A few days ago, I posted about a phenomenon I describe as “oppositional conversational style” (OCS for short), and I’ve been flabbergasted by the heated response.

I thought I’d identified some obscure, rare pattern of human interaction, but it turns out that lots of people had already identified this kind of interaction.

A person with “oppositional conversational style” is a person who, in conversation, disagrees with and corrects whatever you say. Maybe in a friendly way, maybe in a belligerent way, but their remarks are framed in opposition to whatever you say.

I was fascinated to read people’s comments. I learned several things.

First, people recognize this pattern easily. OCS, it turns out, is a widespread phenomenon.

Second, people find it tiresome to be on the receiving end of OCS. To be repeatedly told “I’m right; you’re wrong,” in every context, gets annoying.

Third, at least some people who practice OCS recognize it in themselves, and they think there’s value to this kind of exchange. They engage with others in this way because they find it fun to argue, or they want to get facts exactly correct, or because they want to make clear that there’s another side to an argument (even if they don’t particularly believe in that side of the argument, they want to explore it).

Fourth, OCS is sometimes related to the Tigger vs. Eeyore distinction. OCS seems associated with Eeyoredom, though not everyone who exhibits OCS is an Eeyore.

I think it’s helpful to watch out for the “oppositional conversational style.” Sometimes, just being able to identify something that’s bugging you somehow lessens the annoyance. Instead of reacting to the exchange unthinkingly, you realize, “Oh, I’m in the presence of the oppositional conversational style! How very interesting!”

And for those who use the oppositional conversational style, it’s helpful to recognize your pattern of behavior–and to recognize its likely effects on others. You might not care if you’re annoying people, or maybe you do. Whether or not you agree that people should get annoyed, it seems that they are getting annoyed.

Do you recognize oppositional style in someone you know–or in yourself? What’s your reaction to this way of communicating?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in — no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Each week, I post a video about some Pigeon of Discontent raised by a reader. Because, as much as we try to find the Bluebird of Happiness, we’re also plagued by those small but pesky Pigeons of Discontent.

This week’s Pigeon of Discontent, suggested by a reader, is: “Cell phones make me crazy.”

 

I thought of a line from Montaigne that’s even more apt for this Pigeon of Discontent than the quotation included in the video: “There is really no greater or more persistent folly…than to be excited and annoyed by the fatuities of the world.”  I think people’s cell phone conversations fall into this category.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

9 tips for dealing with difficult relatives over the holidays.

Find a way to unplug from technology, or, how to escape the cubicle in your pocket.

How about you? Are you very annoyed by people speaking on their cell phones (or something similar)? How do you convince yourself to accept the change?

You can post your own Pigeon of Discontent at any time; also, from time to time, I’ll make a special call for suggestions.

You can check out the archives of videos here.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Five tips for getting yourself to do something you don’t want to do.

How many times each day do you try to work yourself up to tackle some undesirable task? If you’re like me–several.

For example, right now I’m trying to figure out how to put podcasts on my site again. I did it for a long time, but after my blog re-design, my system stopped working. I have to figure out what the problem is. Here are some strategies that I’m planning to use:

1. Put myself in jail. If you’re working on something that’s going to take a long time, and you have the urge to try to rush, or to feel impatient, pretend you’re in jail. If you’re in jail, you have all the time in the world. You have no reason to hurry, no reason to cut corners or to try to do too many things at once. You can slow down, concentrate.

2. Ask for help. This is one of my most useful Secrets of Adulthood. Why is this so hard? I have no idea. But whenever I ask for help, I’m amazed at how much it…helps.

3. Remember: most decisions don’t require extensive research. This is another important Secret of Adulthood. I often get paralyzed by my inability to make a decision, but by reminding myself that often, one choice just isn’t that much different from another choice, I can move on.

4. Take a baby step. If you feel yourself dismayed at the prospect of the chain of awful tasks that you have to accomplish, just take one step today. Tomorrow, take the next step. The forward motion is encouraging, and before long, you’ll probably find yourself speeding toward completion. I was overwhelmed by the project of putting my digital photos into albums, so I “suffered for fifteen minutes,” day after day, until I was finished.

5. Do it first thing in the morning. The night before, vow to yourself to do the dreaded task. And the next day, at the first possible moment–as soon as you walk into work, or when the office opens, or whenever–just do it. Don’t allow yourself to reflect or procrastinate. (This works particularly well for exercise and phone calls.)  I work from 6:00-7:00 a.m. every day, and because this is the time when I have the most concentration, I often keep an assignment to undertake during that hour.

HOWEVER: Pay attention to the amount of time you spend working on tasks you dislike! No one enjoys preparing tax returns, but if you feel like your life consists of nothing but going from one dreaded chore to the next, take note. Maybe you need to think about switching jobs, or delegating a particular chore, or paying someone to do a task that’s making you miserable.

I’m very good at making myself do things I don’t want to do, and while this is an enormous help in many situations, it has also allowed me to go down some dead ends in my career. The fact is, you’re unlikely to be happy or successful when every aspect of your life or job feels like a big drag.

Don’t accuse yourself of being lazy or being a procrastinator, and ask: Why is this so difficult? The fact that you’re finding it hard to make yourself do something is a sign that maybe you should be doing something else.

On the other hand, novelty and challenge, as uncomfortable as they can be, do bring happiness. The chore that feels onerous today may give you a huge boost of satisfaction tomorrow, when it’s behind you.

A major happiness challenge is knowing the difference between an intimidating goal that’s right for you, and an intimidating goal that’s not suited to your nature. W.  H. Auden wrote: “Between the ages of 20 and 40 we are engaged in the process of discovering who we are, which involves learning the difference between accidental limitations which it is our duty to outgrow and the necessary limitations of our nature beyond which we cannot trespass with impunity.”

What are some other strategies that you’ve found useful in trying to get yourself to jump some hurdle?

Assay: I’m always looking for patterns in people’s actions and temperament. You know that old joke? “The world is divided into two groups: people who divide the world into two groups, and people who don’t.” I’m definitely in the first category.

I love learning about patterns, such as the “service heart,” and I get a tremendous thrill whenever I manage to identify some new pattern myself. Abstainers and moderators. Over-buyers and under-buyers.  Alchemists and leopards.

Here’s a new phenomenon I’ve tentatively identified: oppositional conversational style.

A person with oppositional conversational style is a person who, in conversation, disagrees with and corrects whatever you say. He or she may do this in a friendly way, or a belligerent way, but this person frames remarks in opposition to whatever you venture.

I noticed this for the first time in a conversation with a guy a few months ago. We were talking about social media, and before long, I realized that whatever I’d say, he’d disagree with me. If I said, “X is important,” he’d say, “No, actually, Y is important.” For two hours. And I could tell that if I’d said, “Y is important,” he would’ve argued for X.

I saw this style again, in a chat with friend’s wife who, no matter what casual remark I made, would disagree. “That sounds fun,” I observed. “No, not at all,” she answered. “That must have been really difficult,” I said. “No, for someone like me, it’s no problem,” she answered. Etc.

Since those conversations, I’ve noticed this phenomenon several times.

Here are my questions about oppositional conversational style:

Have you noticed this, too? Or am I making this up?

If OCS is real, is it a strategy that particular people use consistently? Or is there something about me, or about that particular conversation, that induced these people to use it?

Along those lines, is OCS a way to try to assert dominance, by correction? That’s how it feels, and also…

Do people who use OCS recognize this style of engagement in themselves; do they see a pattern in their behavior that’s different from that of most other people?

Do they have any idea how tiresome it can be?

In the case of the first example, my interlocutor used OCS in a very warm, engaging way. Perhaps, for him, it’s a tactic to drive the conversation forward and to keep it interesting. This kind of debate did indeed throw up a lot of interesting insights and information. But, I must admit, it was wearing.

In the second example, the contradictory responses felt like a challenge.

I described oppositional conversational style to my husband and asked if he knew what I was talking about. He did (so, in answer to #1 above, there’s at least one person), and he warned me, “Watch out! Don’t start thinking about this, and then start to do it yourself.”

I had to laugh, because he knows me very well. I have a strong tendency towards belligerence—for instance, it’s one reason I basically quit drinking—and I could easily fall into OCS. (I just hope I don’t exhibit OCS already, which is quite possible.)

But I do recognize that to be on the receiving end of the oppositional conversational style—to have someone keep telling you that you’re wrong, over and over—is not pleasant.

It’s wearing at best, and often highly annoying. Even in the case of my first example, when the OCS had a fun, friendly spirit, it took a lot of self-command for me to stay calm and un-defensive. Many points could have been made in a less “Let me set you straight” way.

And in the second example, I felt patronized. Here I was, trying to make pleasant conversation, and she kept contradicting me. It was all I could do not to roll my eyes and retort, “Fine, whatever, actually I don’t care if you had fun or not.”

Now, I’m not arguing that everyone should agree all the time. Nope. I love a debate (and I was trained as a lawyer, which definitely made me more comfortable, perhaps too comfortable, with confrontation). But it’s not much fun when every single statement in a casual conversation is met with,“Nope, you’re wrong; I’m right.” Skillful conversationalists can explore disagreements and make points in ways that feel constructive and positive, rather than combative or corrective.

From now on, when I encounter OCS-inclined people, I’m going to ask them about it. I’m so curious to know their view of their own style.

What do you think? Do you recognize it in other people–or in yourself?

We’re taking a family trip home to Kansas City; I’ll be back in a week.

In the meantime, here’s my one-minute video, The Years Are Short. I think of everything that I’ve ever written, this short piece is the thing that resonates most with people.

 

Do you share this feeling–that the days are long, but the years are short?

Going back to Kansas City always reminds me of the long days of childhood. Winstead’s, here we come!