Happiness interview: Grace Bonney.

I’m a big fan of the wildly popular design blog Design*Sponge — “your home for all thing design” — headed up by Grace Bonney. Grace also has a new book out, Design*Sponge at Home — a kind of design “bible” with home tours, DIY projects, and lots of my personal favorite feature: before-and-afters. (Zoikes, I love any before-and-after.)

Because the subject of my next book is Happier at Home, I’ve been thinking a lot about how aspects of home contribute to how…homey it feels. Sometimes, even a small change can make a big difference.

I knew that Grace had given this kind of issue a lot of thought, so I was curious to hear what she had to say on the subject of happiness.

What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Sleep. It is the thing in my life that’s most lacking right now, and when I get a decent amount I am a completely different person. I’m happier, more energetic and better able to tackle just about any problem that comes my way.

Also, spending time with animals. I’ve always been someone who felt more comfortable around pets than people and spending time with my cats always calms me down and makes me feel at ease. Something about the way they blink slowly instantly relaxes me.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That I’m the only person responsible for making it happen. Like a lot of 18-year-olds I had a huge chip on my shoulder and felt like the world was going to hand me things, people and experiences that made me happy. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that I realized the only person responsible for all of that was me.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Procrastinating. I am still a terrible “wait until the last minute” person and it always leads to a lack of sleep (see question #1), bad mood and more stress. I’m getting better at making to-do lists that minimize procrastination, but it’s something I still struggle with in a big way.

Is there a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful? Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
I’ve never relied on books or quotations, so much as real-life examples of people who live lives I admire. These days I’m incredibly inspired by some of my favorite female musicians and bands that live boldly, bravely and with such passion. That sort of fearlessness is something I hope to have one day and seeing them on stages putting it all out there really inspires me to live more fully.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
Can I be blunt? I totally eat my feelings. I’m a classic example of someone who heads straight for the fridge/cabinet/bakery when things are rough. Few things are as reliable (in both a good and bad way) as a giant piece of chocolate (or chocolate cake). It’s not the healthiest activity, but for some reason I’ve always associated comfort food with “taking care of myself.” I only do it in moderation, but it’s been a consistent activity that really makes me feel better quickly. If things are rough I’ll often walk outside, treat myself to a big latte and chocolate croissant and by the end of that little indulgent break I feel a lot better.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I’m incredibly inspired by the open-mindedness of my friend and co-worker, Amy. She went through a tough personal time and came out stronger and braver and now is open to just about any life experience and challenge you throw her way. Just this summer she decided to start skateboarding, surfing and rock-climbing. If you throw a new idea her way she’s always wiling to give it a shot. That “let’s try it!” attitude has made her incredibly happy and has totally rubbed off onto me. It’s inspiring just to watch her try everything.

I sadly have a lot of friends that detract from happiness by dwelling on what their life is like NOW. I’m a big fan of being responsible for your own fate, so I hate when people feel as if they have no role or no control over what happens NEXT in their life. I always try to remind them that yes, maybe today is awful, but instead of dwelling on that you should focus on the changes YOU can make tomorrow to make sure things go up from here.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I think I’ve been a pretty happy person since I got out of college, but I was pretty negative before that. I didn’t really hit my stride and make great friends until after high school and college, and I always felt that that was someone else’s fault. When I finally found something I enjoyed doing and did well, I got a boost of confidence that made me realize that my negativity was my own fault and that I needed to kick it. So I did. I’ve been pretty happy since then. I have periods where I feel uninspired or over-worked and those are tough, but in general I think my mood level is on the “glass is half full” side of things.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I’ve had a rough year personally so happiness is foremost on my mind right now. I love my job so much that I think I let that happiness overtake everything and I forgot to take care of myself as a person and not just a blogger or business owner. So after I finish my book tour this winter, I’m going to take some time off to focus on myself and try to get back to a place where I feel more carefree and open and happy again. I don’t often hear women running their own businesses admitting that even after you’re successful there are still plenty of chances to mess up, make mistakes or lose track. I think I did all those things to some degree and now it’s my job to make sure I put the same amount of energy and passion into my “real” life as my work life.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?

All the time. Writing Design*Sponge at Home was a constant process of being surprised. I thought I’d be elated when I finished and the book came out, but more than joy I felt a sense of relief. It was such a long hard process to get the book finished that all I wanted to do was take a nap. I was happy, but I didn’t feel the type of happiness I thought I would.

On the flip side, when I did a small video series with the New York Public Library a few years ago, I expected it to be a fun blip of an activity and nothing more. Filming with that team (one of whom, Amy, ended up coming to work with me full time at D*S) was probably the happiest work experience I’ve ever had. I was more excited to play around with video cameras and filming than I knew I would be. Discovering a new passion for something always makes me happy.

* Join the discussion on the Facebook Page. Lots of interesting conversation there.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day (or Quiz Day, or List Day).
This Wednesday – Warning signs that you might abandon your exercise program.

I’ve discovered that the key to my happiness project is my determination to make and keep my innumerable resolutions. I follow — or try to follow — dozens of resolutions, and they’ve made a real difference in the happiness of my everyday life. (If you’d like to get a copy of my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com).

One resolution that many people make and break is the resolution to exercise. Exercise is a key to good health, and for me, has always been essential to feeling cheerful. In fact, when I’m feeling blue, one of the best ways to shake the mood is to exercise. Also, exercising has a strange double effect: it makes me feel both calmer and more energetic. My husband is the same way. On Sunday, he was feeling low, and a trip to the gym chirked him up considerably.

And even if I don’t feel better, at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that I exercised.

I’m fascinated by the question of why sometimes people are able to stick to resolutions, and some people aren’t – and what steps people can take to help themselves stick to their resolutions. There are a lot of factors, of course, in each individual’s case.

Take me. As I just detailed above, I know that exercise is an essential element of a happy life for me, and yet I’ve been very bad, lately, about getting exercise. Often, when I have a lot of work, I skip the gym as a way of proving my diligence to myself. “Look, I’m working so hard, I can’t even find time to exercise.” Sometimes, it’s inevitable, but I’ve been using that excuse too readily for the last month.

So, how to do better? I have a friend who is a yoga instructor and a friend who is a strength training trainer. I asked them if they recognized any warning signs in people who are likely not to stick to a resolution to keep exercising.

They both agreed that there are warning signs. Read on, and if you recognize yourself in the statements below, beware. You may need to make a special effort to stick to a program. Check off any statement that sounds like it could have come out of your mouth:

“This time, I’m really going to stick to it! I mean it, I’m totally, 100% committed!”
This person sounds like he’s trying to convince himself but not really succeeding.

“I’m potentially thinking that maybe I might join this class.”
This person hasn’t really made up his mind. He’s not committed. Although he sounds very different, he’s actually an awful lot like the person who says…

“I have to start tomorrow. No delay!”
This person is afraid that she’s going to lose her resolve. It’s probably happened to her before.

“Well, afternoons don’t work. And I can’t do mornings. I can come Tuesdays at noon, but not this Tuesday. Or next Tuesday…”
If people really want to exercise, they find the time.

“I’ll squeeze it in at lunchtime. I can just run out between meetings.”
This person hasn’t acknowledged to herself that exercise must be its own priority, and if she doesn’t make it a priority, it’ll always get shoved to the bottom of the to-do list. Which means it won’t happen.

“As soon as I’ve done this task for Pat, and this other task for Blake, I’ll exercise.”
Again, exercise needs to be on the official to-list.

“I can’t wait to start. But first, I need to buy some new clothes. And some new shoes. And a mat. And I want to read up on it, too.”
I had a roommate like this. She loved shopping and everything involved in the preparation stage. But once she had all the stuff she needed for yoga or roller-blading or whatever, she lost interest.

If any of these statements remind you of yourself, use it as a warning sign to re-commit yourself to sticking to your exercise plan.

If you’re embarking on a new routine, sometimes it helps to tell yourself that you’re just going to do it for six months. That doesn’t sound too onerous. Both instructors agreed that once people have kept up a program for six months, the exercise has become part of their routine, and it becomes much less likely that they’ll drop out. Also, if you really just can’t fit it in, or make yourself do it, try to go for a twenty-minute walk each day. Or two ten-minute walks. Even that much exercise is so much better than nothing. I’m fortunate, because every school-day morning, I get a twenty-minute walk in, just taking my daughter to school.

* There’s a huge amount of fascinating information on the blogs at Psychology Today.

If you like the blog, you’ll love the book! Please consider The Happiness Project (can’t resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year — and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge — welcome! This month’s theme is the Five Senses, and last week’s resolution was to Listen to your favorite song. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is to Cultivate good smells.

Cultivate_good_smells.MP3_for_Audio_Podcasting

Zoikes, why am I talking so quickly?

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Happiness is…a beautiful scent: fireplace, baby powder, Christmas tree.
Take a field trip. In my case, to cultivate good smells.
Cultivate good smells.

If you’re new, here’s information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I’ll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* For many people, alcohol raises happiness challenges. In the post The art of mindful drinking, my friend Caren Osten Gerszberg takes a thoughtful look at the issue.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:
– On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click “Edit Subscription” and check the box, “Email me for new uploads.” Or…
– Go to your main drop-down box, click “Subscriptions,” find the GretchenRubin channel, click “Edit Subscriptions,” and check “Email me for new uploads” there.

To get the audio podcast of the video:
– Log in to iTunes
– Go to “Podcasts”
– Search for “The Happiness Project.” Free, of course.

For the past few years, for the weekly video as part of the Happiness Challenge, I’ve proposed a resolution for your consideration — a concrete, manageable resolution to boost your happiness (at least, one that has boosted my happiness).

I’m considering changing the format of the videos for next year. One possibility is to have readers post comments about the aspects of life that drag them down — then I’d discuss (I wouldn’t give advice, but I’d discuss) those issues in the videos.

Because, as much as we try to follow the Bluebird of Happiness, we’re also plagued by the Pigeon of Discontent. A Pigeon of Discontent isn’t a major happiness challenge, but an ordinary problem that has settled into roost. For example: you’re always exhausted; you fight with your in-laws; your house is a wreck; you feel panicked when you think of how far behind you’ve fallen on making photo albums.

I’m not sure whether this format will work, so I have a favor to ask: if you have a readily identifiable “pigeon of discontent,” please post it here. Having an idea of how people would answer this question will help me decide whether this would be an interesting, useful path to take.

So: What is your Pigeon of Discontent? What relatively small and ordinary issue drags down your happiness?

* Is your book group reading The Happiness Project? Email me if you’d like the one-page discussion guide — or the discussion guide for spirituality book groups, Bible study groups, and the like — at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com. Happy reading!

“The first time I watched television I felt exactly as if something important had taken an elevator ride up to my head and gotten off and turned on the light in my mind. I knew that I was going to do something in television. It was in my cards. I remember feeling the warm relief of knowing where my future was.”
– Mary Wells Lawrence, A Big Life (In Advertising)

I love reading accounts of how people find their vocations. It doesn’t matter, at all, whether I’m interested in the actual vocations; I love reading about other people’s love for them.