Further Secrets of Adulthood:

 

The fact is, if you want more or less of something in your life, it’s very helpful to measure it, because you manage what you measure. I’m now calling this the “Strategy of Monitoring.”

Maybe there’s something you’d like to change in your life — to get more of something good or less of something bad. Try this: figure out a very concrete way to measure and track it. By counting the things that count — and pushing yourself to find a way to count the things that seem as if they can’t be counted — you make sure they’re part of your life.

Agree, disagree?

“No matter how mundane some action might appear, keep at it long enough and it becomes a contemplative, even meditative act.”

–Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

One of the most important elements of my identity is my identity as a reader. I love to read–really, if I’m honest with myself, it’s practically the only activity that I truly love to do.

As part of that identity, I’d developed the habit of finishing every book I read. Once I started, I felt committed. A “real” reader like me finishes books and also gives authors the benefit of the doubt (“maybe this book will get better after the first 50 pages”). Right?

But I realized that I was spending a fair amount of my precious reading time reading books that didn’t really interest me. I’d finish these just because I felt as though I “should” and for the bragging rights of being able to say that I’d read them.

I decided to set myself a new habit: Stop reading a book if I don’t enjoy it. (I consider getting valuable information from a book as a form of “enjoyment,” even if I don’t particularly enjoy the experience of reading it.)

I’ve put down several books over the last few weeks–and it is such a relief. More time for reading good books! Less time reading books out of a sense of obligation.

Do you feel as though once you start a book, you must finish? Or do you put down books half-read? I’ve heard speculation that using an e-reader makes people more likely to stop reading a book. Do you find that to be true?

Happiness interview: Heidi Grant Halvorson.

For a long time, I’ve been fascinated by Heidi Grant Halvorson’s work: she studies the science of motivation.

She has a new book out: Focus: Use Different Ways of Seeing the World for Success and Influence. It’s about how to understand yourself and others better, so you can use that information to motivate yourself and the people around you. It’s grounded in science, and very practical as well.

Motivation is an issue that comes up frequently when you’re trying to make your life happier. How do you stick to the resolutions that you’ve decided to make? I was very curious to hear how Heidi would answer these questions about happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Heidi: I like to take little breaks throughout the day to find something to laugh about – fortunately, the internet has made this very easy for me to do.  I’ll be in the middle of writing and begin to feel tired or frustrated, and I’ll just take a quick break to watch a funny little video or read something amusing.  I immediately feel both happier and replenished, like I’ve filled up the gas tank when it was getting low. Twitter is a goldmine for quick moments of laughter- Steve Martin’s Twitterfeed alone has brightened my day countless times.  I should send him a fruit basket.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

I am just shy of 40 years old.  I spent last Saturday night at home, in a t-shirt and pajama pants, rereading a favorite novel and listening to the sounds of my husband and children playing video games in the next room.   It was wonderful.

If you could talk to my 18 year old self, and describe this evening that awaits her 20+ years into her future, she would be utterly devastated to learn that her life turned out to be so boring.  That a Saturday night spent reading a book  – not even a new book – would qualify as great time.  “What the hell happens to me?” she would wonder.

Research suggests (and my own experience has shown me) that what it means to be “happy” slowly evolves into something very different from our youthful idea of happiness.   Happiness for the young is largely about anticipating the joys of new accomplishments –  finding love, getting ahead at work, and buying your first home.

As we grow older, we find that happiness becomes more and more about being content in our current circumstances, and hanging on to what we’ve already got – working things out with your spouse, staying healthy, and being able to make your mortgage payments.

Another way to think of this change is as a gradual shifting from the promotion mindset (i.e., seeing your goals in terms of what you can gain and how you can advance) to the prevention mindset (i.e., seeing your goals in terms of avoiding loss and keeping things running smoothly.) For promotion-focused people, happiness feels like excitement, elation, cheerfulness.  For the prevention-focused, happiness is more about serenity, relaxation, and contentment.  These days, I’m much more the latter than the former. [If you want to find out whether you're promotion or prevention-focused, you can take a free online assessment on Heidi's website.]

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

I expect to be able to to “do it all” – and then I get angry and disappointed with myself when I feel I’m falling short.  For example, when it comes to being a parent, I’m very prevention-focused.  I’m constantly on the look out for what could go wrong, and striving to keep my kids healthy and safe.  When you are prevention-focused, avoiding mistakes and careful planning are your strengths.  Having fun, being creative, and taking chances are not your strengths.  (Those are promotion-focused strengths).  So my husband (who is a promotion-focused Dad) is the popular one, because he’s all about adventure and good times, and I’m all about clean underwear and flu shots.

I get frustrated with myself for not being able to “lighten up” and have fun with the kids more, but the truth is we really can’t be good at everything – every way of looking at your goals at work and in life has it’s upside and downside.  And I’m giving my children something they need just as much as they need fun and adventure – whether they realize it or not.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Enjoy the fun of failure.”)

I like to say “Don’t visualize success – visualize the steps you will take to make success happen.”  But I think that applies to happiness equally well.   It’s tempting to spend a lot of time imagining what it would be like to be happy, but we don’t spend nearly enough time thinking about what we can do to create more happiness in our lives.  This is why I’m such a fan of The Happiness Project and Happier at Home - both are guides to making happiness happen in your own life. [Aww, thanks Heidi!]

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).

I’m a mystery novel junkie – it’s my brain candy.  It all started when I was 10 years old with Encyclopedia Brown, and I’ve been hooked ever since.  I like the old fashioned kind of mystery – Agatha Christie, Dorothy Sayers, P.D. James.   They give me a chance to disappear for a while into another world, but still be puzzle-solving.  And since I’m a scientist, puzzle-solving is pretty much my thing.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?

I think that there are so many of us who are hard on ourselves, who don’t understand why they are good at some things but not others, who are convinced that they can’t improve, and who wonder why the things that motivate other people don’t seem to work for them.   A big part of why I wanted to write Focus was to help people understand that we don’t in fact all “tick” the same way.

There are reasons why some things come more easily to you than others, reasons why being optimistic and upbeat doesn’t “work” for everyone, reasons why some of us are creative and risk-taking, and others are thorough and reliable, but it’s very hard to be both.  Knowing how promotion and prevention motivation work, and being able to identify our own dominant motivation, helps us to not only be more effective and happy, but to be more understanding of both ourselves and others.

 Is there some aspect of your home that makes you particularly happy?

Almost all the furniture in my home came from the home that I grew up in.  I eat dinner at the same table where I shared Christmas and Thanksgiving with my family as a child.  My books fill my mother’s bookshelves.  I curl up in my office in the old leather chair that my grandmother gave my parents thirty years ago. It gives me a wonderful sense of continuity and tradition, and it feels like a hug every time I walk in the door.

Every Wednesday is List Day, or Tip Day, or Quiz Day.

I spend a lot of time thinking about questions such as, “How do we change?” “Why is it so hard to make ourselves do things that we want to do?” ( for instance, why is it so hard to make myself go to bed?) and “How can we stick to our resolutions?”

I realize now that a big challenge is clarity. Often, if there’s something that I want to do, but somehow can’t get myself to do, it’s because I don’t have clarity. This lack of clarity often arises from a feeling of ambivalence–I want to do something, but I don’t want to do it; or I want one thing, but I also want something else that conflicts with it.

Here’s a conflict: It’s nice when my older daughter is around while she does her homework; on the other hand, it’s good for her to be in her room without the distractions of family noise. So do I nudge her to go to her room, or do I let her stay in the kitchen? I can never decide.

These days, when I’m trying to get myself to pursue some course of action, I work hard to make sure I know exactly what I expect from myself, and why, and what value I’m choosing to serve.

I don’t think I’m the only one who struggles with this problem. Lack of clarity, and the paralysis that ensues, seems to be common. Here’s a list of aims in conflict that I’ve heard. Do any ring a bell for you?

I want to eat healthfully. It’s wrong to waste any food.

I want to give 110% to work. I want to give 110% to my family.

I want to work on my novel. I want to exercise.

I want to get more sleep. I want some time each day to talk to my sweetheart, watch TV, and goof around.

I want to spend less time in the car. I want my children to participate in many after-school activities.

Making money is not important. Making money is important.

I want to be very accessible to other people. I want time alone to think and work.

I want to be a polite guest. I want to avoid sugar.

I want to be frugal. I want to join a gym.

I want leisure time when I come home from work. I want to live in a house that’s clean and well-run.

I want to meet new people and see my friends. I want more solitude.

I want to stop nagging you. I want you to help me.

Have you experienced this–a paralysis that comes from conflicting values?