You need not see what someone is doing
to know if it is his vocation,

you have only to watch his eyes:
a cook mixing a sauce, a surgeon

making a primary incision,
a clerk completing a bill of lading,

wear the same rapt expression,
forgetting themselves in a function.

How beautiful it is,
that eye-on-the-object look.

–W.  H. Auden, “Horae Canonicae”

I know exactly what Auden is describing, and love to see that look of mastery, absorption, and effort in people’s faces. Does this observation resonate with you?

Further Secrets of Adulthood:

 

One of my most effective resolutions is to Act the way I want to feel. It’s almost uncanny how quickly I can change my emotions, by changing my actions–and it’s a lot easier directly to change my actions than my emotional state.

Have you found this to be true?

Happiness interview: Trish McEvoy.

I’ve long been an admirer of Trish McEvoy — both for her beautiful products and for her entrepreneurial acumen in establishing her cosmetics company and her brand. So I was thrilled to hear that she was a fan of my writing.

I was very eager to hear what she had to say on the subject of happiness in her own life, and immediately asked for an interview.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Trish: Getting ready for the day always makes me happy. From applying my making to picking out what I want to wear to how I will style my hair, I love the girly part of my day.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

When I was 18 I didn’t understand the impact of one’s relationship and situation management on happiness. Experience has taught me that how I react to something can affect drastically different outcomes that either add to or take away from my happiness. At 18 we’re the center of the universe—as we get older, we better understand how inextricably linked our happiness is with other people.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

Difficulty accepting the things I cannot change, like the health of my aging mother.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)

There is something funny in almost everything. Have a laugh. Be in the moment and find the joy therein. Enjoy the little things but don’t sweat the small stuff. Get the most into and out of every day.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?

I keep the blues at bay! If blueness threatens I look for the humor in any situation.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness? 

Complaining—the pity party—is the biggest detractor from happiness. Learning, dreaming, pushing oneself, celebrating the positives all create happiness.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? 

Both. I have had moments of great joy—like when I met my husband, started my business, and met my best friends—and sadness at the loss of people I have loved .

Is there some aspect of your home that makes you particularly happy?

The people in my home and its beauty and order.

 

 

Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List Day, or Quiz Day.

Here’s a mystery. We spend a huge amount of time with TV. Watching TV is probably the world’s most popular pastime and is the greatest use of time, after sleeping and work. In the United States, people spend more than four hours a day watching TV. Watching great television can be an enormous source of pleasure. Yet, often, channel surfing becomes a default activity that doesn’t add a lot to our happiness–yet we persist in watching, nevertheless.

So how does TV fit into happiness? To answer that question, I had to break “fun” into three types:

1. challenging fun
2. accommodating fun
3. relaxing fun

Challenging fun is the most rewarding, and the most demanding.

Learning to play golf is challenging fun. First you have to learn the equipment, the rules, the vocabulary, the motions. You’re frustrated. You have to do some errands. It takes a lot of time to get any kind of mastery. But slowly it becomes more fun. You’re outside, you’re with friends, you’re gaining mastery, you’re visiting new places—that’s fun! Challenging fun takes patience, time, energy, perseverance, and a long time horizon.

Usually less challenging, but still requiring a fair bit of effort, is accommodating fun.

Going on a family trip to the zoo is accommodating fun. Going to a family Thanksgiving dinner, going to a firm outing, going to dinner and a movie with friends, all require accommodation. You’re strengthening relationships, you’re building memories, you’re having fun – but perhaps not as much fun as you’d have if you dictated the terms. Accommodating fun takes a lot of energy, organization, coordination with other people, and, well, accommodation.

Relaxing fun is practically effortless.

Relaxing fun is relaxing. It takes little energy. You don’t have to hone skills or take much action. There’s very little coordination with other people or preparation involved. Sitting by the pool, flipping through magazines, and watching TV are examples of relaxing fun.

Challenging fun and accommodating fun, over the long term, bring more happiness, because they’re sources of those elements that make people happiest: strong personal bonds, mastery, an atmosphere of growth. Relaxing fun tends to be passive—by design.

So if relaxing fun is the least fun kind of fun, why is watching TV so popular?

Because, while we get more out of challenging fun and accommodating fun, we also must put more into it. Many of the activities that bring the most happiness also require a lot of energy, time, and planning. But in the end, they bring more happiness.

So to boost happiness, if most of your leisure time is dedicated to relaxing fun, try to incorporate some challenging or accommodating fun into the mix.

What kinds of challenging or accommodating fun activities do you make sure to include in your day? Do you struggle to limit your time with TV (or any kind of screen)?

For the weekly videos, I now tell a story. I’ve realized that for me, and I think for many people, a story is what holds my attention and makes a point most powerfully.

This week’s story: Enthusiasm is the best teacher.

 

Do you agree or disagree? Do you find yourself intrigued–or not–by other people’s enthusiasm?

If you want to read more along these lines, check out…

Have fun that’s actually fun–for you.

Just because something is fun for someone else doesn’t mean that it’s fun for me.

What do you find fun? A question that’s surprisingly hard to answer.

You can check out the archives of videos here.  More than 1.3 MILLION views. Don’t forget to subscribe!