phrase from software development, Worse is better.

Go slow to go fast.

Do it now. Wait.

A few years ago, my one-word theme for the year was Bigger. My sister chose Smaller.

Have you found any paradoxes that have been important to your happiness? Contrary resolutions that you try to follow in both directions?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in — no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.